Should I Notify Parents of Kids Who Were Drinking in My House?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Not someone else’s kids, they were adults, fully responsible for their actions. It was legal in my state. Never tried to be a cool parent.</p>

<p>I. Eight Different Exceptions to the Minimum Legal Drinking Age (MLDA) of 21
Underage consumption of alcohol is allowed… States

  1. on private, non alcohol-selling premises, with parental consent in 29 states
    Examples: private home, private office, or private property with parental presence and consent
    Alaska, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Carolina, Texas, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin, Wyoming</p>
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<p>If it is legal in your state that’s not a legal issue, but parents may not appreciate it. It is apparently NOT legal in the state where the OP resides.</p>

<p>Out of curiosity, which state allows for the legal consumption of alcohol at 18?</p>

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<p>Where is OP from? Did he/she state that or say it wasn’t legal at her state? When someone is 18, it is no longer a parent’s responsibility. I would have been PO if a parent called me about my 18 year old.</p>

<p>It is legal
2. on private, non alcohol-selling premises,
without parental consent in 6 states
Examples: private home, private office, or private property without parental consent or presence
Louisiana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Jersey, Oklahoma, South Carolina</p>

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<p>I would definitely (as you did) make it clear to my kid that it is not ok at our house and that it creates a legal liability. I would not notify other parents. They probably don’t want to know anyway. We knew parents that would routinely leave their teenage son home unsupervised on weekends, and he routinely hosted drinking parties. I think his parents wanted to preserve “deniability” by pretending they didn’t know what was going on. A different lady up the street got in big trouble for doing what she thought was the same thing. The big difference was that she was in the house while the underage drinking party was going on.</p>

<p>I am not a legal expert, but I thought it was only legal to serve your own 18 year old kid alcohol in your home. I don’t believe it is legal for nonresident nonfamily 18 year olds to consume alcohol in your home.</p>

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<p>^Interesting, I knew that it was okay for kids to drink with their parents at home in lots of states, but I didn’t realize there were a handful of states where the parents don’t have to give permission.</p>

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<p>oldfort - I tend to agree with you in most of your posts. But in this one I’m not in total agreement. You quote “with parental consent in 29 states”. In your situation you obtained parental consent for the young adults at your daughter’s 19th birthday celebration but it is clear that in this case it was NOT with parental consent of the OP (homeowner) in regards to his child or the others at his house. As such, he should notify the parents. Let them do with it what they may but he’s done his due diligence. Maybe I’ve just been reading too many posts about the Sandusky/Paterno deal. To me ignoring it on the chance that the OP might be sued in hindsight doesn’t sit right. It might not be a popular move and clearly others disagree but that’s my two cents.</p>

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<p>If I didn’t want underaged drinking at my home, I would tell my kid to not invite her friends over to drink. If she couldn’t follow my house rule then she wouldn’t be allowed to have friends over any more.</p>

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<p>Umm, so their parents were at your house??? If not, it wasn’t in there presence and you said you left it to the friends to get permission so YOU didn’t have permission to serve it.</p>

<p>Read the OP’s post…he’s concerned about legal ramifications if he tells and the parent’s report him. If it were legal he wouldn’t be concerned. I’d really have to check out those states and the legality of serving those under 21. I’m pretty sure some of the parents in GA who faced legal issues were serving 18 year olds in their home and allowing keg parties.</p>

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<p>When it came to parental consent, it was referring to the homeowner, not other parents’ consent. bamagirls - you seem to have a hard time to understand that when a kid is 18, he/she is an adult. If OP lived in one of those states, as a home owner, he/she could have given consent without other parents’ consent, and those 19+ year olds would had to make a decison on their own if they wanted to drink.</p>

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<p>Getting back to something more practical…those kids have been away in college, making decisions if they wanted to drink or not, it is not surprising that they assumed they could continue their life style at home. If parents have a strong feeling one way or another, it is best to communicate with their kids.</p>

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<p>Yes, I would call. The comment that your DD seemed to think that it was ok with you, may have been conveyed to those there at some point in time, and is something that you should make clear is not the case. You don’t know how that might be positioned to other parents. I would not focus on who was drinking and who was not, but let the parents of those there, that there was clearly underaged drinking against house rules and the your DD is grounded for facilitating and/or permitting this.</p>

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<p>Did you read the post? The OP appears to be concerned about facing legal issues if the parents find out. That information should tell you it wasn’t legal in his state. I have no problem at all realizing I shouldn’t make parenting choices for other parents or decide which laws should and shouldn’t be broken. In the OP’s case, he didn’t break the law, his daughter did. I wouldn’t rat her out to the police, but I’ve stated my opinion of what I’d do. You may feel differently, but I’d like to know if my 18 year old was visiting your home.</p>

<p>It didn’t say they were away at college in the OP’s statement. It appears he thinks they are 18 or 19 but doesn’t know for sure and says they may either be in college or about to leave for college. Since he didn’t serve it, I think he’s in the clear, but being an adult and serving it is a different story.</p>

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<p>Friends of ours were sued and have been the subject of much discussion after having served wine at a dinner for underaged kids (cleared with the parents of those there) and allowing champagne for toasting at a graduation party (again with permission). I refused permission for mine for both events and got a lot of grief for that. A few months later, there was drinking, no one really clear where and how, but a car accident ensued from kids who left her house and some people hurt, though not badly. It was a really bad situation for those parents. </p>

