Sibling relationships in the Wonder Years

Parent Cafe
1

As a working mom, I try to ensure the time I have with the kids is ‘all together’ time. Increasingly this is causing more friction than happiness between my two sons.

S1 and S2 are 18 months apart (currently 8 and just-turned 10). The brothers share a love of comic books, legos and contraband toys (water guns, laser guns, nerf guns, oh and anything involving a game controller which they only experience visiting their cousins a few times a year). Otherwise they are pretty distinct personality-wise.

S1 is “little professor” Aspie-type, intellectual, quirky, moody, charming, dreamy, doing great in a private special needs school for bright kids with social/emotional challenges. Loves Asian and esp Japanese things. Loves anything to do with space exploration. Wants to design spaceships.

S2 is physically active, social, a strong student and popular kid. Doing fantastically in a private school for gifted kids. Lots of friends (boys and girls). Loves potty humor, games, folding paper fortune tellers. Wants to be a math professor or professional soccer player.

S2 loves board games, S1 prefers drawing or making.
S2 wants to play catch, football, b’ball where S2 exercises (floor exercises and yoga).

S2 has lots of friends and is popular, S1 has a few close ones and is ‘quirky.’

S1 reads and loves to share facts about what he reads… this IRRITATES S2
S1 hums or sings while he works (e.g. on a maker project)… this INFURIATES S2
S1 occasionally wants to play a board game but refuses to play with S2 who goes after aggressive wins.

S2 knows S1 has special needs. S1 confides in me he wishes he had a ‘normal’ brother and every penny-in-a-fountain and birthday cake wish is for a normal brother. This breaks my heart.

To nurture the best mutual relationship, do I give them space from one another? Play with one while the other does his thing and switch?

Suggestions?

In other news… all going very well. For those of you who follow my story, therapist gave me GREAT advice for H: 1) He’s not going to change, and 2) he has plenty of +++ so therefore I need to get the kid care help I need from other sources and figure out where H and my circles intersect happily, even if that’s not in the parenting sphere (too bad, but move on and stop wasting energy trying to move the mountain).

It seems so obvious now, but I need to hear it from a pro… I’m more relaxed about things, mentally. I’ve cut out sugar from the diet and am feeling very calm and happy.

2

Yes, give them time away from each other and space. Lots and lots of space.

I know it’s hard as a mom to see it because you can’t see any other possible way for things to be, but your nurturing of a special needs child also creates a dynamic where the other child feels shafted. Unless you can carve out some time and activities where they both get to feel they’re the object of your focus, attention and love there will always be the underlying dynamic of one kid being catered to and the other kid resenting the heck out of it.

3

Ya, divide and Conquer. If you have a partner, each of you take a child with you for his activities and even yours.

4

I think you nailed it @milee30 S2 harbors a lot of resentment aimed at S1. I do try to spend a good amount 1:1 time with S2 (easy because S1, cat-like, is content by himself) but I will double down.

How do I address the “I wish I had a normal brother” piece? Ignoring it seems wrong.

5

Does S2 see a counselor? I would highly recommend it. I thought my daughter was doing fine after her brother was diagnosed with a serious mental illness, but she wasn’t. It was her Girl Scout leader who tipped me off to the fact that she was struggling. I am so thankful to that woman! When I speak to groups now, I always mention that the “normal” kids in the family need support, too.

6

Ask your therapist for suggestions. I don’t consider it unusual for a kid to wish for a different sib, like a boy wishing his sister were a brother, wishing to be an only child or an only child wishing for a sibling.

I’m sure there have been times each of my kids wished they were an only or for a sib different from the one they got, but they DO love one another and that is what I want.

I agree that part of it may be that your S2 wants more time and attention that he feels S1 is getting.

7

“How do I address the “I wish I had a normal brother” piece? Ignoring it seems wrong.”

It seems wrong and hurtful to you because you’re the mom. I know, I’m the mom - I get it. There are some things you can’t force and have to accept are different for the other person. You can’t force a kid to be mature beyond his years and lovingly accept a brother who (fairly or not) takes up most of the family attention, money, time, etc. As awful as it sounds, putting pressure on one kid to love and accept another kid can feel like one more way the kid has to sacrifice to the kid who is already getting “everything” (kid terminology.) Until the other kid feels like he is just as loved, important, valued, cared for he just may not have it in him to go the extra mile to be accepting of the brother. Let it go. Don’t pile that pressure on him as well.

8

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I have sympathy for the parenting challenge.

I have one “easy” kid (generally laid back & naturally cheerful) and one “high maintenance” kid (persistent, easily upset, rigid).

I mean, soooooo different in personality, and this was noticeable from toddlerhood on.

Hitting a speed bump with the high maintenance kid could suck all the oxygen out of the room. It did affect the family dynamics. On my part, I spent a disproportional amount my parental energy worrying about this kid, and we diverted family resources to help her as best we could. Naturally, the easy going kid was easy going about it, on the outside, but she has said some things that make me suspect she harbors some hard feelings about it all.

They are 20 and 22 now, and although mostly cordial to one another, they are not crazy about one another either.

It turned out, from about middle school on, that spending one on one time with each kid was more pleasant than doing things as a family unit. I also made a conscious effort to not discuss one kid’s business with the other kid.

H has a tendency to be wistful about the kids not getting along better, and would (and still does at times) make an effort to “force” some togetherness. I have steered clear of that, as it seems like the kind of thing I would have resented at that age.

I seem to recall finding the book Sibling Rivalry helpful at one point in my parenting journey. I don’t know if it’s outdated or if there is a better resource nowadays.

I’m glad to read you are finding therapy helpful so far.

