siblings disagree over elder parent care

Parent Cafe
1

<p>That I am anticipating anyway.</p>

<p>My sister and her husband have full control over my mothers extensive financial assets, given because they talked her into it, which I disagreed with, but I didn’t have the say.
My sister lives very close to my mother although she is too busy with her 5 kids, all still at home to really pay much attention.</p>

<p>For some reason- I went to visit my mother last night, and found her disoriented & took her to the hospital to get her checked out where she was admitted. I felt while her blood pressure was very high, this was compounded by probable dehydration.</p>

<p>She currently lives alone, while I call her every day, she has no one physically checking up on her, unless my sister or brother need her to baby sit their kids.</p>

<p>I agree that she needs more regular care, but my sister wants to put her in a nursing home, & I feel that intermediary plan should be tried first.</p>

<p>I am willing to remodel my ( unattached)garage ( which I want to do anyway) so that she could live there- if having someone occasionally stay with her/check on her more regularly doesn’t work out.</p>

<p>I really feel my sister is took advantage of my mothers prejudices to get control of her money.( that men are more intelligent/superior- that men who have white collar background- are the top of the heap :rolleyes:)<br>
( sister<— }She is not above pitching a fit to get what she feel she deserves- & I harbor a great deal of resentment and guilt over how my grandmothers care was handled.</p>

<p>* backstory: H & I were fairly close to my grandparents when we married. We moved to be close to them- and saw them at least once a week. I was also willing and interested in caring for my grandfather when he was dying of colon cancer- as he did not want to go back to the hospital but my grandmother- wouldn’t let me do so.
When she became ill and eventually was placed into a nursing home by my mother who had complete power of attorney- it was at a time when I was overwhelmed with my younger child who was having many, many issues. I was told by both my mother and my sister that my grandmother was completely non communicative and not aware of what was going on at all. As the nursing home was a long way from my home, I did not visit for over a month, but was horrified and upset that when I did visit, to learn that actually my grandmother was quite alert & aware , even though she did have trouble communicating.</p>

<p>I tried to visit her more frequently after that, but the facility was still difficult to access from Seattle- with a difficult young child.
She died soon after that, which was quite difficult for me, compounded by my mother deciding not to have any sort of a service for her.*</p>

<p>I really do not like my sister- in case you couldn’t tell- & while I will not paint all Mormons with same brush- I will say that in my sister’s case, she feels that those who are not LDS, do not deserve the same consideration/respect or even honesty & while my mother has said she doesn’t trust them , they ( my sister and her H, are very relentless and my mother caves in the face of any opposition)</p>

<p>Anyway- I am wondering- has anyone gone through where they disagree about care of their parents with their siblings?
How did you handle it?</p>

2

<p>What does your mother want? That seems like a good first step in determining the next plan of action.</p>

3

<p>well at this point she was just admitted to hospital last night- she wants to stay in her condo- but since my sister has power of attorney- I imagine she could force her elsewhere, she was saying as much to the staff of the hospital.</p>

<p>I don’t want her to be talked into anything she doesn’t want to do- but there is already a precedent for that, she would rather agree, and then complain about it bitterly.</p>

<p>It’s unfortunate that the only family is the siblings, she had no siblings of her own- my father has been deceased for 33 years & there are no other relatives.
God, I am glad my kids like each other. :)</p>

4

<p>I am going through a similar situation right now, but, fortunately, my sister and her husband are awesome and we are pretty much in agreement about our mother’s care. My (step)father of 51 years died 2 weeks ago, leaving us in the lurch with the care of our wheelchair bound, light dementia afflicted mother. She is in her home, but we are bringing in a care-giver 8 hours a day. My sister and her husband are building an addition onto their house. It was supposed to be for both our parents, but now will be just for Mom. It is a huge undertaking for them (Mom has the assets to pay for it) and I admire them greatly for being willing to do it. I do not live in the same state, so I am grateful that they are able to shoulder this. My sister will have guardianship and we will establish a trust. The remainder of the trust will pass to the designated beneficiaries upon Mom’s death. I trust my sister and am willing to help in any way I can. Our goal is to keep Mom out of a nursing home. Unfortunately, our parents were too resistant to assisted living (the nice places) and missed the window on getting into one while they were physically qualified.<br>
You might want to see if your mother will agree to give you Power of Attorney or consent to a Guardianship so that you can arrange her living arrangements for now- even in the face of your sister’s opposition. I am not an expert on this area of law, and all the different sorts of arrangements get confusing.
That said, I certainly feel for you and this seems to be the defining issue of our generation.
(EDIT- just saw that your sister has POA)</p>

