I have to say that these things never cross my mind. I’ll be happy if my two nice sons meet partners that treat them well and make them happy. I can’t imagine trying to social engineer their romantic lives.
7 Likes
Actually quite a catch. As I said above:
1 Like
This is not the cafe. If someone wants to start a thread in the cafe about marital prospects in college, your own dating history, who your child brought home for the weekend, and any other OT post, feel free. Otherwise, please return to topic.
7 Likes
(deleted)
No comments on mating.
We did not set a budget for either kid. Both kids chose to get jobs during the school year. We did not insist upon this and we did not need it financially.
ShawSon took a job as a research assistant in the summer after his freshman year and took another one research assistant job in another department after talking with me about Rhodes Scholarships. I had similar jobs in HS and college, writing software at Bell Labs and then as a research assistant at my university.
At one point, ShawWife thought we should give him a budget. I pointed out that he was a driven kid – brilliant but with learning disabilities – and he picked a very small set of goals per semester (or quarter) and drove himself to achieve and he continues to do so. I said if she thought he wouldn’t be able to add a budget constraint to his optimization problem, if she thought he wouldn’t be able to fold that that constraint if he needed to. I thought we ought to avoid the constraints until he needed to deal with them. She’s a painter so I did not use that terminology but she agreed.
If I recall correctly, ShawSon did not spend much money. He didn’t go to many restaurants (even when someone gave him a gift certificate to one). He didn’t go to concerts. He did have a car for his last three years. He used it to go to debate tournaments and to drive home (1.5 hours), which he did more frequently than we might have expected as he would come home when he was writing a big paper. We paid for the insurance, gas, phone, etc. I’m pretty sure his income covered everything else (which was probably lots of take-out pizza) and, I’m guessing, in his senior year when he had a girlfriend, dates.
ShawD transferred at the end of her first semester into an accelerated BSN/MSN program. In her first semester, she was in a school with more well-to-do kids. But her second school was more vocationally oriented (nursing, social work, library science, etc. were significant parts of the school) and the students were on financial aid and most needed jobs. She at one point had three jobs and we had to help her keep it to one job. She worked as a CMA in a rehab hospital, helping a professor with cerebral palsy manage her life, and at a Clover Food truck, among other things and then later as the nurse at night and on weekends at a school for kids with behavioral issues. These were pretty tough jobs. Not upper class jobs, but I think gave her real empathy for the folks working in hospitals and clinics. She is now the medical director of two clinics at age 31 and has to manage the quality of the medical care from a team of doctors, nurse practitioners and physician assistants, most of whom are significantly older than she is.
She had to go to urban hospitals at night, so we paid for uber. She spent more than ShawSon – more dinners out and partying than ShawSon but she was working very hard at school as well as making money with her jobs and so we didn’t think she needed a budget either.
I was paying their credit card bills so I got to see what they were spending money on and could comment if things were getting out of hand, but don’t recall ever having to do so.
In terms of work ethic, neither had a job in HS and neither had a budget in college. Both graduated summa cum laude and went to grad schools and did very well there. Somehow, both have turned into completely responsible adults. Both are doing very well in their work. Both are saving money despite the fact that they are living in among the most expensive cities in the country. ShawD bought a two family house (with down-payment help from her grandmother).
In short, whether you need a budget is probably pretty dependent on the kid. And, while I think having jobs was helpful, they could be directly career-enhancing (like ShawSon) or more tangential (like ShawD) and still be highly valuable.
I don’t know if this is helpful but it is our experience.
6 Likes
We gave our kids a set amount and they were responsible for anything over that. Stuff like spring break that isn’t through a school program they had to pay for.
Same here! My cousin did that and now she wonders why her son lives on the other side of the country and only visits on holidays and calls every once in a while. You have to let your kids grow up. Unless they’re dating someone who is abusive or dangerous you kind of have to bite your tongue.
Since it is now the end of the year I thought I would do a review of how this worked out.
As it turns out, this budget was “too much”, which is fine. As previously noted, part of why was S24 will go to NiceUnparticularMom for ordering things like clothes. But otherwise S24 did not go out too much, usually ate on campus, and so on. So, he ended up having plenty to pay for necessary costs, his share of a club sports spring break trip, some major sporting events, and so on, and still saved money which he can now put into long term investments.
5 Likes
My S24 also comes to me for clothes and usually has plenty of money saved up from any he gets/earns. 
While also having usually done a lot more than I can comprehend on the money he did spend.
One thing he doesn’t do a lot of is eating out/door dashing. He uses his meal plan and I think that made the difference on having money in the bank v. an empty wallet. Thankfully, the food at his college is usually good and it is unlimited swipes for first years.
4 Likes
What are all your experiences here with how much spending money you give your college student for personal expenses per month? Assume the child lives in the dorm, is on the meal plan, and they don’t work for pocket money. I’ve heard anywhere from $200 to $400 per month.
