<p>My D1 has been involved with a man for about 4 years. He was “the love of her life.” He adored her and asked her to marry him. They lived together. But only full time for the last 4 months. They had a long distance relationship for most of their relationship because he was a grad student. But they did spend a great deal of time together and traveled all over together.</p>
<p>He got a job near NYC after completing his PhD where D1 has a very good job. He has to commute out of the city and does not like it.</p>
<p>He left 4 weeks ago to train for his job in Switzerland. Two days ago he told her he thought he wanted to move out when he got back, but did not want to break up. He also admitted “making out” with a women in Switzerland. ( Bf is 28) </p>
<p>D1 and bf we’re suppose to spend the next two weeks together in Europe. D 1 decided to cancel because of his decisions and admissions. It cost her a lot. Today he said, the other person was not the reason but they are over!</p>
<p>Here’s the thing. She is hurting so bad. Not eating, sleeping and just crying. And also, ***? He loved her so much. He is (was?) the nicest guy in the world. He was the LAST man in the world to do this her. What happened?</p>
<p>He told her really stupid things like she finished dinner too fast and wanted to watch a show and be wanted to play a game. He also said he liked vacation D1 and not day to day D1. D1 is very organized and he does not want this.</p>
<p>All off this is legit I suppose. D1 told him she was willing to work out a compromise. But no.</p>
<p>So here is the thing I do not understand. How does someone go from loving , in love, adoring one day to breaking up, literally, the next?? D1 and bf were not arguing or having any trouble before he left.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your D is hurting. It sounds like he found someone else, or realized he wants to shop around more. I worked with young men, and they could be pretty abrupt in their decisions. And some were selfish enough to not concern themselves with the feelings of others. I hope your D sees this as a blessing eventually. Again, sorry.</p>
<p>morissmm - I am really sorry about what your D is going through. As a mom you must be hurting for her, especially when she isn’t eating or sleeping. I hope over time she will realize that it is not about her and she shouldn’t have to compromise. When a man is in love with her, all of her little idiosyncrasies are adorable and lovable, and when he is not then they are bothersome. Someday she will find someone who will love her just the way she is. My suspicion is he is threatened by your D’s success in career. Your D may not see it now, but it is better it happened now than later. Maybe your D could come home for some TLC.</p>
<p>It’s hard for her to see this as the blessing it is, but time heals. So sorry she’s in pain, but it does sound like the match obviously was NOT meant to be. Much better for them to figure this out now than after they are married and one decides that it was not the right decision.</p>
<p>Best wishes to your D in getting over this guy. It’s tough when much of their relationship was long distance and much of the time they spent together was saved up and “special.” It’s important for her to find someone who loves her everyday self as well as her vacation self. </p>
<p>Take care of you and herself. See if she’d like you to come over and mother her a bit or perhaps a nice visit home or even a cruise with you?</p>
<p>morrissmm, I am so so sorry for your daughter – and for you. I started one of these threads myself recently, though my D was the ‘instigator’ of the breakup. I suspect your D’s BF may not be entirely honest about another person not being the reason because I have seen that happen more than once, but I could be wrong. I know in my D’s case, there was no other person involved, her feelings did change, and even she couldn’t explain to herself why her feelings changed, she just knew they did.<br>
Unfortunately, the heart is not always logical. Hopefully your D has some good girlfriends with whom she has remained close while in this relationship that she can lean on during this time - in addition to you, of course!</p>
<p>So sorry- these things do not make sense because he really does not know why he is breaking up… just be there for her as you are. Unfortunately in a break up one is on the receiving end.</p>
<p>Its so hard when our kids are hurting.
Transitions are hard when we expect and plan for them, harder when we dont see them coming and dont know what happened.
It might help her to have a counselor to have someone neutral to help her sort out her feelings and move ahead.</p>
<p>Its hard to say what happened, the young man might not even know himself.
