<p>Calmom’s right Galosien. That walk is ver scary. Heck, I’m not your mom and it makes me concerned. Here’s a rule that we have in my house: I can overlook and forgive a lot if I know my darlings are safe. Give your mother that peace of mind, show that you understand and respect her concern for your safety, and you never know how much easier she may be to deal with.</p>
<p>Unfortunately my last handphone broke a few years ago (it was my fault – oops) so yeah, there are literally communication issues. But I mean, in Singapore (an actual city) I used to walk home all the time. I don’t really get why she thinks America is that different. I mean, we live in Maine, it’s not like a moose hunter is going to abduct me or something.</p>
<p>I’s really weird reading this thread again when we as a family just came back from the waterfront all jolly – but I do know all of this is a long-term issue I’ll probably see again.</p>
<p>Haha zoosermom, you’re always so tough on me. CCtherapy, I guess. 
My sister and my mother do argue, sometimes to near-similar intensities, but yeah she and my mother fight less frequently. I definitely don’t intend to take things out on my mother, and I’d be surprised if I did that subconsciously (if psychoanalysis is what is being aimed at).</p>
<p>Now since this is CC psychotherapy session :), I’ll tell you all a few things I don’t normally tell people. I need a cathartic outlet I suppose – when I was younger I didn’t even trust the court-ordered therapist. My father (in retrospect) was moderately emotionally abusive and in the end he didn’t even stick to the high moral standards he set for us by abandoning the family in the manner he did. But he was however a brilliant electrical and software engineer … after you threw away his weird theories about aliens and religion. He was a weird sort of fellow – I’m not sure if I would have the same passion for physics and some of the intuitive concepts I have for calculus (I remembered being inspired by his remarks on the rate of the rate of the rate of the rate of change) if not for him. I’m not fuming at him … not consciously, I guess? I do want to show my “father” up … some day, in a Count of Monte Cristo sort of way, except I’ll have better priorities of course. After the divorce we took to calling him by his first name since it symbolically removed him from former position of authority over us.</p>
<p>But I mean, I don’t actively think about him. Or at least I think I don’t. Of course I am occasionally jealous; sometime ago I saw one elementary school kid that I played in a chess open – prodigy type material – in the end he resigned by a one pawn disadvantage after a complex ballet of 80 moves. His father was completely unassuming – he was the full-bearded, lumberjack, Charles Ingalls [of Little House fame] type – and you wouldn’t think he was the father of three very polite homeschooled children who effectively dominated the scholastic chess scene of my state. His remark to this young boy might at first be construed as a “push-parent” sort of type (“you couldn’t overcome a one pawn disadvantage?”) – but he in fact only wanted to ensure that the boy didn’t have any regrets about resigning! How did he gaily laugh as he swept the child into his arms – “No, you did very well boy!” I want a father like that. </p>
<p>Those are the times, I suppose, when I consciously resent my “father”. But I mean, my mother likes to blame him more than even I would like. Whenever we get into arguments about tight situations like our green card or anything involving finances (I don’t know if this is unusual, but usually it’s me or my sister who’s asking for a decrease in spending), sometimes her reaction will be, “Blame that man for having caused all of this for us.” But what point will blaming do when it won’t solve the problem?</p>
<p>For a while I’ve attributed our frequent disagreements to our similar personalities – we’re both debaters, and we both don’t like to back down. When I feel the urge to make that remark about resistance to correction, zoosermom, it’s not a flaw that I exclude myself from having.</p>
<p>Often best friends or family members fight because they know they are close enough that they can vent and fight, and then be forgiven an hour later? </p>
<p>I think around the end of high school a lot of people really try to understand why their parents take certain actions, right or wrong. It sounds like you’re doing just that!</p>
<p>I’d also like to add that the dynamics in a single parent household where the oldest child is male can be very different than a 2-parent household. At least in my family, there was some shifting between the parent-child dynamic, and the man-of-the-house status that my son acquired at age 13 when his Dad left. In some aspects I relied on my son and treated him as an adult; he became very bossy and controlling and that used to irk me. For example, he would criticize me for being too lax with discipline for his younger sister. However, I would tend to let things go rather than fight with him… I was actually kind of glad when he went off to college because it was the first time in years that I could watch the t.v. shows I wanted – he used to be rather dictatorial about the remote control. </p>
<p>It sounds like your mom also carries a lot of anger and resentment toward your dad, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she is taking that out on you. But watch out – even though you understand how your dad hurt you, you may unconsciously be acting like him in the way you treat other family members – old habits die hard. So the advice about behavior-changing holds true: you can’t change others, but you can change yourself. Learn to back down and walk away from the fights, rather than rising to the bait – you might find that it dies down if you quit fighting back.</p>
<p>"Haha zoosermom, you’re always so tough on me. CCtherapy, I guessv:</p>
<p>Because I think that if you pull things together and head to UVA with an open mind, there is a spectacular future waiting for you.</p>