<p>My 11 and 16 year old are having a hard time getting along. Last night they had an explosion. The 16 yr old who has ADD and other learning issues is coming to the end of the term. He has several big projects due in the next 2 weeks and has struggled with Bio. I have taken over as the Bio tutor so we have been spending hours working together. The effort has been worth it as he had a D first term and now a B.
His sister is having a hard time dealing with the time I am spending with him. Last night after helping her with her essay I told her that she needed to do something quiet since I needed to help her brother. She started with he is stupid and he is not going to even be able to get into college and I spend all my time helping him. He overheard and told her she was selfish and spoiled. She responded that she hates him.He threw 3 sharpee pens across the room at full force at her. She ducked and started to cry and was in shock I think. She ended up in her room crying herself to sleep. He ended up in his room in tears and saying that he hates her. This morning he said he doesn’t think he has ever been so mad in his life as he was at her last night.
When they were younger they were the best of friends. I think my 11 yr old is feeling hurt that her brother doesn’t have time for her anymore and is lashing out. She gets plenty of attention from both parents. They are both to blame. I am not sure if I should intervene or just let them work it out.
What do you say to your child when they say they hate their sibling?</p>
<p>Oh god, my kids told each other they hated each other at least once a week for years. It’s awful. One reason I liked having them at boarding school! However, I would say it beats the indifference I see between my husband and his brothers. They talk to each other about once a year, if that.</p>
<p>I didn’t say much at the time beyond the traditional “some day only the two of you will remember all this and you’ll be glad to talk about it.” </p>
<p>However, it sounds like you need to find something that the two of them can enjoy together–if there is anything–and shut you out of. For my kids, that’s skiing–they love it and I hate it. </p>
<p>I would also make sure you spend some time with your daughter doing something just for her, even if it’s only a little time each day. Preferably something your son has ZERO interest in.</p>
<p>The last time my son said he “hated” his sister (he was about 9 or 10) I said, OK why don’t you draw a picture of her, take it out to the field and use it for target practice with your BB gun. He did.</p>
<p>I know this is not PC, however, he was able to vent his anger, I acknowleged his anger and said it was OK, it was done with a sense of humor, he appreciated that it was totally Non PC, and his anger at his sister evaporated.</p>
<p>People frequently comment on how well my two get along, and they really do.</p>
<p>I tend to be a bit eccentric in my parenting, but I guess, what I’ve learned is that my kids appreciate it when I acknowlege their anger, or sadness, or frustration, or worry and keep it real. I don’t try to deny them their feelings.</p>
<p>When they were little and asked whose drawing was best, I picked one, and then told them why one was better than the other. Kids usually appreciate honesty over “niceness”.</p>
<p>The only way I would intervene is by saying something like ‘I hope you two will work this out between you, I expect better behavior from both of you’… [so you acknowlege it has occurred, but you give them the responsibility to sort it out]. That being said, kids are why parents have grey hair :)<br>
Best Wishes to you & your family.</p>
<p>I would tell them that you expect them to be civil to each other, which means keeping hurtful thoughts to themselves.</p>
<p>My daughters were close until the older one entered middle school. The oldest then entered the preteen/teen world and left her sister behind - the younger one was happy to still be a kid (they are just over two years apart).</p>
<p>It was very sad for the younger one. </p>
<p>Now that my younger daughter is in 7th grade, the differences are less pronounced, but it will be awhile before they see themselves as peers again. (The younger one is still not keen on the whole preteen/teen world.)</p>
<p>At this point, my daughters band together the most when left alone together (for example, a visit to their grandparents without me there).</p>
<p>god i’m 20 and my sister is 24 and we hate each other - except when we get along. its a brother sister thing…don’t worry about it, that crap blows over fast.</p>
<p>OMG
well I have to warn you- that even with my 23 yr old who was one of the easiest children to raise that I can imagine, 12 years old was the toughest year.</p>
<p>I haven’t heard them use “hate” with each other- but for other things usually, if I am calm I try to use active listening- without being condescending, say that they seem really mad, but that “hate” is a pretty strong cruel word"
What we used quite a bit when they were younger and I probably could drag it out again, was Jane Nelsens Positive Discipline. IT had a technique for regular family meetings that gave everyone a chance to express positve and negative thoughts, but in a structured way. I would recommend it.</p>
<p>When they were younger than 11- although it still might work- we also had a box in the living room, that you could stand in and say whatever you wanted- you didn’t leave the box till you were calm
It seemed to help because it was actually a physical box- it seemed to help place parameters on behavior.
