<p>Northstarmom in 99 nails it.</p>
<p>Veryhappy, I can well afford beer, wine and a full bar for that matter, but you’ll never persuade me to serve beer at a nice event. I think it’s fine for a backyard barbecue but d</p>
<p>We went to a wedding last summer where wine and beer were “on the house” but any cocktails had to be paid for. Generally people thought it was inhospitable but different strokes. Where I come from people would keep a wedding small and affordable over having a huge one with a cash bar. There are other ways to pare down like with favors, certain types of flowers, elaborate foods, etc.</p>
<p>The one essential thing to have at a wedding reception is a place for everyone to sit! A friend of mine was convinced by her caterer that if you gave everyone a seat the party would just die. So all of the older people snapped up all of the seats at tables and made it clear that once they had them, they weren’t going to let go! 
The rest of us ended up roaming around uncomfortably, plate in hand, and eventually perched on steps and upturned flowerpots, in lieu of actually sitting on the floor! (It was in a greenhouse.)</p>
<p>Some great advice here. I knew it would be good!</p>
<p>We have decided to buy the liquor and probably just have an open bar for the event. Everyone will have a place to sit and it is a very nice venue. It has been somewhat stressful as we’ve had to make some uncomfortable guest list modifications, but funds are not unlimited.</p>
<p>What do we do with guests that don’t rsvp? Apparently our new president will not allow waterboarding any more, so that option is somewhat off the table. ;)</p>
<p>^^^ simple solution, p2n— shoot 'em ;)</p>
<p>p2n, I imagine that everyone has a certain few guests who do not bother to send the RSVP card back within the time requested. My D waited until a few days prior to the date she needed to convey the number of guests to the venue, then she (and her fiance) made a few phone calls to get the responses they needed.</p>
<p>Guest list modifications, although understandably uncomfortable, are not unusual. I think that most people understand this. We had similar limitations due to the size of the venue my D chose so it was just family, close friends of the b&g and close friends of my H and me who have known my D since she was a toddler. Everyone who was there truly meant something to the b&g, which in my opinion, is the ideal situation.</p>
<p>i feel so bad for people planning weddings today!</p>
<p>as a guest, i really don’t feel like the bride and groom owe me anything! if i attend a wedding, it’s because i want to witness a special moment. i hate feeling like a number and a dollar amount. i have heard my nieces and nephews talk about weddings and numbers and dollars–it’s too bad they have to choose guests based on dollars.</p>
<p>i think that a bride and groom should spend as little as possible on the “party” part of the wedding. people that expect dinner and drinks are not the guests that i would want. i would want guests to be there to share the moment–regardless of what was or was not served.</p>
<p>do what you can reasonable afford, and leave it at that. there are a lot of other items a young couple could use besides free liquor for their “friends” at the reception.</p>
<p>i would love to see an old fashioned country kind of reception—isn’t punch and cake enough for anyone anymore?</p>
<p>All kidding aside, p2n, has the deadline passed for the RSVP’s? How many have not responded? The wedding planners usually tell you to underestimate the number of meals you order by about 5% because (a) they always prepare a little extra/overage just in case, and (b) you’ll get some last minute cancellations or no-shows. That said, you still need to have seating arrangements done, especially if you are doing placecards for seating. </p>
<p>If the deadline hasn’t passed, you can expect some more RSVPs to dribble in. Hopefully this will happen before the postage rates increase in May, as if your postage is insufficient you may not get the rsvp’s. Perhaps a polite email to those who havent rsvp’d yet (if you have email addresses) that you are looking forward to hearing from them might help. This always happens-- some people forget, or dont know their plans, or some get lost in the mail. It’ll work out, nut it will probably require a few phonecalls.</p>
<p>I can’t believe that people don’t RSVP for weddings, it’s one of my pet peeves. I had a party in December and got 2 answers out of 40 invitations. (Sent in the mail.) In the end a number of people came who hadn’t responded. It’s going to be a long time before I’m in the mood for a party, though I want to have one for our upcoming 25th wedding anniversary.</p>
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<p>I know, mathmom, I was surprised (and annoyed!), too, but the phone calls did do the trick. </p>
<p>jym, I’ve never heard the idea to underestimate the number of meals. How would that work? We, and everyone I know who has planned a wedding in the past few years, have all had to have a final number of guests about two weeks before the event to give to the venue for the caterer. Seating charts also have to be completed around the same time. We worked with a wedding planner who was worth her weight in gold and she advised that you’d have to plan for everyone who has responded, to show up. Our RSVP cards also had the choice of menu on them so we needed a count for each meal, too.</p>
