<p>My understanding is that in my state I can allow my child to drink if <em>and only if</em> I am present and within eye view of him/her at all times. I cannot do the same for anyone else’s child.</p>
<p>I allowed D1 to have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner when she asked. I did notice that in both cases, she only drank a few sips, which, given that we buy very nice wine for those occasions, was slightly annoying. She is now 22, so it’s no longer a dilemma. If we go out for dinner or serve wine at home, we always offer her a glass. Most of the time she declines.</p>
<p>GrinNE–I concur with your reasoning entirely. The question is, what, if anything would b gained? I can’t imagine what would. It’s not a matter of “the parents don’t care”. Most parents know their kid drink in college, if they do. So I honestlydon’t see the efficacy of telling.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t notify for 19 yr olds. I might if it happened again - or at least let my child know that I would feel obligated to do so if it happened again.</p>
<p>I usually follow the maxim: If I was on the other side, how would I feel?</p>
<p>If I was the parent of one of those kids, I would want to know. Therefore, I would tell the parents. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, just make it a FYI for the parents since the kids are legally adults.</p>
<p>I was over the top about my liability. When my kids were in high school, I never allowed any large party at my house. I hosted their parties at public facility (hotel), with security guards (policemen) to check everyone’s bag before they entered, and emailed all parents about refusing entry if their kids were drunk. My kids were horrified that I would send out such email. But once they were over 18, not my job.</p>
<p>If I didn’t approve my kid having sex before marriage, would you want me to call you to let you know your 18+ year old is having sex at my house because I would want to know? Just a FYI because they are legally adults.</p>
<p>ihs76 asks a crucial question – how would I feel if I were on the other side? To be absolutely honest, I am not sure I want to know about everything my 19 year-old D does. I don’t want to know anything about her sexual practices (though I definitely would want to know if she were gay). I don’t want to know about light experimentation with alcohol or pot (but I would want to know if she were binging or drinking or smoking repeatedly and excessively). That’s why I really want to separate what I feel from my goals.</p>
<p>There’s another possibility - instead of telling the parents, the OP calls each of the kids and tells them she is not planning on telling on them this time as apparently her daughter was unaware that she’d object, but she will call if it ever happens again.</p>
<p>^You would want to know if she were gay, but wouldn’t you want to hear it from her rather from someone you barely knew? </p>
<p>All these fear about drinking and protecting your kids, wouldn’t it be better to try to teach your kids yourself rather than depending on someone else to monitor your kids?</p>
<p>I wouldnt tell. In would tell my daughter thatbif they are drinking, please spend the night and tell me they are spending the night or taking a cab.</p>
<p>When I was 18 we could drink legally, I hate the 21 year old drinking rule. It’s stupid. The penalties for drunk driving need to be much tougher.</p>
<p>So if this was my house, i would tell my daughter if you are drinking stay where you are, take a cab, watch your friends and be smart. If i got a call like the one suggested here for my 19 or 20 year old college kid I would say, thanks!!! And I would look T my daughter and go who was driving, and here are some tens for a cab next time.</p>
<p>These adults may or may not drink in college. For me it’s all about the car and being sure girls wtchnour for each other,</p>
The OP said he didn’t know the parents of the friends so I don’t see any way he could casually mention this to them as an fyi - he’d first have to call them, introduce himself, say -
“Hi, I’m Suzy’s father and I wanted to let you know your child Jennifer drank some alcohol while at my house the other night. I only found out the next day. I just wanted to let you know.”
The above sounds somewhat appropriate when the kids are 12 or 15 or 17 but not when they’re over 18. It’s also not like these are parents the OP hangs around with all the time or are next door neighbors.</p>
<p>When my ‘kid’ is 18 I hold them responsible - not a friend and not someone else’s parents. This is the distinction between a legal adult and a minor since a minor’s not mentally competent in the eyes of the law to make their own decisions but an 18 y/o is.</p>
<p>As far as some 18 y/o not behaving as an ‘adult’, well, there are plenty of examples of people in their 30s, 40s, and 50s who don’t behave responsibly or ‘adult’ as well.</p>
<p>If I knew them I think I would mention it, in an apologetic way, but I can’t see calling total strangers since the kids are over 18. I don’t think of the 18-20 year old college students as “adults” either. Come see me when you’re self-supporting and THEN I’ll treat you as an adult.</p>
<p>I don’t think the parents of the D’s friends would have any legal standing against the OP. The kids are over 18. So even if it were ilegal for them to drink, their parents wouldn’t have legal standing to do anything about it. The kids (adults) would be responsible. </p>
<p>If my 19 year old drank at someone else’s home, I (the parent) have really no legal standing at all. I may not like it, but I can’t do much about it.</p>
<p>If the drinking went on in my home, I would talk to my child, but that’s about all I could do. Ground an adult? i don’t think so.</p>
