My daughter is applying to UF for engineering and also to Duke and Princeton and other big name and Ivy League schools. We will not qualify for financial aid according to every EFC calculator I’ve done. I keep getting advice like “you’ll know the right school when it just feels right”. We LOVED Duke but if she gets in, it would be a big stretch to pay for it although we could make it happen with loans. However, we have three other children (they are all younger and two grades apart from each other) and if they want to go to Duke, then my husband will have to work until he dies since we’d essentially have to sell stock and a business warehouse that were planned to be part of our retirement plan. She likes UF and it’s a great school but she feels somewhat indifferent about it, doesn’t love it. I don’t think she’d get merit aid as if she got into any of the big names, she would not be a top 20% student. It’s unlikely that all my kids would want to go to a big name school but I don’t want to offer her something I can’t offer all my children. I’m usually very good at making financial decisions or hard decisions but this process has made me lose touch with reality. I want all her hard work to pay off if she gets into one of those schools and I want her to go to her dream school but I really don’t want the giant financial stress that comes with it. I would love any thoughts, advice, experience regarding this.
If schools like Duke and Princeton would be full pay for you and would really cause financial stress for your family, please tell your daughter now. That way, she could take another look at UF and potentially add schools to her list that could give her merit aid (if she really wants to have more options than her state flagship). In your situation, UF does sound like a great option, especially with three younger kids to consider. Good luck.
From another mom – we set clear financial parameters around kids’ process and decisions – we are fortunate to have about 80% of the cost of typical, private school costs covered, and we were clear that we could NOT take on additional indebtedness for their education (or shed assets). So, one went to an excellent public flagship where he had everything he wanted and more, and the other applied only to safety/matches in order to get merit to close the funding gap. They are both happy, and receiving excellent educations, with tons of opportunities.
Every family has to identify what is right for them, but our kids did not apply anywhere that we didn’t already know we could afford. Your younger kids, unless they live at home and start at community college, are going to have substantial college costs as well – maybe not quite as expensive as Duke, but still substantial. Personally, I would caution against maxing out for 1, and then feeling stuck with the younger ones.
As for engineering, there are many folks here at CC who can advise about engineering programs, I’m not one of them. But it does sounds as though the “perks” of being a top 20 grad for an engineer flatten out.
I think there are multiple different paths for everyone. Multiple colleges at which any kid can do well. To me, its dangerous to have the notion of there being one right path/school. What happens if you do not get in? Or cannot afford it? Or what if once there, you learn its not the right place for you? Will you transfer or will you hold onto your dream even if its not the right place?
What did you love about Duke? How much do you really know about it? Are there other places where your daughter could be just as happy and do just as well but that wouldn’t require you to live on the streets in retirement?
We have struggled with this same issue. Unfortunately, we visited schools we could not afford early on and then had to backpedal after running the numbers. Lesson learned. Round two, we looked at schools that shared attributes with schools that she “loved” (Brown, Vassar) where she has a reasonable chance of merit scholarships that would bring us to a figure we could manage (Oberlin, Macalester) or reaches where there is at least the theoretical chance of merit aid, however slim (Wash U). And we found a public safety that is not high prestige but that she genuinely likes.
Have her make a list of the qualities that are most attractive at her “dream schools.” Then look for schools that are similar that offer merit aid for her GPA/test scores. Keep UF as a safety (a great public university) to cover her bases.
She might want to take a look at Case Western. Make sure to “show interest” if she decides to apply.
Finally, once on campus, most students come to love their college and perhaps in a more enduring way than the “love at first sight” that can happen after a positive campus visit.
If your daughter is such a good student that she could even get into Duke and Princeton, then there should be many wonderful schools which she can really like (or even love) that will provide some merit money. They may not be quite up to Princeton’s ranking, but few are, and she may love them better than UF. Maybe let her pick one of her top reaches, with the understanding that she’d have to get X amount of money from it to make it work, have UF be her safety (if in fact for engineering it would be a safety) and then find 5 or so schools where she would reasonably be expected to get some merit/scholarships. Once again, engineering is often harder to get into than other schools, so keep that in mind as well. But there are thousands of wonderful schools out there and definitely some that share whatever vibe/characteristics of Princeton/Duke she feel in love with.
