<p>DS has a very close friend, a rising senior, whose father recently lost his job and is looking to move out of state. Mom is deceased. Even before the job loss, her dad’s parenting style was very hands off, and he has recently started leaving her home alone for weeks at a time as he searches for employment across the country. She will often spend the night at our house rather than stay by herself. Despite her less than ideal home situation, this girl is delightful, is an excellent student, and has a part time job. She and DS are on the same track at school and get along beautifully. They are definitely 100% platonic, and act like brother and sister. She also gets along well with my younger son.</p>
<p>This girl would like to finish out her high school career with all her friends, and has made it clear to her dad that she has no intention of moving with him, which he seems fine with. She was talking about moving in with a neighbor, but my husband and I are considering offering to let her stay with us (she would have her own bedroom and bathroom).</p>
<p>Do any of you have experience with a similar situation? If so, any advice, feedback or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks!</p>
<p>If you are financially stable, and you are able to provide for her without making it a hassle for yourself, then I would suggest yes. It’s only for one school year. </p>
<p>If you do kind things, the universe will reward you.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what advice to offer since I have never been in this position. But if you could afford to take her in, I would say that good karma will be sent your way.</p>
<p>The girl would probably feel a burden to stay with you for free. Give her a good rental rate and certain living conditions. It’d be fair that way, less burdensome for you and her.</p>
<p>I think this is really only a decision you and your family can make.
We took in my best friend when we were 16. We took in my ex on and off from ~17 until after high school. There were never any issues. They contributed to food costs even though my parents never asked.
If you have the space, I don’t see anything but positive things that can come out of it. As long as you’re financially stable, I wouldn’t ask her for rent (if she has a part time job, maybe helping with groceries or something).
Good luck :). I firmly believe that good people are rewarded in the most unusual and unexpected ways- and you seem to be good people.</p>
<p>For her to have peace of mind and graduate without disruption is priceless. You are a wonderful family to consider it and since you seem in a position to do it and it doesn’t seem like it will cause undue disruption to your household I say do it. It’s great that she has the p/t job for her personal expenses. Hopefully the father will be supportive financially too.</p>
<p>A close friend took in two neighbor kids a few years ago and despite the adjustments needed with her own 2 it worked out for them and the oldest is applying for college this year. These kids were spared foster care. I really admire her for stepping up.</p>
<p>If you are able to do it I would. I would not ask for money from the young person and wouldn’t take it if she offerred. It sounds as if she has had her share of difficulties. Best Wishes!</p>
<p>That you are willing to do something so nice made me feel better about the world. </p>
<p>I would ask the friend if he would be interested in sitting down and talking about it, so it feels like everyone has buy-in. In a perfect world, Dad would be there too. You will need some sort of legal power for ER visits, school forms, etc… until he is 18. I would also want to know about college searching …will Dad reappear for that? How do you get along with him? All sorts of stuff to think about, but yes, I would do it. Again, what a compassionate heart your family has.</p>
<p>I thnk if you have the space and would like to do this, it’s really wonderful. As said above, you will need to think out the legal side of things for ER etc. Also, if her father moves away, assuming this is a public school, you would need to be sure she can still attend in your state. And as said above, hopefully you’ll be able to keep good communication with the dad, though he does sound awfully detached.</p>
<p>Best wishes to you all as you move forward!</p>
<p>I have a friend who did something similar. We had a mutual friend that passed away from a brain tumor, and she left 3 kids when she passed away. Her husband luckily was a great dad, but he remarried, and he got transferred to another state. By that time, one boy was in college, the little girl was about 10, but there was another boy just finishing his junior year of high school. My friend took him in for his senior year, so that he could finish up with his friends (she would have been an empty nester at this time, as her youngest was just leaving for college). Everything was great, and she stated she was so glad she could do this for our deceased friend (she would have been so grateful). The boy did great too, and he ended up with a full tuiton merit scholarship at a great school. If you and your family can handle the change in dynamics, it is a selfless, generous thing to do, and it could really positively impact this girl’s life. This world could use more people with compassion like you.</p>
<p>I would have a discussion with dad about the arrangement and see how you could be her guardian while she stays with you. Find out what kind of health insurance she has.</p>
<p>I would definitely have a friendly meeting with the girl and her father to make sure that everyone was on the same page regarding the details of house rules, health insurance, college applications and research, her personal expenses, and so forth. It is important that everyone start off with the same expectations. I would not ask her for money unless you actually need it, and it sounds as if you don’t.</p>
