@katliamom That seems reasonable. I don’t think it is wrong to expect the working couple to pay or contribute. We have three boys (let me do a happy dance that this is not an expectation for us) but as groom’s parents, we would not only want to pay for the rehearsal dinner but also offer to pay for other expenses such as the photographer and music.
Every family is different. There are no rules requiring anyone to pay for their child’s wedding.
We plan to designate a set dollar amount that we are comfortable with, and give it to them to do with what they want, including scrapping a wedding and putting the money towards a house or furniture if they choose.
@flymetothemoon, that’s what my husband and I did for our daughter (although I cheated a bit and also paid for the day-of-wedding coordinator, since I thought this was a good idea and my daughter and her fiance didn’t think it was necessary).
The amount wasn’t that huge – certainly not in the range that could make a dent in the cost of a house. But it could have paid for a used car.
If our son gets married, we will do exactly the same thing for him (and perhaps cheat a little again if circumstances warrant it).
Gender has nothing to do with it, as far as I’m concerned. I realize others have different opinions.
We would have paid for a wedding if my daughter and her husband had wanted one. They didn’t.
BTW, I have no problem with people paying for weddings. I love reading wedding threads such as this one. But I simply can’t imagine forking out the kind of money weddings seem to cost. OTOH if I win a major lottery it’s something I’ll definitely rethink.
It wasn’t until CC that I even realized parents out there pay for their kids’ weddings. Where I come from, kids pay which is why so many don’t get married (or at least don’t have a wedding) until much later in life.
I have no idea what the right answer is but our parents contributed very little to mine and Mr R’s wedding. We were grateful for what they did give. We paid for everything else ourselves and it really never occurred to either of us that it would be any other way.
After reading too many CC threads, I’m grateful that this is the way it went since everything was our decision and we didn’t have to please a half dozen (or more) people.
Our way worked for us—my folks paid for the food for their attendees, my in laws paid for food for their attendees and we paid for everything else. We did have friends who made our bouquets, boutinaires, flower arrangements for church and head table, decorated church, etc, and another who brought over gorgeous orchids he and others grew. H’s friend was a professional photographer and did a fine job. We didn’t have any limos nor any coordinator.
We didn’t feel we missed anything by not having a coordinator and everything went quite smoothly. We did designate a 1st cousin as the troubleshooter to smooth over any problems that arose.
Our kids haven’t gotten engaged so we haven’t thought much about any weddings but are able to help financially as they and we desire.
The only weddings among my sibs were my sister, whose 3 D’s have all married. I believe she paid for their weddings and receptions, which were all at same nice country club that she belongs to. We never discussed details or $$$, so don’t really know.
We did our wedding for about $6000 (2016 dollars) - day wedding, food for 80 people, wine/water only. Venue was provided by my wife’s work (a university) for around $500, bridesmaid dresses (which are virtually the same except cost about 10% of a wedding dress), regular business suits instead of tuxes, brass quartet for music (huge discount for day wedding), limited flower arrangements etc. We took the money we saved on the wedding and made a deposit on a house, and took a old school driving honeymoon (way cheaper).
Paying for your own wedding helps you limit the guest list to exactly who you want to attend. If our parents paid we would have had 400 people and spent $50K.
My brother is going to a big (400 guests) wedding tomorrow night. He asked if he could bring my daughter, who has known the groom for 15 years, and the answer was NO. There is not room for one more guest - which is what happens when 25 year olds get married and all their friends want to come and their parents know millions of people.
This is only ‘Wedding #1’ as they are having another one at West Point soon.
My niece, also 25, had quite a few friends get engaged over Christmas. My daughter, whose boyfriend is 24, had quite a few of his friends get engaged recently too. I told her the worst thing to be is the date of someone who is in the wedding. My roommate is in that situation this week and is really made that she’s expected to go to the wedding, but can’t ride in the ‘wedding party’ bus, can’t sit with her boyfriend (best man), can’t get a ride home. No fun.
I hope we can get by that ‘25’ year without a wedding.
We are paying for our D’s wedding with money my dad left to me - just as my parents paid for our wedding with money my grandma left them. It was an easy decision to keep that money for that purpose.
We are fortunate that the groom’s parents offered to pay for not only the rehearsal dinner, but also for 1/2 the cost of the reception. Others have pointed out that the reception is only part of the cost, though, and things do add up. We told the kids what we would pay, the future in laws told them what they would pay, and D/FSIL are planning with that budget in mind. They did not set out to spend it all, but they “can.”
Parents do not have to pay for weddings, and children should not “expect” that they will. I do think it’s good to work the will/won’t into discussions over the years so that there are no unrealistic expectations. And if circumstances change, honesty is important.
Weddings do not have to be expensive - my niece had a VERY inexpensive wedding that was fun - and it was exactly what she wanted (reception at church - desserts made by family & make-your-own ice cream sundaes).