I echo what others are saying - so not worth giving to one child and not the other, and definitely not worth (IMO) to dip into retirement funds to pay for a school when other great ones would be much cheaper. As the parent of a college junior, I’ve seen the stress parents feel 2 or so years in when the prices have gone up and now they have another student entering college. It ain’t pretty…
Lots of kids have to “settle”, my D included. I love a Jaguar but I settle for a Honda 
very true @NEPatsGirl - my kids too. And OP, try to avoid using the word “settle” in the first place. You are not really “settling” if you can’t afford something - it’s just called reality.
OP, what merit schools are on her radar?
Agreeing with @myjanda: if she is tippy-top caliber, there are a lot of schools between the tippy top and UF that would be delighted to provide the merit aid that will make it affordable. What about taking a step or 2 back and looking at those?
Please tell her now that Duke will be a severe financial burden on you (for retirement) and her younger siblings (for their college funding) and that it would only be realistic if she got a large merit scholarship (very rare).
Do not be like this parent who said that “money is not a factor in the decision” in the 11th-12th grade summer and allowed and encouraged the student to make a list of mostly expensive colleges:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-search-selection/1789885-best-schools-for-math-comp-sci-with-undergrad-research.html
But later did not want to pay for cost of the student’s first choice college which is similar in cost to most of the other colleges in the application list:
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1866912-need-advice-on-college-choice-etc-p1.html
The threads that @ucbalumnus were heartbreakers- and they are only examples of what happens every year. It’s hard to say no, and of course we all want our dreams (Tesla, anybody?). But you have 3 children and finite resources and a big part about the college journey is taking steps towards being adult. Talk it through. Put hard numbers on the table. And look more broadly!
The money conversation is no fun, but it needs to happen. I think we all want each of our kids to have their dream college, whatever that may be.
We are in a similar boat and this is our approach.
We have limited our list to only schools that have a chance at being affordable, even if it is a remote one. Many NPC’s will show an expected scholarship amount and there are published merit guidelines at some. I have then mapped out exactly as to how we would pay for any of these schools and for the 7 schools on S17’s list, it is a mix. One school is affordable. For the remainder, 2 could be livable assuming the NPC is correct. Those will require my student to take a self help loan, work summers and frankly, work during the school year years 2-4 and for us to take a loan. I have a cap on the total loan I am willing to consider taking on for this. Basically I am willing to “meet or match” the self help amount on my end. I’d prefer not to of course but it would be livable. I consider it the car (and payment) I never purchased for him.
There are factors that could bring all of the schools down so that all are “livable” with the above matrix (summer earnings, student working years 2-4 approx 8 hours per week, self help loan and small parent loan). Some of the factors are hitting academic targets, some are music/theater scholarship opportunities, etc. There is also a small hope that my S does have a small geographic hook for the small LAC’s on his list, as well as the fact he is a male.
We will be applying EA at 100% of his schools to ideally increase the chance of greater merit offers and we are not applying to any reach schools as they will not offer him any or enough merit.
This is not for everyone. For us, we have one in college now and although we cannot “count” her from an need/aid standpoint (stepdaughter so her mom counts her even though we pay 50%), those costs will go down/away. We also, like you, have one that is 2 years behind this current child. That one we will be able to “count”. It may or may not mean that our “need” is determined differently for years 3-4 but it is a possible savings that we are aware of (though not counting on).
Either way with the caps we have set up, I am comfortable that we can offer the same “deal” to S19 and these are not only payments we could manage but pay off rather quickly though they will be required in the short term.
We will also be digging for any and all scholarships he can apply for beyond the automatic school offered ones.
He does like his safety (financial and admission) and it is entirely possible it becomes the only reasonable choice. It is not his top choice but he would live and be happy. However we want to at least try for other opportunities that feel they better fit his needs and desires. I really wish he had more than one financial safety but do feel he understands the risks and understands at the end of the day if he wants an alternative, he will have to work for it.
We actually spent last night looking at what payments would look like for him on the self help loans if he did them, looking at an example salary and budget and what that would look like if he paid them off in 5 years or in 10.
What I am hearing is that you want to consider taking this kind of loan and financial burden on yourself, I’m not hearing your D having to work extra for this opportunity at all. Something to consider.
