<p>I would love to start a trend in the U.S which helped our young people to realize that being excluded or deciding to stay away from the “popular” group makes one a better, more sensitive, person…the challenge is to help people feel really proud and good about themselves when the media and most of our society seem to look up to and desire “popular” behavior.</p>
<p>I believe our country, and the world, is much less better off because of these “popular” values and behaviors that we strive for.</p>
<p>I agree wis.
My younger D had several groups in high school that she moved between.
One group was students ( generally of color) who she knew from her " average" or remedial courses. ( when I picked her up early one day from a math class, some of the students were studying in the hall, they said to me " you must be ____ mom" When I asked them how they knew they said I " looked just like her". This put a grin on my face for days, as D is about 5" taller than I, 20lbs lighter and beautiful. I finally mentioned it to D & she said " I am the only white girl in the class." oh. )
She also had friends that had been in the districts advanced placement middle school & were attending this high school because they had more AP courses than any other ( & a stellar orchestra that many were in)</p>
<p>Both of these groups were also on the same school or community sport teams she was on. ( not as often the instrument playing students- as jazz band & orchestra take up a lot of time)
D took Ap courses as did her friends from her math class, but they generally took only one or two AP classes a year, not 4 or 5 like some.</p>
<p>The students I met were friendly & polite & while some were more socially skilled than others, I didn’t notice at all that the students who were very popular, were exclusionary- actually I found the opposite to be true.</p>
<p>I think that being excluded and mistreated by the in-crowd can make you a better, more sensitive person if you decide you’ll never treat another person the same way. This is one of the few benefits I gained from my four tortured years as a member of the out-crowd in high school. </p>
<p>But of course you’re not automatically kind and sensitive just because you’re not part of the popular crowd; and not everyone in the popular crowd is a mean Queen Bee or jerky, superficial guy. “Popular crowd” is really a misnomer because often members of that group don’t seem to be popular with anyone except others from the same group - and maybe not even with them! </p>
<p>Fortunately, we all get to graduate from high school and walk away from that “you are where you sit at lunchtime” mindset. :)</p>
<p>Great article! it is so true that the “popular” kids and adults tend to look down on those who are more down to earth and more true to themselves. The shame of it is when those nice, more accepting true blue people end of feeling less good about themselves because they have been belittled by those who are “popular.”</p>
<p>Makes me mad that great kids and adults have to suffer in the hands of this distorted view that is perpetuated in our schools and in the adult world. I would love to see this whole idea change and the popular, exclusionary folks be exposed for who they are- people who have to conform to a notion of what they think will make them be accepted rather than be their true self and allow others to express themselves as well!</p>
<p>I hate to say it but I don’t think that will ever change. I know that I have changed as I have matured. I don’t care what people think unless they are people that I care for or respect. Why does it matter to adults whether the “popular” adults exclude them? Find a group of people who are like-minded and care about you for who you are. </p>
<p>Tell the kids in your life the same thing. It is a tough lesson to learn. I do think that extreme cases of exclusion (bullying) are become less tolerated in the schools, although we still have a way to go.</p>
<p>We can help our kids to feel comfortable in their own skin by setting an example of what that looks like. Parents who are socially insecure often project that on their children and create anxiety where there would be none without the parent’s angst.</p>
<p>I’m not suggesting that this is the case with you but when you can’t change other people, you need to look at what you can change in your reaction to those people.</p>
<p>There is great value in being able to be comfortable with a wide range of people rather than sticking with a particular clique, especially while growing up. My kiddos had some friends but also have learned to navigate larger spheres and have found it VERY useful in interviews & being comofrtable in a wide variety of situations. They have much more poise than I’ve seen in many of their peers due to their varied life experiences.</p>
<p>Adversity can indeed make people stronger, kinder and more considerate, IF they choose to learn from it. :)</p>
<p>I’m not sure what you’re trying to get at here questbest, and I read both of your posts. I went to a large public HS and was part of the “popular” crowd, but we were never exclusive or mean to others from what I can remember. My group of friends were generally high-achieving students and athletes. I was friends with most everyone on homecoming court, prom court, etc. Most of us went to church, youth group, FCA (I was captain senior year) and were in other school clubs like NHS. Most all of my friends completed the 75 hours of community service needed for Bright Futures, with many doing more than that. I didn’t experience any cliques, our friend group was large and we all had other friends as well.</p>
