<p>With DS taking off for college next year, wife and daughter are considering perhaps bringing one to the house.</p>
<p>I’m not opposed by any stretch, but DD will most likley bear the burden of spending more time with her than either wife or I will.</p>
<p>How has it affected your son or daughter?</p>
<p>we haven’t- our house is way too small- but we have had friends who have and it was a great experience- some are now in the habit of doing so every year.</p>
<p>The kids who do exchange are very nice kids- very motivated and bright. My daughter has a good friend right now who is an exchange student from Norway- great kid.</p>
<p>We didn’t, but a brother-in-law did. So my 2 nieces both made a great friend from Italy, and ended up visiting her there a few years later, just for a week.
That student was upbeat and delightful.</p>
<p>Actually, my bro-in-law didn’t expect to host anybody. He “rescued” her from the host family she lived with. The girls all met in h.s. and they could see that the Italian girl had been placed into a child-less family, and was very unhappy there. It was delicate but they managed to re-place the girl into his home, with the two h.s.-aged daughters, without insulting the first host family tooo much. (Actually, that first host family was in charge of placing students throughout the community.) The Italian girl flourished when she was moved into a livelier home with agemates.</p>
<p>Honestly, that’s l00% of what I know, so I can’t field follow-up questions.</p>
<p>What we did that was somewhat related was bring in college-aged student interns for
Winter Term (4 weeks of January), moving them in to older S and D’s bedrooms, all while youngest S was in high school.</p>
<p>The highschool S found it very interesting, helped cure his loneliness for older sibs however briefly, enjoyed listening to music from one of the students who was a classical pianist. So it broadened S’ horizons. Of course he was a few years younger and looked up to those students. </p>
<p>He got more out of the experience when we brought in one boy rather than 2 girls. With girls, he kind of dodged around them with the shared bathroom, and didn’t relate as strongly.</p>
<p>Also, when we brought in the boy, the student himself had less built-in company, so tried harder to connect with the other young person in the house. </p>
<p>It was very important to observe some boundaries and pre-warn the h.s. student about sharing bathrooms, things he hadn’t yet encountered. </p>
<p>ALSO: just remembering, “Back in the day” my H recalls how his mom (who raised 5 boys) began filling up those bedrooms with foreign exchange students. She was a real stay-at-home mom and it filled a need of hers to have lively conversation in the household. I don’t know how the younger brothers enjoyed it, as my H was one of the older ones whose bed got used up. The students wrote to my MIL for years afterwards.</p>
<p>Remembering one more thing: we forewarned and reminded youngest S to let the visiting student establish more privacy boundaries than he was used to seeing from his older sibs. Youngest S is a “chat” whose sibs had open-door policies towards each other when all lived at home growing up.
When the younger one sees somebody move into the exact same bed or room, it can trigger the old behaviors including excessive expectations to spend time together. Sometimes that’s just “too much” for the visiting student.
We established the common rooms for talk-areas and let the visiting students know they could close their bedroom doors, too, and we as a family wouldn’t take insult.</p>
<p>One reason not to do it would be if you have a chat with the younger one and find out she’s been waiting for years to have your attention. We’ve had only the youngest S at home now for 4 years and have gotten to know him so much better. He had been somewhat lost in the commotion with the older sibs. I wouldn’t trade these last years of 3-way dinner conversations.
