Should I go see a fortune teller?

Parent Cafe
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<p>LOL I’m a wit’s end. Long ago I started a thread something like “where would you live”. Anyway, somewhere around October of last year, I narrowed my list to three cities. I already live in all three of them part time, although two more than the third. It’s getting exhausting traveling all the time, and, I’m tired of having half of my life in one place while I’m somewhere else.</p>

<p>Basically, I can live anywhere I want to - that’s probably part of the problem (too many good choices). And I don’t have to make any decision by any deadline - the only “real” deadline is that this is wearing me out, plus it’s economically stupid, and, so, I threw a dart at a calendar, and tomorrow at midnight is my line in the sand, my absolute deadline for choosing a permanent “home” city. There’s no reasoning behind this deadline, only that it seemed important to actually have a deadline, otherwise I end up in “analysis paralysis”. </p>

<p>Before and since October, I’ve studied economic and census data obsessively; I’ve examined issues like crime rates, culture, educational opportunities, social support, recreational activities - you name it, I’ve measured, examined, studied, calculated it. I’ve made endless lists, visited numerous “where to live” forums, and even interrogated residents, cab drivers, etc. in the target cities. I’ve also continued to investigate options outside the three target cities - some even outside of the U.S. I’ve spent an incredible amount of time on this, and continue to do so on a daily basis. I have a massive headache from it… </p>

<p>Because I keep changing my mind daily (and what seems to influence this is whatever piece of information I most recently read, or what kind of a day I had), somewhere around Thanksgiving, I made up my mind that what I would do is every morning when I wake up, I would write the name of the city that was top choice for me at that moment, and toss it into a jar, and then do the same thing before going to bed at night. I decided I would calculate the contents of the jar at the deadline, and see which city ends up with the most pieces of paper - and that would be the final decision, period. </p>

<p>I decided not to wait even one more day, and just now emptied the jar and counted all of my “votes” - 288 of them. </p>

<p>Can you guess that all three cities come out exactly the same. LOL. I guess maybe I can think about it for another year or so.</p>

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<p>Sounds like choosing which college to attend :)!
Do the three cities have the same kind of weather? Which kind of weather do you prefer?
I’d choose eenie meenie, miny mo over a fortune teller, myself.</p>

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<p>Since all three seem to suit you, I’d look for the practical differences, things like state income taxes, whether/how you can carry grown children on your health insurance policy, proximity to children, ease of airport access, etc. I don’t know your situation, but assume you have a child in college and the health coverage question will probably come up after graduation and before that first real job with benefits. If you already have three residences, do you have a favorite? Favorite neighbors? I can imagine all have their plusses, but they can’t all be equal, can they?</p>

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<p>LOL Marite, actually, Washington came seriously down for me when I was there January - February when it was quite cold. </p>

<p>Miami is emerging strongly as the front runner, however, this is because everyone else wants me to be here - close friends, daughter, business associates. But I want my home to be mine because <em>I</em> chose it for my own purposes, interests, etc., not because everyone else likes having me in it. I’m afraid it’s going to be Miami by default and I don’t want a “default” choice, I am looking for a “I just cannot wait to be there” type of decision and perhaps that’s completely unrealistic. </p>

<p>I have looked with great interest at other cities - everyone seems to love NYC, and even people who have moved away seem to be intent on moving back, because they miss it so much. But NYC is too big for me - it’s too overwhelming - although the people are wonderful, they’re always so nice to me. Hawaii is interesting too - but when I hear $7.00 for a loaf of bread, I’m done. San Francisco has always been very, very beautiful, but, I cannot justify the cost of home ownership. Plus I don’t know even one single person there, and have zero business interests, so, that’s out. Boston is simply way too cold. NC - nope, nope, nope. I don’t care for Texas - have only been there to fly in and out for business meetings, but, have seen Houston, El Paso, etc. - don’t like it. Atlanta - too land locked. </p>

<p>Chicago is something else - in the past few months, six different people I know have moved to Chicago, some without even jobs lined up. They just really really like the city and rave about how wonderful it is. Those that went without jobs lined up, found positions quickly and all of them are very happy. But I cannot imagine living somewhere where the winters are freezing cold and it snows a lot…but, these people swear the cold doesn’t trouble them in the least and it’s well worth it to be able to live in Chicago. </p>

<p>I’ve thought about living abroad - UAE, Paris, Rome, etc. It would be ridiculously interesting to try a whole new culture. But I think I should stay in the U.S., and maybe travel around to some of these other countries before bothering to daydream about living in any of them.</p>

