<p>Hello, and thanks in advance for your help!</p>
<p>I’m seeking advice in the Parent’s Cafe because I’d appreciate a parent’s perspective. I’m sorry for the length of the post, but I think it’s necessary to gain a full understanding of my situation. I’d also like to say that I created a new account to protect my old CC identity, not because I’m a ■■■■■ :)</p>
<p>My situation is this. I am a senior in college, and my boyfriend and I have decided to get married at city hall after graduation. We will have been together for 4 1/2 years at that time, and have a serious relationship at the present. We are both very close to eachother’s families and I doubt that either of are parents would be shocked, except for the timing.</p>
<p>So why the rush? We both have decided to join the Peace Corps together. I think even if we were not in a relationship, we both would have joined separately anyway, so there is no sense of pressure or obligation from either party influencing the decision to join. Unfortunately, they are only able to place couples who have been legally married for 1 year by the time of their departure. We are not in a financial position to afford the type of ceremony we’d like at this time, so we’ve decided to postpone the “big day” until after our service has been completed. For this reason, we’ve decided to only tell our close friends (siblings and parents). We don’t want our wedding ceremony to seem like a “fake” simply because we will have already been legally married (we’ve spoken to couples who have done this for insurance or immigration reasons, and have found their family and friends to be less than supportive as a result).</p>
<p>My question is, how should I tell my parents? I have lived in a different state on the other side of the country for the past three years and see them very seldom, but I do feel this is a conversation that needs to occur in person. My mother is coming up for parents weekend in a week - should I tell her then? My next opportunity won’t be until my graduation in May and I feel like she’ll be so emotional about graduation that she’ll feel blindsided. Should I tell her even though my father won’t be present? I’m just looking for a parents perspective on how to handle this in a way that is as sensitive to their needs as possible.</p>
<p>Sorry for the length, but I appreciate any advice any of you can offer!</p>
<p>First of all, it sounds like the two of you are in a solid relationship. I can understand your plans from a perspective of practicality and not wanting to have a huge wedding with all of the bells, whistles and pricetag. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is a good idea to keep your plans from either of your families because it isn’t good to begin your married life as a lie. That can really catch up to you and you may find it difficult to keep up the charade.</p>
<p>About 10 years ago, we had friends that got married this way for immigration reasons. They planned to have the big wedding later, but didn’t tell their parents or any friends
( with the exception of my husband and I , and another witness.)</p>
<p>To make a long story short, things slipped out and the families found out, causing some very hurt feelings and a LOT of issues for them.</p>
<p>I feel that even though it may be difficult, it is always best to be truthful.</p>
<p>I think she has every intention of being truthful with the parents, but wants advice as how to do so.</p>
<p>If you were my daughter, I think I’d want to be invited to be there for the city hall ceremony. Is that a possibility? </p>
<p>And I think talking to her about it when she visits is a good idea, even though your dad won’t be there. You know them best; you could talk to your mother and then the two of you could call your father, or you could get your father on a speaker phone and tell them together. But I wouldn’t wait or beat around the bush!</p>
<p>As a mom, I feel that you should do what your hearts tell you to do, but do tell your parents about it. I support my child in what she does, and the only hurt comes when she doesn’t tell me. Parents want their children to be happy. Smart parents realize that their own plans for their children are often what does not occur, and it doesn’t really matter much what the parents have planned or may want. Smart parents know that if they impose their own plans or wishes, it could easily backfire, and the only ones who really lose in those situations are the parents. Tell them sooner rather than later, let them know how happy you are, your reasons for doing what you are doing, and hope for the best. If they are upset, please know that they will get over it. Your happiness will triumph and they will accept you. Good luck with all your plans. Peace Corps is a really wonderful thing, and you sound like you are very good people. Your folks will be fine.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice lje62! We do have every intention of telling our parents and siblings, I think they would be incredibly hurt if they were not “in the loop”. We just don’t intend to make it publicly known to extend friends and family (I don’t think many members of our extended family know us or our relationship well enough that it would matter much anyway). Though, the fact that joining the PC together requires couples to be married is not a secret. If questioned we would not lie, we just don’t want to advertise it.</p>
<p>Thanks for your advise as well, mafool! I think the cost of my parents attending such a ceremony would be prohibitive for them. I really wish we could make arrangements so they could attend, but with my partner being out of the country, scheduling is a bit difficult. I also think I would like to emphasize that this is a legal ceremony, and the important part (not that this is an unimportant decision) for us is being able to celebrate our commitment to one another with friends and family. I would of course never discourage her from coming, I just think it might not be possible logistically.</p>
<p>I really appreciate your advice regarding telling my dad - I think it would be terrible for mom to know and him to not know, but I guess I needed reassurance that a phone call would be “okay”.</p>
<p>And thank you Franglish! I think you really hit the nail on the head - I know my parents want me to be happy, but it’s not always easy to convince them that the path you’ve chosen is the right one for you! I think what everyone’s expressed so far seems to be in favor of the sooner rather than later approach, so I think that’s what I will do. Thanks for your warm wishes and insight.</p>
<p>Congratulations on your plans for marriage and the Peace Corps. Here’s a suggestion- plan on having a reception for friends and family following your City Hall ceremony. This can be inexpensive if you can utilize an on campus facility - you could even hire the judge to come to the hall to perform the ceremony. Or, you could have the weekday ceremony followed by a Saturday early afternoon cake reception. This way you will satisfy the one year req and still have the party to mark the occasion with friends and family. More people will be around, especially if you do things close to graduation, and people understand when fresh college grads don’t have the money for elaborate doings. You will not regret having more than just the legal part of the wedding, waiting to have a big reception later won’t be the same (you may even find you never get around to it). Years later you may wish you had more than just the City Hall ceremony, you could even invite one and all to you place for a post party with cake.</p>
