<p>My daughter got a DUI citation last week. I’ve responded appropriately, I think: reassuring her I love her; making sure she got back to her dorm from the police department safely; seeking assistance here on CC immediately (!); receiving assistance here on CC almost immediately (thank you, you know who you are!); reading the school’s conduct code; hiring a lawyer; and taking hysterical phone calls and text messages from my daughter throughout the weekend and the morning today.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I’m one of those people whose emotions lie only an inch or so beneath my skin. I’m holding it together but just barely. I can tell that I’m in the “trauma” (during which I’m being the brave mama lion) that will soon be followed by a PTSD-like reaction. Does anyone have any tips for me to help keep myself from falling apart in a few days, once the initial crisis is over (but the long-term one continues)? Thank you very much.</p>
<p>It sounds simple but does help, try not to get too tired or too hungry. Things I often overlook during a crisis or immediately after a crisis and things that impact me drastically. Wouldnt hurt to have someone to talk to as well…</p>
<p>Al-Anon.
Your daughter has a drinking problem.</p>
<p>I’ve had my share of dealing with family crises and the most important thing is to take care of your health through the crisis or you get worn down, your health suffers and you have more things to deal with. Exercise can help with your health and give you some time to stop thinking about the problems that you have to deal with.</p>
<p>Compartmental thinking may help. Keep a todo list of things that you have to take care of but just focus on one thing at a time so that the whole list doesn’t look overwhelming.</p>
<p>BTW, I was nearly hit by another driver today. It was a young college student backing up while talking on her mobile phone. She wasn’t looking behind her as she was backing out. I honked my horn when her car was five inches from mine (I was stopped and parked) and she slammed on the brake. Talking on the phone is comparable to DUI - I certainly believe it now. Fortunately I don’t need a trip to the body shop now. It’s better that your daughter figures out that she has a problem before she hurts her or someone else.</p>
<p>BCEagle91: Yes, I agree with you about lessons learned. I feel bad for my daughter but not because she got caught; instead, because she did something stupid. She got into her car after drinking. This could have been much worse: she could have had an accident; she could have hurt someone else or herself. The serious and justified legal consequences she faces will be painful but not as painful as facing them after hurting someone.</p>
<p>Cancel her insurance and sell her car. In my family, that would be the end of driving on our dime. Forever. I made that very clear the day our daughter got her learners permit.</p>
<p>You have a tragedy of faith and confidence. While no one was injured, all the could have beens are, no doubt, crossing your mind. And your DD, who you believed in and trusted and in whose judgment you had confidence, has now shown herself to be unworthy of that. Whether she actually has an alcohol addiction or merely has bad decision making habits, you now have to rebuild that trust and faith from scratch.</p>
<p>She will need to rebuild her own belief in herself, too. She has, most likely, dealt herself a might blow to her self-confidence. Face it, she knows better than that and either did not think it could happen to her or was too drunk to know what she was doing. Either way, it is reality check time.</p>
<p>Some suggestions:</p>
<p>A} Be on her team for all the administrative stuff- legal (that does not mean you should pay her bill, but you can help her navigate the system), insurance, community service, school repercussions if there are any, etc.</p>
<p>Any legal stuff is tough to deal with, you probably have no experience and the learning curve will be steep. Though she made a stupid mistake, it would be nice to help her minimize the long term consequences in terms of public records, legal record, etc.</p>
<p>She is probably in a down emotional state (unless she does not yet think it is a big deal, in which case you have bigger problems) and will need guidance as to the best ways to fight the battle. You cannot do the work and you cannot fight the fight, but you can shine a light to help her see the best path.</p>
<p>B} Accept that it will likely take at least a year for you to have renewed belief in her, she will have to earn that with baby steps and by proving herself, that takes time. Give yourself permission to doubt her for months until you figure out if she has really learned a lesson.</p>
<p>C} Create a to do list. Give your mind something to do, you change her, you can only guide and watch and wait. This is tough so create some list of things which must be accomplished over the next few months so that as each is addressed you can see progress, however small. Those positive steps will help you emotionally.</p>
<p>Perhaps PM MomofWildChild, she knows a thing or two about the system</p>
<p>Thank you very much, Somemom. My daughter definitely knows how serious this is. She is dejected, distraught, thinks her life is over… No lack of not seeing that this is a big deal. I hope to help her see this is life-altering but not life-ending. And I’ve been helping with the legal and school stuff. It does make me feel better.</p>
<p>Keep reminding yourself that you will not always feel this badly. At some point, this will be in your rear view mirror.</p>
<p>EPTR, I like your rear-view mirror image. The only problem with that for me is that this incident occurred almost two years to the day after my spouse had an accident involving a motor vehicle and lost his job as a result. In his case, the incident isn’t in the rear-view mirror, because he hasn’t dealt with the problem (not alcohol) that caused the accident. We’re driving around in circles, having to see the wreckage every day (figuratively, of course). So I worry about that happening again, with my daughter.</p>
<p>I don’t think I could take two years of driving around wreckage in circles & would get counseling and/or other help to get beyond to somewhere constructive with spouse so spouse can be a good role model. Must be very painful for you & everyone involved. Please do consider counseling to support you & help you guide the family through this tricky, challenging time.</p>
<p>Do make SURE you eat, rest, exercise & otherwise take good care of yourself so you can be as healthy as possible. You are needed now more than ever to be HEALTHY & STRONG.</p>
<p>Definitely take time for yourself. Easy to say, harder to do.
Al Anon literature is good. Your D doesn’t need to be an alcoholic for you to go.
Mediation, yoga or fast paced walking when your mind begins to cycle.
Massage or something similar weekly or twice a month.
Remember to eat but not overeat.</p>
<p>While AA has helped many people (including my father, who has been a “recovering” alcoholic for thirty years), there are other groups that focus more on taking charge of one’s problems oneself, instead of handing them over to a “higher power”. Two are Rational Recovery and Moderation Management. MM can be a good place to start if one’s goal is to drink more responsibly (and if that isn’t enough one can move on to an abstinance based program).</p>