It’s rude to ask to add a guest to a wedding unless a mistake has been made in the invitation – something that happened in connection with my daughter’s wedding.
The rules of etiquette say that if a person has a spouse or established partner, both members of the couple must be invited to the wedding. You can’t invite just one.
My daughter’s fiance had not seen his cousin in several months and did not realize that her relationship with the guy she was dating had progressed to the point that they had moved in together. So initially, the invitation didn’t include him. She asked (through various parents) that he be added to the guest list, and fortunately, this turned out to be possible.
I say “turned out to be possible” because sometimes it isn’t possible to add even one more person. The venue my daughter and son-in-law used has an absolute limit of 60 people (because the room in which receptions are held can only hold six of those big round tables that seat 10). You cannot add a 61st person. No matter what. It was only possible to add the cousin’s boyfriend because the total number of people invited to the wedding was a little less than 60.
We are having about 120 at our wedding…we think. That is not considered a largish wedding in most places. We think it’s a manageable size…because DD and SFIL should be able to talk to everyone who is there.
@twoinanddone it really doesn’t matter WHO the person asking is. If anyone asked us to add a person who was not invited to the wedding…the answer would be NO.
Think of it this way…many folks draw a line in the sand regarding who they are inviting. Your daughter was not invited. I agree with others…it was inconsiderate to ask.
But back to the person planning THIS wedding.
Where in midcoast Maine are you talking about? Are you talking about Portland where you likely could,do the whole thing at a hotel that has event rooms…and there is an airport in Portland too. And prices won’t be cheap… yet they won’t be over the top. Or are you talking about Kennebunk, Wiscasset, Rockport, Camden? All more expensive places and especially in the summer…
Back in the dark ages when I was single and sometimes invited to weddings by various boyfriends, where I didn’t know the bride or groom, my parents advised me to decline those dates. They suggested only attending weddings where I had my own invite. That still seems pretty good advice to me.
I do not plan to pay fir weddings and have told my kids that. Now, I may offer to help when the time comes, but the expectation is that they will plan a wedding they can afford (if they want a wedding at all). Husband and I paid for our wedding. My parents offered to help with a few things so those things were perhaps upgraded a bit. And we appreciated it, but it was a bonus.
@calmom our wedding was a similar size, and it was hard to talk to everyone (many of whom had traveled a long way). I like the idea of a smaller wedding and then later on, parties in the cities where the bridal couple grew up.
My siblings and I had private weddings and then a separate but small reception for closest friends and family. We each paid for our celebrations ourselves. We also have no intention of spending a lot of money on a wedding and the kids are pretty aware of our feelings. We are just too frugal to spend gobs of money for a wedding. My BFF’s D had a huge gala in planning but had since scaled way way back. I actually think the trend is finally swinging back to more personal and casual more intimate events at least it feels that way from what I have attended the past two years. Really memorable events that didn’t require coordinators and all the extras. I think that would be a good thing. I also love the trend I have seen the past four weddings where the bridesmaids pick their own dress in matching shades. We just went to one that was black tie but the bridesmaids were not matchy, matchy. Gorgeous little fancy intimate night wedding and reception with no need to change locales and no gap time and who doesn’t like to see men in tuxes! I know they did not spend a ton of money too.
I’m not sure if this is helpful or not, but here goes.
Last spring I received a Bat Mitzvah invitation with my name and son’s name. I sent him a picture of the invite, but he had no interest. Mind you, he’s 30.
Next invitation came a few months later. The mom texted me for son’s address and name of g/f. They live together, and they got their own invitation. They were delighted to go ( and probably happy I helped with airline tickets and room). They insisted on buying their own gift.
The first one was a no expense spared event; buses to the evening party, 3 bands, dancers, etc.
^I think people can be uncomfortable attending without a partner. Lonely in a crowd sometimes and if your partner is miserable sitting home alone, you don’t want to go.
Sadly, or maybe not, we will be saving for retirement, fixing various neglected things in our home, and taking vacations instead of paying for weddings.
I’ve told the kids since they were very young, “If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to pay for it”. That’s because for our finances, it’s way, way down the priority list. If we had the money, I’d feel differently about it.
In addition, H & I did the courthouse thing, and it was so low key & un-celebratory, it shocked people.
I’ve performed weddings at various locations from huge celebrations to very modest ones with just the couple. All were what th couple wanted and seem to make the participants equally happy. They did cost varyingbsums tho.
