I grew up being expected to watch my sister a lot and we spent a lot of that time resenting each other (though we are close now) because of that. D is 5 years older than S, but she was never expected to be my babysitter. I think I avoided a lot of trouble because while D always was/is very easygoing, S has always been high maintenance. Now that my kids are in their 20’s they are very close.
My son is not on the spectrum but then again, sometimes I think can he be a LITTLE bit on the spectrum?
He seems to have NO awareness of how his noise can be heard by other people. He was home from colllege for the summer last year, and his sister complained that he had a habit of playing the recorder in his room well after midnight. He will still this year come up at 1 am and take a shower - but he WHISTLES in the shower. I had to teach him explicitly how to walk up the stairs after his sister went to bed, how to shut a door without slamming it. AND - he is a hummer, especially when he is concentrating. And he needs the TV on to keep him focused if he is not creating his own source of noise. It seems that sound organizes him.
His sister (2 yrs younger) can’t stand ANY noise when working, so our solution was a desk in her room upstairs, and a desk in the basement by the TV for him.
Don’t minimize the “annoyance “ of your younger son.
My older brother likely has aspbergers, but back in the day it wasn’t a recognized thing. He was constantly following my mom around reading to her from some book, and when he was with us, his main means of interacting was trying to annoy us. He would repeat words over and over, and generally just try to irritate us. It seemed like he didn’t know how to just talk or be normal, and yeah, it was really really annoying. He also had various atoms like inflating one cheek and then softly punching it with the side of his hand to deflate it slowly, with an irritating put-put-put sound- over and over and over.
I don’t know what to tell you except that it is hard to be a younger sib of someone in the spectrum. Empathy is good, but you need to have some for S2 as much as you’d like him to have it for S1. S1 doesn’t want his pity or sympathy. And it will benefit him to learn to reduce his behaviors. I have an OCD daughter (younger) and you bet I let her know when she is twirling her hair or chewing her sleeve or stepping forward-and-back over and over. we have extinguished some behaviors entirely, although it seems a new one just pops up later. It can be done, gently, just by letting them know in advance that you will be trying to help them reduce the behavior, and then. in-critically just pointing it out and saying no. When she was little, I would gently put her hand down away from her hair and say “no twisties”. Like that. Itll take a while, but it will be worth it.
Siblings annoy each other, especially at that age, regardless as to whether or not either of them have other issues. MOST of the time it is not even intentional. But there will be times when they will want to push each other’s buttons.
As a parent who does not have support from your spouse when it comes to getting them help, it sounds like you are doing really well by getting some help for yourself. You are not failing either of your kids while you pay attention to the other’s needs. They are never too young to hear that you are just doing your best, you love them both, and you want to meet both of their needs. Tell them that it is not about resenting the other, nor should it be seen that the other is “winning” because you know that neither of them are “mean” kids.
Is the younger sib wishing for a “normal” brother in front of his older brother? If so, I would let him know that that’s just mean behavior and is unacceptable. It is of course okay to be frustrated about things that are not in our control, because life doesn’t always give everyone what they think is a fair deal.
Perhaps something both kids would benefit from is them both helping you bring some donations to charity. Having them help you fold up some of their old clothes that no longer fit them, or a few toys they no longer use, or books they have outgrown. Getting them invested in doing something nice for someone else is a big step to helping them truly understand other peoples needs.
You’re probably already doing this, if so, I am just pointing it out to remind you that you’re on the right track.