It’s usually a balance between the younger sib hoping for more parental attention, weighed against missing the moved-away sibs’ company. It’s certainly worth a heart-to-heart talk with the h.s. student. Hehe, I bet you’ve already done so. Parents who’d open their homes to another generally open their hearts to their own kids!!</p>
<p>In terms of cultural differences, I’d only be wary of a student who was accustomed to servants at home or de facto maid-service from a mother. As a working mom, I wouldn’t have wanted to replace this role; and you don’t want your D to, either.</p>
<p>Great insight people! Keep 'em coming.</p>
<p>I don’t think I would too concerned about DS (Rising Junior) not getting enough attention. If anything else, my wife and I sometimes feel like WE don’t get enough attention from the kidlets now.</p>
<p>This deal has loads of upside and very little down side. I was only concerned if DD would feel put out by having a sidekick, we’ll talk further about it. Although, I don’t think she will really know for sure. There are at least a half dozen or so FE students at the HS now, and DD has befriended all of them. But going to band or play practice and an occaisional bite to eat at a local resaurant, is a little different from the potential of the other constantly being underfoot.</p>
<p>We hosted a German exchange student last year, and it was a wonderful experience. Our D was a junior, and sounds much like your son–always making friends with and supporting the exchange students. </p>
<p>The fall was great, and D helped our “German daughter” establish her own set of friends, mainly through athletics. My one small piece of advice would be, after an adjustment period, to set the pattern of allowing, even expecting S to have his own social life, and to not have to include the exchange student in everything (and vice versa). Similarly, I often did things with each girl separately. The enforced independence seemed both to force the FE student to make her own social bonds and to keep a major source of resentment under control.</p>
<p>The group that sponsored our student also had a great list of matters to discuss at the beginning of the year to avoid misunderstandings. (Our student was surprised, for example, that everyone at our house is in charge of doing their own laundry and other simple things like that.)</p>
<p>Once the honeymoon phase was over, our two had their tensions, but by the end of the year they were fast friends On balance, it was just a fabulous year.</p>
<p>Our kids convinced us to host a student from the Ukraine for an academic year through AYUSA - an organization which does a wonderful job of preparing and mentoring both the host parents and the inbound students. </p>
<p>It was a wonderful experience for our family. The most freeing thing we were told before our student arrived was that our own children should not feel totally responsible for the social life of the exchange student. If the kids “clicked” and ended up being best friends - great. Otherwise, the exchange students were ultimately responsible for meeting people, making their own friends and planning their own social lives, within the context of our family. That’s why they chose to do an exchange.</p>
<p>We still e-mail and call our “adopted” daughter. After the year was over, my youngest decided she wanted to do an exchange, so next year, she’ll spend her senior year of high school in Cordoba, Argentina, with Rotary. She can’t wait.</p>
<p>We hosted a student from China through AFS. It actually turned out pretty good because my son, who was a junior at the time, was in Washington D.C. the first semester so our AFS student was forced to make his own friends and learn the ropes without the advantage of a “host sibling.” By the time my son returned from D.C. (second semester) our Chinese son had his own life. I can see how easy it would be for a foriegn exchange student to become very dependent on host siblings and that could create a real burden on your children. There was another situation in our town where the foriegn exchange girl who was quite beautiful and outgoing very quickly became popular and was invited to many parties and had lots of dates. Unfortunately, her host sister was not and this created am lot of tension in the family. I think the girl eventually found another family to host her.</p>
<p>At any rate, it was a wonderful experience for us–we still hear from our Chinese son–and my only regret is that my son did not take advantage of having him in our home and learning a little bit about China and the language.</p>
<p>We’ve hosted several students for relatively brief periods: middle-schoolers from France for 3 weeks (this was arranged privately) and from Japan for 2 weeks (through a day camp that launched my son’s continuing study of Japanese), two high school aged cousins from Shanghai for a month (here for an intensive English program sponsored by EF), and a graduate student from China for a semester (here as a Tulane post-Katrina refugee). We also had a 19 year old young woman from Denmark living with us as an au pair for a year when my children were very young.</p>