Older D didnt’ use it much, but younger D did- me too. :)</p>
<p>I would definitely intervene because neither really has the skills to deal with their changing relationship
Older son, because he has ADD which seems to make kids much more impulsive, and also because he is having academic stresses, and younger daughter because even if her brother didn’t have these academic challenges and ADD, their relationship would be changing just becuase he is now becoming a young adult, and she is still in childhood. Probably some envy going on on both sides.</p>
<p>My parents didnt’ intervene really with my sibling fights,and while I mostly just locked myself in my room, I didn’t see the modeling of how to work things out, so I have had to learn a lot on my own.
if you feel like you can assist, i would do so- but I also wouldn’t cricitize you if you feel the need to lock yourself in the bathoom occasionally</p>
<p>I remember the age of 11 being a tough one with both of my boys. They were much nicer to be around when they reached 12. 15-16 was another rough age, as I recall. So you may have the problem of each of them going through a rough stage at the same time! (Lucky you!)</p>
<p>My boys (3-1/2 years apart) hardly ever got along when they were young. My older has Tourette’s, which compounded the usual sibling rivalry, as I’m sure the ADD does with yours. However, the good news: after years of fighting (most of it verbal, thank goodness!), a couple of years ago they suddenly started getting along, and they haven’t fought for quite some time. Of course, they were 20 and 16/17 when that change came about. But at least it DID come.</p>
<p>One thing I did do with my sons when they were younger and fought so much was remind them that one day, when their Dad and I are dead and gone, the only ones they will have with whom to share childhood memories will be each other. I told them that friends may come and go, but siblings are forever, so it would be really nice if they tried to make that relationship a good one. It didn’t seem to make much difference at the time, but they still remember me telling them that, so maybe it did have some little impact.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>My sister and I fought when we were young and we get along very well as adults. My kids fight. I hate it. Lately , the conflicts are between the 12 year old and the 19 year old (he’s gone at college most of the time, so it’s better than it was), and the 12 year old and the 7 year old, and the 12 year old and me! The others seem to have mostly worked things out and get along okay most of the time. I agree with the others that 11 or 12 years old is a hard age, a time when kids are very critical of themselves and others and express it sometimes ugly ways (esp to family members!), so it should get better eventually.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. It is so frustrating to hear them fight. I see the time left at home all together is so short and I hate that they spend that time fighting. The 11 yr old also fought a lot with the 18 yr old who is away at college this past year as well. For the most part she is nice and gets along well with friends and peers. I think she is frustrated that she doesn’t get enough of them. She gets plenty of Mom and Dad time. She has several interests that she shares with her Dad and they have alone time together. She is definitely not lacking for attention.
She is busy this afternoon and I hope that by the evening things between them have settled down.
The next big problem is that I just saw that the corner of the Corian kitchen counter is splattered with blue sharpie permanent ink. I have it soaking with ajax with bleach but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Any ideas? I am really going to be mad if this fight results in permanent damage to the kitchen counter top!</p>
<p>Ink should come out when the Corian is rubbed out with a scrubbing pad. Try it and see.</p>
<p>Would rubbing alcohol work? Funny coincidence, my 7 year old wrote in blue sharpie on the bathroom counter a couple of weeks ago, but it mostly came out with rubbing alcohol. It wasn’t corian though, some sort of plastic, granite looking material.</p>
<p>My 12 year old, no one would believe how she acts at home these days, she is friendly, a high achiever, sweet when she is at school or with her friends (and she used to be this way at home too!) And it is not like she is bad all the time at home, just has these <em>moments</em> and <em>moods.</em> She does get along pretty well with two of her four siblings, thank goodness!</p>
<p>hair spray gets ink out clothes…?</p>
<p>I don’t think you should tolerate a 16 year old boy throwing stuff at (or hitting) an 11 yr old girl, even if it is his sister. funny, my sister is 5 years younger than me, and we didn’t get along at all growing up, but I don’t think I was physically beating on her when I was 16 and she was 11… don’t recall, I will have to ask her! </p>
<p>I am also sympathetic towards your D because our older son has required much much more parental support than the younger son. We have on occasion referred to him as the resource hog.</p>
<p>The ink came out. I ended up making a paste of baking soda and water.
NJres- I was shocked that he threw the pens at her. It is not his personality. He is actually of my kids the most level-headed. She hit a nerve with him. My initial reaction was to hold him more accountable as he is older and should know better. After reading about 12 year olds I realize that she is equally to blame.
They both ended up having to stay home this coming weekend. For my son it hurts as he has been on a short leash lately and this weekend was to be the first that he had a little more freedom.
They are both still angry at each other and not speaking and both still blame the other.
My gray is multiplying daily.</p>