Many of us have great relationships with our kids as well, and would never bring up weight gain. Understand that every child and family are different. In parenting three kids, I tend to view things in the long term. Bringing up weight might have some sort of short term benefit, but longer term it would be a biiiiigggg negative.
While I don’t think it should be commented on extensively and of would back off if shut down, I would probably try to bring it up in a gentle way, perhaps offering to get her new clothes. Or start a general discussion about how easy it is to gain weight in college with an open cafeteria and all that drinking and share my own struggles both in college and now If she doesn’t want to talk about it, fine, back off. But the reality is she knows she gained weight and she knows you likely noticed she has gained weight. Is it pretending to completely avoid the subject? There is a way to discuss eating habits and health without body shaming. And, of course, not comment on what she is eating or drinking at home.
Interesting to me that most here seem to think you shouldn’t say anything.
Probably based personal experience of being offered help. If you’ve never had a weight issue, you don’t hear how negative and hurtful those “helpful” and “caring” comments sound. We all have mirrors. Nobody hears an offer from mom and thinks, “What?! I’ve gained weight?”
What happens if the weight gain/bad eating habits could easily lead serious health issues and premature death?
I’m 52 and I still remember the exact words my mom said about my college weight gain over break. Don’t mention it. Get new clothes so she isn’t feeling worse about the situation and encourage her to walk and keep busy over break.
I went through this when my daughter was in high school. I said nothing direct, just offered to go to Barnes & Noble with her to look for good books on nutrition and fitness. Her immediate response: “You think I’m fat!”
Yes, it’s hard not to mention the elephant in the room, but she knows about said elephant, for sure. I wish there were a helpful way to mention it, but I don’t think there is.
You are all probably right that there is no helpful way to discuss this. What if it is a symptom of depression or is a health issue? Yes, getting a check-up may be good, but the doctor may not open that door if the weight is not super excessive and the kid does not bring it up as a concern.
How does the OP KNOW the doctor didn’t mention anything about weight? If it’s just because the college kid didn’t say so, don’t assume it wasn’t discussed.
I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I too can remember the awful things my mom said to me about my weight–and about my body in general. (My all-time “favorite” : “You’re the worst-proportioned person I’ve ever seen.”)
There’s one other thing that hasn’t been mentioned–and is not something I ever had to deal with. Some young women unconsciously pack on weight after a sexual assault–especially if it’s one they haven’t told anyone about. It’s a way to make yourself unattractive and less likely to have that happen again. (It’s really not a form of protection, but many young women think it is subconsciously.) Other times, the assault brings on depression and overeating is a way to deal with the depression.
In other words, sometimes a weight gain is just a weight gain. Sometimes it is a symptom of something else and the best way to deal with t he weight gain is to figure out what the problem is.
Note that without any measured information (height and weight, waist to height ratio, body fat percentage) and history of such, there is not enough actual information to know whether the OP’s daughter really is at risk of obesity-related health problems. Subjective judgements on the matter based on appearance could very well be inaccurate and not the same in the minds of the OP and her daughter, which would lead to the kind of conflict that many others have described.
I have been with her during her Dr. appointments and have never heard the nurses, PA or her doctor ask her about her weight.@jonri
Thanks so much for all of the helpful comments. Fitness has always been a part of life in our family so we will keep modeling good choices. I’m not going to mention anything about the weight gain since she knows I know.
Again, I appreciate all the comments and wish your children success and health.
So being male and the youngest of three sisters with a mother as a single parent, I think I understand what is being said here. The comment of “we have mirrors” is a very powerful statement and something for me to consider. But… At what point do you intervene?
Freshman 15-20 we all get it . But I don’t understand when some has gained 35 lbs in 2 years why that seems to be OK also here. That alone would put anyone in the obese category of their weight /height /bmi ratio. IE : someone weighs 100 lbs and now weighs 135 lbs. That is a very big jump whether it’s 1 or 2 years.
So then when is it appropriate to intervene and offer suggestion or treatment?
As previous stated my relationships with my kids is just fine. Any statements made were not demeaning. We all realize that kids change in various ways in college especially the first year.
