<p>In the long run, how important is it to bring the younger ones along when dropping off the family freshman? I had assumed that we would all go, but the little bro insists that he doesn’t want to see the dorm, meet the roommate, etc. etc. I don’t think he is trying to distance himself (though it’s a possibility); he’s not a patient personality and he just doesn’t want to make this trip. Will I regret it if I leave him behind? I thought the drop-off would be an important part of the transition for our family.</p>
<p>If they’re old enough to stay home, I wouldn’t force them to go.</p>
<p>OTOH, younger sib at our house always did sherpa duty, and was good natured enough to know that this was his role and accept it. Don’t know what we’d have done w/o him.</p>
<p>OTOOH, (that makes three 
) I would put off the discussion till August; when the farewell is looming, he may just feel differently about it.</p>
<p>My youngest didnt come freshman year- however we did bring her down for parents weekend ( the only year we attended)
It was a good decision- we were able to concentrate on our oldest- who needed us to take her shopping for forgotten stuff as well as calm her fears that she had made a bad decision.
In subsequent years however- we do make it a family trip- although picking up in the spring is just Dad.</p>
<p>From the perspective of the youngest, I’m the youngest of four, I agree with garland and emeraldkity4. With kids, sometimes they just want it to be their decision, and come September, who knows, he may want to go. If he does, try to do something fun after the big drop off. Maybe you could find an attraction in the area your youngest would enjoy visiting. The focus up to the time of the drop off will be around your olderst, and rightfully so, but it would be nice to turn some of that attention to little brother after the goodbyes are said.</p>
<p>We couldn’t all go - financial decision - and I was glad it was just me and D. She was nervous and my H would have had less patience with that. But we all went for family weekend and that was great. There were all kinds of events that little brother could enjoy and she was able to focus on showing us her college, not getting settled there. </p>
<p>Now it is little brother’s turn. He will go with just H - that will work fine as he is a different kid and H will be better with all the shlepping, loft builidng and such that S will want. (D just needed help unpacking - more my forte than H’s). But S will take far less stuff so that part will be simpler.</p>
<p>We found it really is important to be able to focus on the kid who is settling in. I agree with the suggestion that you try to plan a trip that will allow that.</p>
<p>It never even occured to me to bring my daughter along when I took my son to college. I felt it was important to have that one-on-one time with my son – and certainly didn’t feel any qualms about leaving my daughter (then age 13) for a few days, given the fact that she was going to have the spoiled life of an only child with her brother out of the house. My d. did get to visit her brother at his college later on – she flew out with her Dad in October or November (around the time of parent’s weekend) for a visit. </p>
<p>There is a lot of commotion and a lot of emotion when you drop your kid off. First there is the whole issue of finding the dorm room and helping your kid get started with unpacking or staking out territory in the room, sometimes requiring some ingenuity when the storage space turns out to be more meager than expected. Then there is shopping for last minute supplies or additions to the room. And meeting the roommate, and the roommate’s parents. And various on-campus events that they might have for parents, but would leave siblings groaning. </p>
<p>And when you leave … you might feel compelled to say something hokey, or hug your kid for a little longer than usual. A sibling clamoring for attention or cracking jokes is probably not what you want at the moment.</p>
<p>I don’t know - during the entire college application process, my daughter was very jealous of all the attention focused on her older brother, and made her feelings known. When I traveled with him to college, things were tense enough without adding a kid sister with an attitude to the mix. I suppose it could be different depending on the age of the sibling. But I don’t remember seeing too many siblings on campus that first weekend.</p>
<p>Thanks everybody! Your responses have been very helpful.
Hakuta matada.</p>
<p>Different strokes here; we are (all 5 of us) going on a 10 day vacation trip at the end of the summer, then we will conclude our vacation with the dramatic college drop-off, dorm furnishing, roommate meeting, “last supper” hugging & sobbing. </p>
<p>My other kids are 14 & 7. I wanted “14” to get a taste for the excitement & feel of college (hoping for an uptick in academic motivation!) and I wanted “7” to be able to visualize his sis in her new surroundings (because the whole thing is so surreal to him.) </p>
<p>My D is very close with her brothers. She has been a superlative sister to them all their lives; they will take her departure hard. It felt right to do it this way and go out with a last hurrah.</p>
<p>I just have two kids- and while they are close they are 8 years apart.
