Hey everyone,
I’m back with another post this time. I’ve recently started ruminating (as I have a tendency to do when I’m stressed) again and am looking back at my past undergrad performance at BGSU. I got curious and was able to log into my old account and still view everything (that I could anyway). I clicked through some old courses and even viewed my old transcript for the heck of it. Note that BGSU doesn’t do plusses or minuses (A = 4.0, B = 3.0) and so on. It’s also worth nothing that I had no access to any records related to my disabilities until my mid 20s. I knew I was autistic for example, but I didn’t know about the ADHD or social phobia (just called social anxiety under DSM-V now).
When I went through everything, I sincerely feel like there were things I didn’t deserve that would change my whole Bachelor’s degree if someone audited any of the old courses that I took. Two examples: 1.) In college Precalculus, I got a C after I was rounded up from somewhere between a 69.6-69.9. Feels shameful almost that I took that grade and ran with it. Same goes for the next example. 2.) For an internship seminar, I was either in a rush or didn’t read the assignment requirements but I saw that I got a 5/10 on an assignment where I was supposed to turn in a cover letter but turned in a thank you letter instead. I feel like I deserved a 0 on that in hindsight and subsequently not have had an A in the course. My grade was like a 92/100 or something like that. There were 5 point extra assignments that I could’ve done if I saw that most likely and pivoted a bit but still.
I seriously feel like if someone just goes back and audits, there’s be zero amnesty in this case and those grades would change. Would mean I’d have less than a 3.0 BGSU GPA and probably only above a 3.0 overall if transfer courses are included (as most grad course are in this case). I just feel ashamed almost and that I didn’t deserve it. I’m a Ph.D student now but the only reason that I got my foot in the door was due to help from a life coach I met weekly all four years of my undergrad because I wanted to take a break from college but my parents insisted I did not and hired that life coach. Otherwise, I was totally out for housing and financial support (in my parent’s words, I’d “live in their basement” was the main concern). I also had a different coach hired who eventually helped me with my graduate applications as well and I credit them for helping me get my foot in the door at most Master’s programs (and eventually Ph.D but I credit my Master’s department faculty and me reaching out to them too) I applied to at the time.
How do I overcome my feelings of guilt and shame? Also, the fear that everything could just come from one audit in this case?
Brief aside - I’m going to be undergoing partial (not full) hospitalization stating this Wednesday.