HS boys are insecure and afraid of rejection and unless the girl makes it very clear she’s interested, it’s not likely he’ll have the guts to ask her out. I also think real life social skills in the age of social media are atrophying in the young to an unprecedented degree. The whole “dating” thing is alien to large numbers of adolescents who prefer to “hang out” in a vague noncommittal way.
Academically high-achieving kids of either sex are not as statistically likely to date or have relationships in HS anyway. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My mother used to say, “Your day will come.” And she was right.
I was only interested in the smart boys both in HS and college. If any were intimidated by me I wouldn’t have known because they wouldn’t have shown any interest I would have picked up on. I was always in a relationship.
The promposal thing drives me nuts. What more is required than a young person, heart in throat, simply saying, “, if you don’t already have a date for the prom, I’d be honored if you’d go with me.” Our son felt that any young woman who required more than that was in it for the drama and not him. He passed on those girls.
I dunno about all of this. I attracted male interest from 7th grade on and had dates and a boyfriend in HS. I have had many male friends and BFs since, including H, whom I’ve been married to now for over 3 decades.
D was asked to JR and SR prom as well as winter ball. The funny thing is she was attending CC in what would have been her SR year when she was invited to the ST prom.
S never dated at all in HS and didn’t attend any dances. He’s since had a few GFs and one he’s been seeing about 18 months now. As far as I know D hasn’t dated other than those few formal HS events, but has lots of male and female friends. She’s smart, beautiful and seems pretty happy anyway. Her smart female friends also are mostly unattached, but their younger sisters are getting married.
I’m chiming in from the other side here–my son asked for my help in approaching the tall, pretty, shoe-in for Valedictorian girl when they were high school seniors. They’d had similar classes all through high school but somehow never ended up in the same sections. He noticed her at winter track practice. In fact, what he noticed was that she was the only girl in her group of friends who didn’t have a boyfriend!
So I said to just talk to her like he’d talk to anyone else. But about what? He’d thought to make a joke about her height, but figured everyone did that. REALLY? That was your game plan, Son?! How about if you’re the only guy who never mentions her height?? Ask her how she coped with that extra set of sprints. Ask her if she knows anyone in real life like Atticus Finch. Ask her if she got the expected results on that last biology lab. Oh . . . ok, I’ll try that.
This floored me! My son was very outgoing and confident, active in community theater and knew (and dated) girls from many different schools in the area. But this girl was like a goddess in their school. He was 5’ 11" and she was over 6’ and he said the guys didn’t even think of asking her out because she was tall. He thought that was ridiculous. But he was afraid to talk to her, at first.
My suggestions worked. They chatted and continued to chat every day at practice. But then he wasn’t sure how to take the next step. So I said, be direct–tell her you really enjoy talking with her and would she like to go get pizza one day after practice so you could keep talking. He did! And she did! And then they made plans for a movie date. And then they were a couple for the rest of Senior year.
He said he didn’t care how high her heels were for the Prom! You should see the photo–they were a stunning couple. They eventually broke up, in college. She met guys in her major who shared more of her interests. My son the actor wasn’t really scholarly enough for her. But they were good for each other for almost two years. And they are still friends.
I was in the “brains” group in high school. I thought I would never date my whole life! It was hard when my even-smarter best friend started dating when we were juniors. I specifically remember thinking that I needed to not act smart around boys.
My senior year in high school, I started hanging out with a brilliant boy - two years younger than I but only one grade behind. We started dating in the spring. We got teased a lot for being a couple, ha! I was val that year and he was val the next. He ended up getting a PhD in astrophysics. He dumped me after almost three years when he was a sophomore at MIT - I was a) not smart enough and b) too religious for him.
I appreciate the boys’ perspective. I have two sons. One is terribly romantic. He is quiet and shy but once smitten he will slowly and carefully figure out how to talk to a girl and win her over. It is sweet to watch. The other is a jock but is terrified of girls. Also interesting to watch. Jock son is afraid of rejection and looking foolish. Romantic son takes it in stride. Both do have/have had GFs.
When S1 finally grew into his confidence and charm and did start to date, he has been more into the prom queens than the valedictorians. We’ll see what happens with S2. D loves nerdy guys but they have to be athletically inclined.