One of my best friends just had her nephew get married at a lavish destination wedding. Her other nephew (brother of groom) was invited to be the best man. It’s always been a close and friendly family.
Well.
The wife of the best man was not included on the invitation to the wedding and it was whispered to the best man through his mother that she was really not invited. I know both of them and the uninvited is a perfectly lovely (actually stunning) woman, but the bride didn’t want her because she has three very small kids whom she might have wanted to bring to the resort. The uninvited asked that her husband attend anyway since the wedding was not about them, but he declined. Family feud.
I think one’s willingness to pay for weddings is very much dependent on one’s resources and one’s own history with such things.
I’ll pay for my kids’ weddings (within reason) because my parents did the same for me. I see it as paying it forward to the next generation and, in a way, honoring the sacrifices my parents made for us. Much the same way with college costs. The help with such things gave us a good start in our low earning years and for that I am very grateful. Now it is my turn to do the same for my kids, aided by having the means to do so.
I’ve posted before that when my sisters and I get together we sometimes still fuss about our SIL who, 30 years ago, forbade us bringing our babies and young toddlers to her wedding. One of us had a nursing 6 week old. These days I can’t believe we all attended, especially the nursing mama, but SIL did provide childcare for us. Several babies were at the wedding and reception because her side of the family just ignored her instructions. One baby belonged to her first cousin, her mother’s sister’s daugher.
I don’t think brides have to include children. I do think they have to include spouses of the wedding party. It up to the spouse to decline if they don’t want to leave the children home. It would be nice, if possible, to provide childcare services as my SIL did. Really, we have no reason to be holding a grudge about this and we do all love her very much.
The funny thing is many D1’s wedding guests are asking her not to invite kids/babies (their own) to the wedding because they want to have an excuse to go out without their kids. Some couples with babies are asking their babysitters or mother-in-laws to come with them to D1’s semi destination wedding to babysit.
We have two small children invited to our kid’s wedding…one is the son of the grooms sister (and she is also a bridesmaid). The other is my great nephew. Both are two year olds. We will also have a babysitter for them and there is a room in the reception venue where they can either play…or sleep.
No other kids are invited.
In addition, we are inviting our siblings, and our first cousins…all the same generation. But we are not inviting the cousins’ children. It’s an evening event…really not a kid event at all. Adding all of these other cousin kids would have added about 40 to our guest list…all kids below the age of 12. I’m guessing some of their parents will elect not to come to the wedding (although they all have been to other family weddings…sans kids). We will see.
We invited no kids to our wedding. None. We only had 30 or so at our wedding…and we were paying for it ourselves. One aunt and uncle brought their one daughter anyway. It was fine. And we have all gotten a laugh out of it in later years. I’m guessing…she will be the one of the cousins who does not come to our DDs wedding.
But back to th OP…
@Massmomm where in midcoast maine do you hope to have this wedding?
If this were a family wedding for the boyfriend/girlfriend, I’d tell my kid to go. You could get a very good look at family dynamics of your SO by doing so!
My parents have close friends whose grandchild decided on a small, family only destination wedding in Italy. The grandparents sure weren’t going to miss that. But they really couldn’t afford it. They sold a family heirloom painting to pay for the trip. Their grandkid still doesn’t know it. OP, is this a destination wedding to get married in Maine? (I missed that detail upthread maybe). Because that is a whole different game in itself. My D1 is (practically) getting married very near the city where her fiancé and his large family live, and where they live now with many of their friends. My whole family has to travel, but we are small compared to his side. Picking a destination that is not convenient for anyone because you like it adds stress for the couple and cost for everyone.
Right…the parents of the bride live in midcoast Maine…but everyone else will be traveling there. So…let’s say that there are 120 guests…sounds like 100 will be traveling to a greater or lesser degree.
@Massmomm it’s all doable…but a lot depends on where in midcoast Maine you are talking about.
@intparent, we live in Maine now. Moved up here in November 2016. Groom’s family is from NH. Bride’s extended family on the west coast and in the southeast. There is no place to hold this shindig that is not a destination for someone. The bride and groom want to get married in their church, which I totally understand. It would be easier for me if they’d have it in the Boston area, where many attendees live, and where the bride grew up, and where the groom went to grad school, and where there are loads of places to stay, and where there is an airport that is not a 90 minute drive from anywhere, but this would be far too logical. Weddings are supposed to be difficult, and full of drama! ;D