siblings disagree over elder parent care

Parent Cafe
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<p>Agree with somemom about what a difference a good caregiver can make. The vast majority of caregivers are responsible and trustworthy. It’s very important to choose wisely and then keep tabs on the situation, of course. I’m surprised at the negative experiences described above, and sorry the posters’ loved ones experienced them.</p>

<p>When my grandmother had help coming in several times a week, her financial information was out of sight in a locked drawer in her desk. But the newspaper carrier, who came in to be paid each week, stole her watch, which was sitting on a table in the hallway. There’s no way to completely prevent thefts. Using an agency that provides bonded employees helps. So does shopping around for an agency, being present on occasion when the aide is in the home, and following up on personal references.</p>

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<p>Ek, Is how is mom doing?</p>

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<p>Well D & I saw her last night- She apparently had, had a smallish stroke ( which made me wonder- as that day- she had been with my sister all day- yet my sister dropped her off at her house).</p>

<p>I tried to impress upon her that if she wants to stay out of the nursing home, she is going to* have to* take seriously the recommendations that her PT & her Dr have been giving.</p>

<p>She is interested in having someone check up on her, but unfortunately, she doesn’t have enough room in her condo- for someone other than family to stay there. ( the way it is configured- huge master bedroom/walk in closet/ huge bath- tiny, tiny, 2nd bedroom that she uses as a " media room"- although she lives very close to Bellevue high school, if a student was interested in nursing, perhaps they could check on her, on their way to Bellevue Square shopping)
She is going to be discharged from the hospital but then go to a temp care facility till they are sure she is more stable.</p>

<p>She complained constantly about the last one-and I hope she will be a better patient. She was mentally fine last night, ( and actually when she was admitted she knew her name/DOB, day of the week etc , she couldn’t think of some words- but I have that problem a lot myself- when I called D to start dinner- I couldn’t think of the words- silk or husk when I wanted her to shuck the corn :o )</p>

<p>I am going to talk to my brother about what mom wants, as my sister does not listen at all to anything I say, she is amazingly eco-centric- when we were at the emergency room, she kept talking about her daughter who just started junior year in college & how she is going to be an anesthesiologist)
:P</p>

<p>My H has been on strike & without a paycheck, we have been trying to repair our old house- our dog is 14 years old with health problems- both D & I are having trouble finding work-…</p>

<p>but the weather has been gorgeous :slight_smile:
& even though I would not ever befriend my mother if she wasn’t related to me, she is still my * mother* , & I am willing to help as much as I can.
I see myself as doing it not so much for my mother, but for my kids grandmother.( and for my grandmother’s daughter)</p>

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<p>A resource for you could be the social worker at the hospital. Every time my mother went in, we ended up touching base with one - it was wonderful help. Even if mom is checked out, you can still call and chat with her to get her insights on the situation. Perhaps your sister would listen to her.</p>

<p>I completely agree that she should not first go into a nursing home! Assisted living should come before that. They will make all of her meals for her, dispense medications, and keep an eye on her throughout the day. After that, an adult family home is far preferable to a nursing home. The caregiver-to-client ratio is usually around 2 to 6 - FAR better than a nursing home (and more expensive as well) but appropriate when you need a much higher level of care. She sounds like a great candidate for assisted living.</p>

<p>I empathize with your situation - it’s so hard to deal with a declining parent. Don’t give up on advocating for her, no matter how difficult your sister may make it for you!</p>

<p>One last thing…Believe in magic when it comes to relationships. Often times, out of the most stressful and difficult times, there are silver linings. You just may find that your relationship with your mom will be healed by the time all of this is over - a wonderful gift to you both.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>EK, I am glad to hear that she is now out of the hospital. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!</p>

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<p>emeraldkity–good luck w/your mom. Hope she’s able to find someone to check on her regularly (that sounds like a nice solution).</p>

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<p>i’d suggest that you visit with her physical therapists at her current rehab facility and get an understanding of what her needs are for when she returns to her home. ask about “activities of daily living.” ask what is she now doing for herself and what will she need assistance with once she returns home?</p>

<p>arranging for home health (bath aides, homemaker, and a visiting nurse) might delay her move out of her home for now. the social worker at the rehab facility should likely be able to coordinate the home health request before your mother is discharged if it’s determined that your mother needs assistance with any of the “activities of daily living” or if there are other needs. getting the home health care plan in place before she leaves the facility is a plus rather than waiting until your mom returns home and then trying to get anything done. </p>

<p>if a move is necessary, assisted living homes are a good option. along with dispensing meds and meals, most also offer activities. they also offer assistance with “activities of daily living.”</p>

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<p>One thing I regret about my mom’s situation is that I didn’t encourage her - strongly - to move to a better-fit environment sooner. This is typical, of course - elderly people often do not want to move until it becomes an extreme situation (yet by that time the no-longer-appropriate home environment has taken its toll). It is also easier to make an adjustment to a new living situation the healthier you are (particularly socially). Every situation is different, of course - this was just my personal experience.</p>

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<p>That’s a fine line—whether to give up home environment & move while healthy, or gamble that you can stay at home forever & never need to move (while possibly then having to move when quite infirm).</p>

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<p>When my mother sold her 5 bedroom house because she was tired of hiring someone to mow the grass, I tried to get her to move closer to me in the city, because even though we have sucky public transportation, it is better than in the burbs.</p>

<p>But she & my sister insisted upon moving close to her so that they could " help her " ( which turned out to be actually my mother helping with sisters child care, inc picking the kids up from school etc for years)</p>

<p>She moved to a very expensive neighborhood condo, ( the neighborhood was expensive not the condo), but the monthly maintenance costs not to mention fixing what the builder didn’t, have come to hundreds of dollars more a month than what mowing the grass once a week did.</p>

<p>I have suggested that she talk to a nutritionist about eating healthier meals- , but she insists she knows what to eat. ( when I looked in her kitchen it was full of lemon bread & frozen pork chops w gravy)</p>

<p>I am already trying to envision our own house in 20 years- hoping we can stay here ( provided it isn’t surrounded by condos) , & have been trying to get H to think about making our detached garage into living space which has been done in some neighborhoods- I thought we could rent it out or have it available for the girls when they visit.</p>

<p>But even though he has most of the basement taken over as his “workshop” ( * translate- half begun projects that he will finish one day- including an easel he started to make for oldest D when she was 2* ) & only * he * is allowed to put anything in the garage- all my gardening stuff has to go on the side of the house :p</p>

<p>I am not sure why mom insists on living in the burbs, she grew up in rural Mo & Seattle- since she doesn’t drive ( she gave her car to my sister), she has to depend on someone taking her grocery shopping, although she is able to occasionally get senior public transportation for medical appts.
People walk more here- and we have lots of folks who retired 30 years ago in the area- she wouldn’t feel isolated</p>

<p>We have lots of senior community centers ( run by the city of Seattle) that feature free & very low cost services- that could get her out from in front of the tv. She really isn’t that old, she is in her early 70’s- she could be driving us all crazy for decades!</p>

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<p>Good luck to you, emeraldkity. The decisions they make while older are definitely not always logical (excutive function declines a good bit). Agree–important to get them out from in front of the TV, if possible.</p>