Should I have homeschooled?

Dizzymom · April 11, 2006, 12:04am

Feeling like I’ve failed my kid.

HS S is auditioning for a musical opportunity and as the date draws closer I have suddenly realized that many, if not most of the others auditioning are homeschoolers who have several hours a day to devote to a pursuit such as this. Reminiscent of the home schoolers who have dominated the National spelling bee in the past.

I don’t have a problem with home-schooling, by the way. If anything, I think I’m envious.

Right now, though, I’m wishing I could demand a level playing field. S has so many demands on him, with a longer school day than most and a significant chunk of time dedicated to his sport. He loves his music and has worked passionately if slowly toward this goal. The others have four to five hours a day to prepare; my S has half an hour to forty-five minutes. I don’t know how to (or whether to) explain to him that he is probably compromised because I made the choice to send him to school, AP classes and all. At the time, socialization seemed like such a great idea, but now I’m wondering…

I know, personal choice. Someone mentioned that people make choices that lead to poverty. I made a choice that led to my kid going to school and now I feel guilty. Does anyone else run up against the homeschooling edge and feel disadvantaged?

jlauer95 · April 11, 2006, 12:08am

I have a friend who has the same complaint. Her D has to practice “after school” while those she competes against have all afternoon (since homeschoolers are often done with lessons by lunch.)

tokenadult · April 11, 2006, 12:14am

Well, if he has a sport, he has something else that he is doing with his time that is valued by colleges. Apropos the “homeschooling edge” you mention, I think most parents don’t know how to exploit it. I’ve seen a press report

<a href=“http://www.technologyreview.com/TR/wtr_14166,324,p4.html[/url]”>http://www.technologyreview.com/TR/wtr_14166,324,p4.html</a>

in which MIT admissions dean Marilee Jones was quoted as saying that homeschooled applicants to that school are either “absolutely extraordinary or not even close.” If your son is pretty close to where you want him to be, I wouldn’t engage in self-doubt now.

That said, as you probably know from my many posts here, we are a homeschooling family, precisely to gain the FLEXIBILITY that allows all four of our children to have advanced educations in the subjects they are most passionate about. It hammers our budget to have so much parental time devoted to our children’s education rather than the rat race, but there is plenty of time to get back into the rat race when the children get older.

Best wishes to your son. HE should be the one to set priorities on what he wants to do to get ready for college; if his school is getting in the way of that, he should see if the school will let him readjust, or perhaps he should indeed look for a different school setting.

system · April 11, 2006, 1:23am

It sounds like school is not the only thing keeping your son from having enough practice time. If he devotes significant time to a sport, then that is a decision he made. Homeschoolers who do advanced study, such as AP and college classes, and are involved in a competitive sport, may not have much more time to practice than your son.

Everyone makes choices, whether homeschooled, public schooled, or private schooled. Those who devote hours a day to practice have given up other things that may be equally good. My son was involved in both band and tennis. Then, when he joined youth orchestra, he was forced to choose, since times of the two conflicted. He chose music over sports. He missed tennis, but he did not regret making the choice.

Because my son did not devote hours a day to practice in high school, he is behind those who did. However, now in college he is devoting that time and he is progressing rapidly. Now he is old enough to really know what he wants and really devote himself to it. Not everyone is ready to do that in high school.

Don’t beat yourself up for what you might have done. There will always be the “might have done’s.” But you have done what you felt was best, and your son will do fine, whether he makes it into this particular musical opportunity or not. There are lots more opportunities for him in the future.

p.s. My sons homeschooled halftime, and there was NEVER enough time to get everything done we hoped to do.

bill_smear · April 11, 2006, 10:50am

Homeschool. It worked really well for me, I got into a number of top schools and will attend Notre Dame this fall. Most homeschoolers are exceptionally bright while still having time for ECs. For example, aside from homeschooling, I went to boot camp with the Navy and studied piano for eleven years. The flexibility (it sounds cliche) is so great in comparison with any other institution.

Oh, and I’m one of the homeschoolers who “dominated” the National Spelling Bee, both in 2000 and 2001. I never came top 5 or anything, but I placed very high. Homeschooling allowed me to study for the bee while still maintaining my normal high-school prep courseload.

There are too many advantages to homeschooling to turn the opportunity down.

ellemenope · April 11, 2006, 1:04pm

This is also what I’ve seen in the homeschoolers in my circle. Unfortunately, most have been in the “not even close” category.

mstee · April 11, 2006, 1:31pm

Dizzymom–Most serious muscians do have to find a min. of 90 min. a day to practice, somewhere, somehow. Choices have to be made. But, I don’t know what the opportunity is that your son is pursuing. If he has been working on one piece for a long enough time, he may do well. Just go for it, see what happens. Is he taking music classes in school?-- that would also be time spent on music that is in addition to his individual practicing, so maybe your 30-45 min./day estimate isn’t including all of his musical activities, maybe he is not as handicapped as you think? At any rate, good luck!

