Smart Moms - Was Dating Hard When You Were Younger?

[Nrdsb4]

I do agree that a lot about it is how you “wear” your smarts. But while you can tone down your ambitions, your opinions, work on your attitude and open mindedness (I did, or tried to - but should we really tell OP her daughter needs to lose her joy in her leadership? Is it right to tell young women they need to make that trade off, a glass ceiling imposed by the threat of loneliness?), you can’t actually tone down your raw intelligence, or lose your yearning for an (at least roughly) intellectual peer.

@Tigerle, please do not put words in my mouth. Or keyboard.

[ChoatieMom]

@@Tigerle

I posit that at least to an equal extent, men do not want to marry up.

My husband thinks he married up (and told me so again on our anniversary yesterday), but I think I did, too, so we’re even.

@@mstomper

there were several I had crushes on. There’s no way on earth I would have ever had the nerve to ask any of them out.

Going back to this thread made me remember a HS classmate’s wedding I attended about ten years after graduation. The smart athlete I’d had the biggest crush on was there and, after a few cocktails, I mentioned it. He was stunned and said, “YOU would have dated ME?” We both thought the other was unattainable. There was an intimidation factor on both ends. We had MC’d the senior variety show together, and I felt there was definitely some chemistry during the show’s run and hoped he would have asked me out. He said if he had any idea I would have said yes, he would have asked in a heartbeat, but he thought I was “too pretty and too smart.” This guy had zero trouble getting dates. I couldn’t believe that he suffered any such insecurities, but he did, and he viewed me in a way I didn’t view myself. These feelings aren’t unique to the shy and socially awkward. The potential for rejection is a powerful inhibitor for most people.

To any young men/women in the dating pool who are reading this, I say muster up your courage and take that risk. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. (Right, son?)

[mstomper]

“Muster up your courage and take that risk” works for most, but for some it’s like telling someone with ADHD to “just calm down and focus.” I say this as someone who was paralyzed by fear of rejection. When we start out like that a couple of rejections early on can have a devastating effect on one’s social life. It was pure luck that I was in the right place at the right time. That said, it’s probably a relatively small number of cases that are so extreme.

[jonri]

@Tigerle says:

Regarding your genius level friend, genius level means that her IQ is at least at 150, ie about 1 in 5,000 people, or possibly even higher, maybe 1 in 50,000?

You’re WAY off. It’s more like in 1 out of 1,125. See https://www.iqcomparisonsite.com/iqtable.aspx Rare, but not THAT rare.

[1Dreamer]

I do agree that a lot about it is how you “wear” your smarts. But while you can tone down your ambitions, your opinions, work on your attitude and open mindedness (I did, or tried to - but should we really tell OP her daughter needs to lose her joy in her leadership? Is it right to tell young women they need to make that trade off, a glass ceiling imposed by the threat of loneliness?), you can’t actually tone down your raw intelligence, or lose your yearning for an (at least roughly) intellectual peer.

She did not say or even imply anything about toning down ambitions or opinions, or telling anyone to lose their joy in leadership. She suggested that it may have to do with intangibles. It’s not necessarily what one says or does, but how they come across in the way when they say or do it. Facial expressions, hand gestures and other body language, tone, confidence or lack thereof can all play a part. They don’t need to downplay their intelligence, but they may need to consider whether they are projecting an off-putting air of superiority and figure out how to downplay play that down. There’s a difference.

The most effective leaders bring out the best in others and make them feel like important and valued. Likewise, in dating and relationships, most people want to feel important and valued. Those who convinces themselves that they’re not getting the reaction they want because everyone must be jealous or intimidated by them probably need to dive a little deeper into the introspective pool.

[1Dreamer]

I should add that there ARE people who others find intimidatingly intelligent or attractive, but from my experience, they’re almost never the people who believe they are and blame their social woes on that belief. They’re usually people who are shocked to find that they intimidate anyone.

[cbreeze]

For teenage boys and many other men whatever their age may be…looks trump everything…then it’s whether the girl(women) is relatable. They are not looking for a long term relationship at that age, so attractiveness( to the teenage boys, not to the girls’ mothers) is tops.