<p>These experiences differed from one another in some important ways, but the differences had more to do with the personalities of each of the kids than anything else. In the aggregate, hosting these kids was enormous fun and tremendously rewarding. Having them live with us taught my kids that the world is a very small place and that it is natural to interact with people with all kinds of backgrounds. They are very comfortable with the idea of traveling to foreign lands on their own; my daughter, who’s currently doing study abroad in college, has been to more countries since her middle school days than I can count and my son, whose favorite subjects are foreign languages and world history and international affairs, will be departing for a month of homestay and high school in Japan in just a few weeks.</p>
<p>We were fortunate in that all the kids who stayed with us were great kids, but being who I am I couldn’t help but feel responsible for the quality of their days to pretty much the same extent as those of my own children. Not only did my kids grow pretty close with our guests, but I had quite a few “mother-child” conversations that reminded me that cultural differences are nothing compared to the similarities in how all children go about finding their place in the world both figuratively and literally as they grow up. I’d summarize our experiences as being wonderful but somewhat tiring. We’d considered hosting another student for a year, but decided to postpone doing so in order to avoid overloading our plates at the moment.</p>
<p>We are currently hosting an exchange student from a very rural part of Provence France. This exchange was arranged through my son’s independent school that has its own (outbound) independent year abroad program. </p>
<p>I would say that the right fit is crucial. We are in the midst of a bad fit. I have had more parent teacher meetings, phone calls, and angst with this kid in 4 months that I had with both my sons put together over the last 20 years! The bad fit in this case is that a college preparatory independent school accepted an applicant (with learning differences) from a vo-ag program. They’d had a successful exchange with a girl from a tech program and didn’t see why not being on a college prep program would be a problem.</p>
<p>The boy is having culture shock. The country mouse thought he was going to the big city (NYC) but ended up in suburbia (Fairfield County). And then school culture shock – the expectations are much higher than he’s used to in terms of behavior, dress codes, and performance. </p>
<p>My son will be going to France in the fall for a years exchange, although not with this boy’s family. The benefits to us from the exchange have been that our son will know another family in the same region, and our son has been exposed to a lot of information about France that’s not as romanticized as the travel posters. I think our son is much more prepared than he would be otherwise for this adventure.</p>
<p>We’ll muddle through the rest of the semester with our exchange student – and I would probably do it again if I had better screening from the school (who has also learned a lot about the inbound application review process!).</p>
<p>Those of you who are thinking of hosting through AFS etc will probably have a more thorough screening and have a more motivated exchange student than in our case.</p>
<p>Good info. Thanks again everyone. </p>
<p>Now, at our HS, these FE students come for sometimes two or three years. Also, it is a Private, Catholic HS, and the main perk is a discount on the tuition (for us). This will help us out a bit, as DS matriculates to college.</p>
<p>In the event that we get a Junior (DD is a rising Junior) would you think we would then feel obligated to sign up with it for 2 years? Nevermind, I already know the answer…I don’t really have to do anything related to this.</p>
<p>I have heard from some of our locals who have hosted, and they say very similar remarks about assuring a fit. </p>
<p>I think I can assess pretty well, who might be a good fit or a high risk. Supposedly, these students are pretty well off financially…</p>
<p>Sounds like the school will be anxious for a good fit as well then. </p>
<p>Our particular issue is more that the goals of our exchange student (have fun, learn some English, party, see the States) are at odds with the goals of our school.</p>
<p>pjp116,
I used to work for an exchange program full time. In the course of that, I hosted several students, some for a full year, some because they were having problems.<br>
Please read this post carefully.
