<p>How do you handle sibling rivalry among your kids, particularly teens? </p>
<p>What if you have one child for whom things come easily and they seem to succeed in most of what they do? How do you convince the one who feels overshadowed of their own worth and gifts, in a way that they truly “HEAR” you?</p>
<p>I have a D16 who feels overshadowed by her brother, who is 13. I’m not entirely sure how to handle it.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have interests that differ from those of her brother?</p>
<p>Does the son require more “care and feeding” than the daughter?</p>
<p>I think it is important to show interest and support the daughter’s activities, even if they are not as “impressive” as whatever it is that the 13 year old is doing.</p>
<p>A made up example – child A enjoys cheerleading, child B is in the gifted program at school.</p>
<p>Even if the parents can identify more with the benefits of a gifted program, they can be proud of the child who is involved in cheerleading, attend games where the child is doing cheerleading, arrange for the child to participate in cheerleading camp, etc. – note also that the characteristics required to be a successful cheerleader can be every bit as useful in life as those required to be in the gifted program.</p>
<p>Part of the problem, I think, is that the things she wants to be really good at (singing, acting, sports, school) he is equally good at, or better.</p>
<p>For example, he came to her school last year. They both tried out for the play last year and this year- she got a bit part or the chorus and he got large roles, particularly for a middle schooler. </p>
<p>She plays volleyball and works hard at it. She has played at the JV level for the past three years. He has been playing baseball since he was 5, basketball for the past couple of years and has some natural athleticism so it “comes more easily” for him.</p>
<p>She has always, always loved singing. She works at it but again, some of singing is just natural ability. He has excellent pitch and has been asked to sing solos at our church many times over the last year.</p>
<p>I know these things hurt her. But, I can’t NOT let him do them so that she’ll feel better about herself. She’s a smart, capable kid in her own right but is having trouble finding how to shine all on her own. It’s not just the sibling thing too- It’s not having a boyfriend when she feels like “everyone else has a boyfriend” which of course, isn’t the case. She’s just feeling badly about herself and her brother is just salt on the wound.</p>
<p>I don’t know how to help her feel valuable for who she is.</p>
<p>And in regards to the second part of your message, we do try very hard to do that. We take her to every VB practice and watch. We got to all her home games and cheer wildly. You know? She will go on to do such amazing things but I think she feels hopeless because she thinks he (and probably others) are perfect and that she falls short. Agh- I don’t think we communicate that to her. We try hard to support all of our kids and have the same expectation for all- that they do their personal best. :-(</p>
<p>It’s important that she do things because she enjoys them, not just to be “the best” at them.</p>
<p>Would she like to take guitar lessons so that she can accompany herself and please herself with her singing?</p>
<p>It sounds a bit like she hasn’t “found her people” yet, so that she perceives her brother as having a “better life” because things come more easily to him.</p>
<p>These are growing pains. There aren’t any easy answers, I’m afraid. (I am saying this as the mother of a 20 year old who feels like I haven’t been paying enough attention to her since she had been home for Thanksgiving, and that once her 17 year old sister arrives home tomorrow, it will be impossible for her to have the time she needs with her mother…)</p>
<p>Your kids sound just like mine. Three years apart and they were always competitve in the same things and he was always “better.” When he started HS during her senior year, I just knew that it was going to be rough, especially when her friends just “adored” younger bro. But believe it or not, they became amazingly good, supportive friends during that year. We did have to forbid him from going to prom (was asked by a senior) and from auditioning for the spring play (he would have had to play his sister’s “husband” - yuck!) But otherwise, they came to see each other in a new light. Don’t know what happened, maturity I guess. It also helped that D was busy planning for college, etc. Plus, younger brother idolizes his sister (even though to outsiders he is the “star” - literally, he’s an actor and has had some local press, etc.)</p>
<p>My advice, for what it’s worth, support them equally. Make sure they support each other. Praise each of them in front of the other one. Wait for them to mature a little.</p>
<p>She sings - he sings. She acts - he acts. She does sports - he does sports. </p>
<p>I’d say, one of the things she’s REALLY good at is inspiring her younger brother. Something to point out to her - what an influential role model she is. </p>
<p>That said, it would be good if you could find something only SHE does, something he won’t take up as well. Ballet ? Sewing/knitting ? (smile)</p>
<p>Is she driving yet? That might help. Also, he’s a boy and for many things there is just less competition for a boy, fewer try out for parts, few sing, so when there is a boy that does that, he is grabbed up quick. Your d needs to see its apples and oranges. </p>
<p>I would get her into something new, lke photography, dance, and for sure something outside of school</p>
<p>Also, maybe not go to all events for each of them, don’t go to practice and watch its Ike she has to be good all the time, in her eyes, miss a game, while it’s good to cheer her on, at 16 her practices should be hers</p>
<p>She’s 16, get her a license, whether she will drive a lot or not, give her some more succeeding without parents cheering all the time</p>
<p>I bet she is afraid to blow a play at practice for fear of not impressing parents, not saying it’s rational, after all she is 16, but I would almost back off on all the rah rah rah, it may feel like you are over compensating for her not being good enough, she’s not 5</p>
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<p>What a wonderful perspective and idea! I hope he realizes the influence she has had on him and I hope she is proud of providing it!
