<p>*I think parents shouldn’t require their kids to do anything on the parents’ timeline. The kids should be able to figure out for themselves what to do and when to do it. *</p>
<p>Is it Opposite day?</p>
<p>Milkandsugar - I have often asked myself the same question. D recently graduated from college and I have tried to limit my input or my rescuing (sending contacts that should have been ordered sooner via express mail) to things involving safety or health. It isn’t always easy, and I am not perfect, but that is my goal.</p>
<p>Back to OP—
THIS is where DH and I disagree, to the point that it has damaged our marriage somewhat.
I am in favor of struggles, in moderation with logical and age-appropriate consequences. And of some pushing, again in moderation and when appropriate. Definitions of appropriate may vary significantly from one parent to next, as well, so subject to debate, as well.</p>
<p>But DH is really against these in principle. It is hard. I am the “bad guy” around the house, even though I am really quite moderate in the scheme of the real world- SIGH!</p>
<p>Sorry, but dealing with adversity and setting goals/working hard/competing are both important tools for survival. I do not see them as optional.
DH is laisser-faire and “feel the love”, but I say, where is the strength and pluck??</p>
<p>IMO, if parents have different styles the kids can benefit- they learn to deal with it ALL. But it is not good for the kids if they parents DISAGREE OPENLY about these things. And at some point, consistency in parenting is best for the kids, especially teens.</p>
<p>It may come down to DH being more of an optimist than I am. He is glass half full, believing that lots of love and support is all they need, presumably to give them confidence. Maybe that is true??!!
My glass half empty view makes me believe that being able to be tough is important. And that mastery and recovery from adversity build an important kind of confidence.</p>
<p>Oil changes and root canals are not EC’s.</p>
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<p>Yea, but how do you explain two different parenting styles in the same family producing two kids that are on both extremes of responsibility?? That’s what I can’t get… no matter what the parenting style, you get kids within the same family turning out entirely different!</p>
<p>Teriwitt,
Truth be told, my “dance” in this area does involve customization to the individual child, as well. There are general family values and rules, but the situations with each child do vary as well as their responses to me and the consequences, good and bad!!!</p>
<p>Some children need and can take a firmer hand! Some children are so sensitive that they learn from what goes on with the others!! Some are love-sponges and others just have more inner confidence from day one. Go figure… All I can do is pay attention, and tailor my actions a bit. That is a kind of love- it takes a lot of work, and I feel my own parents did not/could not do this, so my siblings and I really suffered permanently.</p>
<p>performersmom - interesting theory…</p>
<p>I was the baby girl in the family with three much older brothers, who obviously, with my parents encouragement, treated me like the baby sister. Which was OK at times, but as I became an adult, I realized they had such low expectations for what I could do as a female, that I kind of went out of my way to prove them wrong. I do about 98% of all the yardwork in our current home. I manage all the household bills, budgets, expenses, etc., I manage most repair work done on the house (except in the very few situations that H truly has more superior knowledge). My brothers were all jocks (one played D1 football and baseball) and to this day, are now all unhealthy, overweight men with overuse problems associated with their sports. I work with a trainer and could probably out bench all of them. As I increased my responsibility over the years for doing all of this, I lost all motivation to cook meals (although I am preparing dinner tonight and am hoping my family doesn’t all go in shock). </p>
<p>So I seem to have also taken the opposite approach to adult roles that my parents took, and frankly, I’m glad I did. I love being outside, and hate cleaning up the kitchen (although for some reason, I did do it last night around midnight, and made some Ghiradelli brownies to boot!).</p>
<p>Interesting about where we get our parenting styles and how they blend with our spouses.</p>
<p>As I have said previously, I am the “avoid a problem” type person, and my H (and the kids) tend to be a “deal with it if/when it happens”. I am much more of a detail-oriented person than DH is. We both are planners, but I take it further. I remember one year we went on a ski trip with another family (before everyone had cellphones). My family teased me that we had “more redundant systems than NASA” but when the other family’s s broke his wrist up on the mountain, who had handed out the intercoms, had contact phone #s and insurance info, etc? Moi. Who always had bandaids in her purse at the ballfield when the kids were playing and handed them out to whoever needed? Moi. </p>
<p>So as for “struggling”, there are probably several different definitions of this. If the repurcussions are going to roll downhill and land on me, I may be more of a nag about something. If I need to take care of something (like, e.g. back in the day when I had to drag them to get school uniforms) they did it on my schedule. We used to joke that if they got a detention or something, and a parent had to transport them after hrs, it was a parent punishment, not a kid punishment. Most parents didn’t need that inconvenience, so the kids did what was needed on the parents schedule so the uniform was complete before the first day of school.</p>
<p>jym626- ROTFL!!!
WHERE would all these “casual”, “lovin’” souls be without US!!!</p>
<p>Good question, performersmom! Where would they be?? Of course if you ask them, they’d say they’d fare just fine doing it their way… :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Hmmm…
The world needs a large a variety of people for things to work well!</p>
<p>p.s. I do love the patience and acceptance that these overly relaxed souls provide me: we definitely complement each other. If we could just stop arguing about how to parent the kids…</p>
<p>p.p.s. Jym- you and I should head off somewhere for a LOOOONG vacation. would we be able to stop worrying and micro-managing? I am closer than ever to yes- my D’s are getting older and it is sink or swim time!!! Like you, I am not a rescuer, just an anticipator. Call me a kill-joy, but forewarned is forearmed!!!