My youngest was actually away at camp freshman when her sister left-and friends picked her up.( she was 11)
We did go down for parents weekend in November
My advice- unless you really like planned activities don’t go down parents weekend. IN November the weather was fairly miserable, and it was midterms so I barely saw D.
My mother came with my daughter and I, and she didn’t get around well, so it either limited what we could do, or I left her in the dorms.
I would recommend to check with your child and see when is the best weekend for him to visit. We have had a much better time when she and her friends were not consumed with their studies.
In fact we have taken advantage that it is fairly close >200 miles and I take my younger daughter down ( and her friends) several times a year- she stays on campus with either my older daughter or her friends, and she has gotten to know them well enough that we are going down for graduation this weekend .
Younger D and her friends especially like that they pass for college students- they are so tall ( until they start giggling)</p>
<p>Sbmom, we did see some families doing the move in, who did trips similar to what you have planned. I think it helps to have two adults along if you do it that way - one can run to Walmart or BB&B while the other takes the younguns to a playground or sightseeing if they tire of the move-in. There are also often activities and lectures for parents only - like when they talk about alcohol/drug policies and such. If the little ones don’t do well in that kind of setting, having two adults helps then too.</p>
<p>SBmom-We are planning a similar scenario for our dropoff of S2-a week-long family vacation ending in the dropoff. This is a big event in the child’s life and I think that if it is feasible for all to attend, it is a great family experience. The family dynamic is changing and all members will be affected. </p>
<p>Two years ago when we took S1 to school, all 5 of us went. In our case, it really helped for us all to picture where S1 would be living, especially since it was a military school and we knew his life would be drastically changing. The farewell was emotional for us all, and 3 kids that usually express sentiment toward each other with punches in the arm, openly gave each other bear hugs (without any prompting from M!).</p>
<p>S3 had to make a timeline of his life for a class this week and was asking our opinions. When he came to 2003 he said “that’s easy-it’s the year we brought S1 to college”. He felt that this event was important in his life. Most of the focus at this time is on the new college student, but we need to remember that the other siblings lives are also changing. I think including them is a great way to ease the transition.</p>
<p>If it is not possible for the whole family to attend, then a nice family celebration sendoff is another great option.</p>
<p>Speckled…There are not really “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” with this decision and I certainly think it is just fine to leave the younger one home. Other posters gave you some pros of each choice. </p>
<p>In our case, this past Sept., when sending oldest D off to college for first time, we did not bring younger sister, who is two years apart. This was more for logistical reasons because her public high school had already started and she needed to go and so we left her behind for one night with her friend’s family. I’m not sure if we would have taken her anyway. I mean the whole goodbye thing can be done at home and there is lots to do when upacking a kid at college, which is not that fun for the other kid. However, we brought the younger one to Parent Weekend in October and that is when she got to see her sister’s school when the attention could be on that and she even spent three nights in her sister’s room. I’d have let her go visit on her own this year, perhaps for spring weekend (lotsa fun events at this college) but it never came to be because she has been laid up following a serious car accident in March and could not have gone alone. </p>
<p>Anyway, it is a definite transition for the ENTIRE family, not just the parents. The sibling all of a sudden has no sibling at home or not this particular sibling if you have more kids. It had a BIG impact on the younger child, enough so that she wrote one of her college essays (she was an applicant to college this past fall as a high school junior so was writing college essays soon after her sister left home) about the impact on her life of having her sister leave home for college! It has to do with not realizing how important her sister was in her life until she left home and now to take advantage of opportunities to take their sibling/sister relationship to another level. </p>
<p>I thought of this essay when reading SBMom’s reference in her post of the “last supper” because my D’s college essay refers to many of the “lasts” (last drive to school together, last piano recital, last feeding of the cat) we shared of her older sister. In fact, she even uses “last supper” in her essay! I’d love to post this essay but she’d kill me but the line about the last supper is…(putting it into context at this part of the essay where she is recounting not feeling any impact or emotions during the motions that we went through as older sister was having her “lasts” and then leaving…not realizing much of what she felt until AFTER she left):</p>
<p>“Perhaps it was denial. Cramming D’s life into cartons in the car. Nothing. Gathering at the table with Last Supper-like austerity for her meal of favorites a la death row convict. Nada. Teary-eyed parents arriving home from D’s drop-off, nostalgic as Lassie re-runs. Zero, I was an emotional iceberg.”</p>
