So, are they "emarging adults"?

Parent Cafe
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<p>kelsmom - Thanks for the compliments!</p>

<p>Emeraldkity4 - Thanks for bringing some more thoughts to my questions! I’d love to discuss further:</p>

<p>Biologically speaking, humans reach sexual maturity 10 years earlier- although physiologically their bodies and brains continue to develop till 18-20 yrs.</p>

<p>Point taken. My statement here wasn’t well-made and/or clear.</p>

<p>As can a lot of other situations, however those same situations may contribute to making someone opportunistic, controlling &/or violent- not characteristics for a healthy member of society.</p>

<p>That is always a possibility. These same things could be found in someone who spent their 20s in school, traveling the world or living in their parent’s basement. I’m not sure I understand, where you are going with this specifically…</p>

<p>In the cases that I know of, where young adults are still living in the family home- no one is twisting their arm. In fact, they have been encouraged to expand their comfort zone, to the point of all but pushing them out the door.
How do you coddle someone who doesnt want to be pandered to?
Sounds difficult to me.</p>

<p>I’m unclear of what you are trying to express here. I’m probably just too tired, but your second statement seems to contradict the first. Will you please clarify your intention for me?</p>

<p>*I wonder if the predilection for standardized testing in the schools as a measure of success, rather than the evaluation of curriculum and judging teacher effectiveness by student test scores, without looking at how many students are able to be successful in life/college/work, has taken away the impetus for things that can’t be weighed & measured. Like creativity & innovation. *</p>

<p>Interesting thought. I hadn’t considered it but you’ve definitely raised an interesting question.
Is the word “enslavement” running through your head too?</p>

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<p>ek,</p>

<p>The state I work in (IL) passed a law this past January that chidren up to age 26 who are dependents in the household, and up to age 29 for same, if having served in the military, may be enrolled in insurance programs of their parents through parents’ employer under the family plan.</p>

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<p>I think insurance coverage is a completely different ball game, though. Insurance is very expensive and difficult to cover with a starting salary. That’s why the age extensions have gotten so high - not necessarily because of prolonged dependency, but because of sheer cost.</p>

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<p>I guess it is contradictory. :o
I thought about it more, and in the circumstances that I have knowledge of, I think the parents are giving mixed messages because they are conflicted. ( It’s difficult when a successful parenting job makes you all but obsolete)</p>

<p>They don’t want their kids to be unhappy or struggle, so they make it possible for them to stay in their same room etc & instead of going to school, they go to work ( those who don’t work- are a whole nother ballgame).</p>

<p>I am really not trying to judge anyone- I am just reporting my impressions.</p>

<p>Frustration is part of life and it generally won’t kill you. But if a young adult hasn’t had to cope with much growing up, it may be overwhelming to the point where they develop mild social phobias/anxiety.
It is pretty easy to get used to something & harder to change. ( obvious but true)</p>

<p>So while the parents really want their kids to be successful adults, ( after all, isn’t that why they paid for that private college education?), they have difficulty being consistent about their confidence of their own kids being able to be on their own.</p>

<p>Strong minded kids ( both mine are that way- especially the youngest), you would not be able to keep them at home for long unless you strapped them to the chair.( but they are also often physically strong, so that doesn’t work either). :wink: </p>

<p>For example, my 18 yr old, wanted to travel to India after high school, and wanted me to help her set up a volunteer program/airfare etc. ( she was working two jobs to pay for it)</p>

<p>I was of the mindset that volunteering 70 miles away, was just as independence making as 7000 miles away, so I kept putting it off.</p>

<p>She set everything up herself & she did a pretty good job too. :confused:
She wasn’t able to stay as long as she had hoped, since she had to work longer than she planned ( her trip was just short of 5 months, instead of 8 or 9 mo), but she was very happy. </p>

<p>However- believe me when I tell you, this determined personality was evident before she was born.</p>

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<p>I agree EK4 about the personality component.</p>

<p>My S has had to be prodded at every turn to step up to the plate to meet obligations and fulfill responsibilities. Finally, at 18, he seems to be getting it more and taking on some of this himself. But he’s still not where he needs to be yet to be a self sufficient adult.</p>