<p>I’ve always maintained several groups of friends and numerous acquaintances from all areas of life. I consider myself a sensitive and kind person. I probably fit your description too as I wore preppy clothes and a letterman jacket regularly, but the reason I was proud to sport my jacket was because I was proud of the hard work I put into each of my sports, academics, and band, not to show off to others or exclude them.</p>
<p>I wasn’t part of the in-crowd in high school. Heck, I was president of the Science Club. That should tell you everything you need to know about my social standing. And I’m not so sure being unpopular in school imbues you with any particular virtue. Nor does being popular necessarily strip you of any goodness either. I’ve known way too many exceptions in both directions to assert any particular value to unpopularity or any lack of virtue to popularity.</p>
<p>I think how sensitive and kind one is depends much more on the upbringing than on social popularity in school.</p>
<p>Speaking as the former secretary of the Library Club, let me just say again that I think being excluded from the in-group can indeed make you a more sensitive, caring person - not merely because you’re in the out-group, though. If you’re aware of what it feels like to be judged solely on superficial characteristics, and decide that you won’t judge others in that way - I’d say you’ve used that negative experience to become a better person.</p>
<p>But after all, it’s just as wrong to decide that members of the in-crowd, by virtue of being in, are mean or insensitive as it is to decide that members of the out-crowd, by virtue of being out, are unworthy or inferior (or, as the first post might imply, kinder and more sensitive). </p>
<p>I had an interesting conversation in college with a guy who’d been a real BMOC in high school. We were talking about those stringent social groups and I told him how difficult it was to go in to school every day (with the wrong clothes because I couldn’t afford the right ones, one of those Library Club girls). He told me about the pressure on the other end - how hard the kids in the in-crowd had to work at maintaining their status, how worried he always was that he’d make the wrong move and find himself on the outside. He almost had me convinced until I realized - he was pretty much saying he was afraid of turning into the male equivalent of me. Cry me a river, guy. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Thank God that high school is only four years long! When you’re an adult, who cares what the Meanie Moms in the PTA think? I will never achieve in-group status in any sphere, but why would I want that if the in-group doesn’t want me? It’s all about the fit. ;)</p>
<p>I think we need a new word other than “popular”, which means, “appealing to or appreciated by a wide range of people” and well liked. If we are talking about mean people, lets just say “mean people”. Popular people are not by definition mean. In fact, just the opposite.</p>
<p>That’s true, danceclass. The Plastics in Mean Girls were feared and despised, but certainly not well-liked, even by each other.They thought they ruled the school, though, and a lot of other people agreed. But that’s not popularity, it’s some other weird thing.</p>
<p>Popular people are not by definition mean. In fact, just the opposite.
That’s what * I * said. ;)</p>
<p>I think just as often the " high status" exclusionary group considers others to be* declasse*, “everyone else” considers the " movers & shakers" to be - elitist & shallow.
Both stereotypes are often inaccurate.</p>
<p>I was meeting some people at a restaurant in my old neighborhood a few years ago & sat at the bar while I waited. I was stunned to notice that I was sitting next to a BMOC when I was a freshman in high school ( he had been a senior). We started talking and I found him to be very sweet & insightful. ( we didn’t talk about high school & I admit I kept looking in the bar mirror to see how we looked together :o)</p>
<p>I don’t remember a group of mean girls, but I was friends with some girls who were social climbers ( and to my dismay, I found out at our 35th reunion, at least one still is)
She has other things about her I liked, but while in high school I gave her more credence, now I just laugh.</p>
<p>So how would you explain a person who, while sitting in the living room at a party, glances over and sees a woman on a hot day with a long sleeve shirt on and pants. She says to her husband “why would she wear that? I’m going to find out,” and proceeds to walk over to her and say “Don’t you know it’s summer. You look ridiculous. You are dressed like winter!!” And the person responds with a sheepish smile and nervous laugh.</p>
<p>Or a person who criticizes everything that others wear, say, and do behind their back, and yet others try desperately to be their friend. </p>
<p>Popular, cruel, insecure? How would you explain the motivation for this behavior?</p>
<p>Well, it is definitely mean behavior but, what I think some posters are trying to point out, is that it is not necessarily correlated with popularity. We all know people like that. I just call them b…es.</p>
<p>But what I am trying to figure out is WHY people are so mean and critical? And WHY others tend to flock to those nasty judgemental people and try so hard to be liked and approved by them?</p>