<p>To give you a sense of the emotion for the sibling…an excerpt is:
“D had given her eighteen years notice and flown the coop, leaving me sisterless, stranded at the drive-in movie, for eternity.” This reference to a movie does not make sense without reading the prior sentences in the paragraph you get the picture. </p>
<p>In other words, sending big sibling off to college impacts the younger sib but this will be momentous whether or not younger sib actually attends the drop off. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>I can see why the whole-family thing with SBmom’s family worked for them, because it was larger & more inclusive. If we had that situation, I might go for that, too. But ours is probably more like calmom’s, & therefore I am definitely not choosing to bring D#2 along. I have anticipated some of the concerns calmom also had. And D#2 is quite competitive with older sib, & with conflict always just barely underneath the surface of her affection for big sis. The attention to D#1 this yr. has forced the younger one into virtual obscurity. Bringing her along, even <em>if</em> she will not be in her 3rd week of sophomore fall semester already, would not be the best idea.</p>
<p>But I have planned, & agree with others, on the positives of a later visit. Younger will say good-bye to older in Sept., then visit in Oct with me. I think that’s plenty. (And it will be emotional enough for D#1 without sister there.)</p>
<p>Soozievt: Bullseye. </p>
<p>My intense 13 yr old son is not a good candidate for the freshman drop-off. I want him there but he’s not stretchy enough to tolerate all the things that will need to be done, and his misery will send me over the edge. Yet even though he knows this, and I know it, I still want him to be there. I want us all to experience the moment when our car drives away from the waving freshman (silhouetted by the setting sun, or maybe a rainbow). Actually, the more I think about this, maybe I should do everyone a favor and stay home myself!</p>
<p>The reality is that the younger brother would be better off skipping the drop-off, then visiting with us later in the fall, when the emphasis will be on spending time together rather than getting things done. If he changes his mind, he would be welcome to come with us.</p>
<p>Helping to pack the car, being involved in other preparations, saying goodbye at the house, then later seeing photos of the dorm and the roommate, may be enough for mini-bro to start to transition at his own pace.</p>
<p>I hesitated to post this question, because it seemed so trivial, but now everyone’s ideas have got me thinking about the transition in general, not just the car ride in September. </p>
<p>Soozievt: I’ve been reading your posts for almost 3 years. Your excellent advice on activity sheets, cover letters, researching schools, contacting professors, etc. was my blueprint. We pretty much followed it to the letter. I feel like I have a degree from Lurker’s U! I hope that your daughter is coming along well.</p>
<p>It may have all been said - but I’ll chime in! We took younger brother (3 1/2 years younger) to drop off the daughter at college. It was important for us all to see where she would be living and to meet a few of the people she would be living with. That way when she calls home and says, "I woke up late and went to the student center and bought a coffee at the snack bar, and picked up my mail,… yada yada yada - we had a visual picture of where she was, and who she was with. Yes, it is a stressful time, and the focus is on the kid getting dropped off - but it was important for our family to do it together.</p>
<p>SpeckledEgg…I’m glad that some of the drivel I have posted here helped somebody…LOL. And yes, my younger D is doing really well…surgeon says it is fully healed and she hopes to start putting weight on her leg and getting rid of crutches in a week (coincides with prom) and of course there is lots of physical therapy to be as good as before we hope. But thanks. It has been a road, still going down it but way way way better. </p>
<p>As I said, it does not matter that much if your younger one is there or not AT the dropoff…lots of it is what leads up to it and also most of the drop off is spent setting up (not that fun for the other kid). I kinda liked having this focus on the kid who was being dropped off…she got our undivided attention. </p>
<p>Also, I was crying as we pulled away. Not sure other kid needed to see it, lol. She was part of the build up before sister left and of course, got to be there for parent weekend about 8 weeks later. In my case, she could not have made it to the drop off anyway cause of first days at her school. But I do not think being there for the good bye ON campus is the big deal here for the younger kid as much as the OVERALL goodbye and prep. It is going to be a transition and big step no matter if the younger one is physically present a you drive away from campus and wave or not…it still will be a process before and after. </p>