<p>The parents in this case broke no laws, as the OP has already noted. I, as much as anyone, believe “it takes a village.” The issue is the driving and only the driving, imho. So, yeah, I would find out what the driving arrangements had been from my daughter, and I would make sure there were designated drivers and I would use it as an opportunity to reinforce the importance of designated drivers and taxi cabs, and, once again, the “no questions asked and I will pick you up” policy any sane parent has in place.</p>
<p>After that, these are adults. Was this the first time your daughter has ever had a drink? or just the first time in your house? Or just the first time with other people in your house? If I were you, I wouldnt ride this one too hard. Yeah, you want your kid to respect your rules, but you also want her to be able to trust you if she gets in trouble and needs help. it’s a fine line, imho, to go out in the world and tattle on your daughter to other parents and then ask her to trust you if she ever needs to confide in you about something. I would leave it be. YMMV</p>
<p>An 18 or 19 year olds sexual activity or orientation isn’t the same as consuming alcohol. Neither is illegal or any of my business. I certainly wouldn’t advise notifying a parent about my knowledge of either of those. As far as the parent not knowing, they may or may not know. I’ve known parents who would deny their children drink, do drugs, or participate in other activities that they obviously are aware of but choose not to accept or acknowledge.</p>
<p>My punishment would be to sit with my child as she called her friends to tell them the consequences she was facing and explained that it cannot happen again in my home.</p>
<p>I’m not making a moral judgment of the OP, but it would be interesting to know…</p>
<p>What is the wife’s rationale for telling?</p>
<p>Would he want to know if his daughter were one of the 18 year olds?</p>
<p>How he knows for sure the kids were 18?</p>
<p>Not all graduating seniors are 18. Yes, I said kids but you may substitute adult if you wish. It is interesting to me that whenever an 18 year old gets into trouble the parents usually say they are just a kid who made a mistake because they didn’t know better and they don’t want them to have a record or face legal issues.</p>
<p>Would the OP have told if one of the kids or someone else had been injured?</p>
<p>Would it be uncomfortable to tell? Yes, for both the OP and the daughter. Could the other kids lie about it? Yes, and it is likely they will just as his daughter tried to hide it from him.</p>
<p>I’m not passing judgment on the OP if he didn’t know until after the fact. I’m responsible for teaching my child and I have. None of my children have any interest in drinking and we don’t have it in our house. It doesn’t bother me that others do, but I’d want to know if parents served it to my child (which the OP says isn’t the case) or if one of them was caught drinking while underage. I would thank you for calling so I could take the opportunity to discuss the situation with my child and explain again what could happen and the legal issues she could have faced so there would be no excuse to plead ignorance later.</p>
<p>OP, do what you and your wife feel is right, but consider why you are making the decision.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t. Then again, I was allowed to drink underage (I’ve been drunk once in my life… never appealed). </p>
<p>Many parents basically expect their college/almost-college students to be drinking. I don’t think anything would be gained from contacting the parents of these adults. </p>
<p>Driving is a different story. I have zero tolerance for drunk driving so I’m not sure what I would do if that was the case.</p>
<p>We keep no alcohol in our house, but both of my d’s have what I consider to be a normal adolescent curiousity about absolutely everything. So, not only would I not be surprised to hear my 18 year old had had a few drinks, I would be kind of shocked at this point to find out that she had not. I have a no questions asked and I will pick you up policy. My oldest, who is now 21 used it once, and I stuck to it. No questions asked. My 18 year old, not yet, but if so, i will stick to it.</p>
<p>The point is to keep them safe, not pretend they are puritans.</p>
<p>What about in my case - where at 18 I lived by myself in an apartment in another state fully supporting myself? Would you try to track down my parents, contact them in the other state, and tell them that I was at your house and had some alcohol? If so, to what end since there was nothing they could do about it one way or the other including legally?</p>
<p>I’m just putting perhaps a different context to it than you have in mind where despite the fact that the kid is 18/19 they’re much the same as when they were in HS and a minor - i.e. still living at home, etc. That context doesn’t apply to all 18/19 y/o.</p>
<p>That’s a good point. If you were from out of state (or local) and visiting my home at the age of 18 and were supporting yourself and living on your own I would leave it alone. I would have my child call you and let you know my feelings, the consequences she was facing, and let you know it couldn’t happen in my home again.</p>
<p>It isn’t that I would be trying to get anyone into trouble with their parents anyway. If the parents are fine with it the friends shouldn’t really care anyway. If the friends are consuming alcohol under the legal age I realize talking to the parents won’t change that because it is entirely too late for parenting. </p>
<p>My issue is with why we make the decision to tell or not to tell. Are we making the choice to avoid legal issues (which based upon the story provided wouldn’t be an issue) or to avoid an uncomfortable situation? Fortunately nothing else happened…this time anyway. What if it had?</p>
<p>I am a bit confused here, bamagirls. If your kid’s friend is self supporting then you wouldn’t call his/her parent, but how would you know that? By the time my kid went to college, I stopped getting to know their friends.</p>
<p>What do you mean by “uncomfortable situation”? Uncomfortable because if one of those local kid’s parents should find out then you would be deemed as a bad/irresponsbile parent?</p>