5

<p>emeraldkity, my heart goes out to you. I have a story that begins a lot like yours, has a lot of lawyers and a wretched court case in the middle, and ends with “we don’t speak anymore.”
PM me if you want details.
If you don’t want details, my answer is hope for the best, prepare for the worst, don’t stop aiming for the situation you/your mom want, and document everything you do. Best of luck to you.</p>

6

<p>A better question might be given that she can’t stay in her condo alone any longer, would she rather live in her condo and pay for an in-condo caregiver, live in your remodeled garage, or live in a nursing home? If your mother is mentally competent to choose and has the assets to fund her decision, the choice is legally hers. You and/or your sister may disagree with your mother’s decision, but the court will require your sister to use your mother’s funds to pay for the choice your mother makes.</p>

7

<p>I am going through these sort of issues with my MIL right now. I can tell you that I loath having to do anything with her bills, assets, finances, etc. My own are enough, thank you. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to take over someone else’s finances unless it was absolutely necessary. </p>

<p>If it comes down to your mother having to go into a home, you can offer up your alternative. Why would anyone turn that down?</p>

8

<p>Wow, this is a tough one; if your sister has all financial control she could refuse to fund your mom at your house.</p>

<p>From an outside perspective, if your mom is moving in and your garage needs a remodel to accommodate it, it would seem your mom should pay for it and it should be something that would likely last long enough to make it worth doing the work.</p>

<p>EK- I thought, from prior posts, that you are not all that close with your mom and she has caused you problems in the past?? Or is that your MIL?</p>

<p>Perhaps a way to encourage your sister to address the need is to ask her to check in on mom daily and call or email you a report each time? If you really want your mom with you, money may motivate your sister, if it is cheaper and better than a nursing home?</p>

9

<p>These issues are very difficult from practical and emotional standpoints. The initial questions relate to what care does your mother need both immediately and long term, and what are her assets worth. Is your sister intending to put your mother into a nursing home short term after she is released from the hospital or does she want to sell the condo and move her out permanently? People usually don’t go into nursing homes unless they need that level of care. More commonly people go into assisted living facilities, but they are expensive. Sometimes, the least expensive option is to have someone come into your mother’s home, depending on her level of care.</p>

<p>In addition to finding out how much money your mother has is to find out what type of care might be paid for by medicare or insurance.</p>

10

<p>EMKitty,</p>

<p>You should – and your mother, of course – should know that a power of attorney is not an irrevocable document. It’s only in play as long as the individual wants it to be. Your mother can, without notifying your sister, go to a lawyer and revoke it. It’s important for all older people to have someone they trust for both the financial and medical powers of attorney, but that doesn’t mean that you have to commit to them forever. As long as she has her faculties, she can still make her own choices. She should be aware that your sister wants to move her to a nursing home and that she has the choice, with your help, to choose another alternative.</p>

11

<p>Alia, great points. Also, if your mother is not in a position to get to a lawyer, a lawyer visit her.</p>

12

<p>BTW, the Hospital, County Medical, Emergency Room and Insurance Companies are not your friend.</p>

13

<p>Very difficult situation to be in, ek - my sympathies. In our county in New York state, the Department of Aging offers extensive senior services, including those of an arbitrater who works with families in situations such as yours (for free). It can be very confusing to sort out all the options available for senior care. It might help to phone your local senior center or county senior organization to learn just what options exist.</p>

<p>It’s a huge, expensive leap from self-care to a nursing home. Does your mom live in a home or apartment she owns? Many services exist to allow seniors to remain comfortably at home as long as possible. A reverse mortgage can help with funding. In your mom’s case, it sounds as if she could benefit from a very low-level intervention, such as the care of a companion for 4 hours each day. The companion has no medical training, but can remind the senior about medications, prepare food, do light housework and errands, etc. The cost around here is $15 per hour for a bonded worker who is employed by a home-care agency. You could probably put an ad in the paper and find someone to do the same thing independently for less (with good references, of course). </p>

<p>The level of services, and the cost, go up from there. Private duty nursing is very expensive, but your mom doesn’t seem to be in need of that, which is usually reserved for seniors who are on feeding tubes or catheters or high-tech medical equipment.</p>