<p>In fact, I don’t think my younger one understood what all the hoopla was about until AFTER her sister was gone. Like her goodbye with her older sister that morning she left for her first day of high school and we were then heading to Brown, she almost acted like it was any old goodbye. I was almost shocked at the lack of emotion. And ya know, I guess I was right because she poured out this essay that made ME cry about how she never realized what her sister meant to her until she was GONE from the house. Then it kicked in. Her essay includes a vignette about how when I asked her to set the table that first week and she got out four forks and I asked her to put one away because we only needed three, how it hit her all at once. The emotions all poured out. I had no idea she felt all these things until I read this essay she wrote for her college application…it is quite an essay full of the feelings about this change in her relationship with her sister. </p>
<p>So, again, it is not so much if the second child is AT the drop off but more about the entire transition or change in their life and the life of the family…leading up to that day and afterwards. If you ask me, my girls almost feel closer in some ways since the older one left…or as my D wrote in the essay about turning the corner in their sisterhood from childhood playmate to adult confidante. They might not take dance classes together any longer or sing in the car or eat dinner together or share the bathroom, but they do talk on the phone and in IMs and are very close. The older one talked to the younger one daily when she was in the hospital and she even came all the way home to be with her when she was in surgery. She might be in college now and they don’t live together but they are bonded. </p>
<p>Your two kids will continue their relationship too but it will be on a new level and just differently. </p>
<p>And now when I drop off the second kid, I get to cry alone when I get back home. Don’t wanna think about THAT!!! </p>
<p>Thanks again for your kind words. Where is your D headed? It sounds like her admissions outcome was positive!</p>
<p>To those of you with the likely bratty or catty younger siblings who are better off left behind for the dropoff – as my situation was – I do have some words of consolation.</p>
<p>First of all, age and the age difference is a factor. Both my kids in turn went through a period at age 13 when they were unbearable… I consoled myself by reminding myself frequently, “it’s the hormones talking” and “they will outgrow this stage” – and the resentful daughter that I left home 4 years ago did grow up to be a mature and courteous human being. A 13 year old is a little too young to really relate to the whole college thing, too old and easily jaded to be excited at the prospect, already too embarrassed at the fact that parents exist to be enthusiastic over the prospect of sharing in a family Kodak moment, and too self-centered to make much of an effort to let everyone else enjoy the moment. At least all the 13 years olds I ever knew were pretty hard to deal with. Probably kids who are under 12 or over 16 make better companions. </p>
<p>The second thing is that as soon as the older sibling is off to college, the relationship with younger sibling may take a new turn - usually for the better. You will find yourself feeling angst ridden because your kid hasn’t called in 3 weeks, only to discover one night that college kid and younger sibling have been IM’ing on a daily basis, and younger sib has all the dirt on everything going on in the older one’s life… but won’t tell you. Your phone bill will show calls that older sib made to younger sib, at times that you weren’t home - and you’ll see that they talked for an hour, even though your calls with the college kid last about 5 minutes. (“So, how are things going?” “I dunno, o.k. I guess.” “Do you like your classes?” “I dunno, o.k. I guess”. “How are you and your roommate getting along.” “I dunno, o.k. I guess.” At least this is how my chats with my son usually go.)</p>
<p>So basically, the sibling relationship is about to be taken to a very different plane, more direct, more one-on-one, less influenced by you – although I also discovered that the favorite topic for long-distance sibling communications was “you won’t believe the stupid thing mom just said!” But in the end you will find the sibs may grow much closer, with a new, more mature relationship based on messaging rather than on punching and screeching. </p>
<p>Maybe its just my kids. They’ve always been each others best friends and worst enemies rolled into one.</p>
<p>Soozievt: I guess we are your groupies! Yes, my son’s admissions outcome was positive and he will be going to Middlebury. We are all psyched (or should I say stoked?). Really, thank you. </p>
<p>OMG Calmom, I just realized that when my sons get on this “different plane” that in four years the younger one (as a high school junior) might visit the older one (college senior) at college. (They are 5 years apart.) As I smack my forehead, I wonder why this astonishes me, maybe because I don’t usually visualize them on the same level. All of these years, it’s been the older one and the younger one, the bigger and the smaller. Within 5 years they’ll both have reached their adult size (or close to it) and will be more physically and emotionally similar than ever before, and as you say, their relationship will be more one-on-one and less influenced by me. Just one more example of how this thread is going beyond one car ride to Vermont. </p>
<p>I can accept that this family transition is part of a process that happens over time, both before and after the actual drop-off. (The horse is semi-conscious at this point, whack, whack.) But there’s something about the drop-off trip that has to do with the exact moment one thing ends and another begins. When a child is born, one minute he’s in utero and the next minute he’s out in the world… same exact little person, but everything has changed. You see births on TV, you read about the birth process, you learn the vocabulary, you think you’re prepared but actually experiencing the moment of birth first-hand is completely different and more significant than you expected. </p>
