<p>D. has several friends who hate themselves and harm themselves - at least that’s according to what they say on tumblr. (message got from D.) It’s very scary. A lot of them seem to do it. Is it something to worry about? Typically they use scissors cut their wrists and legs, etc. They influence each other and “learn” from each other. </p>
<p>I’m very disturbed by this. Should I? or am I over-reacting? Is there anything that the schools are doing to help kids like this? or do the schools even know?! Should they know? I’m just over all very confused and concerned by what D. told me. Thank God D. is not one of them - at least not yet. I hope she never will.</p>
<p>Yes, this is serious and should be addressed. When my D was in 7th grade, a girl she knew was cutting herself. She told me about it and I told her that I’d have to inform the counselor at school, which I did. He took immediate action, got her parents involved and she attended therapy. It helped her greatly and I was very glad my D told me about it.</p>
<p>I think you need to talk to your D and tell her that you need to report this to the counselor at school, and then follow through with it.</p>
<p>It’s possible that your daughter told you about this because she wants someone who will be taken seriously to report it to the school authorities. She may have been passing the buck to you, which in this instance, is not necessarily a bad idea.</p>
<p>If your daughter is willing, perhaps she could help you get printouts of what they have posted. The school counselors might want to see that.</p>
<p>They’re the friends she knows from a summer camp. (not naming the camp, but some of you might know me so…) I don’t know those kids’ schools, and I don’t know their parents. (not really. I met some of them, from dropping off/picking up my daughter in the camp.) I talked to H. our decision now is to stay out of it. But it bothers me some. I don’t now if it’s the right decision.</p>
<p>I’ve heard things very similar. (same camp, maybe?) :)) We decided we couldn’t help from long distance and not really knowing the parents and schools. </p>
<p>But I hope to hear from people here so I can understand the situation better - since I have a teenager, we do worry about things like this. Do these kids get out it as they grow? It’s really bothersome, esp. if your own child is a friend with them.</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem to me like there’s nothing you can do. You can contact the camp to see if there’s any way either they, or you, can contact the relevant kids schools and let them know about what’s going on. If your kid knows them they probably know what school they go to (or can likely find it on Facebook easily).</p>
<p>I have a few friends that were cutters before I knew them, and it’s an issue that will stick with them forever. A large part of it is the reminder every time they look at their arm of how they used to feel about themselves. One or two refuse to wear short sleeve shirts since the scars are so obvious and don’t want the attraction they will bring.</p>
<p>Tumblr is a home for a lot of kids, including cutters (self injury or self-harm). My understanding in trying to address a relative’s issue with this is that it is not self-hatred, it is rather a way of dealing with anxiety and turmoil. The cutter shifts the focus of emotional pain from what seems unmanageable and impossible to something discrete which they control. The urge to self-harm can be triggered by hearing about or seeing someone else, so the community on tumblr and elsewhere can be both helpful to kids who feel isolated but can also feed it. </p>
<p>When the student we knew who was cutting found out that other people had noticed, and cared enough to communicate with them and the adults who care about them, it made some difference. There is a way in which this can be an addiction that kids need a push to get “onto the wagon”; supportive, non-judgmental concern from adults could help move that teen to different choices. It is shocking behavior to those who have never encountered it, but you can read in support organizations and elsewhere that many teens are able to move beyond this as a coping mechanism as they get into their 20s. The scars can be permanent reminders, however. </p>
<p>So, I would agree that communicating with the summer program to express concern would be appropriate.</p>
<p>@racineReaver, so those friends of yours are now adults? Are they okay now? were they “cutters” when they were teens? How do they think about themselves, looking back? My d.'s several friends do self harm in different ways. Like OP put it, they seem to “learn” from each other. One of her friends (now 15) used to be okay. She met him in July, he was still a happy kid, at least that was how D. felt. But now he talks about hurting himself, just because he doesn’t do well in an area as his mother expected him to. D. thinks partly it’s because he has been around with this group of friends who self hate and self harm.</p>
