<p>morrismm…I am so sorry for the hurtful experience your D is going through. As a mom, I am sure you are hurting for her too. </p>
<p>While I only have your posts to go on, it sounds to me like everything was fine for this guy in the long distance relationship phase and when they were together, it was like a fun “vacation” fantasy life and not really dealing with normal day to day stuff. Then, they lived together for just four months. This guy may not like what that sort of realistic relationship entails with anyone or it may be with your D specifically, hard to tell. But it seems that when the reality of day to day life with a mate (not just fun time off together), along with a real job and grown up stuff, he either wasn’t ready for it generally speaking, or perhaps he came to realize that the differences they had were too great once he experienced the reality of “real” life and not just vacation time spent together. </p>
<p>His leaving the relationship sounds abrupt on the one hand (making it harder for her as she did not see it coming), but on the other hand, it may have been brewing after a few months of his not being keen on living together and what that kind of relationship is like. It seems rather harsh to me that he told her this long distance and not in a few weeks when he returned home. That didn’t help. </p>
<p>She cannot have the locks changed unless the Lease is in her name alone (or she has a restraining order against him, but that’s not relevant here). If the Lease is in both names, then he can leave and she can stay, or vice versa, or they can both move somewhere else. </p>
<p>I personally think she should have gone to Europe and had a good time of her own. I’d have done that before losing money! But I’m very practical.</p>
<p>I’m sorry she is hurting but this was just not meant to be. She just was not the one for him, or else they would have headed right into marriage, at that age, after a long relationship. It’s not his fault, or her fault. They just weren’t right for each other. </p>
<p>Someone else is the one, and she will be so glad once he comes along.</p>
<p>She dodged a bullet, even though it may take her a long long time to see that; just be supportive - let her cry, complain etc at least for a while. There are guys who like the long distance thing specifically because when they see their gf, it is “fun” – you are not worrying about picking up the dry cleaning or paying the bills because you only have 2 days together. As we all know, day to day life esp. anything involving a normal job and a commute in/around NYC just is not fun. If he’s on a work training in Switzerland, he may be back in that fun schedule – work all day but maybe a whole bunch of peers to go out with at night – they’re not going to waste their time watching tv because they only have a month to explore; or even if he doesn’t have peers there, he may be hanging in the hotel bar nightly talking to locals like the young lady he met and being reminded how “fun” it is not to have to talk to your D about whether their weekend plans will be affected by the work schedule, whose co-worker’s wedding they need to go to and that other day to day stuff. </p>
<p>He may just not be ready to settle down – in which case it is good that he let her know (albeit rudely) instead of stringing her along for another 5 yrs and just never proposing.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your daughter, but I too think it sounds like she’ll be better off without him. He sounds very immature. Can you imagine if they had stayed together and she had gotten sick or injured? He’d be running out the door in seconds, and it would have been terrible. This way she has some time to grieve and think, and plan, before he gets back. It seems that everyone here agrees that it will be better for her in the long run, she just has to get from here to there.</p>
<p>I was reminded of someone I knew when I was recently out of school around your D’s age. The fiance broke it off after the wedding invitations had been mailed out. That woman followed the guy several hundred miles to be near him, and all the while was figuring out ways to get back together. She used another guy to make him jealous as well. They did marry about a year or so later, and to my knowledge are still together all these years hence. I would have said it would never work but go figure. More recently, a young woman we know after years of dating and at least two or three married is divorcing because the H wanted to sow wild oats. Didn’t see that one coming. One of my close friends from college and grad school had a live in girlfriend for a couple of years, and he had known her for probably 10 years total, and when she finally said they need to get married, he declined. She moved out and found another guy and got married. He said he just didn’t want to marry her. It was convenient, so he had stayed together for a long time. </p>
<p>I would not demonize your D’s bf too much. For all you know he may change his mind, and she might as well, and you don’t want to be on the record with a lot of unfavorable comments. FWIW, he sounds immature - fooling around with someone else, breaking up internationally by phone (from a live in situation no less). It does sound like he really did not like the living situation (a reverse commute?), and that your D is collateral damage. It does make you really question what his commitment was to begin with.</p>
<p>I agree – don’t criticize him too much just in case he ends up being your future son in law, but also don’t make her feel like you are “supporting him” because you obviously are not.</p>
<p>It may be a long way off but she should be very cautious about taking him back. It is possible that he returns from Switzerland, dates for a bit, and realizes he misses having a steady gf around that he doesn’t have to impress. However, by the way he has handled this, it just sounds like he isn’t ready for marriage and he may be the type who runs for the hills anytime they face any kind of adversity – family, personal, health, job, whatever. Your D doesn’t need a lifetime of “oh - how will John react if I don’t make my next promotion at work, he was counting on that happening bc we need the money.”</p>
<p>sadly we all seem to get broadsided by someone we thought we really cared about and they felt the same way about you. sometimes the problem is in the mirror sometimes it is the other person. the sooner you move on the better.</p>
<p>Thank you. She is dealing with her pain by keeping very busy. She is fortunate enough to be able to travel. </p>
<p>This weekend she is visiting her best friend in Denver. Next weekend she is going to Austin Texas with friends. She has also rescheduled a two week vacation in Europe the week before and after Thanksgiving traveling in various places with various friends.</p>
<p>MorrisMM: I am glad to hear that your D is doing better.</p>
<p>
I’m confused; was he her fiance? Did she refuse his proposal? Or did he say pretty words that she thought was the equivalent of a ring?</p>
<p>Last situation first: coal can be crushed into a diamond, but no amount of sweet nothings compares to a man shelling out money from his own pocket, spending his own time shopping for a ring, and working up the gumption to get down on one knee to a woman. I don’t care if the ring is a hand-me-down sapphire, an estate sale find, or a Tiffany’s rock; the fact is that an actual engagement involves putting himself out there in ways that “I want to marry you” does not. </p>
<p>If she refused his proposal, then she owns a lot of this. You can’t string people along and expect that your rejection won’t do damage to the relationship. </p>
<p>If they were engaged, then I have no words. None. Except to say that she’s lucky she found this out now and not later.</p>
<p>morrismm, sounds like she is doing all the right things. Travel is a wonderful vehicle to take your mind off problems, it confirms that there is a great big world out there. My instincts tell me she will be just fine.</p>
<p>Thanks HM1. Ariesathena, he did not give her a ring because she did not want one. Something about blood diamonds and saving for a house. I did not care if she got a ring or not. I never got one from H. We are just not very traditional or so formal. D (and I) did/have receive(ed) jewelry as presents many times. </p>
<p>D also did not turn him down. She just did not have the time to plan a wedding. They lived together. That was their commitment. </p>
<p>When I said he asked her to marry him, I guess I misled that this was a formal, down on knee request… Apparently they made it clear to each other that they would get married. She told me several times that they would be married already if it was up to him. But he knew she loved him and they would get married. I expected it to be soon because he finally finished his PhD and got a job.</p>
<p>Actually I think it was the finishing school and getting a non-academic job that caused the problem. He apparently was not enjoying regular work hours, commuting, etc.</p>