<p>My youngest, on the other hand, is a whole different case. She keeps a day planner (even before she really knew how to read and write). She has the whole family’s activities committed to memory and is always prompting people when she feels we have forgotten something or need to take care of something. Now that I think about it, maybe she’s a bit OCD about it, but everyone thinks it’s cute to have a little blond haired blue eyed drill sergeant in the family.</p>

<p>She will have no issues launching herself from the nest when it’s time.</p>

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<p>I think there are many components to this whole issue. There is the question of whether the young adult can manage to do the “adult” tasks. My kid has worked 20-30 weeks at really good jobs all through college. He has done some things at his last job that would challenge many degreed lawyers. He has worked for an extremely difficult boss and has thrived. That said, he and his friends still seem to think that any job that isn’t high-paying and doesn’t have a clear path to the top of the organization could be a poor choice. Well, good luck with THAT, kids! He understands the reality of today’s economy and has his job and his place to live, his checking account, his COSTCO membership etc.</p>

<p>I do disagree with Calmom’s comments about living alone. Both my kids preferred to live alone (D until she got married) as young adults. They went to boarding school and were tired of dorms and roommates. They like their “me” time. They are both very social and did not lack for a social life, but they enjoy coming home to their own space and their pets. My son IS interested in finding a roommate for a 2 bedroom apartment (currently in 1 bedroom) so he can reduce expenses. He is going to wait until he meets people in his new city and, hopefully, within 6 months to a year he finds one and can switch his apartment to one in the same complex.<br>
I have seen a huge growth in maturity in my son from age 20 to (almost) 24. Not perfect by any means, but a lot better. Again- the issues weren’t managing his time, being responsible or planning his future, but there were big lapses in judgment on occasion.</p>

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<ol>
<li> figure out how to pay your own bills</li>
<li> what you do with the rest of your life is your problem</li>
</ol>

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<p>I agree that there are many components to the issue. We have one “emerging adult” who has been fully self-supporting from the day he graduated from college (could probably pay our bills as well, not just his own…), and has not had any obvious “lapses in judgment” since middle school. But he still is anxious wrt to “what you do with the rest of his life”. </p>

<p>I don’t think he is unique in that regard - most of his college friends are gainfully employed and are very successful by all the “adult” standards, but they are not yet ready to settle down, and be satisfied with having a roof over their heads, food on their tables, and more than enough money to pay their bills. They want excitement in their jobs, they want to change the world, they want to see their impact. They are not ready to have a hobby for fun, they want to have fun doing everything they do.</p>

<p>It is a very different group from those moving back into parents’ basements. But their anxieties are just as real, and, I think, pretty age-specific.</p>

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<p>“But their anxieties are just as real, and, I think, pretty age-specific.”
and for the most part, i think, pretty much timeless. it’s just problem #2</p>

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<p>I suspect that the author (and perhaps the authors of many of the studies she cites) is grounded in a former time in which young people went to college, graduated with baccalaureate degrees, and built lifelong careers upon those degrees. That’s not the nature of a baccalaureate degree any more. Now, most careers are built upon graduate degrees and a 22-year-old doesn’t have the credentials to jump fulltime into their chosen career. The years immediately following the baccalaureate are now “gap years” in which college graduates are getting world of work experience in preparation for the masters program that will focus them upon a career path.</p>

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<p>gadad… I agree with your take, but that’s a very narrow viewpoint of a “former time” that never existed for the vast majority of young people. It was only the GI Bill after WW II that created a generation that could actually afford to go to college – but of course all of those returning war veterans were older than the typical entering college student today, and had gone through the very maturing experience of wartime military service. So when they finished college they were quite ready to get on with their lives.</p>

<p>The concept of typical 18 year old leaving home, and attending a faraway college at their parents’ expense is pretty much a rite of passage that only became commonplace in the last half of the 20th century… so it’s quite a conceit to develop some new theory of human development based on what is nothing but a shift in cultural expectations, rooting largely in economics.</p>