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<p>Lefthand, they are all equal, in that they all have equal positives and negatives. Example, Washington gets cold, but, hurricanes are problematic. And while hurricanes are a “might happen - might not” situation, the cost and inconvenience is huge. Winters though - winters are a “definitely going to happen”, but, one can adjust, and winters are not typically devastating, at least not in the mid-Atlantic.</p>

<p>That’s been the biggest part of the problem - no matter how you calculate, assess, etc., each place has its advantages, and each its problems, and none are perfect. </p>

<p>As to health insurance, the goof lined up a job for herself for the summer and has already lined up her health insurance too. Go figure…</p>

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<p>This sounds like a situation in which your head says “Make a decision” and your heart says “No.” Or at least “Not yet.” I’m a believer in at least a little bit of fate (or maybe just in the subconscious mind) - I believe that when the time is really right for your decision, one city will come clearly to the forefront. </p>

<p>In the meantime, I suppose the only suggestion that I have is to stop the even travel. Stay in one of those cities for a significant period of time (several months) and call it “home” in your mind and in all other aspects. See how that feels. If it feels good, then stay - you have your answer. If it doesn’t, then try city #2 for the same period. Then city #3. And if none of them feel like “home”, add cities #4, 5, and 6. If you change your mindset, the answer may come.</p>

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<p>Chedva, you make a lot of sense, but that’s exactly the problem - they “all” feel perfect - when I’m in them. I’m very happy and hate to leave, regardless of which one I’m leaving for the next. </p>

<p>The one very troubling part is - the third city, where I own my home, is the least desirable from an economic opportunity and social perspective - but - it’s the most desirable from a cost of living perspective, and, it’s where I raised my child. And a LOT of sweat equity went into that home, and there are lots of happy, happy memories there. Returning permanently is the easiest thing to do. Theoretically I will rent the house - potentially eventually sell it - and that brings what you posted as “heart says no”. But then, returning there full time as a permanent residence feels rather like going home to retire and die, maudlin as that sounds. </p>

<p>Daughter told me though that she thinks I’m obsessed with the idea of owning a home vs. owning THAT particular home, and I think she might be right. The goal is to buy in the new city, but, that will take a year or two (because I’m really, really slow at looking at things and making major purchasing decisions, and because of the current conditions of the real estate market), and, renting my primary residence long term is yucky. It’s hard to go back to renting when one has owned their primary residence for so long, I think.</p>

<p>But, I do have to stop traveling so much. I’m exhausted.</p>

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<p>The “I cannot wait to be there” has to include relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc… it cannot be an “I” decision alone.
I’ve lived in many different parts of the world for long stretches of time. I’m done moving around. And one reason for not wanting to uproot is my friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc… as much as the less personal factors of ease of transport, access to cultural resources and such like.<br>
Truth to tell, I’m not that enamored of NE winters (the Boston Marathon on Monday is about to be rained out). While I am sure I could make new friends and acquaintances elsewhere, I don’t see why I should leave old ones. I’d miss them too much.</p>

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<p>Very, very good point Marite. Thanks for that.</p>

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<p>My dad lived a long life and towards the end he sat me down and said “Only one thing really matters in life: the people you love and the people that love you back.” </p>

<p>Go to Miami.</p>

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<p>Sax and Marite nail it.</p>

<p>So don’t see the fortune teller. Just pay the three of us half of what you would have paid the fortune teller and I think we can all move on.</p>

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<p>I’ll throw one more thing into the mix – you might be asking the wrong question. I don’t live in a “city” or “area.” I live in one home, I go to work at one office, my kids go to one school district, I attend one church. I shop in the same small group of stores (and on the Web), and I get my hair cut at one place. The point is that the world I’ve organized for myself and my family only touches a tiny fraction of the four million people in the Puget Sound area. The fact that certain opportunities are possible here that would be more difficult elsewhere is only a small part of my life. My personal world consists of maybe a couple of hundred people, and a few dozen places. In one sense, I don’t really live in a Seattle suburb, I live in “WashDadLand” made up of the people and place I interact with locally, on the Internet, on the phone, and through visits.</p>

<p>If truly local aspects such as weather and geography are relatively unimportant to you, why not pick the place where you can build the best LatetoschoolLand for you?</p>

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<p>OOOO…that’s only three installments of $29.99 and if you act now we will throw in 3 pink plastic lawn flamingo’s!</p>

