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<p>This is an example of how a battered women’s shelter might be able to help.
Other women have probably been in this situation before, so they will know if there’s a work-around.</p>
<p>There may some legal recourse either to convince your sister’s boss not to fire her for this or to petition for a hearing during hours that your sister can make it, etc. </p>
<p>Can’t hurt to make the call.</p>
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<p>Because my advice was also to make those calls first, as I stated to you the first time you posted. The battered women’s center was an additional resource.</p>
<p>I spent 15 years in the social services, many of them spent advocating for victims of domestic violence and stalking, so I did not make this recommendation lightly. I know what’s available out there, and how easy it is for women who rely only on the criminal justice system to slip through the cracks–exactly the way OP fears her sister may due to the job situation.</p>
<p>For you to object so strongly to a battered women’s center being consulted as an additional resource–to vehemently suggest that even investigating those resources would be “naive and dangerous”–speaks to some real hostility toward the centers themselves. The most likely sources of that kind of hostility are political or religious.</p>
<p>Read post #19 again. Traditional resources alone aren’t providing much of a safety net for OP and her family at this point. That’s why I recommended consulting a shelter. To try to fill some of the gaps.</p>
<p>Another resource frequently available from battered women’s organizations by the way, is cell phones. Not everyone being stalked can afford a cell phone and service. The shelters get phones donated to them for distribution to women in need. The phones can access only 911, but don’t have any monthly fees. Another thing that can save a life in an emergency.</p>
<p>Yes, I think making the call can hurt you. The last thing that you want to have happen is to be involved with people who have their own agenda and don’t really care about you. Of course, they’re going to say that your best interest is their best interest, but don’t buy into that.</p>
<p>Law Enforcement is the place to be as is solid legal counsel. Avoid folks with an agenda. They’ll twist and turn things to their benefit, not yours.</p>
<p>So in other words, you have a deep-seated hostility toward battered women’s organizations. You might have disclosed that to the OP earlier.</p>
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<p>They’ve been there, and they’re about to fall through the cracks. </p>
<p>Please save your agenda for political threads, not situations where real people are in danger.</p>
<p>'Tisthetruth, I don’t know very much about stalking in particular, but, my sense is that the restraining order matters little - something makes me want to say that at the end of the day, they’re probably not worth the paper they’re printed on, although likely they give law enforcement a stronger tool than they would otherwise have. </p>
<p>Of course, at the root of all of this is why a stalker was able to gain access in the first place. If I can make some suggestions, why not approach the problem in broader terms of changing or updating your family’s security protocols and practices? Every family should do this anyway, stalker in play or not, and here are a few things that maybe the group of you can sit down together and discuss:</p>
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<li> Social engineering: what sort of information do strangers get access to, and why? When you buy something at a retail store and the cashier asks for telephone number or email address, do you give it to them, or, do you decline, saying “unlisted” or “I don’t give that out”? Similarly, if someone calls your home, or your cell phone, what kind of information do you offer freely? Do you screen through caller ID? Do you freely offer “she’s not home now; she’ll be home at 6:00”? It would be better to say “I’ll have her call you” without offering any further information. And how do you respond if someone comes to the door?<br></li>
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<p>There are many more examples - the main thing to know about social engineering is that your family members do not owe anyone information, about anything. This includes the dry cleaner, the hairdresser, the clerk in the store, people who call on the phone (telemarketers and those who take surveys), people at the door, etc. It takes practice because the social instinct is to be “nice” and “helpful”. There’s excellent coverage on this in a book called “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin someone; I highly recommend it - it’s an excellent, fast read, and it also covers some case studies of stalking situations. Bottom line, just because someone asks for information does NOT mean that you have to supply it, and, do not hesitate to refuse. </p>
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<li> Physical security - I am in FAVOR of owning guns, however, this is one of those situations where I think that buying one is a very bad idea. For one thing, everyone is under too much stress to correctly orient themselves to responsible gun ownership; for another, when people are anticipating an attack or security breach of some sort is exactly when gun accidents happen, and innocent persons get hurt. I would not do this now; instead, consider mace or something less drastic that if you do aim it at the wrong person, no lasting harm is done. Consider also physical fitness and self defense- this may be one area where a victim’s shelter can assist with, or point to inexpensive, effective resources.</li>
