Short Response - Critique/Edit (I posted it for all to assist with)

College Essays
1

<p>Any comments suggestions are appreciated, but a have a few specific questions:</p>

<p>1.) Would you consider my job an “intellectual or creative activity”?
2.) Does my second paragraph paint too negative of a picture?
3.) Any better vocabulary words appreciated.</p>

<p>PS (Unrelated Question)- For prompt that asks “Describe how a work of art, music, dance, theater, or literature has inspired you” would you guys consider it appropriate to use the Quran. I mean I’m applying in the South and there are many devout Christians and what not?</p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

<p>Heres the prompt:
Describe an intellectual or creative activity for which you feel special passion and commitment, and explain how that activity has affected you.</p>

<p>My Response:
Working for my dad over the past three years has been both an intellectually and creatively stimulating experience. It has impacted me in two distinct yet equally profound ways. First and foremost, working for my dad has instilled in me a love for mathematics, especially statistics and probability. Working with statistical data such as markup percentage, or analyzing sales figures from certain time periods to uncover patterns gave me a firsthand view of multiple mathematical properties being applied in a real-life situation. It was not long before I began analyzing data (both related and unrelated to work) in my spare time solely for the enjoyment of it. Furthermore, it is this early exposure to general mathematics that is most heavily weighted in my decision to major in mathematics.</p>

<p>Growing up I was an intelligent yet shy and timid child; however, working for my dad and conversing with costumers of varied backgrounds helped me elevate my people skills tremendously. It was not long after I started working that I began to notice my interactions with my customers led me to be more candid and receptive to people. This new found ability also carried over to non-work related activities such as school as well. I noticed I was more likely to volunteer to go first to present a project or voice my opinion at crucial moments. In essence, not only has working with my dad instilled in me a love of mathematics, it has also helped me overcome my natural shyness.</p>

2

<p>1) I’m not quite sure what your job is, just from these paragraphs, so I have no idea</p>

<p>2) I don’t think it’s negative, but I would definitely try to relate it back to the prompt more clearly. I had to go back and look at the prompt again to figure out how it related.</p>

<p>3) Describing yourself as an intelligent child seems presumptuous to me. Perhaps inquisitive or something that shows you sought knowledge, rather than already had it would be better. Also, I don’t think your father worked with “costumers” as you state in paragraph 2, line 1, though I could be wring about this!</p>

<p>PS) Sure, there are many devout Christians in the south, but trust me, the people in the universities are quite liberal, as with universities almost all over the US. If you want to use the Quran, I say go for it! Especially since so many colleges want a diverse student body and all that jazz…</p>

<p>Otherwise, I would advise tightening your language. You don’t need 2 opening sentences in the first paragraph. Remember show, don’t tell? Especially since this is a short response, you want to make every sentence count, so look over your sentences and make sure every single sentence relates back to you main point/answer in a meaningful way. If it doesn’t, then either cut it or change it. Finally, have a concluding sentence (like this), something to leave the reader with, something to remember you by.</p>

3

<p>Thanks, I will edit this during lunch. I’ll probably keep in mind all you suggestions.</p>