My two young adult children have been home since Thanksgiving and plan to remain through mid-January. One is very frightened of COVID and insists that we maintain a family “bubble.” The other wants to spend time with a friend who works as a server in a large restaurant. This child struggles with depression and anxiety, which has worsened due to her social isolation. I am trying to balance everyone’s needs, without success. Thoughts?
I think that it is mostly their battle to figure out - I realize it’s in their bone but I think better results when two people work to solve the problem rather than being told (for instance by you) what they have to do.
That said my mantra has been that we can make our own decisions and but no one should be made to feel bad for being extra cautious - that anxiety is real!
Have any compromises been discussed? Hope there is lots of hand washing, mask wearing, disinfecting and distancing when necessary.
That is tough. Is there a reason for why your one child is so nervous about Covid? Are any of you high risk? We are being as careful as possible here, but both my dc are working outside the home, as am I. All jobs require mask wearing and provide opportunity to socially distance, so we are not overly concerned about exposure. We go shopping. Masks are required here. My kids are socializing carefully. We are limiting them to seeing just a few friends each. I know the parents of all these friends. They are being cautious. So far S has been to the mall twice (masks) and had lunch outside (no masks). This weekend, he is skiing with two friends. D has had her boyfriend visit and has been to her best friend’s house, where they sat around a bonfire. I am comfortable with the level of risk we are taking. We are also not seeing our mothers, who are high risk. If I had a child that was insisting on a family bubble I would probably put it on them to limit their exposure to the rest of us, unless there is a good and valid reason why. That’s just how I’d handle it. But since three of us are working outside the home, we’re already not in a bubble.
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Not sure why one child is so terrified, but I do know she is very worried about me getting sick with COVID (I am over sixty). I wish I could count on the other “socializing carefully,” but maintaining six feet apart and wearing a mask seems unlikely, and it is too cold to socialize outdoors.
I think this is a tough situation. There are many people in society at large that seem terrified of getting Covid. Yet, I just drove by a major mall and it was packed. So there’s obviously a split.
This is a bigger question and reflects what people are thinking in society. Some haven’t left their houses since March. Some don’t care one bit and won’t/don’t wear a mask unless asked.
Personally, I am more of a live and let live. If someone isn’t wearing a mask, I’ll adjust my space or not go into a store I think is too small or without enough air. My assumptions are not correct. Neither are anyone else’s. People need to figure out what is best for them.
A larger lesson might also be that you really can’t control other people. If it were my kids I would have them talk it out. I think there is likely a happy medium. Not a sealed off bubble and not someone going out to the Mall/a bar.
It’s also important to think about the aspects of socialization and how important that is to mental health.
What are the risks to each kid? Does someone have an underlying condition (diabetes, heart etc). If not, then what is the concern? Worrying about someone else can also have something to do with control. We have a family member who is a nurse and has taken on the role of telling people what they can and cannot do. So far only my SIL is listening to her ( much to the chagrin of the rest of the family). She even told everyone how they must get their flu shots etc. She’s always been extremely controlling and I think this is her way of dealing with Covid.
Could the one who wants to social with his/her friend in the restaurant do so by meeting outside for a walk ( for example). I saw two women sitting at a restaurant outside last night. It was 22. I told them they were hard core and they laughed. We went to restaurants until it fell below 35. But I still meet friends for walks. Or sometimes drive over and we talk on their steps or get a coffee and then stand outside.
I recently took the risk of meeting a friend at my house. We’ve wrapped Xmas gifts since our kids were born and we both agreed the risk/reward was worth it. I normally have 10 people but this year just that one friend. Calculated risk.
Good luck with your kids. Eventually, they’ll work it out.
The only thing I’ll add here.
Having anxiety about catching the coronavirus is something I can’t control right now. It’s there. It’s not particularly rational and I really can’t help it.
Ever since my mom thinks she got Covid despite seemingly doing everything right, wearing masks and creating a very small Covid circle, I feel that I’m going to have a panic attack all the time. You can’t tell me not to worry.
Anyways, that’s what anxiety is like. I can’t snap out of it.
I told my mil that we would not be visiting her. My husband has health problems. My mil circumvented me and whined to my husband who told her we would come there. I literally can’t think about anything else and there is a perpetual lump in my throat. Not telling this story for sympathy. It’s what it is.
That’s how the kid who is afraid of Covid is feeling.
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People have high anxiety about Covid. It is no ones business to discount that. Even in your household. What is easier to do without? Some socialization. Or someone living in fear 24/7?
Maybe If your son who socializes would agree to cut way back for a week or so your daughter would have some time to settle and get in a better place.
I’m sorry! But if you can’t count on the one who wants to socialize with friends to do so responsibly, I’m with the kid with the anxiety. No thanks.
Is there any way this social butterfly could isolate in your house? A basement with a bathroom or a bedroom area with its own bathroom?
I’m sorry but at this point, the powers to be in my state are not recommending that folks socialize indoors at all with folks who are not in their residence. They are suggesting no visitors for holidays and the like.