It sounds like he has enjoyed and benefitted from all of his activities, that he has wanted to pursue more than just music up to now. Would he really have wanted to give all that up for this one opportunity? Don’t beat yourself up.

I know what you mean about envying homeschooling, though. In our case, the homeschoolers seem more able to participate in theatre (something my girls love). They can be in things that are more difficult for regular school kids (that have to be in school at 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning) to be involved in–the late nights aren’t as big of a factor to consider, since their schedules are more flexible.

logosprincipal · April 11, 2006, 1:34pm

I don’t know whether homeschooling is for you or not, Dizzymom, but I do find it funny that that when homeschoolers do well in something the immediate response is that we have all day to devote to it. When our MathCounts team did well, it was said to be because we spent all of our time doing math. When our kids did well in the geography and spelling bees it was because we spent all day on those subjects. Then when our Quiz Bowl team did well in competitions that cover a multitude of academic and other subjects, it was because our kids had time to read all of the time! Funny thing was that it was many of the same kids who excelled in each of these areas.

Yes, there are people who chose to homeschool so that their children have time to devote to a particular passion and it does take less time with homeschooling to cover the same amount of material that would take longer to cover in a traditional school.

weenie · April 11, 2006, 1:58pm

Dizzymom:

Don’t beat yourself up! You know in your heart that there is more to a kid (or an adult!) than accolades and first place prizes.

We should probably all concentrate a little more on raising kids in happy families (with happy moms and dads); who have strong values and ethics; and who have fun with their familes too!

It’s not HOW you get there (regular school or homeschool) but just that you get there together.

PS I know lots of kids from regular schools who get into the top music conservatories too.

heartcross · April 11, 2006, 2:05pm

Choices, it’s all about choices. Even those students that are hsed do not have the unlimited time you think they do. My two older girls had more time perhaps for their music, but they were also juggling numerous college classes, sports, volunteer work, and several jobs each. They DID have the time to devote to the things they loved because they were not wasting time in the system–passing periods, unruly students, lame assemblies, etc. Instead of crying unfair, take responsibility for the choices your family has made.

logosprincipal · April 11, 2006, 2:45pm

Great post, weenie!

Chedva · April 11, 2006, 3:17pm

My d is a dancer who is not homeschooled. She recently said to me, “I know I haven’t been able to dance as much as I might have, but thank you for NOT home schooling me. I like being in school, even when it’s lame or tough.”

(Now in fairness, I’ll point out that she has decided not to be a professional dancer, but it is her passion.)

So maybe your S has something to say about this guilt trip, too?

timely · April 11, 2006, 4:46pm

Some high school aged homeschoolers finish their schooling by noon, but they aren’t the ones who are competing at the top levels. If a homeschooler hopes to be admitted to a selective school, s/he will need to have at least as impressive credentials as the public schooled kid, if not more so.

That can mean: AP classes by distance learning or self-taught, community college courses, extra-curricular activities that are not available down the hall, but rather are a 45 minute drive each way, and sub-par sports teams, choirs, and orchestras (if they are available at all) when you live in a state that doesn’t allow homeschoolers to participate in public school programs.

Nevertheless, as heartcross said, homeschooling is more efficient due to not having all the school associated time wasters.

So, even though the homeschooled musicians your son is competing against may have had some advantages in practice time, it probably isn’t as much as you might think.

dmd77 · April 11, 2006, 5:00pm

We all have twenty-twenty hindsight. You’re not going to help your kid if you’re busy looking behind you–you need to navigate what’s ahead of you instead.

You did what you thought was best at the time–we all did!

timely · April 11, 2006, 5:11pm

I am on the graduation committee for a homeschool graduation ceremony in which 100 graduates will participate. I have gone through many application essays for the ceremony and am struck by what a fine group of young people they are. While it’s true that few of them will be attending selective universities, there are National Merit Scholars and many community college honor students among them. Choosing the awards for exemplary musical performance accomplishment and exemplary vocal performance accomplishment will be extremely difficult because of the number of kids who have quite impressive achievements.

At last year’s graduation, they calculated that the 100 students had been collectively awarded over $1 million in scholarships. Three of the 100 students received appointments to the Air Force Academy.

Gratefulness and honor to their parents is a recurring theme in the essays I have been reading, as is a joy in serving in their communities, their churches, and their homes.

It is true that some homeschooling families do not value academics as much as others, which is also true in public schooling families. But that doesn’t mean they are not raising up bright, good-hearted, valuable members of society.

Katharos · April 11, 2006, 5:30pm

I am a homeschooled senior.