<p>I believe it is the business of each parent as to what s/he permits for his/her children, and with some kids you just cannot give an inch on things. I had a couple of kids like that. So did our friends, who did not recognize that was the case.</p>

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<p>As I understand it, legal issues are independent of whether parents are notified or not–notifying after the fact changes nothing legally, as these friends of daughter are adults. </p>

<p>I’m with oldfort–you do not call parents of legal adults–the issue is between you, your kid, and the other adults your kid was entertaining.</p>

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<p>@bamagirl:
[40</a> States That Allow Underage (under 21) Alcohol Consumption - Drinking Age - ProCon.org](<a href=“http://drinkingage.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=002591]40”>State-by-State MLDA Exceptions - Drinking Age - ProCon.org)
No, it tells me that OP is not sure and is not aware of his/her state law, just like you are not aware of the fact that when someone is 18 he/she is an adult and is responsible for his/her actions. It is you perogative to get your 18 year old to tell you where he is going, but it is not my responsibility in providing that information to you.</p>

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<p>If I were you, oldfort, I’d take a closer look at what constitutes parental consent in particular states before I served alcohol to anyone for whom it is not legal to serve alcohol. For me, serving alcohol to someone who is underage and is NOT my child (18 is a child in my house but is responsible for her actions too) is both a legal and moral issue. I’m not making a decision for another parent.</p>

<p>Also, it would be interesting to know what people would do in this situation if a problem had occurred which resulted in one of these underage visitors or someone else being injured or killed. Sounds like a story for “What Would You Do.” Even though according to the OP’s statement he didn’t know the alcohol was being served, his daughter allowed it to be consumed in his home. Had something happened would you tell the parents?</p>

<p>I’m fully aware of what turning 18 means and I am also aware of the legal and moral responsibility that both my child and I face.</p>

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<p>^^ Wow, do I feel stupid. Never knew that it was legal with parental consent in my state. I feel better now.</p>

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<p>I think the point here is, the OP did not assent to this and it’s pretty clear it will not happen again–the dispute owing perhaps to a communication issue between OP and kid. </p>

<p>That being said, nothing is legally or ethically changed AFTER the fact by telling the parents of ADULTS. I can’t imagine contacting my kids’ college age peers’ parents to tell them something, unless it entailed a clear and immediate danger, which this AFTER the fact information did not.</p>

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<p>Some clarification:</p>

<p>We live in CT. The law here (which was changed in 2006) forbids anyone under the age of 21 to possess liquor anywhere, except if s/he does so as part of his/her job, is accompanied by parent, guardian, or spouse over 21, or is engaged in a religious ceremony. Anyone who knowingly allows under 21s to drink in their house, or who discovers such drinking and fails to take reasonable measures to stop it, is also in violation of the law. It used to be legal in CT for an adult to host a party on private property and allow under 21s to drink, but that was changed in 2006.</p>

<p>This means we (my wife and I) did not violate CT law.</p>

<p>We discovered after the fact that the drinking had occurred (we were home, but had gone to bed about 11); we extracted the full story from our D; we made our rules 100% clear; she apologized and says she understands the rules, will not violate them again, and will tell her friends (and we will take them aside when next we see them and tell them also ourselves). She recognizes she violated our trust and needs to earn it back.</p>

<p>Of the five kids, 2 are 19 and home after the first year at college; 3 are 18, high school grads, all leaving for college in a month.</p>

<p>Nothing like this has ever happened before.</p>

<p>With respect to notifying those kids’ parents, part of my issue is: what is my goal? If my goal is to get them in trouble and possibly see the fire turned against my D, I should notify. (It’s not hard to imagine some kid might deny everything to the parents and say our D is a lying little b****.) If my goal is to see to it that my D knows the rules and there is never again underage drinking in our house, then I have accomplished that. If my goal is to see to it that none of these kids ever drink again anywhere, I am deluding myself. Do I have a duty to tell my D’s friends’ parents about illegal or improper behavior I know about? Well, my D has frequently confided in me about the sexual activity of her friends, and it never occurred to me that I should tell the parents. Sex isn’t illegal (at least not in the cases I know about), but for some parents that would be worse than a drink or two at a small party. I know that one of her friends is gay whose parents strongly disapprove of homosexuality, and again I have not said anything. Sometimes it seems to me that teens derive more benefit from a “lecture” from a non-parent. Ideally I would like to say to each of these kids, “You need to have an honest talk with your parents about drinking. It needs to come from you, not from anyone else.”</p>

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<p>I’d tell the parents. I’d explain that this happened without my knowledge or consent. I’d acknowledge that parents have widely varying approaches to teenagers’ use of alcohol, and I’d say that I was calling because if my kid had been drinking at somebody else’s house, I’d rather know than not know.</p>

<p>If the parents don’t care, they don’t have to do anything with the information. But on the other hand, if the 18- and 19-year-olds in question have to sneak around and drink behind their parents’ backs, then there is a very sense in which they aren’t really adults, no matter what year they were born. Particularly if their parents are paying their college term bills.</p>