<p>Um, hug for Zoosermom. Unless she’s giving out names and addresses, that is… and then I’ll help with the dark alley. Or better yet, help you hide the body. I’m thinking bayous of Louisiana, among the alligators.</p>
<p>Seriously…or maybe the everglades swamps…</p>
<p>If she wants to put the kid up for adoption, let her… at the end of the day it’s HER choice. She’s lucky enough to live in a country where abortion is a legal option.
What she needs now more than anything else is support in getting away from the BF’s family. She needs her own time and space to decide what she wants to do, without the influence of those two.</p>
<p>Ok- at the risk of getting seriously flamed, I have several questions. Are you witnessing the boy and his mother’s behavior first hand, or are you getting it through the eyes of your dau and/or her friend? If it is being filtered through the girls (your dau and. more importantly her friend) I would be VERY careful about what you accept as gospel truth when it comes to making assumptions about the thoughts and behaviors of the boy and his mom. I am not siding with them- I just think you need to keep an open mind and realize that there are 2 sides to every story. It sounds like this young lady has had a tough life, but her behavior sounds manipulative, and her stories can be twisted to gain sympathy (this can be purposeful, but might also be characterological- not intentional). You are well aware that she is not the only one being manipulated. </p>
<p>How do you know they “strong-armed her to the abortion clinic with promises that he’d date her again”? Who really knows what they said to her and vice versa. I gather from your statement that she fully understands birth control- she just chose not to use it in the hopes of getting pregnant and staying connected to this boy. No one is blameless in this situation. They both need to take responsibility for their choices and their behaviors. However, a lot of what you describe makes me wonder if this girl has a Borderline Personality Disorder. If so, there is a lot of potential pathology all around this situation. I feel sorry for all of them, but I can’t join the “poor victim” mentality. Time to step back and be objective.</p>
<p>Please understand, I am not being critical- just looking at this from a different (professional) perspective. You sound like almost a surrogate parent for your daughter’s friend. This is laudible, but please, be careful and look at the big picture.</p>
<p>I know the boy and his mother as well as I do the girl and have been a confidant on both sides. I have also known the woman for decades and this is, quite simply, her way. She is obsessed with her only child and the girl is not from as good a family as she thinks hers is. It has been their method of dealing with the girl to make it very, very clear that the son is using her for sex and amusement until he went to college and found someone more appropriate to his station in life. If she decides on her own to have an abortion, fine, but that’s not what’s going on now. The girl thought she would marry him and have a normal life. She based her entire being on that eventuality for the last three years and I think she might be having a breakdown. She’s been calling my daughter while daughter is in her high school classes, she’s not making a lot of sense and doesn’t seem to have any grip on reality. No flames. You politely asked a legitimate question. NOthing wrong with that.</p>
<p>By the way, you’re absolutely right that there is pathology all around. More than enough. The girl is not blameless, but she needs to make some serious decisions here and the people most influencing her right now have absolutely no interest in her welfare or that of the potential child. I would support her right to do whatever she wants, as long as she decides on her own. I don’t know if that makes any sense.</p>
<p>zoosermom-
thank you for your reasoned response. However, I would suggest you be VERY careful - trying to be a confidant for both sides of clearly pathological people is an accident waiting to happen. Sooner or later one or probably both sides will turn on you. I have seen it in my practice many times. If this girl is getting psychotic (I can’t tell if your concerns about her delusions are menat in the clinical sense) she needs to be directed to the college’s mental health services ASAP. If she gets more desparates she could make even more poor decisions which can hurt her and/or the baby. Get out of the middle and direct her to a professional. Please.</p>
<p>Hugs to Z-mom and her friends. Yes, there are issues all around, and if anyone should ever need counseling this young lady is certainly a candidate. Not just for the pregnancies but for generally state of mind and stability.<br>
I remember many years ago, a friend’s niece got pregnant. Kept the boy, and her parents basically were caring for the baby. Everyone was sure the girl had “learned her lesson”. She was going to college full time, and her social life was severly curtailed by motherhood, though her parents took primary roles in that area. Well, her social life was apparently not curtailed enough, as she was pregnant again, before the baby was a year old! At that time, they learned that kids who get pregnant like that are very likely to repeat the experience–it does not work the other way. I was incredulous at the time, but now many years later, my observations have born out that generality not just in responsible birth control, sex, but in other areas as well. People, in general, do not tend to learn from their mistakes, as heartwrenching as the consequences may be. It take counseling and focus to break away from that downward spiral.</p>
<p>“Get out of the middle and direct her to a professional. Please.”</p>
<p>If it were that easy I wouldn’t have posted here. Believe when I tell you that I’ve tried as have others.</p>
<p>If you think she is “acutely dangerous to herself or others” (and under the circumstances you have a fair amount of latitude here) , depending on what state you are in, you can have her emergently evaluated in an ER or mental health facility.</p>
<p>JYM I don’t think she is acutely dangerous to herself. I do think that she is frantic and terrified and desperate. She has some good friends about who are trying very hard to support her and are trying (without judgment) to get her help. It may still work out. I hope it does but she has some real unpleasantness ahead of her, no matter what she does. What I do hope is that she finally accepts that the boy is not good for her. I appreciate the advice, though, and will monitor the situation with an eye toward a deterioration on that path. I suspect (hope?) that if things got bad and someone went to her parents, they would not throw her out in the street and would help her get help.</p>
<p>If she’s calling your dau. in the middle of school, isn’t making sense,and doesn’t have a grasp on reality, that can be pretty dangerous (and I am interpreting your words literally). Especially with a baby in the picture, the interpretation of “acutely dangerous” can be taken a tad more liberally. She doesn’t have to be standing on the edge of a precipice with a gun to her head to meet criteria. And if you (or someone) can get her seen by a mental health expert, I would stronly recommend it not be someone affiliated with any family planning (pro life or pro choice) facility. She should be seen by an independent person with no secondary agenda.</p>
<p>I agree completely that she needs to be seen by a professional. I hadn’t even considered the college, though, and plan to suggest it. She is a commuter but I know they have health services. She has been calling my daughter through the school day and what I mean by not having a grip on reality is that she truly thinks the boy is going to marry her and they will be happy. She is managing somewhat to keep a good face on things because she lives with her parents and they’re unaware. Your advice is welcome and aprpeciated.</p>
<p>Glad that these suggestions are helpful. The student mental health facility should be free to her, and has certainly dealt with these issues before.</p>