<p>Freshman D needs to finalize roommate decision for soph yr in two days. D just found out that the one she happily chose for a RM next yr (gets along well w/ her) has just got a lot more close to her BF, including frequent trysts in her room, thus sexiling the current roommate. D does not do this kind of thing and is not comfortable with being sexiled. </p>
<p>Wondering what people thought on whether D should say now - no sexiling nxt yr, or just let it go?</p>
<p>It is possible that D might find it awkward to bring this up - is she being unreasonable, overly prudish , or something? But I think that if she does not bring it up now, then it will be more difficult -and distracting - next yr. Also, if candidate roomie says she does not like the no sexile rule, and opts out being roommate, then my D has to get another roomie chosen in 48 hrs</p>
<p>Bring it up now. Encourage your D to be somewhat compromising if she can (ie “I have class on Wednesday afternoons, so the room is all yours”) but to make it clear that she’s not okay with being sexiled when she wants to be in the room. Putting it upfront might be a bit awkward, but it will save them both untold hassle, drama and hard feelings if everybody’s cards are on the table.</p>
<p>It’s part of living in one room with another person, so she’s going to have to be a little bit compromising. At the very least let the roommate know when she’s not going to be there anyway, and if the roommate gives an adequate amount of notice and keeps it at a reasonable timeframe and frequency she should be willing to occasionally vacate the room for an hour or so. She should probably try and bring it up if it’s going to be a big deal but expecting the roommate to completely give in and never have her boyfriend over WILL turn into the roommate thinking she’s asleep and having the boyfriend over anyway.</p>
<p>it depends on how much she wants to be roommates with the potential roommate and what her boundaries are-- it makes sense to be up front about it, but situations that you can’t forsee can come up- ie she could find a new roommate who gets a bf in the middle of the year. If the roommate is thoughtful, actual sexiling for an entire night probably won’t happen very much, if at all, but it depends on how comfortable your D is with the bf staying over or spending time in the room.</p>
<p>Also, if her roommate has a bf, whether or not they are having sex, she shouldn’t be expecting to always be able to be in her room- it’s about sharing your space with others and working out compromises. It’s better to leave your room for an hour or two in the afternoon, then to have the roommate try to sneak the bf in while she is “asleep”</p>
<p>If your daughter is uncomfortable in these situations, I think she should choose a new roommate. Bottom line is we know the roommate is comfortable doing this and whether it’s this guy or someone else, it’s going to happen. Much easier to choose a roommate not into doing this.</p>
<p>Well, before making a drastic decision like trying to change roommates in the last 48 hours, your daughter could at least ask her prospective roommate what her boyfriend’s housing plans are. If he is living in a single or in an off-campus apartment where he has his own bedroom, or if his roommate has no objection to being sexiled (perhaps because he has a girlfriend of his own), the couple may end up conducting their personal lives at his place rather than hers, in which case your daughter doesn’t have a problem.</p>
<p>College students have such busy and different schedule, I can’t imagine your daughter would be in the room same time as her roommate that much. My daughter could go for days without seeing her roommate, except when they are sleeping. I think if your daughter were to tell her roommate that she doesn’t feel comfortable for them to have sex when she is in her room “asleep,” I am sure there’ll be plenty of opportunities for them to do it while your daughter is out of the room.</p>
<p>IMHO Chuy is exactly correct. Sharing a room (or house, or office, or work project) means finding acceptable middle ground – middle ground that may change weekly. My D shares an apt with an absolutely lovely person, but issues still come up from time to time … even when there’s been prior agreement on something.</p>
<p>I would recommend discussing it now, rather than later. D and her roommate were only casual friends from having a class together last year, but did not discuss this when they decided to room together for this year, and it did end up being a “bone of contention”. Roommate’s BF was 26 (she was only 19) and this made my D extremely uncomfortable having him as an overnight “guest”. After it happened the first time (without the roomie discussing it first), D didn’t want to confront her (despite my suggesting that she needed to bring it up before it happened again). </p>
<p>Well, it did happen again (right before finals) and it ended up in a huge fight with the BF making some comments that could be construed as threatening to my D. They left, she reported it to her RA, and to make a long story short - RM dropped out over Christmas and never returned. D ended up with a single for the rest of the year (and we were paying for a double !!)</p>
<p>It’s unfortunate that it had to happen, as they did get along really well except for this one area. I would strongly suggest that potential roommates make this a topic of discussion right from the very beginning. </p>
<p>D got so used to having her own room this semester that she decided to get a single for next year and will make up the difference in cost with her summer earnings.</p>
<p>There are many issues that it’s best for roommates to discuss early on, including this one. Having a roommate means being amenable to compromise, on both sides. Making a definitive statement that you won’t allow ‘sexiling’ probably isn’t realistic, particularly if the roommate already has a serious boyfriend. If someone feels strongly about this, then they should be requesting a single room. If she drops this possible roommate, there’s no guarantee that the next one won’t become involved in a relationship at some point next year and the issue will be back. The same could happen with the OP’s daughter. Compromise on many issues is necessary if one wants to live with a roommate.</p>
<p>Discuss it now. My D’s (assigned) frosh roommate had a BF who frequently stayed overnight. My kid did two things: First, since my D was often out of town on Friday night, due to an EC, she asked that her RM “entertain” her BF on that night so far as it was possible;second, on the hopefully rare occasions that he was there when my D was, that the RM would give her notice by X pm, so that my D could remove her toothbrush, nightgown, clothes for the next day, books etc., and not have to go into the room to retrieve them. If no notice was given by X time, he could not stay. Final rule–he could NOT stay during midterms or finals no matter WHAT.</p>
<p>They worked this all out right at the beginning of the year. Their RA had a list of “hot button” issues which she recommended the kids negotiate right at the beginning of the year. It was wise advice.</p>
<p>PLEASE have her bring this up and iron out the agreement now. I still remember the times when I was woken at 2 am with the bed bouncing across the room - no suites bitd. It caused some bad feelings because it was never discussed. If they don’t iron it out, and she will feel as uncomfortable as I did, then she should look for another roommate.</p>