It sounds trite, but time helps.</p>
<p>Thanks for the support everyone. I know there are going to be many up and down days for months.</p>
<p>So now the question of what to do with his stuff since he is still in Switzerland. Mt H and several of her friends say to pack it up and put it in storage or mail it to his parents. I say throw it into a pile and leave it for him. See says that she is throwing his stuff into a closet ans does want to do him the favor of packing it up. Ugh.</p>
<p>To make matters worse, her cat got sick today. She has to take him to the vet tomorrow. If something bad happens to the cat as well. OMG</p>
<p>Morrismm–much hugs to you and your D. This is hard, and there’s no way to make it easier. My S had a rough second half of college–a breakup by his two year gf for his friend sent him into a tailspin. When he was having a rough semester sometime later, I had to call and say we were going to have to put down the dog he grew up with. So I certainly sympathize over the cat issue added on. Fingers crossed.</p>
<p>Just be there for her. Sometimes there’s not a lot more you can do.</p>
<p>Can you and your H come, pack up his stuff and move it into a storage unit. That way you can check on her and do the dirty work of getting his stuff out of there. </p>
<p>Of course, he should take care of this since he’s the one who wants out but that rarely happens. I would pay that storage fee gladly so that when he gets back from Switzerland, this wound won’t be opened again. </p>
<p>Another person who thinks there is more to the girl and a relationship in Switzerland.</p>
<p>H and I will be there this weekend. She probably will not allow us to pack up his stuff. H will probably suggest, so we will see.</p>
<p>I would think, obviously, that the other girl might be a factor. But he insists , no. But how could you fall for another person after being away from your love for only three weeks? </p>
<p>I keep saying he has Peter Panitis. Does not want to grow up. He has always been a student, undergrad, grad, post-grad, with its flexible schedule and massive time off. Now he has to work 5 days a week, commute and only have two days off a week and a few weeks vacation. He doesn’t want to spend Sat. and Sun. doing chores. (D’s schedules I guess). He wants vacation D1. Time to grow up Peter Pan. Switzerland will not last forever.</p>
<p>So sorry for your D. I think we all can remember how difficult these breakups can be. Sometimes people get cold feet when they are on the verge of making a commitment. They need space and time to figure things out. And sometimes the relationship has just run it’s course. No way at this juncture to tell which it is. </p>
<p>But how your D responds to his stated desire to end the relationship is important. She should take him at his word and cease all contact. Never let on how much she is hurting. Even though your D would take him back in a heartbeat right now, he should not ever know that. Perhaps this relationship in Switzerland will not work out the way he thinks it will. Then he has to undertake the process of winning your D back.</p>
<p>I think I have another take. Dh and I spent most of our courtship and engagement apart. We lived about 100 miles away. On my midweek weekends I’d drive there; on his regular weekends he’d drive here. All was well.</p>
<p>I remember those first few months, post-marriage, being a special kind of hell. I was so used to doing things my way in my space, and he was used to doing things his way in his space. I was dismayed that I had to compromise on what we displayed, where we put the bed, etc. Silly, I know, but I promise you that if we hadn’t already been married I probably would have left him. </p>
<p>Your dd and bf only have been living together full time for four months. Up until that time, it was vacation dd, right? All this time together has made him realize that this whole relationship thing is work and maybe he isn’t ready for it. The mild fling with the Swiss miss was just an acting out and now a convenient excuse for why he shouldn’t be with dd.</p>
<p>Not saying it’s nice, but she should be glad she dodged that bullet. I know it doesn’t feel like that now.</p>
<p>Sympathies. Better days are ahead. Meanwhile, she could contact his folks or a sibling of his and ask what to do with the stuff. I would hope that they would step up and help her out.</p>
<p>Whose name is the lease in? If it’s only in your D’s, can she swing the rent on her own? Did they buy any large ticket items–couch, TV, etc., together? Do they have any joint accounts or credit cards?</p>
<p>D was very sure lease was only in her name. She can afford it on her own. D1 was thinking of buying a beach vacation house and a car. Even before breaking up she said they probably should not do this together until they are married. Thank goodness.</p>
<p>Good! Now, IMO, she should change the locks (or ask the landlord to do so if consent is required) so that BF can’t get access to the apartment when she’s not there.</p>
Hopefully your D has some good girlfriends with whom she has remained close while in this relationship that she can lean on during this time - in addition to you, of course!</p>