D20’s high school is in the throes of elaborate homecoming “proposals.” All of D’s friends have been “proposed” to for the homecoming dance and D is the only one in her friend group that hasn’t. D is friendly, attractive, and well-liked at her school. The kicker is that she’s also really smart. She is at the top of her class and is the typical over-achiever. She’s in lots of clubs, has lots of leadership roles, and is liked by the teachers and staff. Despite her achievements, D feels bad because she’s never been asked out and gets no romantic attention from boys at her school. Watching all of the girls around her get “proposed” to is making D sad.
D asked me what’s “wrong with” her regarding boys/romance, and to me, she’s flawless. The only thing that seems to make sense to me is that she might be intimidating to boys. I’ve done a few Google searches on this topic, and it appears that studies have shown that men are less attracted to women that are smarter or more ambitious than them.
Do any smart moms (or your daughters) out there have experience with this kind of thing? Was dating harder for you when you were young because you’re smart? Do you have any advice for girls like my daughter? I was an average student, but still got no attention from boys because I was shy. D is the opposite…super smart, friendly, cute, and outgoing.
@calmom since I’m not at the school when she interacts with the boys, I’m not entirely sure. However, she’s told me that she often starts conversations with the boys she likes. She says that she’s done just about everything except point-blank tell them that she “likes” them. I’ve suggested that she just ask the boys out herself, but she’s convinced that they will say no, since none have shown interest in her before.
Dating in HS is harder for everybody now. We didn’t have proposals for homecoming and prom. Basically, making asking somebody on a date into a harder, more complicated process.
I can totally relate OP and it sucks as parents to watch your kid hurting. My daughter was/is not only smart but nearly 6 ft tall. Super outgoing, lots of guy friends, but only had one boyfriend for about 6 months in all of high school. She went to dances and even prom with a group of girl friends. She thinks too many of the guys thought of her as “one of the guys” because she was one of only two girls in physics C, doing sci oly build events, taking engineering, etc… I think she’s a beautiful girl and also super confident, but I think she can be intimidating.
That said, she wasn’t willing to compromise who she really is for a date.
She’s hoping college will open the door for new dynamics.
And @calmom, my daughter definitely let a few boys know she was interested…it didn’t help or change anything other than to make it harder/more emotional when they asked someone else to a dance.
I so never worried about if my kids “dated” in high school. Homecoming is one night - half the people that go together that night will probably never go out on a date again!
If someone doesn’t want to spend time with your D because she is smart they aren’t worth hanging with!
Totally as an aside, my daughter had a blast at prom and most of the guy friends that paired up with dates ended up ditching them to hang with my daughter and their bigger friend group. Awful for the dates but illustrates that you don’t need one to have fun!
@abasket I wish she would! She has lots of great guy friends. However, the homecoming proposals here are just outrageous, and pretty much reserved for people who have romantic interest in each other. I think these proposals have ruined homecoming for a lot of shy kids or those who just want to go as friends. If the girl or boy says “no,” it’s a public spectacle.
@momofsenior1 thanks for the great story! D will definitely be going to the dance, since she’s on the student council dance committee. Hopefully something similar will happen to her.
So a couple of things. What does she do to socialize outside of school? In my kid’s case, especially when younger, it was mostly groups and they would meet up wherever (usually start at the Football/Basketball game). Being away from school can let “kids be kids” and not focus on academics so much. The boys can see another side of her. Remember boys will be “cool” and aloof in front of their friends. Try to engage them one on one. Second, opposites attract.
@yourmomma her friend group does a lot of regular kid stuff outside of school…goes to the movies, mini golf, out to dinner, shopping, etc. The group is a good mix of boys and girls. Funny you mention opposites attract - her only boyfriend ever was the complete opposite of her - hated school, lived and breathed sports and didn’t have a care in the world. She eventually broke up with him because they had nothing in common.
Have her let her friends know she would like a date to homecoming, or a just a guy who would like to go. Ask them to put out feelers to their dates. She can also ask a male acquaintance ; for example: Hey, Jay, I’d really like to go to homecoming, but I don’t have a date. Want to go together as friends? Or, there is probably a group of girls going together that she may know and she can tag along with them. My smart, tall girls had the same troubles and neither dated much in high school at all. They did on occasion ask a boy to be their escort because they wanted to go. Boys often worry about being turned down, also, and may hesitate to ask a girl.
D2 was asked to the senior prom very simply: walking to a class with a boy she knew from band, he says: hey D2, are you going to the prom? She says, well, just with “her group”. He says: oh. Want to go with me? Easy-peasy. She said yes. That may work for your D.
Our school hosts a Sadie Hawkins dance in the winter—girls ask boys, though not as elaborate as homecoming/prom.
Also I might just mention that maybe you should not focus on the fact that she is smart = no date. Smart may have nothing to do with it! I’m sure there are smart girls AND boys without dates. And girls and boys not quite as smart without dates!
It’s just a little interesting that you titled the thread in a way to indicate that she doesn’t have a date - because she is smart.
@dentmom4 I love the easy peasy prom request! I wish our school still did Sadie Hawkins - it isn’t done anymore here because it isn’t gender neutral.
I think a big part of this is not necessarily going to the dance, since she already has to, but that she isn’t getting the big, romantic, exciting promposal. Here, after girls are asked, pictures of it are all over SnapChat and Instagram. Sometimes the school social media site will even post pictures of a few promposals.
Actually I’d never thought about it much until my daughter brought it up. She said that she thinks boys don’t like her because she’s smart. I don’t really have an opinion either way yet, which is why I asked here, I can see how my title is confusing, though. I tried to change the title but I can’t.
Eons ago when I was in high school and considered smart, guys from my school didn’t ask me out. It was ok because I was running everything at the school and was very involved with plenty to do.
We didn’t have dances other than prom but one of the groups sponsored a Sadie Hawkins Kissing Booth. (Yes, it was waaaay back.) A guy friend introduced me to one of the football players and I have a souvenir photo of the day I shocked everyone who saw that kiss. We went on a few dates, but I’m sure I was moving too slow for him. College was my goal and I went on lots of dates once I arrived. I had my father “Uber”me to the prom and I had a great time. Just have to have self confidence. I met my smart husband at college, have a small pack of smart children. It works out.
If she is outgoing enough, I think she should ask a guy and if he is reluctant, plan a group thing - gather and share a limo, everyone buy their own tickets, own dinner, etc.