<p>We didn’t have any last minute cancellations, although we did have a couple of people show up after the ceremony and just in time for the cocktail hour then dinner. That was rude, in my opinion. Not as bad, though, as a wedding we attended for the S of a close friend. One of their guests showed up with THREE extra people who happened to be in town visiting them (and who knew no one else at the wedding, including the b&g!). It’s always amazing the nerve some people have.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you are dealing with the middle aged or the young, but the “kids” have an email response option for RSVPing. It’s on their wedding website and people who are invited like viewing it to find all the information for the wedding and some fun stuff too. They seem to be getting a lot of responses well in advance of the deadline, so maybe having an email alternative helps. Just a suggestion.</p>
<p>alwaysamom,</p>
<p>When we had our kids bar mitzvah’s, the catering person told us (two different locations, so I don’t think it was just a matter of the particular venue) that they typically prepare extra food by about 10% or so, just in case something falls on the floor or something happens. We were advised that when we give the “final” number a few weeks before the event, we should underestimate by a few, as between the overage and the no-shows, it works out. I ended up giving “real” numbers anyway, as I didn’t want to take that chance, but sure enough, in both instances we had some last minute cancels and, ad the second bar mitzvah, some people misunderstood and came to the luncheon after the service but not the evening sit down party, so there were empty seats and lots of extra food that we paid for that was not eaten 
</p>
<p>Totally agree about bringing unuinvited guests. Not cool. Once, when some of my H’s relatives were in town for a friends son’s bar mitzvah, they asked us to come meet them for coffee. When we showed up, they (my H’s relatives) tried to get us into the sit down brunch that the host family had arranged (we were not invited and didnt know these people). We were <em>mortified</em> and politely begged off, but DH’s relatives pulled the host parents over to meet us and try to set places for us. Really embarassing!!!</p>
<p>p2n - Don’t call before the RSVP date and give a bit of time after, but after that a phone call to confirm attendance is what I would do. Sometimes things really are lost or delayed in the mail, though, so don’t assume the worst. I’ve also been told to underestimate the numbers by about 5%. The reason is that once we were past the date of needing to give firm numbers we were then obligated to pay for that number of people , even if several didn’t show up at the last minute for some reason. On the other hand the venues allowed us to increase the numbers by that amount on the day itself. Of course, you have your seating plan done up ahead of time in any event. Since there are usually a few of those last minute cancellations, that’s what we did in each case and it worked out just as advertised. Your place may be different, however - check to see how they work and what they recommend.</p>
<p>D was just married last August. I agree with several things other posters have mentioned. Between the groom’s parents, D and her fiance, and my H and I, we phoned each and every person who had not RSVPed by the due date. We just explained that we needed a number for the reception and we hated to leave them out if they were planning on coming. We did this @ a week or ten days before the actual date we had to turn the number in to the country club.</p>
<p>I would have to agree with underestimating. We had 200 RSVP “yes” and about 10 (5%) were NO SHOWS! Two of these were people who had called to ask if they could bring EXTRA people and trying to be gracious, I said yes - then they didn’t come!</p>
<p>Our D and her fiance decided to have a satellite buffet set up at their reception for several reasons. The country club where their reception was held makes wonderful food - bake their own bread, make their own sushi, stuff the grape leaves themselves, etc. There just seems to be a lot more food and you don’t have to worry about having an exact number of “plated meals” with this type of set up. We had the tables of food set up throughout the large room, which allowed people to get up and mingle with others while they tried food from another table. This also allowed the bride and groom to visit with people as they crisscrossed the room. My sister said the way the food was set up made it easier for people who didn’t know each other to talk - “Oh this looks good, I wonder what it is”, “Try that, it was excellent!”, “Hi I’m XXX, Aunt of the bride”, “Oh I’m XXX friend of the groom”, etc. We also didn’t have “assigned seating”. In fact, we encouraged people to try the food from all the “stations” and to switch tables throughout the evening. This is not as formal an atmosphere, but everyone seemed to enjoy it. We had a wonderful jazz band that played upstairs, so the music was not loud, but a very enjoyable volume. We had several people tell us it was the most fun they had ever had at a reception and we didn’t even have a dance!</p>
<p>wbow:
Very well-stated and my sentiments exactly. </p>
<p>P2N:
Maybe the non-RSVPers who show will be offset by RSVPers who don’t show and you’ll be even Steven.</p>
<p>For S2’s Bar Mitzvah, he had a friend who RSVP’d “No” and then showed up anyway. That one blew me away . . .</p>
<p>I still think just a little waterboarding would be in order.</p>
<p>They’d arrive damp, but not wet. We could even use imported bottled water…</p>
<p>Would that be ok?</p>
<p>Oh the story I could tell…but the Internet is never as anonymous as it seems.</p>
<p>I did some phone calls too, after I didn’t receive rsvp, and I had allowed some extra time. I started with a friendly, chipper voice saying I was sorry they couldn’t join in our celebration. If they responded puzzled, I explained we had not received their response and naturally interpreted that as a no. I
got answers quick then, some yes and some no, but quick answers. That was especially effective if I called and got their phone recorder!</p>
<p>I think younghoss’s way of handling it right on the money:)</p>