I specifically asked if the weight/bad eating is contributing to a serious health issue. It was not hypothetical.
Anyone want to comment on how they would handle that?
If offering suggestions or intervention had a high success rate, everyone would be taking fantastic care of themselves, and few would struggle with weight problems. No one would remember the hurtful words or attitude about their size years later.
I think one of the best things we can do is to project unconditional love towards our young adults — and to make sure our kids have access to the best medical care (& therapy) we can afford.
One of my kids requires a high degree of autonomy and privacy. We made sure she knew how her health insurance works, and told her she would be receiving EOB statements at her apartment & to just ask if she had any questions or needed to put something on the cc.
My perspective is definitely colored by what I felt was disapproval of my weight gain by certain family members. There is no paucity of comments about women’s bodies and appearance. The whole darn world has a vocal opinion. I don’t want that from the people who I need to love me most no matter what. JMO
@kiddo22 Please believe this isn’t meant to be “snarky.” It really isn’t. But are you really present during the totality of a college aged daughter’s medical appointments? Quite sincerely, I think that’s a really bad idea. No matter how close you and your D are there might be some circumstances your D just won’t discuss in front of you.
“At what point do you intervene?”
At the point where your intervention is more likely than not to result in a net positive outcome.
That has zero to do with how much weight the kid has gained, whether or not the kid is morbidly obese, whether this is a life threatening condition, whether it’s cosmetic, whether you’re truly being helpful and not judgmental, whether you’re “right”, etc.
If you have the type of relationship where the kid will be receptive to your input on this topic and your input isn’t going to cause shame, embarrassment, defensiveness, self loathing or any other negative impact, then discuss away. If you have the type of relationship where the harm of your comment is likely to outweigh any potential positive results, then keep your mouth shut. Even if you’re right.
My DD gained weight as well in college. In HS, she was in marching band and some rec sports + gym which gave her some exercise. In college, she had none of that Plus she started cooking for herself. We had some talks (at organic times like when she outgrew clothes and wanted me to buy some more) but I tried not to keep bringing it up.
I made sure her fitbit was working and when she started goign to the gym with her roommate I encouraged that.
We talked about how she was eating. I know by Tgiving she had lost some weight.
A family member was diagnosed with hypothyroidism while in college. She said she didn’t even realize how poorly she was feeling until she went on the medication and got her levels back to normal.
Since college students have aged out of their pediatrician, it’s possible the new physician isn’t fully aware of their medical history. I still advocate for all young people to have a physical to rule out underlying medical issues. In addition, they need a trusted professional they can talk to about medical and sexual issues.
Many doctors now have online portals, so students can email questions without having to physically go to the office. My son recently did this; he even uploaded a photo of the issue, and the doctor/nurse responded right away.
For a 5’4 person, a 35 pound gain from 110 pounds to 145 pounds would be moving from BMI 19 to 25, which are within the “normal” BMI range, so it is not a given that the OP’s daughter is now “obese” (BMI > 30). Also, weight or BMI alone may not accurately estimate body fat for an individual, since weight gain from muscle or bone is generally desirable but could confound measurements / assumptions of body fat based solely on weight or BMI. That, of course, assumes that the 35 pound gain was actually measured, rather than assumed based on appearances.
Given the lack of measured information, it is not known for certain that the OP’s daughter actually is overfat or obese, even though it appears that the OP and most people in this thread apparently assume that she is overfat or obese.
Studies show that making comments about a child’s weight is NOT helpful and is often harmful.
From the New York Times:
"Should parents talk to an overweight child about weight? Or should they just keep their mouths shut?
Parents in this situation are understandably torn. Say something, and they risk shaming a child or worse, triggering an eating disorder. Say nothing, and they worry they’re missing an opportunity to help their child with what could become a serious long-term health problem.
Now a new study offers some guidance: Don’t make comments about a child’s weight.