Like Chedva’s daughter, my passion was dance. I, though, wanted to become a professional dancer. For many years, I commuted to one of the best dance schools in the country so I could take 15+ classes/week. Homeschooling allowed me to do this, though I did sacrifice academics to do so. At the time, my plan was to attend college after my career in dance had ended. My parents let me follow my dream and did not dissuade me in any way, although they are intellectuals themselves, earned prestigious degrees, and live on a great university campus.

One morning, though, I woke up and realized that dance was not for me. I sprained my ankle during a performance, which kept me off the dance floor for about nine months. During that time, I busied myself with music (piano, violin, and clarinet), which were my rising passions, and academics.

Dance, except for the informal swing dancing with a friend of mine twice/week, is now out of my life. Piano and clarinet are still with me, and, although I spend time practicing, my love for academics has blossomed. My drive that I used to have to become a professional dancer has ended, but my drive now is to become a well-educated human being.

I credit homeschooling for allowing me to follow my passion and allowing myself to make the final decision in terms of what I would like to do with my life. If I had attended “regular” school during my high school years, I very well might not have gotten into ballet - but I also would not have learned to love academics as much as I do now.

Homeschooling has let me set my priorities in line. I will be attending the University of Chicago in the fall, and I don’t believe I would have gotten as far as I have if it was not for homeschooling.

peggy · April 11, 2006, 6:19pm

Dizzymom – I also have a daughter in the musical field – Musical Theater and Dance. And I also have a lot of regrets regarding her high school years. If I had to do it again, I would have suggested less dance classes and more community theater. I would have talked to the voice teacher about less Italian Classics and more Belting. And I would have pushed her harder to research colleges more before we chose where she was going to audition.

But, I also know that she is happy where she is at. It may not be a top-tier school, but she says she is learning a lot. And SHE doesn’t have regrets.

The other thing I have learned is there is nothing I can do about it. What’s done is done. Worrying about it and feeling guilty doesn’t accomplish anything. Which doesnt mean I don’t think about it and feel a bit guilty about it. It just means it doesnt change anything.

Instead, now I get to worry about the next kid – Engineering!

Dizzymom · April 11, 2006, 11:50pm

I don’t know what S is thinking about in terms of a major. His music teacher would say he has the talent, but has not been able to devote the time. Since his instrument is piano, his options are extremely limited since he’s not on that “fast track”.

He loves it, though, and while it will never be heard at his audition, improvisation is his real forte (no pun intended). He has a real soul sense of music, not just playing the notes. But he was a very social and athletic kid early on and devoting himself to one pursuit early on would not have worked for him. He had a passion for gymnastics as a very young child but even that did not hold up against his social interests. He’s always been self-directed, so it hasn’t been a big question mark as to how to proceed with him.

Regardless of the time crunch homeschoolers may feel, there still must be more flexibility than what we experience. We have relatives who home-school very bright children and they somehow manage their studies along with extremely advanced musical studies and cross-country athletic competitions. They accommodate the studies to their other commitments. As far as I can tell, the only thing sacrificed is what is generally considered a “normal” teen social life, which is not a high value for them. They honor the family bond before any other.

Of course, when they all visited, we looked bad by comparison, since my S’s are not currently honoring the family bond above all others. I would have given anything for those kids’ schedule, bond or no bond. S and I were driving in the dark at 5 a.m. this morning for one practice today and skipping another one for rehearsal after school. He’s always robbing Peter to pay Paul, as they say, and it gets old.

I say he has no chance for the audition. But I can’t tell him that. Is it right to send your own child into the lion’s den like this?

tokenadult · April 12, 2006, 12:43am

About your immediate question, I would say to let him go into the audition with your encouragement and no prediction of a bad result. My son too loves to spend time with other kids (he sees our neighbors for more than an hour a day, day after day after day) and can’t devote sufficient time to all that he likes to do. Just let this experience go by with only positive emotions from your side, and then see what your son thinks about resetting his priorities. Probably the most valuable life lesson most boys with caring parents can learn is how to care for themselves and make their own decisions.

Does he like jazz? My wife is a pianist, classically trained, and is beginning a long-term study of jazz.

system · April 12, 2006, 1:11am

If he wants to audition, of course you should let him audition. There is certainly no harm in trying.

And realize that your son makes the choices about what his life will be; it is not your responsibility. You don’t have to feel guilty if he doesn’t become a professional pianist; perhaps that isn’t what he is meant to be. Perhaps it is not what he wants to be. If he were truly dedicated to the piano above all, he would make the time to practice, even if it meant giving up sports and social activities. I can vouch for that with my son. My son was NOT ready to give up all that in high school. Now, in college, he is, because he has realized that music is, indeed, his passion and what he most loves to do. That was something he had to realize; I could not choose it for him.

And the same goes for your son; he will make the choices he needs to make when the time is right for him. Perhaps you think he should be a musician, but he has to find his purpose within himself, and homeschooling or public schooling is really not the issue here at all.

Should I have homeschooled?

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