Short Essay, please critique. Thanks.

<p>Hey guys, this is a short essay for one of my schools. Topic is: Please choose one of the commitments that you listed in the activities section and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience(1200 character max)</p>

<p>I don't really consider myself a good writer, so anything you say, I will probably listen to. I have a habit of sometimes not addressing the topic, so that could also be a problem as well. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.</p>

<p>I couldn’t help but smile as I sprinted through the finish line on a cold October morning, caked in sweat and mud. Several miles ago, as in every meet I am in, I had wanted to give up, fall over to the side, close my eyes, and let the world pass me by. In the middle of every meet, one thought that always crosses my mind is how I would prefer to be doing anything else at this particular moment, rather than running. Yet, in this meet, as in all my meets, I pressed on. I ignored the nagging cramps in my side, the soreness of my feet, the burning in my chest. I pressed on, and as in all my meets, I felt good as I reached the end. Cross-country, to me, is not so different from the challenges in school. You face your steep, rocky hills, your smooth flat ground, your wanting to fall to the side of the road and give up, but when you get over that last hump, emerge from the woods, and hear people cheering you on, you know that the worst is over and you’re almost done. I’ve always been determined in my studies and when I reach a point where I feel I might not be able to go on, I just look at these cross-country moments, and realize that every time I finish, I always finish smiling.</p>

<p>I like it.</p>

<p>It is very good, except for the first sentence (couldn't help but smile? come on!)</p>

<p>I see. How should I go about changing the first sentence? Is there anything else that I should change for sure? I'm planning to send this out late tonight or early tomorrow morning, so all advice would be very welcome.</p>

<p>nice essay, but you use the word "meet" 5 times (gets a bit repetitious) and the expression "as in all my meets" 3 times (repetitious as well)</p>

<p>I couldn’t help but smile as I sprinted through the finish line on a cold October morning, caked in sweat and mud. Several miles ago, I had wanted to give up, fall over to the side, close my eyes, and let the world pass me by. In the middle of every meet, one thought that always crosses my mind is how I would prefer to be doing anything else at this particular moment, rather than running. Yet, in this meet, as in all my meets, I pressed on. I ignored the nagging cramps in my side, the soreness of my feet, the burning in my chest. I pressed on and, as usual, I felt good as I reached the end. Cross-country, to me, is not so different from the challenges in school. You face your steep, rocky hills, your smooth flat ground, your wanting to fall to the side of the road and give up, but when you get over that last hump, emerge from the woods, and hear people cheering you on, you know that the worst is over and you’re almost done. I’ve always been determined in my studies and when I reach a point where I feel I might not be able to go on, I just look at these cross-country moments, and realize that every time I finish, I always finish smiling.</p>

<p>Okay, got rid of some of the repititious parts. Still don't know how I should start it though, as that first sentence isn't that good. Any advice?</p>

<p>Yep, Starbury said it. You might want to substitute in "race" or "run"..just anything except "meet." However, I liked the first sentence. Sure, it sounds a little weak when you start reading it but then you get to the end and it finishes in a nice circle, smiling to smiling. So, I personally wouldn't change the smiling bit, but hey, it's up to you :)
I liked the candid tone of your short answer. Good job.</p>