<p>“It would be erroneous, however, to assume that self-injury is a fleeting adolescent phenomenon. Data from college studies suggest that 30% - 40% of college respondents report initiating self-injury while 17 years old or older (Whitlock et. al, 2006). Although the majority of college students surveyed report stopping within five years of starting, it is also clear that the behavior can last well into adulthood.”</p>
<p>Yes Shrinkwrap I agree with the Cronell link. Cutting is abnormal and NOT an adolescent “phenomenon”. There is something very wrong with kids that engage in this type of behavior and they DO need help. Like the OP it would disturb me if I heard about this type of behavior. I supposed I’d probably try to talk to my kids if it was someone they knew and see if there was anything they could do.</p>
<p>I know most of them did it when they were older, not really younger teens. One or two did it while in college. They’ve graduated college and are now pretty well adjusted adults (we’re in our late 20s). Holding steady well paying jobs, starting families, etc. There’s no reason to assume just because someone behaves in a behavior such as this they’ll be broken forever. That said, it’s probably a good idea to try and help them sooner than later.</p>
<p>Looking at the description Shrinkrap gave for the self-injury gave I’d probably say I did something a lot more often when I was younger. When I think intently on a problem, or if I get really frazzled when dealing with things I have a tendency to chew on my knuckles, usually enough to cause a bit of pain and bruising. It helps me focus on what’s at hand, and reminds me I’m in control of what I’m doing (though I do appreciate the contradiction in me feeling compelled to do something in order to feel in control…).</p>
<p>@maxwell, it’s so interesting! ( I think our daughters do go to the same camp, maybe not the same site, but…) @RAcine, thank you for sharing your experience. </p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the comments. this thing quite bothers me and I feel frustrated because I can’t help. D. today told me in her school she knows one girl who does that. (cutting) I said you should tell the counselor. She said then she’d hate me. I’ve never heard things like this before. Before she went to her camp this year, she did see some facebook posts, indicating things like that were happening. But tumblr is much more revealing. It’s dark and scary. some of them even have suicidal thoughts.</p>
<p>My best friend growing up and my best friend in high school were both cutters. Both made multiple suicide “attempts”. (They’re both 21 and well adjusted now- both came from VERY bad home lives and were eventually successfully treated with therapy). </p>
<p>Those who cut do so for multiple reasons. Sometimes it’s because you need a way to express anger, hurt, etc and to do so in a physical way is an addiction for some people. Other times (as in the case of my friends), it’s because it’s about the only thing you feel you have control over in your life. Either way, the cutting is a physical manifestation of an underlying issue. No one cuts just to cut. </p>
<p>Truly, unless your D is good friends with these people, there’s really nothing you can do. </p>
<p>With that said, she can alert a teacher or a counselor. Unless your D is the ONLY one who knows, it is unlikely that they’ll pin it on her. Even if they do, your D needs to decide what’s more important to her- whether or not she needs to be accepted or whether or not she wants to help someone. My best friend in hs knew that I was the one who “told” on her and she HATED me for a while. After therapy, we were back to being best friends. I don’t regret it for a minute. Other people aren’t willing to go through that, and that’s OK. </p>
<p>Now- please also remember that people on Tumblr, fb, etc are often WAY over-dramatic. Most cutters I knew did NOT broadcast it to society unless they were SOLELY seeking attention. Most cutters want to be in control so they cut their thighs, upper arms, breasts, etc to hide the marks. If they are posting about it, it is likely for attention (but again, not something I would take lightly) OR they’re not really doing anything and again, just want the attention.</p>
<p>Agree that tumblr can have as little to do with kids’ real lives as FB – we know a number of kids who use tumblr to explore their artistic and emotional dark side but are not at risk of doing what they express. At the same time, the cutters we know who are on tumblr use it as safe space to express themselves in a way they feel they cannot in real life or FB. </p>
<p>As a parent, I discount some of what I have seen on tumblr, but if I knew a student in real life who was cutting, I would share the concern with appropriate school authorities, parents (if you know them) etc. Again, we know one family who was very grateful when the parents of kid’s friends and teachers reached out to the parents about what they heard their kids talking about or observed.</p>
<p>romanigypsyeyes and Midwestemom, that’s an interesting possibility to think about - they post those things on tumblr to get attention. That’s almost as sickening as cutting themselves, but oh well, kids these days. </p>
<p>
I do have the impression that tubmlr is somehow darker than fb. don’t know why though.</p>