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<p>Also, do the obvious at home, making sure entryways are secure, and, I am not sure if security systems are worthwhile or not, but, camera systems are definitely useful. VERY important: have locks installed on external access to power sources. Take extra precautions with automobiles; cars are one of the areas where people are most vulnerable, and the danger is usually going to be in the form of intentional damage to tires, etc. (leaves the target stranded in a parking position waiting for rescue, etc.). </p>
<p>When driving, be alert to the physical conditions specific to carjacking - there are several, and that’s a whole new thread, anyway, research this sort of assault so that you can know how to manage your vehicle in traffic so that you are not an easy target. </p>
<p>Last, make sure to vary routines, travel in groups, switch cars, and even vary parking habits. Inform neighbors so that they can be diligent about unusual situations (people on your property who don’t belong there; telephone calls to neighbors seeking information about your family). It’s important to note that stalkers and others with ill intent can and will appear dressed as utility workers, mail/package delivery persons, etc. </p>
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<li> Information: what are the family’s internet presences? Google everyone and see what comes up; hopefully no links to personal information - but if there is, get rid of it. Make sure incoming mail is secure; can anyone just reach in your mailbox during the day and removed the contents? If so, consider a P.O. box, or private mail service, and have everything forwarded to it. DO NOT touch mail (letters, packages) that doesn’t look right, that you’re not expecting, or even that doesn’t smell quite right. As to trash, make sure all paper trash - phone bills, credit card statements, letters, etc. are shredded. When buying things in retail stores, DO NOT give the cashiers the telephone numbers, email addresses, etc., and the other things they ask for; while at work, don’t even leave papers on desks that may give a potential miscreant (perhaps someone on the janitorial staff - but could also be a top executive) any information about how to gain personal access. Contact all three CRAs and put fraud alerts on every family member’s credit report - this will seriously slow someone down who is attempting to gain information, or commit fraud.<br></li>
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<p>These are just a few things your family can do and of course there are many more options that are specific to stalkers. But it’s important to have security-oriented behavior in place, and some of it may take some practice to change existing habits.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your family is going through this. Please, please do not let fear intimidate you or paralyze you from taking the appropriate actions. What he is doing is illegal. I agree with the poster who said to keep a record of <em>everything</em> he does and says, and be sure to include dates. If your voicemail deletes after 14 days, buy in a small tape recorder and transfer the messages there. Take photos of damage he has done to your property and date them.</p>
<p>Stalkers do <em>not</em> go away - their behavior usually escalates into more dangerous and threatening words and actions. Newspapers carry stories every day about women and their families who were seriously harmed or killed by their stalker ex-boyfriends or husbands.</p>
<p>He is mentally ill, and there is no way you can talk to him rationally or expect him to ‘understand’ that what he is doing is wrong. </p>
<p>Talk to the police, keep track of who you’ve talked to and the dates of your calls. Contact a crisis hotline to find out about other resources. You must not ignore this situation.</p>
<p>Forgive me for not reading every post. </p>
<p>We’ve been through this… including trespass, assault, threats against family members, extension of the stalking to younger elementary age siblings, shrieking gibberish phone calls day and night, sometimes dozens a day. Our stalker even threatened to ‘blow us up’ which got my ATF uncle involved in the mess. He also transferred a lot of his anger to me, which apparently is a normal progression according to the attorney and psychologist we engaged. (I’m still curious about this…perhaps one of our psychologist CC parents can explain this progression.)</p>
<p>Bottom line, an individual who is disturbed and who doesn’t meet resistance will continue to escalate his behavior. I urge you to convince your sister to get the restraining order and continue to keep logs and collect evidence. If the stalker breaks even the tiniest of laws, press charges. You can buy a recorder that hooks up to cell phones at Radio Shack. Get another cell phone for personal use, but KEEP the old phone and record the threatening messages. </p>
<p>Just keep in mind, the restraining order will not protect your sister or family and you will still need to take safety precautions. But the order is a line in the sand. Violation of the order can lead to a prosecutable offense which is the goal. In our case, we were told getting our guy into court might be one way to scare him into ceasing the behavior. For us, it took a couple of tries, but when jail time became a reality, he went away. (Or so we hope, we still look over our shoulders unfortunately.)</p>