<p>Ho-ho-ho! Merry Ramahannuchristmakwanzavus! </p>
<p>Hey Laaaay-deee! The Christmas letter from the cats has finally arrived. It came in what we now consider to be the ultimate infantilization of sluggdad’s father, which we thought we had already witnessed when Pretty Lady asked Old Dude at a family gathering if “the baby was hungry?” Twelve jaws dropped to the floor, and it seemed like 20 minutes before Old Dude was able to respond. If something like this had occurred at a family reunion on my side of the family, the response would have been quick and deadly. Something along the lines of, What the f—?! as everyone in the room sprouted new body hair, popped another beer, and contemplated how to clock Pretty Lady.</p>
<p>But, in sluggdad’s family, they ignore Pretty Lady’s soul-sucking degradation, so everybody just squirmed and looked nervously around the room for a clock. This year’s Christmas card from the cats was a Photoshopped old-timey photograph of baby Old Dude in a diaper. Not the grown-up version of Old Dude in a diaper (poke my eyes out), but a pic of Old Dude as a baby. It would have made some sense if he’d been dressed as Baby New Year, but it was just a picture of my FIL propped up in a chair. No holly, no baby-size wrapped present, no snow, not a hint of Christmas or New Year’s anywhere. And, when we opened the card…We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Again…What-the-F*#@?! Who? I see one baby, and that’s it! My diaper, my shoes, the chair, the curtain, and I all wish you a Merry Christmas!…this would actually make more sense. ;)</p>
<p>Okay, here’s the letter from the cats. Oh, btw – he kidnapped another neighbor’s cat this year, so there are three cats, now: Squeak, Panther, and Alex.</p>
<p>*Hi, this is Squeak. It is my turn once again to write to you about the adventures of Old Dude, Pretty Lady, Panther, and me. This letter will be a little more polished than last year’s Christmas letter because Old Dude has been reading, “The Writer’s Art,” articles to me.<a href=“Whatever.%20%20The%20cat’s%20a%20f#%@ing%20intellectual.”>/i</a></p>
<p>*It was a long, hot summer this year.<a href=“Uh%20huh,%20summers%20in%20the%20middle%20of%20the%20Nevada%20desert%20tend%20to%20get%20that%20way.”>/i</a> *Old Dude’s “cat house,”<a href=“Gee,%20I’ve%20never%20heard%20that%20reference%20in%20Nevada%20before”>/i</a> which is the name of the shed where we cats live, has a heater for the cold weather, but no cooler for the hot weather. So, a miracle occurred! We cats were allowed in the house when Pretty Lady went on trips to visit her sisters!</p>
<p>Note: On the day of our wedding 27 years ago, I saw my future mother-in-law call the Pound on a 10-week old kitten who happened to wander into their back yard…</p>
<p>*We had a great time jumping up on the kitchen table and clawing the back of the sofa! But, if Panther<a href=“the%20black%20cat”>/i</a> *got up on the wrong piece of furniture, Pretty Lady would go ballistic when she got back from her trip. Panther is a quick learner<img src=“An%20effing%20genius,%20apparently…” alt=“/i”> *Being in the house was a little bit of Heaven! Old Dude and Pretty Lady went on several trips together this year. During those, we were taken care of by Old Faithful Lorraine.<a href=“I%20wonder%20if%20Lorraine,%20their%20housekeeper,%20appreciates%20being%20called%20%22Old%20Faithful%22%20in%20the%20Christmas%20letter%20that%20was%20sent%20out%20to%20122%20people%20this%20year.”>/i</a> They went on two Elderhostel adventures: Philadelphia and Manchester, N.H. While in Manchester, they dropped in on Old Dude’s first cousin, Rod, and his wife, Marge, and his daughter from his first marriage, Annalynn. </p>
<p>Okay, so what was up with Marge? Was she Rod’s trophy wife 30 years ago? Is she a gold-digger and just married 82-year old Rod? Is Annalynn the only kid who still speaks to Old Rod? In the 33 years that I’ve known Old Dude, I’ve never heard him mention his cousin, Rod, so they’re not exactly close. Switching gears, now…</p>
<p>Pretty Lady left Old Dude with us (cats) and took two trips by herself. The first trip was with two friends to visit another friend in Texas. The second trip was to visit her sisters, her brother, a niece, a great nephew, the niece’s best friend and her husband, the mother of the niece’s best friend, and the neighbor of one of Pretty Lady’s sisters. </p>
<p>Omigod, did they leave anyone out?! They neglected to mention the pitbull of the neighbor, the great nephew’s hamster, and the parakeet of the niece’s mother. I’m sure that these pets were insulted.</p>
<p>Old Dude, Panther, and I missed her, but we clawed the back of the sofa, anyway. Old Dude lost track of which was the “off limits” furniture. Is it just me, or is Old Dude a tad passive aggressive when it comes to these cats and Pretty Lady? If it were up to her, she’d shove each one of them into a potato gun and shoot it across the alley into the neighbors’ yards.</p>
<p>In November, they went to a four-generation reunion at Old Dude’s nephew’s house in Wisconsin. Old Dude and Pretty Lady told us that it was a treaured event! Of course, Old Faithful Lorraine took care of us. 
I happen to know that Old Faithful Lorraine is a chain smoker, has a bad back, and carpal tunnel syndrome. She could use the extra cash during the holidays. If the cats could really talk, they’d probably say that she booted their asses out of the house the entire time that Old Dude and Pretty Lady were away.</p>
<p>And, finally…a merciful end to this Christmas letter from the cats: Have a wonderful holiday! We hope 2008 will be good to you.</p>
<p>Kitty P.S. Things will continue to suck for Pretty Lady because Old Dude will keep letting us in the house when she’s gone! :D</p>
Pass the iced tea.</p>