senioritis... again

Parent Cafe
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<p>Just venting here - </p>

<p>D1 is graduating in May, and I’m sure will have no problems lining up a decent job once she returns home. Due to distance from home, she has not had the benefit of interviewing here, but she knows she wants to return to our area for a job.</p>

<p>She was home for Easter break, and I’m feeling very unappreciated. We did lots of shopping, went out and had lots of fun, etc. Her taxes were a bit difficult this year as the job she has is treated as self-employment, and H and I have never had to deal with the schedules and forms related to that. So I spent at least a couple of hours while she was home trying to figure it all out. Of course, she hadn’t been setting any of her paycheck aside to pay taxes, so now she has to fork out almost $800 for federal and state combined. She had the gall to call tonight and ask for money to pay her taxes. I told her no way. She got mad and hung up, and now her away message says, “I’m poor and no one cares.” (can you hear the violins playing now?)</p>

<p>It’s six weeks until graduation… all her room and board are covered; she has no expenses coming up other than whatever entertainment she wishes to engage in until then. She doesn’t need money for anything, and even if she does, she still has a couple of hundred left, and will have some more paychecks coming in. </p>

<p>So I was trying to figure out why she’s being so crabby and witchy with a <em>b</em>, and being very needy. I know she’s in transition between college life ending and entering the real world. Only one of her friends will be living within an hour and a half from our home - the others will all be an airplane ride away. I know she is grieving the loss of her close knit group of friends, and is not looking forward to living at home and starting the job search seriously (she has been applying to places on line). But the whole pattern reminds me so much of the end of senior year of high school when she became so emotionally needy and demanding. I was looking forward to her coming home, and being here for as long as she needs to get on her feet, but right now I’m not liking her a whole lot. She had really turned into a very lovely person while in college, being very responsible and self-motivated. I suspect she’s just feeling depressed over saying good-bye to all that she’s known for the last four years, and doesn’t know how to express it.</p>

<p>I understand her experience. When I graduated from college, I took a retail job to stay in my college town because I couldn’t fathom moving back home to look for a job. So I definitely feel for her, but she’s the one who has made the choice to return home, as opposed to staying out east where many of her friends will be. We’ve never suggested where she should live or get a job or encouraged or discouraged her from returning to our area. </p>

<p>This is not how I anticipated this transition.</p>

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<p>I would love to be in your daughter’s shoes. I would love to have a place to live (I assume rent free) after I graduate from college. It seems like you are not pressuring her into finding a permanent job (which is good). I wouldn’t worry about her though. After a couple months, I think she will be just fine.</p>

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<p>The taxes represent the total responsibility of adulthood, and who wants that?!? If your instinct has been that she has matured and developed all the discipline and energy she will need to make her way, then trust that she will be fine. It reminds me of potty training a toddler…who wants that responsibility for the rest of ones life…who can blame them for resisting…far easier just to not address the situation, expecting parents to deal with it. Hugs, it will be better…none of this evolution of adulthood is overnight.</p>

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<p>You probably shouldn’t be surprised, this sounds like “just her”. Come here and vent whenever you need to, she’ll slowly get over it.</p>

<p>I deal with transitions by getting very depressed, come to think of it, I’m probably really hard to live with too.</p>

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<p>Teriwtt-sent you a PM, but thought this might help others, so going to post here.
It has come to my attention that birth control pills can, and often do, have terrible side effects. They can cause drastic mood swings, depression, and other very disturbing psychological issues. This is very serious, and I have no idea if this is related to your daughter’s attidude, but this might help other parents who notice drastic changes in their daughters moods.</p>

<p>Just google-especially the blogs and you will see how prevalent this is. Some girls post they feel like they have “PMS on steroids” types of mood changes.</p>

<p>Everytime I see Yaz promoted on TV, I cringe, because this was the cause of serious personality changes in two girls I know.</p>

<p>Our D’s have enough to deal with in this culture/ society they don’t need to be victims of unwanted drug side effects.
(Apparently, drs do not do sufficient job of warning the girls)</p>

<p>Hope this helps someone out there…</p>

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<p>Another possible explanation: around here, it has recently started to feel like most people know what they’re going to be doing after graduation. Back in the fall and the early spring, your daughter may have felt like she was making an objectively better choice. While her friends stressed about grad school applications and job interviews, she wasn’t worrying about that stuff yet. But now, a lot of her friends are probably through the interviews and cementing plans for next year, while she still has that process hanging over her head.</p>