It is VERY important that you find out what the support system of the program is. Like cnp55 said, sometimes you get a bad fit. </p>
<p>Many of the kids come over thinking they are going to be in a big city, meet Madonna, and travel easily all over the US. </p>
<p>You can go from New York to Miami in one day by car, can’t you? (joking here, obviously…but that is what they truly think before they get here. Many of them can’t understand how large our country is.) </p>
<p>Additionally, assume the worst before you take this on. Assume you are going to get a student who is not a fit as a friend for your DD. Assume they are going to be more like warring siblings then friends. Particularly with two high school girls. </p>
<p>Assume this girl is going to want to party a lot, or is going to be unsure about our country, etc. </p>
<p>If you are doing this because you truly want to provide a service, are really willing to parent (not friend) this student, and are the kind of family that is willing to open your hearts and take a chance, go for it. </p>
<p>Be prepared that it may not turn out the way you want it to and make sure the organization has a plan to move the student should it become necessary and that they have counseling, etc. nearby to help the student settle in. </p>
<p>We have some exchange students at our local high school. One day a teacher friend of mine asked some local students which they didn’t include the exchange students, say invite them to a movie. One student responded “I feel like I barely fit in. How can I take a chance to invite someone else along with a group I feel unsure of?” </p>
<p>That pretty much summed it up for me. </p>
<p>Note: Please do not slam me for posting this negatively. I have a LOT of experience with this stuff and I just want to bring up all the bad possibilities so that anyone who does this goes in with their eyes open and prepared for the worst. </p>
<p>That said, I have students who we hosted who are now adults that 20 years later I am still in touch with.</p>
<p>Yes, our family has hosted many times and I think it was one of the best things that we’ve done as a family.</p>
<p>We first hosted, for 6 months, a wonderful girl from Turkey when our kids were 10 & 7. Later we hosted about 5 times for the bus stop tours, 2-3 kids for about 5 days in the summer-easy. And then also for a month each w/a sister city exchange a boy from Germany, later a girl from Germany and a separate Catholic school exchange with a boy from Spain when my son was a senior. They hit it off well and my son added him and another exchange student to his rec. soccer team which was a bonus for the boys.</p>
<p>We are still in touch with the students and they are amazing. The father from Turkey has been here to visit and I think all of our paths will all cross again.</p>
<p>Note: as a parent you may be doing extra driving-they aren’t permitted. Some families like to have a driving age child to help out with this.</p>
<p>I posted so quickly, because we had such good experiences that I didn’t read everyone else’s answeres.</p>
<p>I do think that the post from ebeeeee is correct-things can go wrong, I have seen/heard that myself with other families here. Our Turkish daughter came to us for the second half of the school year after a bad fit with the original families. There was a support group in place to work out the details.</p>
<p>I haven’t hosted, but wanted to share a slight twist on the idea. When my sister’s son left for college her daughter didn’t want to be an “only” so they looked into hosting, but chose to host a boy. That avoided the problem of “what if my friends don’t like this girl?” Worked out perfectly - he became another son in the family and has remained so through the years. Fit is still important, this kid happened to click with the family. I don’t know how you can determine that ahead of time…</p>
<p>We hosted two a couple of years apart. Both were were Japanese girls. Both were positive experiences, but we grew much closer to the second than the first, probably because she was an outgoing 19-year old college student with decent English skills instead of a shy 15-year old high school student with limited English. </p>
<p>But both girls were very polite and eager help out and did not cause any trouble. They each wept when when it was time to go home. Nearly 20 years on we still get Christmas cards from the second one. She finished her education and became an architect in Japan.</p>
<p>I have not exactly hosted strange students, but I had nieces from Paris staying with me for long stretches of time. One niece decided to attend our local school. She was 17 and used to staying late and going out on her own and walking in the dark. I was concerned for her safety. I had some not too happy trans-Atlantic phone calls with my brother over this issue. Another problem is that my niece is known throughout the extended family as a phone hog. She ran $$hundreds in her first month here, chatting with chums back home. Otherwise, we had a great time. She is a gregarious girl and made friends easily. I’m expecting another niece to come stay for a while in a year or so.</p>
<p>First story:</p>
<p>I made friends with an Italian girl staying with a friend’s family and attending my high school. She hated her host family and they looked down on her. It was a nightmare for both her and the family. She became best friends with me and MY girlfriend (are you keep this straight?) and it ended up causing strain between my, my GF and the host family (including twin daughters who were close friends with my GF). They resented the fact that their host daughter “stole” their friends. Whew. Anyway – poor fit, unhappy year.</p>
<p>Second story:</p>
<p>My HS senior GF (I was a college freshman) had an exchange student from South Africa. The SA girl had already graduated HS in SA (southern hemisphere schedule), and was already 18. The girl from SA was a terrible fit. She violated house rules repeatedly, including smoking in the backyard and sneaking her new American BF into her bedroom for sexual adventures. She would also sneak out after bedtime and not return (drunk) until the wee hours. My GF’s family was neat, organized, honest, sober, and open with one another. The exchange student was manipulative, dishonest, and generally a really bad fit. Everyone was glad when it was over.</p>
<p>No judgment here – just the only two exchange students I have any real knowledge of.</p>