<p>So I have this boyfriend and we love to spend the night together. The problem is that we both are in the dorms and both have roommates. Now, each time before we spend the night with each other, we ask the roommate and they usually say it’s fine. We are respectful to the roommates and literally do nothing but study, watch netflix, and then go to sleep cuddling. It’s not obnoxious PDA like it could be. It helps both of us to sleep together because we are also both confirmed insomniacs. But I really don’t want him to over stay his welcome and I don’t want to overstay my welcome. Personally, if my roommate wanted a guy to sleep over every night I would have no issue with it if they were respectful. So what do y’all think? Have my boyfriend and I crossed the line and started to push our roommates too far? What would you do if you were the roommate in this situation?</p>
<p>When you say roommate, I am assuming that you are sharing an actual bedroom with your roommate (as opposed to having your own room with a suite).</p>
<p>Personally, I would think it was weird to sleep in the same room with my roommate cuddled up in bed with her boyfriend. I’d feel awkward about it. I’d understand it a couple times a month (maybe like up to 4-5, non-consecutively) but more than that it would get to be a problem. It’s not just about what you’re doing together, but about always having someone else in my room. That means if I want to get dressed or undressed, I have to go in the bathroom; if I want to just chill and watch my own TV in my pajamas or a t-shirt, I can’t do that; and traditional rooms are small enough for 2 people, let alone 3. Plus, what if I want to have my own friends in the room from time to time? How are we going to cram all those people in there? It’s not just about the PDA. Sometimes you just want to chill in your own room with nobody but the other people who actually belong there.</p>
<p>I think that although you and the boyfriend really like to spend time together, you have to understand the constraints of living in the residence hall with a shared room. You unfortunately can’t sleep over all the time the way you would if you had apartments or something. If you just watch Netflix and study, why can’t you do that in the lounge (using a headphone splitter if there are other people there)? And you probably need to find another way to get over your insomnia.</p>
<p>If it’s a shared suite and you two don’t share an actual bedroom, I wouldn’t care at all.</p>
<p>Do you take turns being at each others rooms?So sometimes your roommate gets the room to herself?</p>
<p>Honestly I would ask her how often she thinks is reasonable.</p>
<p>"Roomie…I want to thank you for being accomodating and letting BF stay over some nights. We do try to be respectful of you! It really helps us sleep. However, as this is half your room, I just wanted to ask if you feel we are over doing it or is 3 (or whatever) nights a week okay. Or if there are any other issues, let me know.’</p>
<p>As long as you ask this is very normal. Done this myself, had my roommate do it to me. At least here college tends to just be one giant sleepover. As long as everyone is respectful about it, which you appear to be doing, its fine.</p>
<p>I personally would have hated it. Your roommate is paying for a double not a triple room and one reason people do this is for privacy. By constantly having someone there and of the opposite sex, that is completely gone. I’d have requested a roommate change by end of semester for sure.</p>
<p>Consider the possibility that your roommates don’t really mean it when they say they don’t mind. Many people will agree to something when it happens the first time because they don’t realize there will be a 20th time, or they don’t realize that they will feel differently by the 20th time; but by then, they feel that it’s too late to object.</p>
<p>Dorm rooms are not that big. Most likely, you are both inconveniencing your roommates. I am sure the one roommate that gets to spend the night in the room alone is the happier of the two. </p>
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<p>This was what I was going to say.</p>
<p>I would be annoyed by it, especially if it’s happening every night or every other night. Dorm rooms are small and it’s bad enough having to share with one person, let alone two. The respectful thing to do for both of your roommates would be to sleep in your own rooms, at least for most of the week. Just having a third person around all of the time can be annoying, and having you two cuddling every night can be awkward. Doing it every once in a while is fine, but doing it every night or even every other night is excessive.</p>
<p>I personally think you should both learn other ways to cope with your insomnia or look for off campus housing where you can live together. If you guys can’t handle sleeping apart from each other, then you really shouldn’t be living with roommates.</p>
<p>My roommate and I were best friends in high school, and both of us are in serious relationships. We are also both friends with each others’ significant others, so it makes things easier. When we got onto campus (and even beforehand), we sat down and talked about how we wanted things to work with our boyfriends staying over and came to an agreement that usually works out so that neither of us has to be in the room with the other person’s boyfriend. </p>
<p>But sometimes her boyfriend does spend the night while I’m there, and while I don’t really mind it because I’m friends with him, it can sometimes feel a little awkward for me. I sort of feel like a third wheel when I engage in conversation with them, and when they’re cuddling on the bed I try to look away, and ti makes it so that I can’t change or get ready for bed in the room. Again, it’s not awful because we’re all friends and it doesn’t happen every night.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine how it would be if I weren’t friends with everyone involved. It would be really awkward, but I would probably be too nice to say anything about it. My guess is that she does feel awkward or uncomfortable or like this is an invasion of her privacy. You should ask her and maybe sit down and actually formulate a plan for where you and your boyfriend will be on what days and make sure she really truly agrees with it.</p>
<p>I think it is really rude and obnoxious to do that to a roommate. That is such an invasion of someone’s space. Don’t do it. Or if you must, do it rarely, on a weekend. If you are in the same room, the roommate minds, trust me. </p>
<p>For those saying the roommate definitely minds, I mean, this just isn’t true. I was that roommate and I genuinely didn’t mind. Didn’t care if we were all in the room awake, and didn’t care when it was time to sleep because I was unconscious. This <em>completely</em> varies from person to person and of course others will feel differently and that’s absolutely fine. But I just want to refute the idea that there’s no way the roommate doesn’t have a problem with it. OP, I’d ask. Something like “hey! I really appreciate you letting John come over so much. But I totally understand if it’s too much…do you want to set a guideline about having overnight guests? Should we limit it to a certain number of nights a week/month, or are you okay with a ‘whenever’ policy?” I personally would see nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>What @rebeccar said. I know many who have genuinely no problem with it. But caution is best, make sure youre clear how much it will be happening with your roommate and if it is acceptable or needs to be lessened/stopped</p>
<p>I think @WasatchWriter is right. Based on conversations I’ve had, it’s rare that a roommate will actually want to get into an argument over this kind of thing, especially if the two of you aren’t long-time friends or something. They will say, “it’s fine” regardless of whether or not they are actually OK with it. That’s why it’s incumbent on you with setting a limit on how often you do this. If your boyfriend is over so often that he is essentially a 3rd roommate, then maybe tone it down a little. That doesn’t mean that you guys can’t sleep together often, it just may mean that you guys should alternate between your place and his so that your roommate isn’t always the one who has to share a room with a total stranger. </p>
<p>You’re not doing anything wrong and of course there’s a good chance that your roommate is fine with it, but I just think it’s a good idea to err on the side of politeness and give your roommate some space regularly.</p>
<p>(I am assuming that your room is a dorm room like the one I am imagining, the one that is big enough for two people to live comfortably but would be a little too much for three people).</p>
<p>I would definetely think it not ok, even if I said it was…Sometimes people don’t feel good about saying no and the longer the situation goes, the harder it gets to fix it. Just saying… even though your roommate said it was fine, it doesn’t mean that’s what she REALLY thinks…</p>
<p>Communication with the other roommates is key. Always ask permission and always make sure you be considerate of the other roommate’s sleep schedule and be sure to pick up after yourselves, etc. If you or your boyfriend is turning the room into a pig sty on a regular basis or you’re keeping the roommate up every night, it becomes less okay. </p>