Last Thanksgiving D told me her boyfriend was moving in with her. She was turning 23 and he was 21+1/2. They had been together for 5 years. She has a job and he is in grad school. I said “you are a grown woman”. I have no other position than that. I no longer make her life decisions. I have no objections to them living together. But H threw an absolute hissy fit. I begged him not to make a mess of things, but he proceeded apace to do just that.
Now, 6 months later, she comes home for things (they live an hour+ away), but we haven’t seen the BF since XMAS. Tonight we had BF’s parents to our house for dinner, but the kids did not come over. I know H is not going to apologize to BF, because he just rants about how they shouldn’t be living together. In the meantime, I feel like I’m being punished too. Am I just stuck in a loop until BF shows himself the bigger man and reappears? D said she is working on him. He’s still 21, so good grief.
Whoever said the first year was the hardest hadn’t lived past the first year.
I don’t blame the BF for not showing up, he must feel unwelcome. Was the hissy fit public? Even if it wasn’t, I’m sure your D told her BF at least the gist of it.
Why don’t you go up there, without your H, and take them out to lunch one day? It isn’t horribly far. Or offer to bring some of your D’s favorite dishes, ready to put in the freezer so they can both enjoy them when they are too busy to cook. If things work out well, go back another time with H as long as H promises to behave well. If you’re not sure about him, wait until you are sure. No sense making a further mess of things.
I don’t see why the BF should be the “bigger man”. Your H is the one who has fouled this up. My dad threw a hissy
fit when I moved in with my future H after college, and it poisoned their relationship forever. I eventually married him, and we were married for 23 years. Looking back, at least a percentage of our marital issues can be traced to my dad’s bad behavior. It added a lot of stress to family get togethers. My H (now ex), to his credit, showed up for family events (still does). But they were strained.
I’d split with your H on this topic and go see the kids without him. Take them out to dinner and build (or continue) a relationship with this young man. Too bad if your H doesn’t like it. This may be your future SIL and father of your grandkids. Don’t let your H bully you out of it, either.
So, what kind of hissy fit did he actually throw? Was the BF witness to it/a victim of it?
Your husband should man up and invite your daughter and her bf over or out to dinner with the two of you, Even if he doesn’t give a formal, verbal apology, he should reach out and make a move. If they get married at some point and if they have kids, does he really want this silly distance he caused to continue?
Gotta agree with the other replies. The BF feels unwelcome in your home, so why should he want to go there? It’s up to your H to correct that belief, not for the BF to be the “bigger man”. From the BF’s perspective, he’s probably just staying out of the drama and allowing things to cool down, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do under the circumstances.
Or H can wait until they get married. My guess is you won’t change his mind and your D’s boyfriend knows it. This might be a case where time (and a wedding) may heal all wounds. While it is considerably more common these days to live with someone without being married your husband doesn’t agree. Give it time. No need for the boyfriend to do anything unless he wants to. It might be nice if he loves your D to tell your husband that but he is very young so I wouldn’t hold my breath for him to reach out.
It could be too late, depending on the dad’s actions so far. Some rifts can’t be healed, some words can’t be taken back. I think the OP should just go on without him to try them build her own separate relationship with the young man. At least show the kid that both parents aren’t jerks. Maybe the dad will come around if he’s left home enough times.
There is no reason for the BF to have a relationship with either of you parents, so if you want that to be a thing, this is yours to nurture. Frankly, at 21, I would assume this won’t be a lasting relationship, and would act as such. At 21, I would not be interested in having a relationship with a partners’ parents.
I read the thread title and thought this was going to be about Botox.
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D told me just before Thanksgiving when she was home. I had some slim hope that H wouldn’t find out until after XMAS, but SIL spilled the beans to MIL, (she broadcasts her positions) so D had to break it to H just before Christmas. H went ballistic and was texting both her and BF for several days about their living in sin yada yada. I was begging him not to make a total mess of things.
He says they don’t respect him because they don’t do what he wants them to do. I say if he controls their lives now, he will always they control their lives. D, bless her heart, has a spine and just gives H the old “yeah dad”.
