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<p>Very good point. I retract that part of my post.</p>
<p>Eyemamom, that was a problem we had with MIL. She LOVES attention and being helped and will be as helpless as she can be to get someone to help her. I left her at a church event one day, and got a call that she should not be left alone. She has gone to the Ladies’ Room so many times there on her own, but as she was wheeling herself there (she can walk but for things like that a wheelchair is preferable and safer than the walker), someone accompanied her, and she milked that person for every bit of help. which prompted the phone call. to me. </p>
<p>It’s a big problem we have with her that people who offer to help, then decide she needs that help when she does not as a matter of course. Her SIL is one of the worst offenders. She falls over herself offering to help in every possible way, and then complains about all the work it is to have the woman there . Her son called me and said that his mother could not be expected to wait on my MIL the way she does when we visit. We had to practically peel her off of her with all of the “help” she wanted to give, and MIL laps up that attention. </p>
<p>So, also be aware that the story you may be getting from the uncle may not be 100% true. My MIL loves for those to pity her and say she needs more help and attention. </p>
<p>Really, call up your cousins and say you want to visit and see if you can’t have a get together. Keep your mouth shut but watch the interactions.</p>
<p>If you believe the uncle needs help or can no longer care for himself than call the proper agency. Whether you contact your cousins is up to you, but I’d stay out of it.</p>
<p>My own mother is very much like eyemamom’s mother. Except that my mother behaves one way toward her family and another with her friends. There are often really good reasons why older folks are alone in their golden years.</p>
<p>It is very kind of you to continue a relationship with your uncle. Leave it at that. He knows how to contact his children. Your cousins know how to contact their father. It is not up to you to decide when, if, how, or to facilitate this happening in any way, especially given the fact that you have no earthly idea why they are estranged in the first place. Ask and you’ll never get and honest answer from any of them. It’s bothering you, but the relationship doesn’t include you. If anyone in the relationship is bothered enough by the lack of contact they will do something about it.</p>
<p>Several years into my marriage my SIL decided it was a good idea to contact my father and explain to him his absence in my life was inexcusable. That her father, my FIL, had stepped in to fill his role. I did not know of this letter for many, many years. What I did know is a very distinct time when I could pinpoint it’s arrival. My father must have been devastated, but felt so rejected, drew away from me, his grandchildren, and his son-in-law. I had to work even harder to have a relationship with a father that had left when I was 14. Great job sis, way to go!! Thanks so much for your well intentioned intervention. Sometimes these things can backfire and hurt the very ones you think you are trying to help. Unless there is abuse it is almost always best to mind your own business.</p>
<p>I also suggest not to say anything. I’m sure my relatives thought I was an uncaring daughter in the last years of my father’s life, but he was an SOB and horrible to me when I was a a helpless child and long after. I had no store of good will whatsoever. I made it a point to visit twice a year, but no one could imagine how painful and awful even those few visits were to me.</p>
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<p>You don’t know the back story. It may be that the cousins have been jerks to their kindly old father who just wants a little human touch; it may be that what you think of as kindly old father might have been horribly abusive, said things that hurt deeply, or otherwise “deserved” his estrangement. I would leave it alone or at most ask if they wish to be informed if you visit uncle. I agree with poetgirl, there are often real reasons for estrangement.</p>