If it were me? I’d take Duke off the list. You don’t want to be the parent that has to tell the younger ones you used up all your money and you certainly do not want to impact your retirement plan. You child deserves to know that this is the real situation here, it may immediately become far less dreamy to her. There are hundreds of schools, many of which can “feel” right and many of which are simply unaffordable. If it’s not affordable, it’s not right and far far better to cut that out now. There are so many lovely schools where she could get merit, I’d really encourage you to expand your reach or at least get some of them into your mix as it sounds like you literally have only one affordable (and none even remotely close) option on the list. The only way to do that is to find schools where she is much higher in the application pool.
Specific to engineering, as someone who hires engineers on a regular basis…outside of that first post college interview round and getting your foot in the door/connections, it doesn’t matter an iota. Where an engineer has worked and the experience they bring to the table is what makes me hire them. Not where they went for undergrad. That tells me they are smart. It doesn’t mean they can work and take direction.
Especially if she intends to continue onto grad school, doing things as cheaply as possible now is critical.
The best advice I got years ago from a guidance counselor was that as a parent we need to set the parameters up front. That can include things like geography, price etc. Tell your children exactly what your parameters are – being honest upfront can save a lot of pain down the line. And do not take your kids to visit schools that are outside those parameters. It may be too late for this child, but that advice is worth considering when it comes time to look at schools with your other children.
That said, for most students across the country finances is a big part of the final decision for college. Talk to your D now about your financial concerns. Maybe you can still find a few schools where she may get some merit aid to bridge that gap. The fact is that there are tons of amazing colleges and universities out there where students can get a fantastic education, have a wonderful experience, and get where they want to go in life. If your D ends up at UF and goes with the right attitude, she should be fine.
Don’t allow your chidren to apply to schools you know you can’t afford. Having to sell off assets you planned to use to fund your retirement and/or working until you die are not reasonable college funding strategies.
Find colleges that are similar to those your daughter likes and have her apply there. Start with some that give guaranteed funding for her stats. There’s a thread pinned to the top of the financial aid forum to get you started.
@968Mom - A couple of things:
1 - Between UF, FSU, USF, UCF and New College, the public system in Florida can handle a wide variety of student types at very affordable rates. Be thankful the in-state system is so well managed. Parents in other states are jealous.
2 - Our situation is similar to yours. We saved enough for in-state schools for our kids, but found the in-state school to be a poor match. We told our kids early in the process kids that we would only be full pay for a grand total of five schools (HYPSM), and that if they wanted to attend an elite private, they should look for merit. This had some advantages. First, it got rid of a bunch of schools that did not offer merit (no “I didn’t get into Harvard so can I go to Brown or Amherst” arguments). Secondly, it focused the kids on a reasonable number of schools early in the process so they could visit and do the other things elite schools like to see. Hopefully that will help them maximize the merit when the time comes.
Good luck.
^ I don’t get the we’ll only pay full price for 5 schools attitude. Maybe that’s just me.
@itsgettingreal17 - One of the OP’s issues was:
By restricting the full pay offer to only the five hardest schools to get into, one can offer all your children equal opportunity without much fear that you actually be called on it. However, in the unfortunate event that all of my kids got into a HYP, I would be very, very happy to delay my retirement to cover the cost.
The interesting thing is my kids at this point have little interest in HYPSM. Most of their interest has been in the safety, match and reach merit schools they picked out.
Sounds a little like a super model hall pass. Husband can cheat on his wife as long as its with a super model. And she initiates.
I spend my days visiting the elderly for work. I am in their homes every day. There are many many who planned to just “work until they die” to pay off loans and debt. Unfortunately there was a heart attack they didn’t plan on, a bout with lymphoma that came from out of the blue or a slow onset Alzheimers with the spouse that required daily care. Do not for a MINUTE sacrifice your retirement.
Plan your retirement VERY VERY well.
Do you know how sad it is to be working because you have to in order to afford your medicine and your copays?
Do you know how sad it is to be living on your social security every month and not have $20.00 left over for gas to go see your grown kids who live 3 hrs away?
Don’t do that.
Your kids are super super lucky that you have saved enough for them to attend state schools.
Sit down with them and show them how awesomely you have saved. You cannot fund “an experience” from them. They can get out of a state school what they put into it.
Don’t feel guilty or bad about it for one minute more. I know it may sound harsh but we were in your same shoes a year or so ago. D was my special little snowflake. Dang she works hard and has amazing grades and test scores. She deserves an amazing college experience! But not to the tune of $60K per year we don’t have.
She found other experiences that were more within our grasp and she is SUPER grateful for those opportunities.