I have always planned on paying for my girls’ weddings because it was going to be my “send off” of the girls. 
I have celebrated their 1st birthdays, sweet 16, graduations, and all of their birthdays in between, it would just be strange to me not to be a big part of their weddings. At the same time, I do realize D1 has her own idea what she wants for her wedding, so I decided to give her my budget for the wedding and she could pay for anything that’s over and above. As an example, her flower budget is twice as much as I wanted to spend, so she is paying for the additional. The wedding dress she wants is also more than what I expected, so she is also paying into it.
For D2 I will spend the same. She could have a very nice wedding in NYC for around 100 people, and it would be more of her style. If she has it in NYC, I don’t think we would need a wedding planner, which would save some money, a day of coordinator would be sufficient.
We gave D a significant amount of money but really just enough for a nice wedding and not an elaborate wedding.
His parents contributed the same they had for his brother’s rehearsal dinner and then gifted them $10,000.
They spent the total of what we gave them and pocketed what his parents contributed. They have a cross
country move this June and know this will cost them.
D and SIL had a very alternative wedding with 21 (8 family) in a park and then a happy hour and then a dinner.
Dress $$ and photographer $$. Last September. Pizza at their suite that had a deck with a fire pit for a meet and greet/
After day brunch at the hotel with bags of breakfast in the suite.
Next weekend had 120 at a warehouse in Boston (4 parents and all the rest friends) that SIL decorated and
had DJ and open bar and a taco truck. All was amazing. (SIL is an architect so the staging was amazing).
And I am so glad it is over!!!
S and DIL had a courthouse wedding. We gave them a fancy catered home reception for 60. Her parents
gave them a pig roast and family party a year later. (odd, yes. It made their extended family happy and
was at their beautiful lake front home) (though in the back driveway–and now I am just gossiping).
We always planned to pay for our DDs (and DSs) weddings. Like @oldfort we view this s a send off for DD, and a nice welcome to FSIL and his family into ours. We also had a budget in mind, and I have to say, DD has been very good about it.
When the time comes, we will contribute to DS in the same amount. If he finds a SO whose family plans to pay for a wedding, then they can use the money for something else.
I don’t think the “NO” for the extra guest has anything to do with 400 guests or 25 year olds. It is incredibly rude to ask to add a guest to a wedding, no matter how much the guest may want to attend. Now if the invitation had an unspecified plus one, and he’d asked to take her in that spot when RSVPing, then it is probably okay.
@Massmom, S1 and DIL had a contra dance at their wedding. It was a huge hit. That was their big splurge.
They had 100 people, just under $20k in DC area including everything. It was larger than we expected because they opened it up to lots of plus ones since many of their friends are introverted and didn’t want to be there solo. It worked out fine, as the marginal cost was minimal since we weren’t paying a caterer. No coordinator (other than me), lots of friends helped, DH and S2 cooked, I did lots of DIY decorations, the veil, etc. Venue was a county arts facility ($3200); we rented catering gear, warming cabinet, linens & tableware (~$3400). Hired a company for servers/bartender (required even for just wine). Every other county facility required licensed caterers, which would have increased the cost considerably. Got flowers at local floral market for $199 – my sister, SIL and I made bouquets and arrangements. No videographer, photographer was basic package only, as the both S and DIL HATE being photographed and were not going to cooperate with artsy pictures.
Friday night rehearsal dinner was at a local BBQ place. Sunday brunch was at our house.
It was crazy and fun – many people came in costumes (think Renn Fair), there were silly hats for all, board games, etc. It very much reflected who they are.
FWIW, my daughter had a largish wedding, with around 80 guests, including many who traveled from the opposite coast to be there – and she ended up feeling frutrated and disappointed because instead of relaxing and enjoying herself at the reception, she was doing her best with meet-and-greet for all the guests and there just wasn’t time to really converse with guests. The rehearsal dinner party was much more enjoyable, with a manageable level of guests, all of whom were close friends.
So while the thought of honoring the extended network of family and friends from childhood is wonderful – in practice it can be a mess – so your daughter might want to listen to the wishes of her fiance. Small has its advantages – it’s not just a matter of budget.
‘It is incredibly rude to ask to add a guest to a wedding’
I’d agree, but in this case if anyone was going to get to bring an extra guest, it is my brother. He’s like a brother to the MOG, and been for 20 years. He’s employed both sons since they were little, has lent a car to the ex-husband for a long time, watched their dog for months, etc. They just had to make a very hard rule about extra guests because 400 is a lot of people, and 401 is just too many. Also, the MOG would just keep inviting people if they didn’t have the rule.
“I do realize D1 has her own idea what she wants for her wedding, so I decided to give her my budget for the wedding and she could pay for anything that’s over and above.”
This sounds very reasonable to me @oldfort
No… friend of MOG isn’t any more entitled than anyone else.