Humans are born to want to date aspirationally, to look for mates smarter, stronger, richer and more attractive. Online dating apps have given researchers powerful data for analyzing the pool. For an already smart, strong and attractive female, the air gets pretty thin for them in HS. I think a lot of the (middle class) smart boys get their act together later, once they start earning money, joining gyms, getting haircuts and dressing better.
@Consolation, LOL. No kidding, huh? My daughter is good-looking, not 5’10 with a knock-out bikini bod or blond hair, or 34D. And definately not athletic, kinda clumsy actually. But she is bright. And she knows it.
So, I wonder sometimes if that’s why she has a hard time finding dates. She is fairly assertive and doesn’t take any BS. Has a great sense of humor though. Maybe over-confident in every area except dating. Not much experience unless you count a one-year relationship with “Mr. Perfect”. Apparently she likes boys/men who are confident and arrogant.
College is easier to meet people of the opposite sex outside of the academic setting. How “picky” is your daughter? How arrogant (or not) is she? How available is she? I know my D studies ALOT which doesn’t leave much time for socializing.
Does your D inbibe? My D does not and I think some guys don’t like that. She is now taste-testing as a senior in college but she isn’t interested in hanging at a bar. She likes movies, walking, music events/concerts…etc. What does your D like?
This love connection thing is not for the faint of heart that’s for sure.
@Consolation I wasn’t looking for any pity for my daughter, just some insight.
@NEPatsGirl my daughter doesn’t drink/party. There is a huge party culture at her high school, and I can see how her not partaking in it might hurt her socially. She does have a large group of friends, though, and they don’t party, either. She is very involved in band in her school and the other extracurricular groups that she chairs. Between that and her studies, she doesn’t have a lot of extra time, like your D. I don’t know if she seems arrogant at school, but I have been told by many teachers that they like her confidence and outgoing nature. At home, however, she is rather self deprecating; I wish she had more confidence! As far as pickiness with boys, I don’t really know. I can imagine that she would never want to date a boy who parties too much or doesn’t take school very seriously, so that eliminates about half of the boys at her school, lol.
I’ve told my children from their younger years that there is no need to rush. They had friends who claimed serious relationships at 12, 13, 14 and had drama starting in middle school that was so unnecessary. I told them to have friends, be friendly and kind, go and do, but not to worry about “boyfriend/girlfriend” because they had so much living and learning to do before choosing a life relationship. DS seemed to have listened and didn’t claim a girlfriend until the last week of his senior year in HS. LOL. They are at 1+ years now.
Our son is attracted to “smart,” “confident,” and “athletic,” not necessarily in combo. He thinks looks are deceiving and fading. I would say that his longest-term girlfriend so far would not be classified by anyone as a beauty, but he thought she was.
(FWIW, most think our son is well above average in looks and a knockout in uniform. )
Mother of a tall, pretty, smart, shy daughter here. She didn’t really date in high school until she met someone at a summer program between junior and senior year. Having a boyfriend who lived far away seemed to meet her needs nicely as a senior in high school. Before that, I did watch as a very nice boy tried to make conversation with her junior year in high school and saw her being so oblivious that she inadvertently shut him down.,.hard. Sad for both of them, actually. As a college student, she’s picky, especially when it comes to height and perceived “intellect”. But she and her guy have been together (off and on) for more than two years and seem good together, even if it’s not likely to be a permanent thing. I’ve stopped worrying about it. Or, at least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Teenagers’ quest for romantic relationships is mainly driven by two things: hormones and peer pressure. Both factors are very difficult to resists, but both are also a terrible way to choose a life partner. Thankfully, this approach changes with age and maturity. I would not worry too much about the lack of eligible bachelors for a high school student.
Nonexistent. At least son was able to spend time with cross country people (60 boys, 60 girls) for his social life- many of the top students involved, some went with the group along with those who were dating each other for homecoming.
Still hard later, especially when diverging from religion and other commonalities for meeting guys. It is difficult to be different.
Update: D asked a friend from another school to attend homecoming “as friends” with her, and he said yes. They will be going with a big group of friends, so it should be a lot of fun. I think D is learning that whatever dating life she wants, she’s going to have to go out and make it for herself at this point.
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