My daughters friend from high school isn’t happy at her college and wants to transfer to d college at end of semester. Also, she is an awesome softball player and was starting pitcher for all her years school. She quit softball the first week, says she has no friends and plans on transferring after first semester to my d college. Her father and mother are divorced and is an only child so I always felt loser to her because I knew her parental support was nothing, The past few years they haven’t been as close as before, but still talked… She confides in my daughter, still. My daughter doesn’t want to communicate with her much as she will only clingy and my daughter is enjoying her new life. SO…I feel she needs someone to support her through this time and it isn’t either of her parents. I know it takes time for some kid setc… I don’t know why she quit softball. She has been playing for over 14 years. Do I get her number and talk her or let her make the same mistake after moving to my daughters collgr. If she can’t make friends at her school will moving help? I don’t think so.
IMO stay out of it. You don’t know the details of the situation and although you clearly want to help, it is not your place to step in.
The standard advice is that she should give College 1 a solid try for a year. Many students struggle when they first leave home, and it takes them a while to settle in.
However, since she dropped a favorite sport immediately after arriving it looks like more is going on than normal first year jitters. Since you seem to be in the position of an aunt or uncle, there is nothing wrong with giving her a quick “Hi how are things?” phone call, or dropping her a line. If she is willing to talk with you about her adaptation struggles, encourage her to to stop by the counseling office at her college. The people there will be able to help her sort out her thoughts.
Those are my thoughts exactly. While in high she had some really bad mental and even physical things go on. Then I was able to alert the school counselor and my daughter went with her foe support. I know what she should try first. I just didn’t know if I should interfere. Now I have to get her phone number.
If she contacts you or you see her and the subject comes up, sure, offer advice. If she doesn’t but you feel for this poor kid, then it is tougher to know want to do.
You could tell your D to pass on that you’d be happy to talk to her. If your relationship is such that it wouldn’t be unusual for you to talk to her, you could call as mentioned above and give her the opportunity to raise the issue. I’d let her volunteer what she wanted to, and if she doesn’t open up, just make some helpful comments about ways to settle in at college. I wouldn’t press her, especially if your D isn’t thrilled about the girl transferring to her school.
FWIW I have a friend whose D transferred after a semester because of a bad sport situation. The girl was talented and highly sought after, but ended up in a school where the other girls weren’t very nice to a freshman who was getting lots of playing time. She tried to make it work, but with her folks came up with a plan B when it didn’t. She is very happy now at her new school.
Can’t see how this is any of your business at all.
Stay out of it. For your to go out of your way to get her number is intrusive. She has parents. That the parents are divorced and the daughter is an only child (those are the reasons you gave) has nothing to do with her parental support. Also, the fact that she want’s to transfer to your daughter’s college doesn’t make it any more of your business.
Also, her parents might not be too happy that you inserted yourself.
My advice would be to leave it alone unless she comes to you. As far as you heard she quit softball, but in fact she may not have made the team, maybe that is why she wants to transfer. EVERYONE in college has been playing their sport forever and was the best in their town/league. Or maybe the whole feel of college athletics may not be what was expected and she is trying to figure out what she wants without softball. Being part of a team brings an instant group of friends that she no longer has, but she will need to figure out how to make new friends like the rest of the students.
Either why, I don’t think this is your concern. You also imply that you daughter is not necessarily excited about her coming to the same school, so I would let her figure things out with her family. Unless you were involved with the original school application process and selection, I don’t think you should get involved this time either. There are financial implications and costs to transferring and as others have pointed out, I would be furious if someone who wasn’t funding my child’s education starting giving them advice on what to do.
If your daughter’s friend does ask you for advice (and that is a big if), why not recommend that she speak with a former softball coach or another trusted adult such as a former guidance counselor?
That way, you stay out of the fray.
When I was a junior in college, I fell into a depression triggered by a number of things. I didn’t want to get out of the bed in the morning and I gave up doing things that were really important to me; I just kind of floated through the motions of life. For various reasons, my parents were not super supportive of me being in college and also had weird ideas about mental health, so they were not much help. What (or who) actually did help me a lot was an aunt of mine who I hadn’t actually spoken to in years (because of my mother’s estrangement from her). This was 10 years ago so I don’t remember how we reconnected, but going to her house and talking to her helped me get through that part of my life. I’m still close to this aunt.
If a concerned parent of a friend who I was close to had reached out to me just to chat and make sure I was okay, I would’ve welcomed that. Heck, I’m even thinking of my freshman year roommate’s parents - who were the sweetest people that I only met a few times freshman year and not again later. If her mom had somehow caught wind and called me up to ask me if I was okay, gosh, that would’ve been so great. But I was depressed, which by default meant I didn’t really have the mental capability to go to anyone else for help.
Another story: When I was a residential hall director in graduate school, I was on duty one weekend and got an early morning call from a senior year RA. He was kind of apologetic for even calling - but he’d seen a Facebook post from a person he knew from freshman year that made him concerned. He said that it wasn’t even anything specific about the language or wording of the post, but something just seemed off, even though he hadn’t spoken to this person in two years. (I thanked him and encouraged him to always call if he even had an inkling.) Well, long story short, we engaged with this person and found out that they needed some pretty immediate help safety-wise, and were able to engage that process. All because someone had an off feeling and decided to pick up the phone and do something about it. (Having been a hall director, I have dozens of these types of stories.)
Sure, technically it’s “not your business.” But that doesn’t mean that you can’t reach out and say hey and at least see how she’s doing - particularly because in this case you know that the young woman has a history of needing assistance. You can gauge from your conversation whether or not it’s prudent to proceed with more sensitive questions or whether you should just let it be. Even if she’s not actually depressed, she might just be unhappy, and speaking to a neutral party who’s not her parents may be helpful. Or maybe it won’t be - and you can just talk about the weather and hang up. Even if you feel unequipped to handle issues, you can refer her to the college’s counseling services or to her former softball coach. But somebody has to initiate that conversation if it needs to happen.
That’s not saying that you should tell her what to do re: transferring or give her advice that may be unrealistic given her family’s situation. It’s more just about being supportive.
Sounds like you care for her, but she isnt coming to you for advice. If you are at all close to either parent, maybe it can come up in casual conversation there. But probably best to stay out of it.
I think there would be nothing wrong or inappropriate in sending her a cheery “how are things going?” card, not letting on that you know things aren’t going well, and casually including “feel free to call me if you need anything or just to talk” and your phone number. If snail mail seems ridiculous, then just get her phone number and text her the same. She will know you’re available without it being a big uncomfortable deal.
You mentioned some mental issues. Do you believe this girl could be suicidal? If so, I would feel compelled to act; I would not want to carry guilt that I suspected suicide yet did nothing if she ultimately tried to kill herself, or harm someone else even.
I would keep my daughter out of it, however. Why burden her?
A nice card or text to the girl asking if everything is okay might be a good way to suss the severity of her situation.