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Me, too! </p>

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The situation is only that more cushy for her. Through my husband’s employer, as long as we are supporting 50% of her living expenses (meaning she’s living at home with no full-time job), she will continue to be covered on his health insurance until age 25! We’ve made it very clear that, while she doesn’t necessarily want to be living at home, she should use this health coverage as an advantage not to take the first job that comes along. We did receive a letter from her college’s school back in December informing parents that kids who graduate with this major cannot necessarily expect to have jobs lined up at graduation… that the lead time for jobs is more like 2-4 weeks. So we know what she’s up against. However, she has good experience, and is bright, so we know within a few months, that right job will come along. In the meantime, her part-time job that she does telecommuting from school will continue (and it pays very, very well), so she will have some spending money. And the woman she works for has wonderful networks within the field.</p>

<p>I guess that’s my problem… she doesn’t know how good she has it, and then complains about paying taxes. Grrrrrr</p>

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awww… sorry to hear that, but I think you’re not alone. All transitions involve some amount of grieving, so being depressed over major transitions is very common.</p>

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Wow! Last summer her gyne switched her to Yaz because whatever else she was on was causing her blood pressure to inch up. However, when she was in high school she was not on the pill, so I know she has the tendency toward being stressed in transitions, anyway. But I will definitely keep this in mind. I wouldn’t say she has a major personality change, but this is the first I’ve heard of Yaz causing this problem. She doesn’t use the pill for birth control - she got on it in college when her periods became heavy, irregular and painful. Perhaps when she moves back home and adjusts to a more normal schedule and begins to live without hundreds of girls, it might be worth considering her stopping it.</p>

<p>To add to my lack of sympathy for her plight - the Saturday she was home before Easter, she was out with us at a bar listening to a cover band, and she ran into a boy she knew from high school that she’s always kind of been interested in. The last couple of times they’ve run into each other, there’s been more of a spark. He was also at this bar Saturday night, and she ended up spending the rest of the evening with him and some other friends. He also took her out for a short bit Sunday night after dinner and she told me she thinks he wants to date her when she comes home. THEN, the father of said boy’s friend, who was also at the bar, talked to her for about 20 minutes regarding possible job opportunities. He has connections, and he gave her his e-mail and told her to send her resume to him, that he knows a lot of people in the communications field. She was so pumped about it.</p>

<p>So, in a period of a couple of days, she had a wonderful shopping spree (thanks to her me), had a great time out with us that led to a possible romance when she comes home, got a strong lead for a job, etc. (like insomniatic said, I’d love to be in her shoes at that age!), but she then gets mad at me because I won’t give her money to pay her taxes. It just sent me over the edge a bit.</p>

<p>Venting helps… thanks!</p>

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<p>terwtt- I know two girls who recently went off Yaz.</p>

<p>Here is just one of lots of posts I found from googling the blogs-
I typed in “Yaz side effects”</p>

<p>Medications.com you can see that Yasmin has more than twice as many reviews (mostly negative) as any other drug listed!
Yasmin has some ingredients that claim to minimize mood swings that are a side effect of many other birth control pills. However, I experienced episodes bordering on psychotic while on Yasmin, and I am not alone.
I found this link very interesting. It’s from a 2001 article and study that found that Yasmin can be effective in lessening PMDD, which can be characterized by severe mood swings and so much more. However, I experienced something like PMDD while ON Yasmin… and NEVER before had experienced such horrible mood swings bordering on psychotic. It interrupted my life and my relationships. I did not take Yasmin until 2 years after this research and article was done, in early-to-mid-2003. From what I’ve heard, the newest incarnation of Yasmin, called Yaz, is supposed to be more effective at treating PMDD. One can only hope. Don’t get me wrong-- I have no doubt that Yasmin works for SOME women. I just think it DOESN’T work for even more women. I know about a dozen women who have taken it, and ALL of them had bad experiences.</p>

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<p>teriwtt</p>

<p>I’d be here venting too, under similar circumstances. Lots of kids who go straight from home to college, mine included, are pretty sheltered and may need a few wake-up calls as they transition into the adult role. The rude shock of paying taxes is one of the nastier ones–why didn’t her employer do with-holding though? Even most adults might have trouble managing the taxes thing without that. </p>

<p>Disturbing info about Yazmin. Though I have only a son, I’ll file it away in my memory banks for my friends with daughters.</p>