Does your state have any recommendations about gathering with others, and especially indoors without proper precautions?
Does the social kid realize that the “it can’t happen to me” crowd HAS gotten Covid in many areas?
I know it’s no fun not being able to see your friends and do whatever you feel like doing…but frankly, it’s the responsible thing to do this year.
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Is the one who wants to socialize willing to wear a mask at home and quarantine in their room for 2 weeks every time they see their friend? Having anxiety and depression doesn’t mean you should be allowed to put other family members at risk. I don’t think relaxing safety standards is the best way to treat anxiety and depression either. Have you looked into counseling?
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The one who wants to socialize may have to find different living arrangements for now. This is YOUR home and you have a right to expect basic adherence to current recommendations about COVID.
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The problem is that the external effects are large. Having everyone make their own decisions and suffer any consequences of any added risk works fine when the consequences of the risk are personal. But when the consequences of the risk are imposed on others (e.g. bringing home SARS-CoV-2 and infecting everyone else in the family), then it becomes a conflict of one person’s right infringing on another person’s right because of the external effects.
Basically, this is a micro-level version of the larger political fight about COVID-19-related restrictions.
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Thank you to everyone who replied. Unfortunately, the child who likes to socialize did not adhere to our agreement that, after an outing with friends, she would quarantine in her room and use a specific bathroom. She will probably move in with a friend after Christmas, which I feel very bad about, but perhaps that is the best solution for now.
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I have to take issue with this, Happytimes. This is not primarily a case of people’s feelings. Public health guidelines based on science are trying to tell us what is best for us, and many people aren’t listening. Also, while young people without underlying conditions are relatively low risk, they’re far from no risk. Some have had strokes, “long-haul” symptoms, or have died - not to mention transmitting COVID to the more vulnerable.
OP, does your daughter want to see this friend once or twice, or repeatedly? Could/would they just walk outdoors, even if it’s cold? or sit in your yard, if you have one? Good luck to you. This is a struggle for everyone.
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Pretty sure that most people are ignoring state and local government recommendations by now, except for workplace and business restrictions. It is likely that most people are doing one of the following in their personal lives:
- Continuing to be careful / paranoid about COVID-19 risk (often going beyond state and local government recommendations).
a. Doing so with good knowledge of what actually affects COVID-19 risk. Meaning avoiding and minimizing close contact and shared enclosed spaces, and wearing mask when such is difficult to avoid.
b. Doing so with poor knowledge of what actually affects COVID-19 risk. For example, thinking that they are “being careful” by scrubbing everything in sight, but still eating in indoor restaurants. - Giving up on trying to avoid COVID-19 and going back to “normal” as much as possible.
If a household has some 1a members and some 2 members, then it is an untenable situation, since then the residence becomes a shared enclosed space with COVID-19 risk being brought in by the 2 members. Either the 2 members impose their COVID-19 risk on the 1a members, or the 1a members prevent the 2 members from going back to “normal” as they want. The only possible compromise is if the residence can be divided so that 1a and 2 members are in essentially separate spaces all of the time.
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Okay, well my kids are socializing responsibly. They are either outside or wearing masks/distancing. We are in the 20s here, very cold. Lots of people have bonfires or fire pits and bundle up. That’s how badly they want to socialize. If one or both of them wouldn’t agree to the terms we outlined, it would be a different story. This is how it’s been in our state and at their schools since summer, so they are all very used to following the rules.
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I disagree. I think many people are following state and local government recommendations. Not everyone is compliant, but “most people” are not ignoring recommendations.
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Group 1a in my post above would be people who are being careful on their own, ignoring of what state and local governments say, although their practices often include and go beyond state and local government recommendations (i.e. many of them refused to eat in indoor restaurants even when state and local governments said that it was ok for them to open for indoor dining).
That state and local government recommendations change often and may be unclearly worded does not exactly help the matter. For example, there is what is called a “stay at home” order in much of California where ICUs are at or near full capacity. However, the order itself at https://www.gov.ca.gov/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/12.3.20-Stay-at-Home-Order-ICU-Scenario.pdf does not actually require staying at home (see section 2h).
Even though our state had indoor dining until recently, we choose not to dine inside or outside when that was available.
Our governor has opened bowling alleys, cinemas, casinos and bingo parlors. We don’t plan on visiting any of those either.
People have different risk tolerances. We know two families where everyone got a positive covid test…and were sick. They each knew that one person in the family was being less than careful but tried to keep their distance. Didn’t work. So 8 positive cases.
Our state is saying that transmission within households accounts for most of the community transmission.
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@ucbalumnus I totally agree. If people were following the guideline, no one would be shopping indoors at a mall during the Winter where the enclosed air isn’t circulated properly.
Or the Home Depot with the entirely filled parking lot. Or a million other places where you can see people living their lives.
As someone who leans careful, I can’t believe some of the things I have seen since March. Yet, many of these folks think they are being safe because they wear a mask. LOL. Some are quite preachy too. I just do my thing and we talk about risk with immediate family members. We’re not all on the same page every time but we talk it through.