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<p>Aw, I do feel for you. There are “reasons of the heart” below your cognitive analysis, I think. I watch these patterns as clergy spouse in a place that everyone moves away from after their kids are grown. This community is very tight and friendship circles mean a lot to people over the years, but the weather is just too rough on many people so they move. Here’s what wisdom I’ve gleaned, just sharing in case it helps you:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Moving to be near children is great at first, but disappoints if the growing young adult child relocates for her own job or personal reasons.</p></li>
<li><p>People first move as active retirees, play golf for l0 years, but then are ruled by the health care systems of the places they move to. Miami in particular suffers from this, as does (I"ve heard) Ventura Beach and some other locales. There are many geriatric specialists – which is good, but after a while you just listen to everyone else’s maons, without the multi-generation appeal of staying within your home community. It depends on you, but try to compare how you’ll feel if a longtime friend tells you about her granddaughter (and vice-versa, imagine that!!) versus someone whom you hardly know whipping out wallet pictures and telling the same story, and vice-versa.</p></li>
<li><p>You sound young enough (with all that travelling) to make a whole new set of friends and start a brand new chapter in your life, without your daughter’s circle of friends. (Suggested airport reading: Suzanne Braun Levine, “Inventing the Rest of Our Lives: Women in Second Adulthood.” )</p></li>
<li><p>Miami is big enough, and with much cultural life today. It’s not just a retirement community. Imagine your daughter very busy and I don’t think you’d be overexposed to her or overshadowed. This sounds, btw, like kids who graduate college, debating whether or not to move back near the folks. The advantage, of course, is that you’d have a caretaker (if she stayed put) in Miami. Up here in Buffalo we always deal with the adult children who worry about their parents down in the South or Southeast and can’t get to them often enough to help. Social services are stretched thin. Nothing replaces family when you get older; nobody can ever care that much. WHether money can buy “enough” help is something I’ll never know, but I’ve even seen wealthy people suffer emotionally over the fates of their parents because the caregivers come and go, etc. etc. Basically they feel guilty. So you’d be sparing your D all that in coming years…IF she chooses to stay put, which she may or may not be able to predict/anticipate. </p></li>
<li><p>Round in circles. I see your dilemma.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Your D probably knows you best of all, and her comment is so interesting: do you want to live in “a” house in home community or “that” house? I’ve had to move house-to-house, city-to-city so many times that I’ve had that “sense of place” (Jane Jacobs) beaten out of me. No attachments, even though I want to be attached to each city. Since you’ve travelled, you have confidence to go to new place, but it will never replace where you raised family for sentimental memories.</p>

<p>So maybe you’re facing the question of: am I looking backwards or forwards?
If you want to nurture the memories, reap the warm rewards of family and community bonds where you’re known, then stay put. They care about you in your home community. My 78-year-old mom lives in the NH town where they moved in their 40’s for college teaching jobs, and everybody looks in on her to keep her safe; she’s beloved. Plus my brothers are nearby, so she’s really safe. So all that trumps the fierce weather up there. </p>

<p>If you’re ready for a fresh, new adventure, however, a brand new chapter of life (looking forward…) that could be anywhere. Between the two places you’ve identified, probably Miami has that advantage because your D is already there. The 2nd new place (not Miami) would have to be astonishingly fascinating to offset what you have already in hometown or Miami.</p>

<p>Hehe, we just solved it economically. No moves for us: we repainted the entire inside of our house. As the youngest lets us watch his dust and is out the door, at least we’re excited about our splashy new colors at the old home. For us, old home means 3 years. </p>

<p>Wherever you move to, if you do, TAKE YOUR ART WITH YOU. That’s a link between homes. Oh, an my ancestors who owned NOTHING used to sweep a little dust (for good luck) from the old house into a jar and bring it to the new.
Makes you stop and think.</p>

<p>Good luck and hugs.</p>

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<p>I recommend a good psychic. Really.</p>

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<p>A good physic couldn’t hurt either…</p>

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<p>Sax, you’re so funny. A few years ago some college graduates pulled a prank - they stole pink flamingos out of a complete stranger’s yard, and they traveled all over on sort of a post-graduation cross-country tour, stopping at several tourist-type destinations along the way. Think the Grand Canyon, Arlington National Cemetary, like that. They placed the pink flamingos in various places at these tourist destinations, photographed them, and mailed the photographs back to the original owner. So like every week this poor man got an anonymous letter in the mail with a picture of his stolen flamingos in various poses at nationally recognized places, etc. One notable photograph was the plastic flamingos stuck in the ground, surrounded by REAL flamingos, at the National Zoo. When the students returned like a year later, they returned to the man his stolen flamingos. It was really funny at the time, but I think the owner thought it was all just plain weird - though he managed to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. </p>