I’m going to be completely transparent here and say my kids had no set limit . She had been able to get a credit card in her own name through a local bank. It had a limit of like $400 but I told her to monitor it daily and if the total got close to $300 I’d send her money to pay it off. Otherwise I’d just send her money to pay it off every month. She never asked for extra money. She never really came close to the limit. One time we went to visit and we were in this store with pretty bracelets that were kind of expensive that she loved and several of her friends had and I thought to ask her “ hey, since you had a credit card and I said I’d pay whatever why did you never get yourself one?” And she said, “well I thought about if you would get yourself that bracelet and I thought no so that seemed wrong to get it for myself”. And my husband said “ I was worried when you said you weren’t giving her a spending limit but I guess she’s the kind of kid that doesn’t need one. “ If I thought she had I would have taken into an account what her social circle was doing ( dinners out a few times a month, amd a brunch on occasion) and what I thought we could easily afford for her to do and set a budget for that.
You might want to take a look at this thread: Setting a “spending money” budget for college
I have no skin in that game. Uncle Sam took care of it for us.
3 Likes
My kids allowance was $0, same as in HS. They all had part time jobs in HS, full time in the summer, and were expected to save that money for college spending money. They all worked part time in college. I have a recent graduate from undergrad and a recent grad school graduate. They are BROKE. I’ve already lent one $7000, yesterday she was down to $40 (she has to pay rent until next month, $1500 a month), so I Zelle’d her $500. Her job starts Monday, nice salary. Her sister stayed in Boston just to bartend to get her to august when her position starts (nice salary). My parents didn’t give us an allowance either.
2 Likes
Well…you can add $0 to your range. I would suggest you start at the top here and read the responses.
Why wouldn’t the student have a job while in HS and college to fund spending money? Studies show that students working up to 10 hours a week budget their time better, and do well in college. PLUS, they then have a work history and employer(s) to put on their resume. And job experience…which is a good thing.
BUT reality is…this is a family decision. You can choose to fund discretionary spending any way that works for your family.
2 Likes
We contributed $0. Both had savings from summer jobs that covered their incidentals and got campus jobs for less than 5 hours a week to keep income flowing. The kid in greek life was required to save enough to cover dues and other expenses. The kid who had an overseas training trip with his varsity team was required to cover the cost of the trip. Neither had student loans.
edited to add – we covered major expenses, like the laptop needs to be replaced, travel to and from campus for break etc.
2 Likes
Another $0 here. I pay what the college bills directly: tuition, room & board, insurance etc., everything else is on her including books, toiletries, entertainment, medical co-pays, clothing, etc. She works summers and during the school year (work study). The same was true in high school though things like shampoo were available to her as long as she used what I bought for myself.
I got $0 allowance in college (they paid some tuition, some rent), but man was I happy when my grandfather would send me $20 for no reason. It meant I could go skiing, to a concert, or just eat out (I’m old, $20 went a long way). Usually every other dime was already spoken for.
One of my kids went to a school with a generous meal plan (paid for by her athletic scholarship). She had most/all of it as ‘dining dollars’ which she could use in the cafeteria but also at the deli or pizza parlor on campus. She could also shop at the little grocery store on campus for things like toilet paper, canned goods, deli food, even take out food from the cafeteria that had a lower price than a swipe to enter the cafeteria.
I don’t give my student any spending money. But I do pay all tuition, room and board (and I pay for the largest meal plan option), all books, and any fees for different courses. I also pay his cellphone bill (but it’s just Mint pre-paid at 5GB a month), and for bus tickets to and from school (though he’ll often get a ride at this point).
He has a summer job, and also works a few hours a week at school.
Maybe every other month or so I’ll send him $20 to go get tacos or a treat, e.g. around midterms. And I’ve bought him and his girlfriend dinner a few times this year when they’ve visited each other’s schools in a casual “dinner’s on me, have a good time.”
But he’s a young adult, and pays for everything else at this point.
1 Like
S24’s school includes a personal spending line in its estimated cost to attend table. We thought that figure seemed ridiculously low and suggested that our son budget $400 per month for discretionary spending. He spent less than $400 per semester, which was in line with the school’s estimate.
You know what your daughter spends as a high school student. Once she selects a school, compare that figure to the school’s estimate for personal spending. If the school’s estimate is higher, use that figure. If it is lower, average the two figures.
1 Like
Did your son earn that money, or did you give it to him? I think the OP and others on this thread want to know what parents contributed.
We gave our kids money and things like gift cards often enough. But we expected them to have jobs after their first semester (both had earned so pending money the summer before college). But both found first term jobs their freshman year and found they were fine! DS worked selling Merch for a small ensemble for 4 hours on Saturday mornings, and DD worked at the call center at her school…one 4 hour shift a week. After that first term, both found better jobs, and had nice references when applying.
2 Likes
My son uses savings from summer jobs, gifts, and awards to cover his discretionary spending. Funding his own personal spending, buying his own textbooks, and maintaining the GPA required to keep his scholarships are his skin in the game. This works for our family. Other families make different choices.
I think school culture and family expectations play a larger role in how much spending money a student needs than the source of of the funds. At my son’s school a student living in a dorm with a full meal plan can get by with very little spending money. This is especially true for students who already have dorm supplies and seasonally appropriate clothing.
2 Likes