<p>My neice has gently informed her parents that she wants to try living on the West coast after graduation from her LAC. Even though college is 8 hours away from our mid-western home, she’s always been back for summers & breaks. Everyone knows this is a wonderful time in her life and a good way to try out independence before grad school, but it still stings. Her mom is finding it particularly difficult. While she has supported & encouraged my niece in countless ways, I imagine she always hoped that life after college would include our home town, which also happens to be one of the largest cities in the US. She’s read all the books, and knows all the advice, but right now is so very sad. I’m at a loss as to how to help. Any suggestions? Thanks.</p>
<p>You can just encourage her mom to see this as another step in your niece’s development as a person. I too am living this right now. My son graduated from college (1,200 miles from home) and moved to LA, 3,000 miles from home. I too had hoped that he might come home, or at least closer to home, but that was not to be. He found a job that will further his ability to try and decide what he wants to do with his life, and will perhaps pursue grad school at some point closer to the east coast. It is very hard, but in our case we were weaned over the past 4 years. He only came home after his freshman year and since then has spent the summers and breaks overseas or in his college town, with few exceptions. We miss him a lot, but with e-mail and cell phones we manage to stay in touch on a very regular basis. I cringe when I think of him living in his apartment for 2 weeks with nothing but a mattress, but he has assured me he has it all under control. It’s time to let them fly and find their own level. No matter the distance we know that he is and will always be an integral part of our lives…just not on a daily basis.</p>
<p>Wish her THE BEST! Tell mom to let go.</p>
<p>A friend of mine, who lives in New York, has what he calls the “salmon theory of New York”. New York is a great place to be a student, a young single or a young married, but when it’s time to spawn every one of his friends returns to his or her headwaters (Ohio, Maine or wherever they came from). California is a similar type of place. Your neice will probably return home at some point.</p>
<p>Actually, the destination of the moment is Seattle, but I do like the sound of the “Salmon Theory of Seattle”. Perhaps a bit corny, but we will continue rooting for her to sow her seeds in Illinois.</p>
<p>I’d be more than happy to rent one of mine out. Both graduated in May, and both are back living at home. </p>
<p>Choice of animal care specialist or classical violist… take your pick. No reasonable offer refused. :)</p>
<p>Unless a graduate moves back to the area where she grew up it makes very little difference whether the distance is 300 miles or 3000 miles. You are probalby only going to get together a couple of times/year during the holidays and special occasions.</p>
<p>I remember when our parents were living my mom lived about 150 miles away and my in-laws about 2000 miles away. We actually saw more of my inlaws because we would take 7-14 day vacation to visit them and we went to see my mom about 3 times/yr for a weekend.</p>
<p>Violadad - 
Feast or famine, eh?</p>
<p>My kids are fleeing further and further (farther and farther???) afield. We just decided we would go north for Thanksgiving this year, since we are the only ones left in the south, it makes more sense for us to travel. Now we just need to figure out where we will all converge. </p>
<p>My middle kid has an audition on the west coast in September. All professional auditions are a long shot for young musicians, but interestingly, both my other kids (in OH and DC) have expressed dismay that he would consider moving so far away. Since I know he will also happily consider overseas auditions, part of me hopes he wins a state-side one first.</p>
<p>Our plan of attack is to give our kids another 10 or 15 years to settle down, then retire and move to wherever they are! We’re just hoping they end up near each other.</p>
<p>If I had continued to live in Boston, I could imagine my S eventually settling there. The same goes for NY, Chicago, & other areas with top job opportunities. It makes sense for young people to want to explore various areas of the country. My cousin met a girl when both were working in NYC, from the same home state, and they moved “home”.</p>
<p>Since I now live in the SE, I suspect the sunshine will be a draw for vacations. Otherwise, I’ll keep racking up the frequent flyer miles.</p>
<p>s0metimes its a logistical decision. Maybe the job opportunities the kid wanted weren’t available in the old home town.Or educational opportunities.
My older D (now 24) was set on persuing a PhD program .She applied around the country and had her best acceptance (best meaning $$,faculty,cost of lving) halfway across the country from us. She had applied to two programs in our “hometown”…which is NYC… LOL but I’m now truly glad she is where she is…she’s happy as a clam and is actually able to afford to live independently in St Louis on the stipend her University provides…something she could never do in NY or LA .
We also have come to the realization that she will have to move anywhere in the US for her first faculty job a few years hence.Its just the way it is…
Younger S is attanding college 900 miles from home and has also picked a career field where he might have to move anywhere in the US for the right opportunity. Maybe its easier for us to deal with this time, b/c D paved the way.</p>
<p>This month, I just spent $89 to fly one-way from Buffalo to San Diego (youngest), then put in $60 in gasoline to drive 450 miles one-way to Rhode Island (middle). THe cost would be the same $60 to drive 450 miles to NYC (eldest). So as long as you focus on yourself as the flyer, it is possible to say that it costs the same to see someone on the West Coast as “nearby” East Coast cities. </p>
<p>I think the concern is that the kid won’t choose to fly back often, will marry far away and have children, and the trips by grandchildren become expensive or difficult logistically. I once talked to a grandma musing at an airport, “how will I get a 3-year-old to see me as family and not a stranger?” Cleverly, she decided to paint fingernails together to establish a bond and subliminal memory to harvest in later years. I admired her shade of polish, but also her creativity.</p>
<p>I know two first-cousins in our tight extended family who moved to the West Coast in the early l980’s. THey handled their moves quite differently. One rarely returned, thinking he’d find no welcome any more when he came out to his parents as gay. This was true of some parts of the family and not others.
