<p>This is about me and my life, yes egocentric :(</p>
<p>I’m very anal about avoiding anything synthetic. I slogged through years of depression without seeking treatment because I’m uneasy about artificial substances that might change my personality; I avoid caffeine, and similar energy drinks, because the thought of dependency makes me queasy; and I even realized that I resist study habits and organizational techniques that feel unnatural to me because I’m a staunch believer in “natural” abilities and innate temperaments. I’m amazingly stubborn and conservative.</p>
<p>A few months ago, I was diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia - basically, I have the tendency to sleep too much, such that I’m usually described as lethargic and unfocused. In other words, I’m borderline narcoleptic; the idiopathic part just means that doctors have no idea why I am this way. My sleep doctor highly recommended that I take “wakefulness” pills, which, while FDA approved and supposedly safe, are idiopathic themselves because doctors have no idea why they work. Treating an unknown disorder with an unknown drug does not appeal to me.</p>
<p>I left the consultation with a promise to make my decision later, but the doctor left me with a chilling reminder that “most people with this disorder will be categorized as lazy and indolent, and most lead frustrating and unproductive lives”. I’ve considered her words carefully over the past few months and raised my awareness of my fluctuating states of being by consciously studying myself.</p>
<p>As someone who avoids large amounts of sugar to avoid the high-low rush, I have come to the disturbing conclusion that I subject myself to the same vicious cycle every day by NOT doing something about my disorder. While everyone is, to a degree, a slave of their energy levels, my master is particularly harsh. When most people are experiencing a natural low in their wakefulness in the early afternoon, I sleep during class as a routine. Reading books and watching TV can lead to my dozing off in less than half an hour, physical activity is hard to initiate and maintain, and the incessant state of lethargy that I’m in inhibits me on the most mundane level so that I find conversations tiring and others find me unreceptive and cold even. Though I know it’s an unprovable stretch, I cannot help but ponder and speculate that my personality (aloof, introverted, taciturn) and activities (mostly ADD-clicking all over the Internet, an exercise that combines physical complacence and mental distraction) have been predetermined by my sleep condition.</p>
<p>Today, I read an article about a famous mathematician who, though consistently reliant on caffeine, Prozac, and amphetamines, produced some of the most brilliant work in his field. Yet, when challenged to abandon his chemical aids for a month, was unable to produce any work at all; he could, then, attribute his success almost entirely to his willingness to use any tool at his disposal to generate a mental edge. The entire Industrial Revolution and Enlightenment, I read, could be traced back to the new prevalence of stimulants. Man equipped with caffeine, let alone the rest of the pharmaceutical spectrum, essentially opens up his life to a wide array of possibilities. </p>
<p>Am I just being a stubborn fool, unwilling to cope with the inevitability of change, to my own strong detriment? I have intellectual potential, most of it untapped, and the most accomplished people in human history uniformly attribute their acclaim to their work ethic, persevation, determinatinon, etc. that all lead back to one thing: energy levels.</p>
I mean, ideally none of us would need to put “synthetic” things into our bodies, but I’d rather have an artificial heart than be dead, and I’d rather be on medication than been sleepy all the time!</p>