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<p>Because she wasn’t considered an employee of the company. It’s a small, two-person PR agency which specializes in green issues, and I think as their client census goes up and down, they hire a person or two for extra help while they need it. My D has been fortunate to have fairly steady hours since she returned to school in August… just enough to keep her busy and make some good money for the few hours a week she works. But the understanding all along has been if the firm’s client census goes down, her work could be cut back even further. On the other hand, I guess if when she graduates, the client census is up, she could get more hours while she’s looking for something more permanent (another reason she doesn’t necessarily need to be in a hurry to find just any job - she’ll have some income coming in, and will be covered under our health insurance). So for these reasons, she is considered self-employed. Her mistake was not setting aside money each paycheck to cover taxes when they were due.</p>

<p>Regarding her taxes, she doesn’t even get a W-2; she got a 1099 Misc. form. That involved two schedules to complete. And she doesn’t have any deductions since she doesn’t do any driving related to her job. It’s all done from her computer, and her sorority house provides wireless internet access, so she’s not even paying for that. It’s really a sweet deal, but she just got greedy with the money coming in and didn’t set any aside.</p>

<p>I’ve also been giving some thought to getting her a new computer for graduation. She’s had the same Dell all four years. She really wants a MacBook, and for the kind of work she will be doing, it makes sense. And if we buy it before she graduates, we get the school’s discount. The day after she graduates, she loses the opportunity for the school discount. However, after this recent phone call, I’m not feeling too generous.</p>

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<p>Both sides of FICA had to be a rude awakening!</p>

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<p>^^^^
no kidding. Glad it wasn’t me!</p>

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<p>Owing $800 in taxes, moving home, indefinite employment, leaving friends…my guess is that it’s not how your daughter anticipated it, either.</p>

<p>It’s obvious from your posts that your daughter is in a great position, thanks to both of your efforts, so I don’t mean that as any kind of criticism! But graduation, despite all of the wonderful things that it stands for, is a bizarrely stressful time…lots of change, lots of unknowns…the ‘end of an era’, in some sense. I’m sure that the moods will pass and things will all work out for the best. In the meantime, best of luck. Such is the joy of daughters (and I say that as one myself) ;)</p>

<p>FWIW: One of my closest friends takes Yaz, and it’s the only brand she’s found (among many) that doesn’t cause dramatic physical or emotional side effects. I’m no authority on this, so by all means stay wary, but do keep an open mind.</p>

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<p>This may make me different from most parents here, but just to throw my .02 in - when the initial phone call came in asking for help with taxes, I’d probably have offered to loan her half of the money (with a firm deadline set for repayment). I agree with the other posters who have said that the moodiness is probably related to the upcoming changes in her life, which are indeed reminiscent of the whole high school senior year angst-producing drama. :slight_smile: And, at this point, I’d stick by the original response, which is certainly justifiable.</p>

<p>I know it’s important to teach financial responsibility - which your d sounds as if she’s already learned (working during college). But with the end of a happy college situation in sight, I’d be willing to float a small loan so that there’s still the possibility of some fun with the friends who have meant so much over the past four years. This is just me (and who knows, maybe I’m in a particularly compromising mood this AM). </p>

<p>I agree that it’s wise to approach hormonal birth control with caution. But I’ll add that one of my older daughters is on Yaz, and her pre-menstrual moodiness has abated to a noticeable degree. At least to the extent I can determine by telephone. Thankfully!</p>

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<p>frazzled1 - I kind of like your idea! But even if she pays the taxes herself, she’s still got over $200 left to last her for six weeks, and that doesn’t include another paycheck or two that could amount to around $100 each. We’ve already bought her sorority formal dress, as well as a dress for graduation, so she has no need for clothes in the next six weeks; it’s really about entertainment, and I just don’t see why she needs more than what she has left. But if she does, I would be willing to make that offer to loan half. Daughter hasn’t called me since Tuesday, but she will have to reach out to me first an offer an apology for the name-calling. I will not allow that to slip by.</p>

<p>Re: birth control pill. At work today, one of my co-workers told me she was having dinner with a friend last night, when her friend received a phone call that her 30-year old daughter had a stroke two states away and was in the hospital, paralyzed on one side. I asked my co-worker if the 30-year old was on birth control, and she said yes. My co-workers own daughter had to be hospitalized for blood clots a couple of years ago, due to the pill. It’s just so scary, I wish it weren’t so easy for young women to get it, but I do know how much relief it offers to those who need it for menstrual cycle issues.</p>