Only recently, as a middle-aged man, is he reconnecting. He also has the funds now with a successful business to travel freely.</p>
<p>The other cousin was a homebody by emotions, and made it her business to come home once annually to an extended family occasion (Passover, an equal family magnet for travel to Christmas in some families). I think she also visited her parents at a quiet time as well, once yearly, since they hadn’t the vision or funds to visit her. I never met her husband, but got to know her daughters as they grew up. New bonds might emerge now in the next generation between her daughters and mine, since they happened to land in the same East Coast city, while she is a long-distance guardian for my kid who just took off for the West Coast as a freshman this year. All this was made possible because as a young woman in her 20’s, she cared enough to fly home. </p>
<p>Long story. I’d say the best help the mom could give is to set aside from her own funds a budget plane ticket home, once or twice a year, to establish this pattern in her daughter’s life. That way, if she ends up staying on a distant coast, she’ll also plan her year to include a couple of back-home visits. Eventually she’ll take over the cost herself, when she can.</p>
<p>I’ve had to live away from my parents because of my H’s work, while my two brothers live within a half hour drive. Over the years, we put a lot of effort into visiting both sets of parents. The brothers do have the closer relationship, but our kids treasure the grandparents a bit more because they grew up making a big fuss over them as visitors or making effort to reach their homes. The grandparents once commented that they felt they knew all the kids (near and far) equally because the longdistance visitors (us) stayed overnights for 4-7 days when we came and they saw the kids 24/7 in their pajamas and at breakfast. The nearby grandkids showed up in the daytimes for a few hours apiece. It was different but equally connected, mentally and emotionally. Because of this effort, I’m amazed at how close my young adult kids feel to their grandparents. Since I grew up in the “around the corner” urban model, I didn’t think it was possible to love people who live that far away. </p>
<p>So, sure, let go but I’d also be telling the daughter that you both need to see each other for 2 or 3 real visits in the coming year. ANd try to get an agreement with new roommates that it’s okay for a longdistance mom to stay on a couch and not a motel for more than one overnight, in case funds are an issue and it’s hard to afford a multi-night stay in a motel. Motel stays are better for everyone, but not always affordable in every family when stacked upon the plane fare. Very individual.</p>
<p>A few days ago, I was talking to my oldest (in DC) about holiday plans. He complained that he used his minimal funds and vacation each year to come home, where he no longer has any social contacts. He asked if we would consider a “destination vacation” over holidays. He said now that we have more time and money, maybe we can have the family vacations we couldn’t afford when the kids were younger.</p>
<p>I pointed out that it would be cost prohibitive with two in college - since it would mean flying them home, then flying to the destination, then home again, then back to school. Plus the cost of the vacation. As we talked further, we decided to try a Disney vacation this Christmas. He could fly there for a few days; the rest of us could drive. We have relatives and friends in the vicinity, so housing costs should be minimal. And the Disney pass will be our Christmas present to the kids, so I don’t have to find things they really want that fit in a suitcase. I haven’t started exploring it yet; have no idea if Christmas time is packed at Disney, or more expensive. We haven’t been to Disney since about 15 years ago. Hated it then, but now that the kids are older, it might be more fun. I’m willing to give it a shot.</p>
<p>But I can see in the future that destination events might be the way to go for our kids. I can see them making time in their schedules for a cruise, or a ski trip, whereas talking them into one more trip home to sit around and stare at each other will only make them less excited about spending time with us.</p>
<p>I know many families who have done this for years, but it will be new to us. Not sure how it will go over with extended family! (All of our siblings have much younger children, which is part of the reason my kids don’t enjoy spending all their vacation time with family.)</p>
<p>Destination vacations do seem to work for alot of families, but are a bit more challenging as the grandparents age. Binx, We’re not Disney people either, but when the grandparents & my son were younger, Disneyworld was a surprisingly good pick. We did an off-season short cruise one year with our 3 generations. Even though we are NOT cruise people, the novelty worked for the one trip. We also did one of the western ski towns during summer, hotel prices were much better & yet their still was something for everyone.
At this stage it’s still hard to think of the kids scattering…but it is helpful to hear how others are approaching this challenging phase of parenting. Violadad, thanks for the rental offer, but since both kids sound great I’d never be able to choose. And Paying3tuitions, my mother-in-law always played beauty shop with her aunts when she was little and then continued the tradition with her own nieces and grandchildren. Those rainyday maincures are one of the special memories that continue to bond the generations!</p>
<p>My in laws did some family destination trips for a few years- in some ways it was great, good chance for far away cousins to stay connected, good chance to do something new & different. </p>
<p>A destination does not chnage who any one is, the in laws are difficult to be with, anywhere and the kids do not enjoy them any more after a trip to HI or Mexico than they do at their home, but at least they made some “fun” memories. Our problem was the in laws insistance in bringing along their “honarary” daughter and her family on most of these trips…one of their sons ex-girlfriend from HS & college & her H & kids! Yuck! Just a real strange decision.</p>
<p>Manicures and pedicures are a great grandma bonding experience.</p>
<p>Advice from a 46-year-old who, except for college, has never lived more than 10 minutes from her home town: Wish her the best, and let her go!!</p>