<p>We had a friend of my D’s stay with us through most of HS. She was a great kid and I’m glad we had the room and financial resources to do it. Do check on health insurance.</p>
<p>When my D was a junior in HS, we took in a young man that was a friend of hers. He was living in an abusive situation and literally had nowhere else to go. He lived with us for almost two years and we celebrated tremendously when he managed to graduate HS. He was NOT the best student, so it was a true achievement for him in the face of all that he had gone through. </p>
<p>It’s hard at times, but I am so glad we did it. That last summer with us, as DD was preparing to go off to college and this kid was kind of floundering—no job, did not follow through on his own (local community) college apps, etc, we had to give him an ultimatum: either he had to get in college (and could then continue living with us) or get a job and be on his own. He did neither, but did find another family to take him in. THEY had him for a couple of years after that and ended up giving him the same ultimatum. </p>
<p>It has paid off…he has been successful in starting his own business, is now a delightful and happy young man living on his own. Interestingly enough, the mom of the family he went to after ours works with me now. He surprised us both last year by showing up at church on Mother’s day. :)</p>
<p>You have a good and caring heart - follow it. What a wonderful imprint you will have on this child’s life!</p>
<p>Some wonderful advice has already been given - meet with father, check on insurance, school rules, power of attorney, any other legal necessities.</p>
<p>As long as it causes no hardship for your family, ( and it looks like it doesn’t) then go for it. You will benefit in many ways by offering such kindness.</p>
<p>I do not see why it is any different from people who take in foreign kids for a year through AFS or other similar programs. At least you know the student you will be getting.</p>
<p>This is a personal decision. I would not. I would continue to keep my home open to her as it always was, but I would not want the responsibility. I would be more inclined to take a child from some official exchange program than like this. I’ve known a number of cases like this that have gone bad, and it’s a really painful thing when it happens, not to mention legal liabilites if something truly adverse occurs. </p>
<p>Also, that the relationship is platonic means NOTHING in terms of what could happen in a blink of an eye. I know many, many kids who have dabbled in sexual relationships, have tried serious commitments with friends who were at one time “just friends”, like a sibling. And when that happens, you do have quite a situation at hand at your house. </p>
<p>If she were elsewhere, but had your support as she does now, it lessens your risks and increases your options if things go wrong. I doubt I would even consider such a thing unless it were family. Even then, I’d be apprehensive in that it requires a lot of commitment and risk.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful feedback. The girl is turning 18 before school starts, so guardianship shouldn’t be an issue, although I should make sure she will have health insurance. More questions: </p>
<ol>
<li>Should I expect her to pay for her own car insurance?<br></li>
<li>Have those of you with experience with this type of thing had any issues with the kids’ friendship being damaged due to too much togetherness? That is honestly my biggest concern.</li>
<li>Since she is used to having complete freedom to do as she pleases, can I now reasonably ask that she follow the same household rules as my son? I don’t see any major issues here other than perhaps curfew.</li>
</ol>
<p>She is definitely college bound and does have a college fund, so we will help if needed as far as applications go. She is on a trip touring schools with us right now, and over this past week it became really apparent to me just how disengaged her father is.</p>
<p>ETA: I wrote this before seeing cptofthehouse’s response, which adds more food for thought.</p>
<p>If she has her own car, yes, she should pay for her own car insurance. She might still be able to stay on her parent’s even if they move. But, no, you should not be paying for it unless you want to do this.</p>
<p>Yes, there can be an issue with the friendship. They can end for any number of reasons. And then it can be a very awkward to stressful situation there. </p>
<p>That is up to you in terms of house rules. That’s a big sticking point.</p>
<p>As for college, I think you are really taking on too much in terms of advice as the final thing will be that her parents have to pay and have the final say. Though in terms of damages, that is not so important.
If finances are at all an issue, it involves getting some private financial info in order to even come up with a list and estimates of costs for schools for her.</p>
<p>My close friend did this with a beloved niece, and there has been a lot of trouble and heartache over this. When things like this work out, it’s beautiful, but at that age, there are a lot of mental, emotional and behaviorial issues that crop up and are difficult to handle.</p>
<p>Yes. Be careful about loaning her your cars. If the insurance company finds out she is living under your roof, they can deny the claim if she is not listed on your policy.</p>
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<p>He who pays the piper calls the tune. If she is living under your roof, you get to set the rules. She can choose to live somewhere else if she doesn’t like your rules.</p>
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<p>Ha Ha. Some of my kids spent more times with their friends than at home. If they have their own rooms, not any different from siblings. Although, just like siblings, if one wants more connection, it can be grating on the other. Maybe make a rule that if their bedroom door is closed, they don’t want to be bothered (with the proviso that you are entitled to bother at will).</p>