He was texting both of them and being moralistic about it. Yep, that’s bad.
Try to mend fences with yourself and the BF. Your H will have to come later, after he learns the error of his ways. Hopefully, he will, and soon!
And if they do break up, whether it’s next month or in ten years, don’t let him say any “I told you so’s”!
^So yes, bf was on the firing line.
My father was horrible to all of my boyfriends. Then again, my father was horrible to everyone. I moved out for the first time a couple of days after I turned 19 and moved in with my then bf, who was 8 years older than me. My father was upset, primarily because he could no longer force me to use my student loans to pay him rent. I think my ex came over to my parents’ home once in the 7 years we were together. The first time I introduced my father to my now H, my dad said: “Oh, who the F cares? Where’s the food?” We were at my law school graduation. Needless to say, we didn’t have a very good relationship with my father and my children rarely saw them before they died. My mother sat back and didn’t intervene. I would have had a separate relationship with her, but she didn’t drive and wouldn’t go anywhere without my dad.
My advice - try to get your H to accept this young man’s presence in your D’s life or you run the risk of alienating them both. My loyalty was to my ex and then my H and I chose them over my parents when push came to shove. I would feel horrible if one of my kids did that to me, so I make every effort to get along with their SO’s.
If I was the boyfriend, I probably wouldn’t show up either. My relationship with my outlaws has been very minimal at best due to their critical, conservative behavior. It’s been their loss. They’ve missed out on a lot as a result. Adult children with any gumption are going to choose their life partners over their parents.
If you can’t get your husband to mend fences, I agree with @intparent and others, you need to make efforts of your own and have your own relationship with the young couple.
Not a big surprise that family disruption occurs when political or religious views (which can produce heated arguments even in the abstract when there is no direct applicability to anyone doing the arguing) become directly applicable to a family member who happens not to conform with those views.
And when patriarchs think they can boss everyone around for their whole lives.
I wouldn’t show up if I was the bf. Hell, I’m married and I wouldn’t show up if my in-laws acted like that. As it is, my in-laws aren’t in our lives all that much because of their controlling behavior.
Until your H apologizes and gets over it, there’s nothing you can do. Neither your D nor her bf deserve that type of verbal abuse and I’m guessing he’s a few blow ups away from her being out of your lives completely.
ETA: I moved in with my now-H when we were juniors in college (so 21? ish). His parents were not happy but at least they kept their comments to themselves.
My rule of thumb with my kids’ SO is I work everything through my kids. I do not directly say anything negative to the SO. Some people may disagree, but I know I could always make up with my kids, not so much with their SOs. As an example, my future son-in-law is not a morning person and is very grumpy. I was not very happy with few of my interactions with him in the morning. I told D1 to do something about it before I said anything harsh (I used to send my kids to their rooms in the morning until they could show up with a smile). So now, the future SIL sits very quietly in the morning until he is ready to interact and I do not speak with him until he is ready.
In OP’s case, the daughter probably should have known her father’s position on living together. If I were the D I probably wouldn’t have told my parents about the living situation. The father shouldn’t have texted the couple because now he can’t take back what he said. But what’s done is done. OP can try to talk to the H about having the couple over for dinner. I think by doing the invite is a form of apology, and maybe the BF can let it go. On the other hand, the D and BF can invite the parents over for dinner and hope the father would come. It would be a message to the father that they are adults, they are able and will make their own decisions. It would speak volume of the BF (and if he is not then it should also tell the D about his maturity). If neither one is willing compromise or make up then I agree that OP should try to have a relationship with the couple without the H, which would be unfortunate for the H.
You had the BF parents over for dinner? The “elephant in the room” had to be that their son was living with your daughter. Sorry…but given the circumstances…I think it odd that the BF parents were invited to,your house…unless you are long term friends.
Were your daughter and son in law invited to the dinner and declined?
Maybe next time…have dinner on a more neutral turf than your house.
I don’t even have my D’s bf or my oldest son’s gf’s numbers in my phone. H does and he will often call D’s bf to discuss music or computers. He will occasionally call OS’s gf if he doesn’t answer us.