With respect to the underlying issue, it is a very hard lesson that she is learning earlier than some–no matter how good you are someone is [almost] always better sooner or later. Are silver medal Olympians proud of themselves? I sure hope so, but there is probably a bit of regret even at that level not to win the gold.<br>
Good luck, and maybe try that guitar idea…</p>
<p>This sounds almost exactly like my sister and I. I am six years older than she is (she is now a freshman in high school), but she still feels competitive with me. </p>
<p>My mom tries to encourage her to develop her own preferences (teaching and cooking v. my biology/science and legal interests), rather than having her try to follow mine (thank goodness she has her own interests). It is also slightly different since she is in regular classes mostly (I was in nearly all honors/AP) so my mom can sit her down and say “You guys have different abilities and that’s ok, as long as you do your best in your own arena.” </p>
<p>Our fighting has gotten somewhat better since I’ve gone away for college (distance does prevent fighting), but when I’m home it still gets pretty bad. You really need to emphasize that your daughter IS NOT your son. My mom still makes the mistake of asking for things that my sister associates with me (High honor roll, participation in clubs) and she resents that. Of course, she doesn’t realize that those things are good by themselves, not just because <em>I</em> did them. </p>
<p>It’s really tough sometimes for both of us. She feels ignored because I am a better student and my parents expect high grades. I feel pressured to reassure her that I don’t exist/do what I do simply to make her life miserable. In your situation, its slightly different because the younger child is the star. Then there’s the added problem of being outshone by a younger sibling. At least that’s not an issue here.</p>
<p>(And yes, there is still massive sibling rivalry with kids 6 years apart.)</p>
<p>I totally agree on the fact that boys with less talent can get bigger parts in middle and HS plays because there are fewer of them. My D used to joke that she was going to cut her hair off and bind her breasts and then maybe she’d get a lead. Meanwhile, half the male leads were talented and the other half were male.</p>
<p>I think that you should perhaps encourage your D to branch out in to new things. I love the guitar idea. My own D had a nice singing voice but she didn’t always get picked for good parts because she also did sports. When she taught herself guitar, she became more “marketable.” She got a nice role in G-dspell senior year because she could sing and accompany herself.</p>
<p>At least your kids seem to get along. My 2 youngest can’t be left alone in a room together or there will be blood and screaming.</p>
<p>I would also maybe give your D some privileges that she has earned because she is older and more experienced than your S.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
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<p>How do you know? Does she say they do or does she act upset? Is it possible you are projecting some of your worry about it onto the situation? If these things do hurt her then I think you should openly acknowledge that and talk openly about how tough it is to be in her position. I wouldn’t discuss it in front of your son, but I would discuss it. I would imagine that she knows that he is exceptional and if she encourages him then she may be proud of him. You could ask her what she needs or what would help. At sixteen, she may really appreciate that kind of conversation.</p>
<p>I have two girls, ages 17 and 15. The 15 year old feels she lives in the shadow of her big sister. D1 gets perfect grades, danced competitively, etc… School doesn’t come as easy for my youngest though I would say she is just as bright as her sister…just slacks.</p>
<p>I try to point out what D2 excels at, which is art and most things creative. She is extremely independent and has a gazillion friends. Still, it is hard at times. I think it is important to spend time alone with each girl. And I give them both lots of hugs and kisses!</p>
<p>Luckily, they are very close and do things together all the time.</p>
<p>My two daughters share very few common characteristics… Yet they’re best friends. They know what they’re good at, and never compete. </p>
<p>My older one is the artistic / do-it-with-your-hands type who’s as comfortable framing a roof as she is painting or drawing; she had to work hard to do well thru high school and is now having the time of her life studying Architecture, something she wanted from 9th grade on… </p>
<p>The younger is a monster of an academic that manages straight A’s thru middle school with little to no effort (her challenge is to get 100 or above, 90 is too easy) and excels in anything and everything; But, does not seem to know what she wants to do with her life. </p>
<p>The older one has taken after me 100% but looks more Asian like her mom - the younger one has taken 100% after Tiger mom academically but has very European looks like me… Lots of “you two are sisters?”… But they do not compete, never did. Each has their own areas of success, and no matter how many comparisons, they simply don’t care for each other in that way. </p>
<p>We do have to spend lots of quality time with both, and if one gets the spotlight, we try to balance it. This year has all been about the older one going to college, so the younger one has taken a bit of a back seat - but we celebrate her straight A’s just as well.</p>
<p>Thank you to everyone for all the wonderful and thoughtful feedback.</p>
<p>The good news is, like some of you said in your responses about your own kids, is that she loves her brother very much. And he loves her. They have become closer as they have gotten older and enjoy spending time together (especially without their loud, wild younger brother!)</p>
<p>In fact, for this play that my son just got a part in, auditions were for 8th grade and older. My son is in 7th. He was sad because he had been planning to try out. My daughter, on the other hand, privately told me that she was kind of glad because it would give her a better shot. Then, a few days later and unbeknownst to me, she went to the music and drama teachers at her school and asked if he could try out. (sob) They did let him and he did well. The rest is history, as they say. She said to me later (in tears) “I am so happy for him, I want him to do well, it is just hard to see him always do so much better than me…” She is very generous and loving with him, even as she wrestles with these feelings.</p>
<p>@seahorsesrock: I should have been more clear. When she was playing VB at her high school in season, I was not at the practices. But once a week she goes to a rec center for a practice/game session and all the parents stay and talk/watch. I was referring to that.</p>
<p>College trips and visits will be a good way to spend time with her. Taking her out driving it also good. We support opportunities for her to get together with her friends or have her friends over. I really like the guitar idea too. </p>
<p>Thank you for all the feedback. Any more is welcome.</p>
<p>My first thoughts were along the lines of mimk’s. Are you sure you’re not projecting a tiny bit? Do your kids get along (you know–most of the time)? Is your D generally happy? Good group of friends? If so, I’d let it be. I don’t think you need to push her into a new activity if she’s happy with her current ones. If <em>she</em> comes to you and says she’d like to drop/expand her ec’s, then fine, but this is also part of becoming an adult–realizing and accepting that there will always be people out there who are better at various things than you are.</p>