<p>Sister and I are on good terms with Uncle who is 82. He lives a couple hours away and is now alone and we visit when we can and communicate often by email/phone.</p>
<p>This issue: he does not have a close relationship with his son and dau (our cousins) who live near him. They never visit, never call for years at a time. We are talking 50 year old cousins here, and I know there are bad feelings all around. I do not know what the issues were, would never ask or get involved in that. BUT, Uncle is now a broken old man, appears to be ailing, with little to look forward to, and all I can think of is how much it would mean to him (and possibly them) to have some quality time together before it is too late. There is a step daughter in the picture who has a close relationship with Uncle (this is good) but she has her own problems, and I suspect there may be animosity between her and the cousins.</p>
<p>Should I drop a friendly note to the cousins and suggest they might consider stopping by or call their Dad because he’s ailing? I haven’t seen either of them in a number of years as we live away, grew apart, and have nothing in common (although we were always friendly).</p>
<p>You might want to send them a neutrally-worded email or letter, not suggesting anything, but just giving them the information. What they do with it is up to them. Based on what you’ve said, I wouldn’t expect them to rise to the occasion unfortunately, but you never know.</p>
<p>The only thing you can control, or should try to control, is your own involvement with him. If you feel called to do so, you may want to become a surrogate daughter of sorts, to give him that family connection. </p>
<p>Bless you for caring. Many of us are dealing with all kinds of elder issues, including extended family problems. It’s not easy.</p>
<p>Look at your thread title: “interfere” is the operative word. If I were the cousins, to receive a letter out of the blue from a disconnected family member, telling me I’m not really doing a great job as a child, would not improve matters No matter how neutrally you word it, they are bound to be defensive. And in all honesty, you admit to having no idea how this family became estranged, or why. This is not your business nor your problem to solve. It’s theirs. If you meddle, it could make it worse, not better. </p>
<p>That being said, it is lovely for you to support this man as he ages. Let that be enough. If he is meant to reconcile with his children, that will happen in time, but I would leave well enough alone.</p>
<p>What I might do, is contact them and let them know you are going to be in the area, and want to visit their father, and would love to see them too. Perhaps you can all get together in that situation.</p>
<p>A lot of times as people get older, it becomes a gray area as to whether neglect is at a point where intervention is required. It’s akin to whether or not to report someone for child neglect and any conversation even encroaching on whether or not the care or the lack thereof is something to be addressed is going to be received the same way. If your uncle is being neglected and needs intervention in the eyes of the laws and agencies there, it’s one thing. Otherwise, it’s none of your business.</p>
<p>What do you have to lose? I’m in a bit of the same boat- my uncle has ‘cut’ himself off from the rest of my family and has spoken to my dad or really any of his brother in over 15 years and my grandpa very rarely but I’ve been emailing him and he is starting to open up, particularly since he’s an engineer, which I’m studying.</p>
<p>Definitely let the cousins know about the uncles ailing health and what a visit would mean to him but do NOT make it sound like they have to go and subtley criticizing them for not speaking to him. It was their choice and by doing so for this long they must have been aware that there would be serious life changes like in health they wouldn’t know about unless told.</p>
<p>Sure, you don’t know the depth of the bad feelings, but you also don’t know how the cousins feelings could instantly change knowing the uncle could be at deaths door soon.</p>
<p>What do you have to lose? A relationship with the cousins and an ability to work with them when and if the time comes when uncle really needs help.</p>
<p>My DH terribly neglected his mother for years. He had very little to do with her. And anyone with any suggestions about the situation was cut off immediately and my MIL got the brunt of it if he suspected even the least that she contributed to the interference from outsiders. The situation was complicated, more so than those not directly involved could understand. It wasn’t until it was very clear that she was at the brink of social services intervening that I finally was able to take things in hand. He still hates doing anything with his mother. And anyone from the outside with any suggestions is going ot be shut off. </p>
<p>My dear friend was asked to stop calling and visiting her aunt in the same situation. The cousins were not interested in outsiders, defined as anyone outside of themselves invovled in their mother’s life. When push comes to shove, and it can come to that very quickly, you will be out if you cross your cousins unless there is clear need for intervention to the point that the aurhorities can intervene, unless your uncle is truly strong enough, able and willing to stand up for you and his relationship with you. That rarely happens. My MIL would never side with anyone against her son, even if it were a black and white situation. what happens in these cases is that the “interfering” person is kicked out of the picture, old wo/man is punished for the interference, and feelings are worse than ever.</p>
<p>I would send a letter and just let them know their Dad is failing in health and that you just thought they should know. Leave the rest up to them.</p>
<p>I would not interfere. If you think the older relative needs more visitors/face time with family, then step up and be that visitor yourself. I have done this with an elderly aunt. I occasionally chat with her son (my cousin), and bite my tongue, as I think it is shameful how infrequently he sees his mom. I think his wife has an issue with the aunt, so that is why, but the aunt is now sliding into dementia (and I might add really never was an unpleasant person). But I do not know the details of it, nor do I think a request from me would improve the situation. I do always mention to him that I have seen his mom and how she is doing.</p>