<p>You mom could explore the many steps between her current situation and a nursing home, which is the most expensive option. There are senior apartments that provide no formal support - however, I have seen frail seniors live in a good senior apartment complex for many years. I work in a senior center - old ladies love to keep an eye on each other, remind each other about meds, take each other to the doctor/drugstore/library, etc. Assistive and assisted living provide more in the way of support, and are more expensive, but still allow the senior some autonomy and independence. A nursing home is the last option - don’t know why your sister is thinking of it right away, and I don’t blame you for being uncomfortable with that.</p>

<p>I can’t see how your mom would be ready for a nursing home if your sibs still use her for babysitting!</p>

14

<p>EK,
These situations are sooo difficult. My sympathies…and please, everyone who isn’t at that point yet go see a lawyer, establish a health care directive in writing! Set up a trust…establish paperwork that puts in place what you want. (I am not a lawyer but I have seen these family situations escalate… and at the age of 46 have all of my paperwork done, just in case :)</p>

15

<p>We were faced with this with my MIL a few years ago. Dh’s siblings think they are rational people, but, really, one is not, and all of them carry baggage. </p>

<p>After their father died, the oldest sibling and most needy moved in with their mom, but it was not a great situation. She drove my MIL nuts and instead of contributing financially, she was a parasite. The other three kids kept trying to come up with plans for how to get their mom out of that situation. Finally, one night my dh researched assisted living facilities and found one affiliated with the Catholic Church that was only a couple of miles from the younger dd. It’s one of those big places were there are levels of care. Dh proposed to the siblings that she buy her own duplex in the complex, which came with utilities paid, xx numbers of meals a week and lots of activities she can choose to partake in. Everyone bit. He had the sales person for this facility (it was brand new, not even finished) send each sibling brochures and sales materials so that everyone had the same info and would feel included in the process.</p>

<p>She’s been there for several years now, still able to live independently in the duplex, although she uses a scooter to get around. The time may come in a year or two to get her into the bottom floor of the big facility, and then, if she needs to, she’ll move into the nursing home part of the facility.</p>

<p>Moral of the story: Sometimes it just takes someone to come up with a solution and act on it. Decide with your mom what she wants to do and make it happen.</p>

16

<p>What a tough situation. We’ve had something similar, though the siblings get along. Its hard enough when they do so I can’t imagine how hard this must be on you.</p>

<p>On the plus side, nursing homes are very expensive and the fact that your sister leans that ways suggests at least she’s not just ‘in it for the money’ since your mom’s money will quickly depreciate with that option. In contrast, if she moves into your garage, the bank account would be saved. </p>

<p>On the other side, where we live there are many different types of places for seniors. They needn’t all be nursing homes in the traditional sense. I realize you may live in a very different area, but if its a large metro area I’m sure you could find the same. For example, a complex where each person has their own condo with kitchen, can have pets and so on, but at the same time, fora monthly fee they include meals in the restaurant, weekly maid service a library, outings, a gym with classes (and residents can purchase gradually more care as needed, such as daily call-ins, administering pills, bathing). </p>

<p>Another option might be hiring in someone to visit your mom daily, take her for walks or something along those lines. Its much cheaper than a nursing home and is a nice in between solution that might appeal to your mom, make your sister feel better, and also be an in-between solution that you seek.</p>

17

<p>The caregivers we have for our mother are pretty adequate and cost about $12-13 an hour. I don’t think that’s bad. The one we have drives and can get groceries, take Mom to the hairdresser’s (the world would have to end before she misses the Wed hair appt) etc.</p>

18

<p>We had a great deal of trouble with the caregivers for my father: things went missing, a paypal account was linked to my father’s checking account and … a forty year old nurse “fell in love” with my 88 year old father and nearly brokered a marriage. I’m sure there are many good private care nurses out there, but our experience was that one was good, two were so-so and one was really, really bad.</p>

19

<p>We had one that got FIL to co-sign a car and then later it was repossessed, at nearly 90 his mastercard limit was cut to $1000 credit limit due to the affects of that bad deal.</p>

<p>There was also missing jewelry etc over the years, it’s hard to trust, but a good caregiver can be Godsend</p>

20

<p>Just sending out good wishes and empathy for those dealing with parental, elder-care issues. It’s very challenging but the elders are fortunate to have concerned, interested adult children such as those here!</p>