The study, published in the journal Eating & Weight Disorders, is one of many finding that parents’ careless — though usually well-meaning — comments about a child’s weight are often predictors of unhealthy dieting behaviors, binge eating and other eating disorders, and may inadvertently reinforce negative stereotypes about weight that children internalize. A parent’s comments on a daughter’s weight can have repercussions for years afterward, contributing to a young woman’s chronic dissatisfaction with her body – even if she is not overweight.
“Parents who have a child who’s identified as having obesity may be worried, but the way those concerns are discussed and communicated can be really damaging,” said Rebecca Puhl, deputy director of the Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at the University of Connecticut. “The longitudinal research shows it can have a lasting impact.”
The impact on girls may be especially destructive, she said, because “girls are exposed to so many messages about thinness and body weight, and oftentimes women’s value is closely linked to their appearance. If parents don’t challenge those messages, they can be internalized.”
The new study included over 500 women in their 20s and early 30s who were asked questions about their body image and also asked to recall how often their parents commented about their weight. Whether the young women were overweight or not, those who recalled parents’ comments were much more likely to think they needed to lose 10 or 20 pounds, even when they weren’t overweight.
The study’s lead author, Dr. Brian Wansink, a professor and the director of Cornell University’s Food and Brand Lab, characterized the parents’ critical comments as having a “scarring influence.”
“We asked the women to recall how frequently parents commented, but the telling thing was that if they recalled it happening at all, it had as bad an influence as if it happened all the time,” said Dr. Wansink, author of the book “Slim by Design.” “A few comments were the same as commenting all the time. It seems to make a profound impression.”
Some studies have actually linked parents’ critical comments to an increased risk of obesity. One large government-funded study that followed thousands of 10-year-old girls found that, at the start of the study, nearly 60 percent of the girls said someone — a parent, sibling, teacher or peer – had told them they were “too fat.” By age 19, those who had been labeled “too fat” were more likely to be obese, regardless of whether they were heavy at age 10 or not.
Comments made by family members had even stronger effects than comments made by unrelated people.
Several studies have found that when parents encourage overweight teenagers to diet, the teenagers are at higher risk of lower self-esteem and depression and of being overweight five years later.
Research by Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, a professor at the University of Minnesota, found that when parents talked to their teens about losing weight, teenagers were more likely to diet, use unhealthy weight-control behaviors and binge eat. Those behaviors are less likely to develop when conversations with parents focused on healthy eating behaviors, rather than weight per se.
Harsh comments about weight can send the message that parents are “tying weight to some kind of perception about how the child is valued,” Dr. Puhl said, and that can trigger negative feelings. “The children are internalizing that, and thinking they’re not O.K. as a person. And that is what’s leading to other outcomes, like disordered eating.”
So what’s a parent to do? Do they just stand by while their child gains weight?
Dr. Neumark-Sztainer was besieged by parents asking her this question, and wondering, “How do I prevent them from getting overweight and still feel good about themselves?”
In her book, called “I’m, Like, SO Fat: Helping Your Teen Make Health Choices About Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World,” she notes that parents can influence a child’s eating habits without talking about them. “I try to promote the idea of talking less and doing more — doing more to make your home a place where it’s easy to make healthy eating and physical activity choices, and talking less about weight.”
For parents, that means keeping healthy food in the house and not buying soda. It means sitting down to enjoy family dinners together, and also setting an example by being physically active and rallying the family to go for walks or bike rides together. Modeling also means not carping about your own weight. “Those actions speak louder than words,” Dr. Puhl said.
While your children are young, “there doesn’t need to be a conversation at all – it really is just about what’s being done at home,” Dr. Neumark-Sztainer said.
If an older child is overweight, “wait for your child to bring it up, and be there to support them when they do,” she said. “Say, ‘Look, I love you no matter what size you are, but if you would like, I will support you. I suggest we focus not so much on your weight but on your eating patterns and behaviors. What would be helpful for you?’”"
Ped's chart BMI, period. 35 pounds is a lot of weight for a young woman to gain in a year, however it is painted,
All the hand wringing aside, there is room to ask if there are any problems a parent can help with. Not least would be helping to find an appropriate medical provider that doesn’t have stickers for vaccinations.