<p>My advice is to be open and honest with everyone. Do not expect your parents and siblings to lie or be evasive or less-than-honest with others about your marital status. If you are getting married – at city hall or in a church – then you are married. Any later ceremony or celebration should be “billed” as a renewal of vows, a belated reception, or an anniversary celebration.</p>
<p>During a cousin’s “wedding” ceremony, the pastor announced that all were assembled for what was really a renewal of vows – something none of the bridesmaids, groomsmen, extended family members, friends, etc. knew prior to that point in time. The bride and groom had married secretly almost a year earlier (he was in the military), and only told their parents a month or two after the fact. I felt they should have been honest with their “loved ones” all along, and I don’t think I was the only one who felt duped.</p>
<p>^^I agree. It is expecting a lot to ask those in the the know to keep this a secret. I’m not sure why it even needs to be secret. You can tell everyone the happy news that you are married, explain the Peace Corps connection, and tell them you look forward to inviting them to a gala celebration reception when you return from your service. If a church wedding is important to you, renew your vows then and have a reception. If the civil ceremony is enough, then just do the reception.</p>
<p>Regarding how to tell - you stated it very well and clearly here. Just state it the same way to the parents and discuss it with them. They might have some ideas.</p>
<p>Do consider inviting the parents and immediate family members to the actual city hall ceremony. You really only get married to that spouse once IMO (well, not everyone). </p>
<p>You might even want to just have a single ‘quick’ wedding up front but enough of one that you could invite close family and friends. Maybe not at city hall but somewhere else, even a city park or something, where a person authorized to condict weddings can preside. Weddings don’t have to be big drawn out ordeals unless you want it to be. </p>
<p>I’ve also known people though who have done the ‘legal wedding’ followed later by the ‘big to-do wedding’ and it worked out for them.</p>
<p>Thank you all very much for your advice and input!</p>
<p>I think for the time being I’m going to focus on the present (how to break the news to my parents), and not worry too much about what to call a ceremony down the road or other such concerns. I know that a few years will pass by so quickly, but I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself and start worrying about etiquette guidelines for invitations :)</p>
<p>I think this is all coming off as being a bit more secretive than I intended. In all honesty, my family is simply not close (not to be judgmental, it’s just how things are). Neither is my partner’s. It would be an entirely different matter if my parents (or his) regularly communicated with siblings or other members of the family, but they don’t. For some of my relatives to be informed would mean contacting them for the first time in 5-10 years. I suspect very few of my aunts or uncles know I’m graduating or that I’m even in a relationship (again, I’m not trying to be disrespectful). </p>
<p>Regardless, I would never expect or force the people I care about to lie or be evasive or do something that just doesn’t sit right with their conscience. At this point in time, I just expect it to be a collaborative decision, where the people we chose to tell, most especially our parents, can all express what they feel is the most appropriate course of action based upon our particular family dynamics.</p>
<p>I really do appreciate everyone’s input, it’s been very helpful to gain some perspective on what some of my parents questions and concerns might be. Thank you all so much :)</p>
<p>Congratulations!
Do tell mom while she is visiting. Tell dad via phone at the same time or immediately after your conversation with mom.
If parents are coming for graduation; how about scheduling your civil ceremony for when they are in town?</p>
<p>Are you going to wait a whole year after graduation before joining PC? (You could get married sooner–like over Thanksgiving or Xmas break). Forget about “postponing the big day” until you can afford a fancier ceremony. There is only one “big day.” You can have a nice wedding next spring (or sooner) that is also affordable–and unique and meaningful. Be creative. Just tell your family and friends now–they’ll want to help plan. Share the joy. When you return from PC you can have a “welcome home” party. </p>
<p>My story: H and I met in PC. We planned to get married overseas. We’d known each other only a short time (3months?!) My mom didn’t like the idea of me marrying someone she’d never seen, so we postponed the wedding about 2 months until we came back (and Mom got stuck making my dress and all the arrangements!). We had an informal church wedding and reception with about 60 guests. The African wedding would have been fun, but we wanted to respect our parents and other relatives, friends and neighbors–since we’d had such long-term relationships with them. It wasn’t my “dream wedding,” but we have happy memories of the day–and we’re still married. We knew another young couple who met in PC and married secretly over there without telling their families. Then after about a year they told their families they were “engaged” and had a big second “wedding” back home. (Honestly, I think they were from wealthier families and wanted the gifts!) Another couple had the big church wedding over there–and some of their family members flew over, which would not have been possible for our families</p>
<p>. I’m not sure if PC still has the same “rules,” but back then if you got pregnant, you would have to return to the US, which happened to the second couple I mentioned. (Insurance issue–delivering overseas is considered too risky)–check into that. </p>
<p>However it works out, congratulations and best of luck to you!</p>
<p>I agree with a lot of the above posters. Plan your wedding and have the ceremony and party you can afford this spring – you can always have a second party when you return from the Peace Corps. Tell your mom now – call your dad at the same time.</p>
<p>The quality of the marriage is in no way dictated by the elaborateness (is that a word?) of the wedding. Two of my close friends have had an amazing marriage for 27 years. They got married in a small church ceremony, followed by a potluck picnic reception at the swimming pool at their apartment complex. Simple, inexpensive, emotional, and lasting.</p>