<p>The freshman drop-off is the time when the sun sets on one phase of our family life and the sun rises on a another phase. Both phases are good, though different. I guess that the sun also sets on my most hands-on years of parenting this child, so maybe what I see the sunset, my freshman sees as the sunrise. It’s probably meant to be that way. (If your eyes are glazing over at this point, you can go watch TV with my husband upstairs, who cannot fathom this topic at all!) </p>
<p>If my younger son stays home, I feel that he’d experience a goodbye (sunset) but he wouldn’t go through the early part of the sunrise with us. He can’t understand that this metaphorical sun exists, so he thinks of the trip as a long annoying car ride in the dark. </p>
<p>I’m trying to think of other transitions as significant to our little family as this one will be. All I can come up with is the first day of kindergarten when my kid rode off in the school bus, though that felt more like something was starting rather than ending. Well, okay, and the birth of my second child (again, something ending and something beginning, simultaneously. Different forms of separation, I guess. </p>
<p>(At this point, the horse is barely breathing.) Maybe it’s time to move on from the college admissions process to the family’s transition.</p>
<p>Speckled, I recall all you are writing about (though I never was so eloquent to call it sunrise, sunset…hey, that’s a song…“swiftly through the years…one season following another”…ok, I’ll stop). But back to the feelings at that time…I was teary (as was my husband even) regarding this facet of my D 's life and ours with her ending…18 years of her living at home and all that we shared with her on a daily basis and yes, going to every single event of hers and so on and so forth. It was hard to fathom emotionally even though intellectually we knew this stage of life/parenting/youth had to end. But it was also bittersweet because there was great joy and excitement over her new adventure in college and all that that would bring and how happy we were for her to be having it and richly deserved and she was ready. So, it is so hard to describe but it is like being happy and sad at the same time. And after she left, for a couple weeks, it was hard to not think about it and tear up…things like going to the market and all of a sudden not buying some of the things she liked to have each week or not feeding four people anymore…or going into her room and she was not there, stuff like that. Yet, she was in touch regularly and lucky for me, still sharing everything going on in her life (had such a call from her tonight even). It was not the same as her being here daily but I was still sharing in her life and just in a different way. I got used to it…ya gotta! And I fell into a pattern of adjusting to this new stage of life with her. Now, SHE was fine, I’m just talking about ME! And I have not started to think about how this is gonna happen all over again with the next child who is even leaving a year earlier than planned. I don’t know what I will feel like when I come home next August from dropping both off and neither is here. HELP! Ok, I’ll adjust, I promise. It does help that I know my kids are having a great time. We have been apart before every summer but this is different cause they are not coming back and it is way longer and truly the end of an “era”. </p>
<p>I had no idea your child is going to Middlebury. I only live an hour away. I was just in Middlebury six days ago as that is where the All State Music Festival was held this year and my D was a state scholarship winner and we went to the event (actually the governor lives there and handed her the award). It was in a big ice hockey arena but I do not think it was the college’s. </p>
<p>So, if after you drop your child off, if you wanna meet up for a cry, um, I mean a cup of coffee or a meal, let’s do it. That is if I am not at one of the TWO drop offs I have to do in one week this fall. Contact me when it gets closer, ok? </p>
<p>So…</p>
<p>“When did he get to be so tall?
Wasn’t it yesterday when they
Were small?
Sunrise, Sunset
Sunrise, Sunset
Swiftly flow the days…”</p>
<p>What a lovely thread. And, although I am full of all the emotions all have described, I have to ask a practical question. We have to fly from San Francisco to New Jersey this September. Can anyone who sent a child across the country tell me what they did? I just can’t see all 4 of us flying all that way and staying in a hotel and etc. etc. Also, son&only will have already started sophomore year in high school by then. </p>
<p>However, my 2 are very close, after a wicked wicked start when D - at the age of 3 with a 3 month old baby brother - told me a story. It went like this: Once there was a mommy horse. The mommy horse had a baby horse. Then one day the mommy horse had a baby sheep. Then the mommy horse turned into a mommy sheep and the baby horse didn’t have a mommy any more…</p>
<p>But time passes and kids adjust to having siblings and some times become friends. I think in our house the former baby sheep will be very sad to see his big horse sister fly away. Should I make the out-of-bounds effort to bring him along? I think you will all tell me no, he can visit another time? Or is this one of those moments that are regretted if not well handled?</p>