My younger child is in 7th grade - and he is so close to his sister. He is really upset about her leaving for college in a few months.
Any tips? Things people have done to make the transition easier for the siblings?
Is it possible for him to go along for move-in so he can see where she will be living and going to school?
Skype, FaceTime, Messenger, etc. all help. Some families set a regular time on weekends for a family Skype. I was never able to pin my kids down for a weekly commitment!
I have a 7th grader with 2 siblings in college. It helps him to know exactly when he will see them again and for how long.
Does he have a T shirt from the college? It may him feel more a part of the process.
And I agree-- both seeing the school and having an idea of the calendar should help.
All good ideas! We visited last month so he has seen the college. Because we live abroad he will not be able to go with me to drop her off. I love the idea of getting him a t-shirt - will look for that now!
Accept and reflect on his feelings, that they are normal, that you feel them too, that there are going to be hard parts for everyone in the family, that those of you not going to college will help each other through it. Plan something fun and special with him when she goes.
Get him comfortable with skype, facetime, etc. You may find that your son ends up knowing far more about what’s going on at college than you do!
When she moves in, have her facetime with him to show her room, the cafeteria and such again.
He may also discover that he enjoys some aspects of her absence when the time comes.
There will be less competition for family resources (such as parental availability to drive him places and time to plan and go to special events). His favorite foods will appear on the table more often (because there’s one less person to please). Things that she does that irritate him (like, perhaps, playing music he doesn’t like) won’t happen while she’s gone.
My younger kid LOVED it when her older brother was away at college. I think her three years as a quasi-only child were her favorite years of growing up.
We actually got my youngest a smartphone just before her twin sisters went off to college. They text, FT and talk without having to have me as a go-between. She was in 5th grade for their freshman year and is now in 7th for their junior. Next year, she will be the only one home for 8th grade.
Her 5th teacher had some great suggestions for the transition. Writing letters or cards is great for keeping in touch AND helping the college student with homesickness. Reading the same book can be a great way to keep in touch. They could also use Google Docs to write a story together or just keep a diary about each of their days. Finally, make sure and involve each in the other’s special days. Even if the older girls can’t get home for a special occasion, they call or FT. The same for the younger one. Last night, we did “Happy 13th birthday” as a family even though two were away at school.
You will find that the year goes by quickly. During the end of February and most of March, my college girls were home for parts of most weekends plus a week each for spring break. They made it back for both girls spring musicals and even a concert.
My advice is to offer some loose suggestions, but task your kids with finding a way to stay connected together. It will make it that much more meaningful and special.
My DD was 10 when her brother went to college - It took all of us a little bit to adjust to our new dynamic. DD settled into her new role as the “only child”, DH settled into a new role as being the only male in the house and he was eager to take care of “his girls” and we slowly developed new routines. We were fortunate in that DS was close by, an occasional family dinner was possible.
When DS was a Jr in college, DD was in 7th grade and we moved 2000 miles, leaving DS behind in school. This is where Skype and Facetime saved the day.
We also found it helpful for all of us to always know when the next visit was. When son came in July, when we put him on the plane back to school we already had his reservations made for Christmas etc. This gave us tangible dates to work with and helped with the “when will we see you again” question.
We will be in the same boat as well. Younger one is a freshman and has had her big Sis in high school to help her all year. My girls SnapChat and text each other when they are apart, they plan to Facetime as well- constant communication. I love the idea of reading books together!!! The one thing I want to mention is that I have had a few chats with my oldest about not feeling guilty for leaving. Her little sister will miss her, but she will be okay!
I am also going to make sure my younger one has lots of activities with her friends the first few weeks. Reach out to parents of your son’s friends and try to make plans!
I wish your family the best of luck through the exciting, emotional next couple of months!
My older sib went to college not too far away, and I was able to go spend a weekend with him. Eat in the cafeteria, stay in the dorm, etc. If she is not too far away, maybe he could do that.
My son announced to all of us that he would never step foot in Maine again after he left the state! His younger sister was devastated. I said, “Just wait, he’ll be back…” and of course he was.
Now he’s in Lebanon. D will be studying in Italy next fall, and they’re already making plans to meet up in Cyprus. They’ve stayed close, even with the distance between them.
My brother couldn’t wait for me to get out. He was half moved into my room before I was even out, and the pink rosebud wallpaper (from a previous owner) didn’t bother him at all. When I returned for the summer, I had to live in the ‘college kid’ bedroom, which was the extra bedroom the three older kids had to share; my brother kept the pink single.
I was in 4th grade when my oldest sister went away to college, then the next year my brother went. It for sure felt to me like it was just me and my other sister, they left and really disappeared from my life. When my next sister left when I was in 10th grade I really was devastated and missed her and also didn’t want the spotlight on me alone. There could be jealousy around dorm shopping, so I wouldn’t do that with him. Perhaps it would help to have something to look forward to after she left. I planned trips after my kids left so I had that, and I was an adult, so I’m guessing something that interests him would do the same.
My son who said he’d never come back here once he left now lives 45 minutes away. Turns out the snowy tundra was not all it was cracked up to be for him.
You’re wise to be aware of the possible dynamic. Ds2 was so sad after ds1 left that we had him talk to a counselor at school a couple of times. We had a lot going on that first semester (dh’s sister was hospitalized and ultimately died) and felt like ds2 wasn’t getting much attention, but he felt with his brother gone that all attention was on him 24/7. Funny how people’s perceptions differ.
Check for school activities like family weekend and sibs weekend where he can spend some time on campus with her.
Oh goodness, I was that sibling. I would first advise to not tell them to not feel that way. Sometimes the first step in coping is knowing that other people have validated your feelings. I didn’t die, but I adored all my siblings and every time another one left I felt so lonely. But you get on with things.
After that, I would give him a stack of postcards or stamped envelopes, so he can write to her. College students love mail, and hopefully she will find time to call him or text him. He can be her hero with letters, or even be in charge of a monthly care package. He can tuck souvenirs from his week in the box. Why is a letter better than him texting her? Because it’s a concrete thing to do.
Don’r promise she’ll call. Don’t promise she’ll visit. He knows her ship is setting off and may never really return. Keep him busy and don’t blow off his sadness (but don’t wallow in it, either).
Have you talked to your dd about it? She might feel the same way. One of my dd’s college friends had much younger siblings (not even in school yet). She decided that she didn’t want them to grow up not really knowing her. After a parent transfer (military family) the new house didn’t even have a room for her. She moved back home after graduation and slept on the couch. She found a job, and stayed at home for a couple of years helping out, baby sitting, helping with homework etc. She now has an apartment, in town, so she can still spend time with her siblings.