<p>*Or a person who criticizes everything that others wear, say, and do behind their back, and yet others try desperately to be their friend. *</p>
<p>I must say I have never IRL known anyone like that.
I think the way to treat rude people if you must deal with them is assume best intentions. ( even if you know otherwise)
Telling someone else they look ridiculous is a wasted statement IMO.
They already know what they are wearing & an observation that is meant to make them uncomfortable just points out that you don’t have anything better to do than comment on others clothing.
I think a good response might be " thank you for inquiring, but I am quite comfortable I assure you."</p>
<p>*
And WHY others tend to flock to those nasty judgemental people and try so hard to be liked and approved by them?*</p>
<p>I expect these others are the same types who can’t buy anything unless someone recommends it to them, who thinks if something is expensive it must be “worth it” & who mistake arrogance for confidence hoping it will rub off on them
Someday they will realize life is too short to devalue your own opinion, not to mention morals.</p>
<p>People are mean and critical, because they are mean and critical.
The only thing you can do is laugh at them and/or develop a thicker skin. Don’t ruminate over their so called “popularity”. Who cares ?</p>
<p>I don’t know anyone like that because the minute I realize a person is like that, I loose all interest in them. I won’t stand by and listen to someone criticize my friends.</p>
<p>As for the adult woman who asked about the other woman’s outfit, I think there is something wrong with her and would feel sorry for her. Adults do not speak to each other like that unless someone is “off.”</p>
<p>I agree with all of the above but I do notice the phenomenon of certain people who are nasty and yet do manage to draw others to them like flies. Sometimes I think it’s a survival thing. In order to avoid being the target some will try to become an ally. </p>
<p>I have developed enough self confidence that this kind of thing doesn’t bother me much. A great response that i use when someone says something cutting or passive aggressive is “Why would you say that?!!” It catches them off guard and points out the inappropriateness of their remark. Those kind of people will keep acting that way until someone calls them on it.</p>
<p>I just came back form seeing “Bridesmaids” and there is a scene in that movie where one of the characters blurts out exactly what she is thinking when a “mean” situation arises. It is hysterical and there is nobody, I bet, that doesn’t relate to it.</p>
<p>I will definitely use the “why would you say that?” line. I’ll be very interested in the other person’s response.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why I care so much about how unfair it is that mean people triumph. I think it is because I would like life to be fair - meaning that those who treat others well get treated well and those who are critical or hurtful get put in their place…but that rarely happens and mean people go on their merry way and are not called on their hurtful behavior because nobody tells them. Others are trying so hard to be accepted by them. Really messed up if you ask me!</p>
<p>Not everyone is trying to be accepted by them. Watch carefully. You will see some that don’t care and feel good about themselves. These are the others, like you, that recognize the toxic behavior. I don’t agree that these people always “win”. What are they winning? If you can work on the part of yourself that feels diminished by these peoples treatment, you will be the winner.</p>
<p>I can’t wait until you try the “why would you say that?” response! Tell us what happens when you do. </p>
<p>The other day I was with someone at work (so I had no choice). She is someone who is often blunt and rude but pretends she is joking. She said something rude to me and I said “That was rude”. She backpeddled immediately. When you confront the behavior the power shifts from them to you.</p>
<p>Could the woman who made the comment at the party meant it in a kidding way? Some people are big teasers, but are in no way mean spirited. Or maybe she just has no filter. I would have just laughed.</p>
<p>It really depends on the personality, the tone of voice and whether the two knew each other at all. But, actually, I can think of a few reasons, such as a recent surgery, that someone might be all covered up that wouldn’t be so funny. Personally, I usually take a sweater with me if I’m invited somewhere indoors on a hot day - I can get chilly where there’s too much AC. But if someone made that comment to me, I’d probably just agree with them!</p>
<p>There’s a group of women here in town who’re still like that in their 40’s! They give me the creeps and I steer clear of all of them! (aging “cool girls”)</p>
<p>But why would you think that means they have triumphed? IMO, it means nothing other than they have the attention of a few other misguided and possibly mean-spirited people. You know the saying…‘birds of a feather stick together.’ People like that have nothing to offer you and you are better off staying away. One of the hardest things to do is to figure out how you, as an individual, define success but everyone eventually needs to do it. It will clear up a lot of this angst because you will realize that ‘being popular’ is not a measure of one’s success. For many people, being a good friend, having people that you love and love you back, being a good parent, financial stability, etc. are the true measures of success. Not how much money you make, the car you drive, how ‘good’ you look, etc. Those are superficial things that are important to superficial people.</p>
<p>The person who stood there and took the comment about the clothes shares in the responsibility for allowing it. I don’t understand the motivation of allowing someone to talk to her like that. As much as it pains me to quote Dr. Phil - “people can only treat you the way you let them.” There is a duty to put someone like that in her place. A missed opportunity only sets up the next person.</p>
<p>Some people just aren’t all that good at putting other people in their places. I know I’m not. When someone asks me a question that’s out of line, I go through this painfully slow process of realization - “What did she say? My outfit? There’s something wrong with my outfit? What’s wrong with my outfit? Is something missing? Wait a minute - did she just diss me? What the !@#$?”</p>
<p>I know there are clever ways of responding when you’re put on the spot in public, or even just the time-honored Miss Manners comback: “why would you ask a question like that?” I can never think of them quickly enough. Part of it is that I’m just so taken aback by someone asking me that kind of question, because I’d never do it to someone else.</p>
<p>Sometimes a look says it all. I think if you just look like “wow, did you really just say that?” you have the advantage of taking the high road and giving negative feedback all at the same time.</p>
<p>I love the response “wow, did you just say that?” I hope I have the confidence to use it! The thing is I often wonder if it is worth it to get the backlash of a comment like that because the person who put down others for what they wear, IS critical and mean and rude…yet is sought after by many. If I were to say that her “followers” are liable to gang up on me!</p>
<p>So what. What can they do - you don’t fear physical harm do you? </p>
<p>You absolutely must learn to stand up for yourself. Practice if you must. Stand in front of the mirror and say - “Do you find it necessary to be unkind?” “I find it extremely inappropriate that you just asked/said that.” “That comment hurt my feelings and I’m sure you didn’t intend to do that.” and then throw in “Do you kiss you mother with that mouth?” just for good measure. </p>
<p>You must also teach your daughters to stand up for themselves - not in an aggressive way. Sometimes standing up for yourself means removing yourself from the situation and ignoring the unkind words. That takes the power away and that is what this is all about.</p>
<p>Exactly! You can start with small steps to help build your confidence and remember, the idea is not to get into an argument or be mean yourself, but rather to call the person on their behavior. Some women are very good at walking a fine line in social situations and will make passive aggressive or subtle comments that are intended to wound but are not blatant enough to demand a confrontation. Those are the ones that get away with it because many victims feel like they “may have misunderstood” or may have overreacted" or just don’t want a scene. You don’t have to make a scene, though. Just a quiet " Why would you say that?" or “What would make you ask me that?” with a surprised and serious look on your face will go far to turn the power around.</p>
<p>Also a book suggestion by the author of “Queen Bees and Wannabes” is called “Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads”. It talks about this very issue and how to navigate it.</p>