<p>Except that if the kids don’t have any idea their Dad is failing, it may be too late for them without notice. I don’t think it hurts to let the kids know. What they do with that information is then up to them. I wouldn’t contact them after that though. A simple letter just saying that you know their relationship is strained but thought they might like to be aware that their Dad’s health is poor. Leave the rest up to the kids if they want to mend fences or not. Being in that situation, I was glad I knew but chose not to reestablish the relationship—but somehow still ended up paying for the funeral ;)</p>
<p>We can’t always fix everything, especially when we don’t know what caused the alienation. You don’t know if there’s a backstory. So, I agree I’d write a note saying you have been in touch, not too many details, at first- and ask if they wish to be informed on a regular basis. (And, are you certain they haven’t been in contact? I’d get that from an older relative, even when I knew, firsthand, that the others had made efforts. Eg, being there when the call or letter came in.)</p>
This seems judgmental of the S and D when you don’t know what the issues were that estranged the family in the first place. Would you “rise to the occasion” if, for example, you had been beaten or sexually abused as a child?</p>
<p>If you have no relationship with these cousins, that would be hard. What kind of people are they? Maybe you could approach it, if you do decide to make contact, as in you regret having lost contact with them over the years, would like to see them, wonder if there is anything you could do to help with anything now that the uncle is not doing very well, offer to be there to make visiting less awkward if that would help. They may not appreciate your butting in, but if you feel you need to try it, try do it as non-judgmentally as possible, and be prepared for them to say no, and let it go in that case.</p>
<p>Also, you may want to be prepared to listen to what they have to say, if you are putting them in a position where they feel they need to explain themselves. Are you ready for that? </p>
<p>And, I want to add – bless you for being there for him. I am sure you are making a difference.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with greenbutton. You say there is a step daughter? Did the uncle divorce their mother to marry her mother? As you said yourself, you really can have no definite knowledge of what went on within the family. He may have abused them or their mother. He may have just walked away from THEM when they were kids. He might be completely innocent and their mother a villain. You just don’t know. The fact that he is a broken old man now may not cut much ice with them, depending on what happened.</p>
<p>I don’t think that there is any way for you to inform them about his condition without sounding judgmental and interfering. I’d suggest that you simply maintain YOUR relationship with him. If you feel compelled to communicate something to them, I would say that you’ve been visiting their father, and would love to get together with them, too.</p>
<p>I would assume the 50 yr old children are aware that an 82 year old man might not have much time left. You have no idea what might have gone on behind closed doors in their childhood. I would leave them be. You may not have much to lose but you could trigger emotional upheaval in your cousins.</p>
<p>If you just want to “let them know,” that’s fine. But, if your goal is to get them to do something YOU think they “should” do, based on your relationship with YOUR parents, then be careful. You have no idea why the kids stay out of contact. IME, it’s usually a pretty darn good reason. Most kids love their parents and spend years trying to make it work. Estrangement is generally not based on one mild disagreement.</p>
<p>Anecdote here – I have a friend (not a close friend, so don’t know details) who was estranged from her mom, found out the mom was dying and rushed to her bedside (this was a couple of years ago). I don’t know what caused the estrangement, but I do know that at least my friend got a chance to be with her mom when she died, and it meant a great deal to both of them that she was there. She was upset that she didn’t know anything until it was pretty far along – her mom only lived a few days. But her mom didn’t want her to know she was sick. Maybe mom was afraid it wouldn’t change anything, and that would hurt too much to find out daughter might not care? I don’t know. People are complicated. I’m glad they got the chance to reconcile before she died, though.</p>
<p>Tread lightly. I had a friend of my mom, and several of her neighbors contacting me telling me they were concerned about her, did we realize what shape she was in living in a 4 story townhouse alone? I have 3 siblings in town and I talk to her twice a day, she comes and stays with me for weeks at a time several times a year, etc. She’s stubborn and refuses to do anything to help herself. Everyone else around thinks we’re being terrible. There’s more to the story than they know. But she plays up the old lady card, calls all sorts of neighbors to help her manage the place we’ve all told her to sell, and honestly it really made my one sister furious who is there many times a week, always having her over, going out with her a lot, etc. These people didn’t know what they were talking about. And my mom is not easy, she’s so demanding it can wear you out. </p>
<p>But she’ll be all sweet and helpless to the neighbors and minimize all the help she really gets from all of us. When she needs her groceries carried upstairs she’ll call a neighbor and just say her kids are so busy with their lives we don’t have time for her. Instead of just waiting til someone can get over there in the next day or two.</p>
<p>I think the cousins would be very resentful of the letter. They obviously know how old their father is and have chosen the relationship they have with him for a reason.</p>
No matter how neutrally you word it, they are bound to be defensive. And in all honesty, you admit to having no idea how this family became estranged, or why. This is not your business nor your problem to solve. It’s theirs. If you meddle, it could make it worse, not better. </p>