<p>Paying3tuitions, thanks for your post, I really appreciate it. I totally agree regarding art (and we have a LOT of it), and, my daughter really really wants me to stay in Miami. She envisions this as a city she will always return “home” to, even said to me this is where she envisions shipping her grandchildren off to, and believes that even though her career will take her all over the world, this is where she would like to consider permanent home. But then she also tells me that she would be thrilled if I moved to NYC. Washington, not so much. Our original home she believes she has outgrown, as have I. But she also said she would support me if I decided to return to our original home - she has expressed that her main concern is that I am happy. Bottom line, she thinks I “fit” better in Miami than anywhere else, and so this is her strong, strong vote. My friends and business associates want me to be here too, so…</p>

<p>As for retirement, I do not believe I will ever retire. I like what I do too much, and, cannot imagine being disengaged from business. And, I’m a “fresh, new adventure” type of person - expect to travel a LOT internationally in the coming years, and Miami is a great place to hop on planes and head out. </p>

<p>I will definitely buy the book - thanks for the recommendation. Excellent point, too, about looking forward - there’s definitely a LOT of forward momentum to be accomplished in the coming years.</p>

<p>Washdad, we live too differently, I guess - not because of any rational plan, it just sort of evolved this way. I have an office, but haven’t set foot in it in months. Communicate with my staff staff via telephone and email. We do see each other though - events, meetings, dinners, etc., and we use webcams a lot. Sometimes I start my workday at 3:00 a.m. or so depending on what I need to do. Grocery stores - go to different places all the time. I decided to stop cutting my hair, but, when I did get my hair cut, went to a different, new place every time, mostly because of scheduling and convenience, but also because one cannot really ruin long straight hair so it doesn’t matter what anyone does to it. Anyway, the city is very, very important to me, because there are so many things I want to do, see, explore, etc., and everyone thinks it will be some time before I can manage to exhaust all of Miami. </p>

<p>Church is an interesting puzzle - in our home city, we have been a member of the same parish for 15 years. Every where else, we try out a new church every other week it seems, and we don’t limit ourselves to those that are catholic. We haven’t yet found “the one”, although that’s because we’re too busy trying out the entire menu, I guess… </p>

<p>Anyway, I said my deadline was midnight Sunday, so, I’m going to stick to that deadline and execute on whatever decision I make. Please tell me where to mail the check lol :)</p>

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<p>Late, Since we have been privy to some of your recent dating trials and tribulations :wink: :</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17571771/page/2/[/url]”>http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17571771/page/2/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I wasn’t joking about the psychic–may be just what you need to shake things up–only a good one, though.</p>

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<p>Bethievt, I actually WAS joking about the fortune teller/psychic - I would never spend my money that way, plus I am convinced we create our own fortunes. Once, like ten years ago, a group of us did go see a psychic. She came recommended by another one of our friends, and it was an interesting experience. This person did readings out of her very normal, conservative suburban home, and she looked rather like a school teacher or librarian - not at all what you would think a psychic would look like, etc. She did our readings, took about an hour each, and tape recorded the sessions, and gave us tapes to take home, to listen to at will. At the time, we were all overwhelmingly impressed, blown away actually. We said things to each other like “can you believe how accurate she was” and “how could she possibly have known” and “amazing” and “wow, she really hit the nail on the head” and so on. But months later, sanity restored, we each came to realize that her comments were exactly broad enough that they could be interpreted however we chose to “hear” them, that we sort of allowed ourselves to be convinced that she really did have some unusual gift when in fact all she did was play up scenarios that could be easily applied to any 20-ish or early 30-ish single female, and, at the end of the day, the experience had zero value except for perhaps some entertainment, and a lesson to not waste time, money and emotional energy like that again.</p>

<p>Roshke, thanks for that, lol, two of the three cities top that particular sort of list regardless of who puts it out. And yes I have been paying attention, but, it’s funny, Washington, which isn’t supposed to be very fertile ground for single females, I get more dates than anywhere else. They’re not my kind of prospects though - dates in Washington all seem to be in a big hurry to rush to marriage. (“Look at me!!! No, no, no, don’t consider that other guy over there, LOOK at ME! I have the house, the career, the lawn equipment, oh, and I have DOG too - you like dogs, don’t you? Oh, and here’s a picture of my dog”) - and so on, followed by email inbox full of the pictures of the dog, house, etc. My response - ick, RUN. Or alternatively, how can I get to play with the dog without having to continue dating the man? I’m more the “let’s date for five years or so and then we’ll see…there’s absolutely no hurry and millions of reasons to wait”…etc. Washington men seem to trial float theoretical marriage proposals on first dates.</p>