Hoping to have some fun today.</p>
<p>Sign me up, performersmom! I am THERE! Thats a great term-- anticipator. Thats what we do. May not be necessary (eg I have a lot of unused stuff for seasickness left over from a cruise that we never needed to use, fortunately) but that doesnt mean I’d not do the same thing and stock up again next time. </p>
<p>I am in the process of planning a ladies weekend to the beach. Wanna come? Warning-- it also usually involves wine and bourbon (not together!) Helps to wash those worries right away. </p>
<p>I really dont drink much (I just talk about it, LOL). </p>
<p>Had my fun exercising this morning-- now am off to pay bills :(</p>
<p>My liver cannot take da drink (ruined by sugar not booze), but the beach and ocean is my DREAM environment… Sign me up and watch me melt and float away!!!
P.s. this is PROOOF that I do like to have fun!!!</p>
<p>Sorry about those bills.</p>
<p>Seems like many wives on CC pay the family bills- interesting.
(In Japan, the wife holds the purse-strings.)</p>
<p>Mostly, I am just there to be another shoulder and sometimes help them navigate through complicated and confusing choices (like S having to figure out which medical insurance plan to select out of the many available to help with his new employer, the federal government).</p>
<p>For school, personal relationships and jobs, I let them figure things out and will do what is requested of me, if it’s reasonable and in my power and NOT bailing them out.</p>
<p>When my kids were in HS, it did involve me participating in many conferences with their HS to confirm that in fact there were and are medical reasons for their frequent and prolonged absences but indeed they were doing the work and still planned to continue at the HS. Since then, have had contact when D accidentally enrolled in 19 credits and would have been assessed an extra $3K+ for the privilege that she really didn’t want & upon my request was able to drop the audit of ballet. Otherwise, have let them follow their own paths.</p>
<p>I pay our family bills with our joint checking account (we put pretty much all our income in it & pay out of it; I have more flexible & free time than H). I also open all the mail but H does the taxes with the accountant.</p>
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<p>Moi, stop bragging! Walkie-talkies and bandaids are for amateurs! </p>
<p>Did you bring the hot chocolate for the kids and the Chardonnay for the parents all the way to the top of the mountain? Did you consider hiring a personal assistant to carry the stuff to the slopes or ballgames. That is what sophisticated and discriminating folks do. And don’t tell me you did not hire Franz, the Austrian olympian to teach your six and four years old the proper wedge! You never know … skiing might be their passion du jour. :)</p>
<p>I am an anticipator as well. Always prepared for the shoe to drop. Im always looking at the end result and how will that impact things. My glass 1/2 empty. My H and D think I’m nuts. But I have averted some disasters. It is tiring, and it gets me in trouble at times, but if I stop, the wolrd will come to an end. I am trying to relax my standards and let the shoe drop, just afraid that I wont be able to handle the result, because it may impact me or my family in some way.</p>
<p>milkandsugar,
Join me and Jym at the beach!! The world will NOT end, promise. Maybe our glasses will start to look half-full, too.
signed, a charter member of the Anticipators Club</p>
<p>The hot chocolate was brought along. I had the instant hot chocolate packets in the condo, and DS’s put them in their pockets to be consumed suring a ski break :)</p>
<p>Wine-- don’t usually crry it onto the slopes. Don’t drink and ride, as they say (well one s rides, the rest of us ski). That said, back in “my day” we had wine in those goat skin containers like this [BOTA</a> BOTTLE](<a href=“http://www.southernsportsmanonline.com/bota-bottle-p-20186.html]BOTA”>http://www.southernsportsmanonline.com/bota-bottle-p-20186.html) and stopped along the way down, put our skis in an “x” and took a breather. Now, one glass and I am asleep. Thats not condusive to skiing.</p>
<p>Personal assistant? We dont need no stinkin’ personal assistant. He can get his own seat at the ballgame!</p>
<p>ok- minkandsugar and performersmom-- we’re in. Charter members of the anticipators club. Here’s a classic example: Went on a family vacation to the Bahamas. I held onto the passports. Just to be safe. Older s, then 18, gets to the airport and realizes he’s left his wallet at home (this is the same DS who got to the airport for a ski trip and realized he’d left his ski jacket in the car). Mom to the rescue! Had an extra jacket packed (buying one at the slopes can be expensive) and had the passport for ID. He was not happy that every time he wanted to check out the casino near the hotel, he had to ask me for his passport, as he had no other ID :D</p>
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<p>Oh that is too bad. Just imagine what you could do for the job prospect of all those LAC’s graduates. If every upper-middle-class family would hire one of those poor gals and lads who made the mistake to avoid the lucrative STEM path, we’d inject new life in those dying institutions. Imagine the endless possibilities … your PA quoting Candide and Euclid to your little passionate geniuses when feeding them fruitloops in the morning. </p>
<p>Let’s get the LAC Mannies and Nannies mania started. Do you think it could be popular in Manhattan or in the tony suburban Shangri-Las of Boston? The new trophy hunting could be all about the education of your LAC graduate. </p>
<p>Possible dialogue at the Hilly Piano Academy? Oh dear Sue, your new manny graduated from Amherst? Pooh, I got mine from Williams. Did you check the Forbes rankings last week. Oh wait, watch out, your kid just dropped his pacifier on the keyboard!</p>