<p>My daughter is a smart, attractive college student who has been in a relationship with a great guy for about a year and a half. They have recently broken up, due in large part to her jealousy issues. He is not totally blameless in this, but she seems to be over the top as far as being jealous, and readily admits that she has a problem. </p>
<p>I know that people who are jealous often have self-esteem issues. I wonder how this happened. She looks like she has it all. Obviously, something is not right. It makes me wonder if I didn’t do something right as she was growing up. </p>
<p>What can I do? Or should I do nothing and simply listen if she wants to talk? Right now she is broken-hearted and isn’t doing much eating or sleeping.</p>
<p>Just like a caring parent. It’s what we all think and feel. Ah, guilt.</p>
<p>Since she readily admits that she has a problem, maybe you could gently lead her toward the path of some counseling. It might help her see things from a new perspective.</p>
<p>And it doesn’t mean at all that you haven’t done your job right.</p>
<p>I am going to take a different point of view. I was very insecure during/after I broke up with my first boyfriend of 2 years in HS. A few years later I met my husband. From day one with him I never felt insecure, if he didn’t call I didn’t panic, if I saw him talking with another girl it didn’t bother me. It was a complete different feeling with my H than with my ex-bf. My H said to me once that it is his responsibility to make me feel secure. It is so true, from day one with H, he has never given me any reason to doubt his feelings for me.</p>
<p>This may not be the case, could it be your D had reason to feel insecure or jealouse? We often have a sixth sense when something is wrong, or to be very blunt, when someone is cheating on us. My guess is it doesn’t have much to do with you.</p>
<p>My spouse said the same thing when we became a couple, and I have always felt respected, admired, and loved. We are very dissimilar people, with opposing strengths and weaknesses, and I have often thought we are compatible because we complement one another.</p>
<p>I agree with the idea that your D may have had issues with security in the relationship because something felt off, and I would not conclude that counseling is warranted unless she develops a history of jealousy issues in relationships.</p>
<p>It definitely sounds like she comes from a caring home. If you are blaming yourself for this, I am sure you did your best with her. </p>
<p>If she is admitting she could possibly have a problem, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to see a professional. </p>
<p>I do agree with the above comments, she could very well feel this way because she has a “sixth sense”! Even with knowing that, she could gain a lot of confidence in herself by hearing she is normal and little to be concerned with from someone other than her parents. </p>
<p>Going away the first time can be intimidating for many. Maybe it is a combination of uncertainty with an unfaithful mate and an overwhelming, new environment. </p>
<p>Be ready to talk when she is ready to open up, ready for hugs and an open heart to her. It could be a major adjustment period along with a broken heart especially with getting ready to head back this fall.</p>
<p>There’s a lot of reasons she might have felt jealous. </p>
<p>If you say that the bf wasn’t “totally blameless,” well, that says it all. </p>
<p>Sometimes even the slightest thing can kick our “sixth senses” into gear. </p>
<p>If she is not eating/sleeping and feels she has a problem, counseling never hurts. But I wouldn’t be quick to think that the reason bf broke up with her, was her, or that jealousy is always something that is a “problem.” I agree to wait and see if it becomes a trend…then that could say something about her self-esteem (either she is jealous for no reason around nice guys, or she keeps picking the wrong guys, both of which would be an issue!).</p>
<p>As a side note, it is so nice that your daughter feels comfortable enough to talk about relationships with you, and that you care about how she is doing/feeling in terms of her relationships. Some parents have a very hands-off attitude about it, and it’s just really nice to see that you care!</p>
<p>Perhaps your daughter should date a few unattractive men. I mean if you are with someone below your level I am sure it has to be a confidence boost. In fact I read somewhere that the longest marriages are those where the woman is more attractive than the man. I know this sounds ridiculous but look at this:</p>
<p>I am sure an unattractive guy would be so happy that she is with him so he would probably complement her, and it could be a real confidence boost.</p>
<p>Thank you for your kind responses. I was worried that I might be told to butt out and let my daughter take care of her own problems.</p>
<p>Some background: She did have jealousy issues with a high school bf. I’m not sure if they were warranted or not, but she was often unhappy. I wondered at the time if this was an isolated incident or something that was an issue for her. </p>
<p>With the current ex-bf, about six months into the relationship she found some back and forth text messages from an ex-gf, and she said they were very inappropriate. (Why was she checking his phone?) She broke up with him, but immediately took him back because nothing had happened between the two of them. I believe he has never cheated on her and so does my daughter. My daughter has had contact with her ex-bf and this bf has no problem with it. He says that he trusts her and knows she wouldn’t do anything. </p>
<p>Nevertheless, for her, those behaviors caused her to constantly check up on him, which eventually led to the breakup. I am wondering if she will ever be in a relationship where she isn’t jealous all the time. She was jealous BEFORE he did any of those things that would give her cause. It simply got worse after that. </p>
<p>I feel like she must not see that she is quite a catch. I tried to instill in her (and all of my children) that she is a wonderful person with many talents. I’m wondering if I (unknowingly) expressed disappointment when she didn’t get the grade, or the score, or the accomplishment that she wanted. VeryHappy, you’re right, I’m feeling some guilt. Maybe it’s her personality . . . but I can’t help but think there’s a reason for this. It’s a tough time right now. I’m glad she’s home instead of at school.</p>
<p>One of my children had issues with trust. She found working with a therapist on what is a healthy relationship and what is not helped. She made a decision that for her own mental well being it might be healthy to take a break from any bf/gf relationship. My child took a break for over a year. Now back in the first relationship she is being careful to not repeat old patterns.</p>
<p>I would be concerned if there was a pattern developing, but your D is still young. I think it takes awhile to grow, mature and have a strong relationship. Getting counseling is always an option for some people for whom talking it out can be a positive but the person getting the counseling needs to “want” the counseling. I also think finding “Mr. Wrong” or “Miss Wrong” a couple times, helps you to grow emotionally so that you can connect with someone for the long haul. There is just so much emotional growth between 15 and 25 or so that I think is very important and integral to developing a good emotional IQ. I do agree with oldfort that when it’s right…you just know it’s “right.”</p>
<p>BTW Dbate it goes both ways. For some reason when I was young I always ended up with the guys everybody else wanted. I am not classically “good looking”. Never have been, never will be…used to drive my girlfriends crazy! In high school I was voted “class citizen” yuck and at my husbands school he was voted “most want to be on a deserted island with.” Go figure.</p>