9

I think one on one time with each kid is a good idea, even when/if they are getting along and liking each other. It gives you each a chance to see each other as an individual person.

Try not to talk about the other kid while on your one on one “dates”. Talk about what is important to the kid you are with, talk about your childhood, mistakes you have made, things you feel you have done right or wish you had done differently.

10

The single most important piece of advice I can offer is not to get involved in their disputes at all, unless one is in serious physical danger. My 21 year old Aspie son and almost-23 year old daughter are very close today, and I’d like to believe it’s at least partly because I followed this advice throughout their lives. By all means, give them time apart, but never assume you know why one is angry with the other, or that one is correct in a situation. Let them learn to love the sibling they have, not the one they wish they had. And no, you don’t have to play with either one. It’s okay to be alone and it’s okay to be bored.

It sounds like you are already doing a good job, so just let them roll with it!

11

One thing I tried to do is not defend the other one when there was a fight or one was mad at the other. You seem really mad, that sounds annoying, etc. They want to be heard and validated and they want to know they can say it to you and have you understand.

12

Good advice all. I especially like neutral validation without taking side.

(It’s hard when S2 gets angry at S1 for humming… my rule is you can demand silence if you are doing homework, but we can’t stop people from humming. )

13

That’s a tough one, but just from reading the thread about noise pollution being the new secondhand smoke, it appears that your S2 isn’t alone in viewing constant noise as intrusive. And unlike visual issues where you can not look or close your eyes, it’s hard to ignore noise.

Is there a way to give S2 some space that’s quiet or maybe get him some noise cancelling headphones?

14

My two youngest sons, both neurotypical and not quite 3 years apart in age, fought constantly when they were younger. It was so bad that the school had someone to watch them in the hallways and they weren’t allowed to be near each on the bus. I had to bunk the youngest with my oldest (almost 9 years older) because I couldn’t let the 2 youngest share a room. The older of the two youngest shared with the middle boy. Ironically, it is my oldest who is Aspie.

Now they are 19 and 21 and while they aren’t close, they do get along much better. Middle son is close to both and his influence and those of their extended friend group and helped. I am hoping that this summer S17 joins the older boys when they hang out.

So, there is hope. H and I never thought the two of them would ever even be civil to each other.

OTOH, my sister and I (28 months apart) never had anything in common and fought like the Civil War until we no longer lived under the same roof. We have nothing in common and don’t interact as adults.

Sometimes, you can’t force togetherness on siblings. All you can do is make sure they all feel respected and don’t kill each other.

15

OK, thinking more about the humming thing and I think my first advice was off. Not that it wouldn’t solve the issue of S2 feeling the noise was driving him nuts, but because it’s short term gain with potential long term pain.

If it’s possible to help S1 to stop the humming, that would be harder to do but better from a long term standpoint. Assuming you think it will be a goal to have S1 working in a job someday, the more you can help him to minimize behavior that’s disruptive to others, the more chance he has of interacting in a way that will enable him to have jobs and normal interactions. Being aware of noises and how they bother others is something that would be helpful for S1.

16

Actually, I agree with @milee30 about working to minimize the behaviors. Maybe some CBT or other kind of therapy that can make him more aware of this quirk and some type of reward or positive reinforcement for progress, such as being able to read you a book or have you read to him, doing an activity with you alone or whatever floats his boat. With my middle son (ODD), regular trips to the public pool when he met his behavior goals was very helpful. If you can get him to stop humming, it will probably make his life easier as well. What do his teachers say? Does he do this in school? Does something trigger it?

Don’t think of it as taking S2’s side over S1’s freedom of expression - think of it as helping S1 to function better in the real world.

17

Yes, teaching S1 that there is a time and place for different bahaviors is important so he can function well in the world.

18

I feel you. I have two neurotypical kids, and I think there were many times (and possibly still are) when each wished for a different sibling or to be a singleton. I don’t think I ever required them to play with each other but certainly there were times when they had to be together, and they survived.

19

Is son 1 humming because he can’t help it, or to deliberately aggravate his brother? Picking on a sibling to get a negative reaction seems to me pretty typical sibling behavior for this age group. I’im not a professional, though, just a mom and grandmom.

When my sons were younger than yours, and competing for my attention, I asked my psychiatrist father for advice. He suggested I give them plenty of time alone without me so they could bond. That worked for us, though the end result is they became more bonded to each other than to me. That has hurt my feelings a little bit at times.

20

I do not have kids with special needs, so what I have to say about siblings may not apply to OP’s kids…

I raised my 2 girls to get along. I expected them to be nice to each other. I stepped in when they didn’t get along and they got punished if they weren’t nice to each other. I told D1 she was to take care of D2 when we weren’t around and D2 was to show a certain respect to her older sister. I never understood why some parents would let their kids fight and let them work it out. Not to say it was always easy when they were growing up (D2 lied about D1 hitting her once, boy did she got in trouble when I got to the bottom of it). They had their differences, but they knew what was expected of them. Now they are all grown with their own lives, but they continue to see each other and are very close. My brother and sister both have 2 kids, and their kids are also very close. I think some behaviors are taught. Kids learn from their parents on how to treat their families.

When kids were little we used to have a movie night every Sun night (take out food and a movie at home). We each got to pick out a movie we wanted to watch. D2 was 5 years younger than D1, so when D2 picked a Disney movie she wanted to watch, we all had to watch it. When we traveled, we all took turns to pick something we wanted to do. We all had to do it whether we liked it or not. The kids were fine with it because they knew they were going to their turn. If I were OP, instead of separating the boys, I would spend time with both of them, but have the boys take turns on picking out activities they want to do. If one of the boys should act up and didn’t want to play then he could go to his room to be by himself (time out) while OP spent time with the other boy.